SONG HYE KYO

The weeks that went after my agency released the statement was nothing short of chaotic. A lot of people had stated their opinions regarding my dating news.

I had thought on the day that my dating news was confirmed that public backlash was inevitable but surprisingly, a lot of the response was overwhelmingly positive. 

I was still confined in my home to control the public's reaction to the current situation of my dating life, only going out to do photoshoots and magazine interviews that were held in private settings. I've always held back on saying anything about my personal life, so I was thankful that none of that was asked or mentioned in my interviews. 

I haven't seen Seung Heon Oppa since but we've been communicating constantly. He still had his public appearances so he had a much harder time avoiding questions about us dating. Although, Oppa seemed like he was enjoying the interest in us as a couple since he'd gleefully answer all questions about us. I find myself smiling sometimes whenever I read or see his interviews. He had stated in one interview that he was glad to finally be out in the open about us dating because he just can't wait to brag to everyone that he's dating a beautiful actress. I had blushed at the comment when my manager teased me endlessly about it but I was thankful depsite the slight embarrassment that I felt. 

I was currently finishing the last of the boxes that needs to be packed before I officially put my house on the market. The last room that remained untouched was Joong Ki's former home office in my place. 

I gingerly walked inside it as I punched in the code. 

I had no idea what to do with his things to be honest. I didn't want to throw them away, but at the same time, I didn't need to keep them as well. I sighed as I thought about what to do with all these things. 

I dragged two empty boxes behind me as I carefully looked at all the items scattered on his desk. 

There were a lot of papers on top of the desk, although nothing too important. I carefully picked them out and placed them inside one of the boxes. I also emptied out his bookshelf that held most of his old scripts and some of the books he loved. I took out a poem book that he had gifted me during our first month as a couple. I had my manager hide it here in his office since it was something that reminded me of him too. It was a book called Memories by Lang Leav. 

I flipped through the pages and saw the bookmark that I had left on the page of the poem that spoke to me a lot during the time of our separation.

Stardust

If you came to me

with a face

I have not seen,

with a name

I have never heard,

I would still know you.

Even if centuries separated us,

I would still feel you.

Somewhere

between the sand and the stardust,

through every collapse and creation,

there is a pulse

that echoes of you and I.

When we leave this world,

we give up all our possessions

and our memories.

Love is the only thing

we take with us.

It is all we carry

from one life to the next.

I had posted this poem on my social media account during a time where I was filled with sadness and regret. But now, as I read this same poem, none of those feelings came to me. I smiled to myself at the realization that after all the hardship I've went through in the past, I was now left with the one thing I've been wanting to feel for a long time; Contentment. 

I was contented with everything. I was contented with my life. I was contented with my friendship with Joong Ki, and I was contented with the feeling that I had finally stopped being scared of what everyone would say about me. 

I used to always want more. I wanted more work, I wanted more recognition, I wanted more love and I wanted more things to happen in my life. Being contented with what I currently have going on for me was something so refreshing that I didn't want to change anything if I was going to lose that feeling of contentment. 

I faintly smiled as I placed the book in the other box, deciding that I would keep this one.

I continued to rummage through all the things inside the room, placing the pictures, posters, and other assortment of things inside the box that I would let go of. It took a few hours but I was finally left with only the drawers of the desk to clean up. 

I opened the drawers one by one. Seeing all of Joong Ki's kept possessions that I never dared to peek into before. One of the drawers held a pile of post-its, scraps of papers and restaurant napkins. I looked at each of them, confused as to what it was. 

As I read the contents of the papers and post-its, I felt my eyes water. 

They were my notes. Notes that I had penned during the time we were dating and married. I used to leave these notes around the house whenever I had to leave earlier than he did or when he's still sleeping. 

Yeobo, I have to leave early today. I cooked you breakfast and there's coffee in the machine. Saranghae~!

Yeobo, can you take Ruby to the vet today? I forgot to yesterday, sorry! 

Jagiya~, see you later!

Jagi, I'll stop by your shoot later so don't worry about missing me too much kekeke.

The restaurant napkins inside the desk were all in Joong Ki's handwriting. I've never seen these in all the years we were together, wondering what it could be I read the writings on them one by one. 

February 14, 2015 

First Meeting with Song Hye Kyo-ssi. She looked so pretty. This feels unreal.

June 24, 2015

Dinner with Hye Kyo Noona and some of the staff. We talked a lot today she was fun to hang out with.

July 13, 2015

First time to drink with Hye Kyo Noona. She paid for everything. She looks pretty while she drank. She acts cutesy when she drinks too much too. 

July 30, 2015

I had dinner with Hye Kyo Noona again. She said she doesn't like to eat vegetables as much. 

August 15, 2015

First time at a private restaurant with just Hye Kyo Noona. I really like her.

September 9, 2015

Hye Kyo Noona, I like you but I can't tell you this right? 

September 26, 2015

Last drinking session with the staff and Hye Kyo Noona before leaving for Greece on the 28th. Director-nim said Hye Kyo Noona's fond of me. Can I confess my feelings then?

September 30, 2015

First dinner in Greece. It's tiring but Hye Kyo Noona's beauty shines a light on all of us so it's not as exhausting. This woman is really admirable.

October 10, 2015

Drinks with Director Lee Eung Bok. I told him I liked Hye Kyo Noona, he urged me to confess, what should I do?

October 21, 2015

I had dinner alone with Hye Kyo Noona. She gave me advice on how to confess to the person I liked when I asked. She doesn't know it's her. I'm nervous.

October 31, 2015

Last dinner in Greece with Hye Kyo Noona before going back to Korea. I CONFESSED! HYE KYO NOONA ACCEPTED! Hye Kyo Noona? Or Jagiya? Kekeke

November 22, 2015

Hye Kyo's birthday dinner. I told her I love her, she didn't say it back. Why?

November 29, 2015

Drinks with Hye Kyo and Yoo Ah In. We confessed to being a couple. She finally said I love you back. I waited 8 days! But I'm happy.

December 30, 2015

Last dinner with the staff and cast of Descendants of the Sun. I'll miss Hye Kyo act as Kang Mo Yeon.

February 14, 2016

Valentine's Date at Shilla Hotel. Hye Kyo said she liked this place. 

March 19, 2016

Dinner in New York. We finally got to date with no care about the public, but someone asked for our picture. Did they see us as a couple? Oh well.

June 3, 2016

Dinner with Hye Kyo after the Baeksang Awards. Ah In was the scapegot and third wheel kekeke

June 17, 2016

First time dinner at China with Hye Kyo. I acted too close during the fanmeeting. Will they notice?

October 31, 2016

First anniversary celebration with Hye Kyo! I want to be with this person for a long time.

November 22, 2016

I had dinner with Hye Kyo at her mom's place. Her mom is such a brave and strong woman to have raised Hye Kyo alone. Hye Kyo's birthday party with our friends was fun too. She looked beautiful as she laughed the whole night. I want to marry this person.

December 31, 2016

We won the Daesang tonight! Hye Kyo is really the best partner. I want to be with only this person in this lifetime and the next.

January 2, 2017

Tokyo Restaurant. I asked her to marry me. She said YES! I can't wait for our future together.

My tears would not stop as I continued to read the notes Joong Ki had written on all these restaurant napkins. I never knew he did this all those times.

I sat on the chair behind the desk as feelings from the past consumed me. How did it all go so wrong?

With shaking hands and tear-stricken face, I decided to place the papers, napkins, and post-its inside the box that held the book he had given me. I decided to keep them, they were good memories after all. 

The last drawer for me to clean up was the drawer that held my wedding ring. I took out the small blue box that had my ring in it, popping it open and staring at the bejeweled band. 

I know in my mind that I have to let this ring go, but a part of me doesn't want to. A nagging feeling in my chest refuses to let go. I took a deep breath and stared at the ring once again. 

What am I going to do with this?

SONG JOONG KI

I finally went out of the house due to Kwang Soo's constant nagging that I should get out. He said I was rotting inside my home and that was not something I should do. On the contrary, I felt like that was all I wanted to do. 

I sighed as I took another swig of my beer. Kwang Soo had invited me out along with Tae Hyun hyung and In Sung hyung. We were drinking at the bar where I saw Hye Kyo with Ah In and Hyung Sik a few months ago. This place just made me remember all the things that have happened. 

My life had been surprisingly quiet after Hye Kyo's and Seung Heon sunbae's formal statement in regards to their dating. All attention on me quickly died down and instead focused on the two of them. I bitterly laughed to myself as I drank some more. 

"Joong Ki, you've been drinking non-stop. Slow down a little." Tae Hyun hyung said to me. 

"Yeah, we asked you out to have fun and not get more depressed, you know?" In Sung hyung said. 

"Why are you even depressed anyways?" Kwang Soo asked.

I shot him a glare. As if they didn't know why.

"Let me just drown my sorrows with alcohol, okay?" I said, irritated. 

"What's going on with you? You should tell us instead of just keeping it to yourself." In Sung hyung said. 

I just shook my head at them. 

"Is this about Hye Kyo? I still haven't forgotten how you reacted with her leaving with Seung Heon that night during my party." Tae Hyun hyung said.

"Don't mention his name in front of me, hyung. I'm sick of it! All I see on the news is him." I exclaimed. I grabbed another bottle of beer as I emptied out the one I was drinking.

"Seriously, stop this." Kwang Soo said as he wrestled the bottle out of my hands.

"JUST LET ME BE!" I shouted. 

They all turned to me with a shocked look on their faces.

Regretting my outburst, I closed my eyes and exhaled. "I'm sorry, Tae Hyun hyung and In Sung hyung. Sorry Kwang Soo, for shouting as well I just....I really just...."

I choked as the tears I was trying to hold back fell. 

"Joong Ki...what's going on with you?" In Sung hyung asked as he sat next to me.

"Yah. You should just tell us what's going on and what you're feeling. We're your friends you know?" Tae Hyung hyung said as he looked at me with worry. 

"Joong Ki-ah..." Kwang Soo trailed. 

"I'm regretting everything." I breathed out as I tried to speak in between my tears. "I was so stupid to let Hye Kyo go and now I've really lost her. I was just about to tell her how I feel about her again, but I was too late."

"Joong Ki, what do you mean?" Tae Hyun hyung asked. 

"Feelings? for Hye Kyo Noona?" Kwang Soo asked. 

I nodded. "The friendship was just a pretense. I wanted to be her friend again so we can be close to each other again. I thought it was okay for me to take my time and to let our friendship grow more and just naturally confess that I still love her and that I want her back but never did I imagine that she was actually considering dating someone else. I thought they were just going on these friendly dates and that it wasn't a big deal, but I was wrong. I was so deep into my denial about her and Song Seung Heon that I overlooked the possibility of them becoming an actual couple." 

"Are you saying that you're inlove with her again?" In Sung hyung asked. 

I nodded once again.

"But Joong Ki, you were the one who filed for the divorce. Didn't you say that it was inevitable?" Tae Hyun hyung said. 

"I know, hyung. And I did say that before, but I realized a few months ago that it was all a mistake. It was all a huge mistake. I was too deep into my ego. I hated the fact that I felt like I was living in her shadow. I wanted to prove to myself and to everyone that I was just as good as her, that I was deserving to be with her, but she was too far for me to reach and all the pressure that I had placed on myself caused our divorce. We'd fight everyday, I'd unknowingly unleash my frustrations on her, and she had no idea of the internal battle I had with myself. The success she had that I used to look up to became something I resented her for. I thought I bit more than I can chew with marrying her. I thought that if our marriage continued I would grow to resent her more and more each day. I had all these thoughts when I filed for that damned divorce. I was so into the thought of rising in my career that I had forgotten the one thing that was most important of all; that I love her. That I used to not want anything but be with her. I was so blinded by the success and fame that I became sidetracked and lost the one thing I couldn't actually live without. I couldn't live without Hye Kyo in my life." 

My tears would not stop as I said all these to the three of them. They looked at me, dumbfounded, as I continued to let out all these feelings that I kept to myself.

"Hye Kyo was the one thing that made life good. She was the sole reason I