Guilt and Feelings

Like the Lotus

Joon Pyo made his way to the meeting with Ms. Lee, still irritated by the bossy manner in which she called the meeting in the first place. There was a rooftop café in the office building that Joon Pyo worked in. He'd eaten lunch there a number of times. He would look out over the expanse of the city. It reminded him of Namsan Tower and the first night he'd spent with Jan Di.

Joon Pyo was escorted to a table. He ordered a cup of coffee. Would Ms. Lee have the nerve to be late after warning him not to be? He noted that it was 10 til 7 by his watch. Ms. Lee arrived promptly at 7, not a minute before. She joined him at the table with a vibrant hello, dressed in business attire.

"It's a nice evening, isn't it?" She mused, after ordering a cup of coffee for herself.

"I suppose." Joon Pyo simply wanted to get down to business.

Ms. Lee smiled and studied him for a moment. "How was your day, Goo Joon Pyo?"

He responded in brief. "Fine. Shall we just get down to business?"

She chuckled. "Of course."

Joon Pyo and Ms. Lee discussed the points they planned to make at their meeting and travel arrangements that had been made on their behalf. Ms. Lee was well prepared, and it was apparent to Joon Pyo that she was no stranger to these sorts of meetings. He begrudgingly gave her the slightest bit of credit for her efforts. She appeared amused by his aversion to developing any kind of business relationship with her.

The two made short work of planning for their business trip, both equally adept at business matters. He hated to admit, but her skill seemed to parallel his own, which annoyed him to no end. The business discussion appeared resolved easily after 45 minutes, but Ms. Lee was in no hurry to leave.

"So, Joon Pyo, may I call you by your first name?" She asked resting her chin against her hand and looking at him across the table.

"If you must, Ms. Lee." He simply stated.

She nodded. "And please, call me Alex."

He nodded, eager to remain only the minimum amount of time needed for proper decorum. He didn't want to incur further conversation. Apparently, she planned to do otherwise.

"Have you been to Paris before?" She continued.

"Yes."

"The Champs-Elysees is particularly beautiful." She mused.

"Mm." Joon Pyo thought of the time he'd told Jan Di that he would take her there. They had yet to have that opportunity.

"Will it be a burden for you to travel to Paris?"

"No, why would it be?" He looked at her, slightly confused.

"Do you have a wife or girlfriend who will miss you?"

Joon Pyo's mind wandered to Jan Di for a moment. "My girlfriend is in Korea."

"Ah!" She nodded. "You must miss each other."

Joon Pyo pursed his lips. He wasn't pleased with the personal line of questioning.

"Do you see her often?"

"It's been a little over 6 months, but I don't see what this has to do with business. Are we finished here?"

Alex smiled. "I suppose we are. I'm sorry, I was just trying to get to know my new partner a little."

He simply stared at her.

She continued, "I work and travel so much that I don't really have time for relationships, myself. It never seems to fit into my world." The statement was unemotional, simply expositional.

Joon Pyo could understand this. He understood well the loneliness of being a successful businessperson. He understood how crushing it could be on relationships. Though his experience with Jan Di was unusual.

"There were times when it came down to work or love," she went on. "I always chose work."

He continued to look at her, his expression unreadable.

"I suppose that makes me a workaholic," she laughed.

Joon Pyo grinned ever so slightly.

"But I'm sure you make it work, Joon Pyo! Most people can." She remained bubbly.

He was silent. He couldn't tell whether she was being condescending or envious.

"It takes skill to juggle work and a personal life." She smiled.

Perhaps drawing upon a heightened sense of compassion learned from Jan Di, he responded.
"I'm sure you'll figure it out."

She smiled at him then quickly changed the subject. "Well, I suppose this meeting is adjourned! I'll see you at the airport then. Goodnight!" She grabbed his hand and firmly shook it, then plunked down the money for her coffee. She rose and turned, walking away.

"Good night." He stood and bowed, watching after her for a moment. She tossed a friendly wave back at him.


"What was I thinking?" Jan Di agonized on the phone with Ga Eul. "This is so bad!" Jan Di had called her friend for some desperately needed moral support.

"So, you guys really kissed?! And in front of all those people!" Ga Eul exclaimed.

"Yes." Jan Di affirmed in a somber tone. She lay on her bed and closed her eyes. "What should I do?"

"Well, it was an accident, right? It's not like you meant to do it."

"Yes, but…"

"But what?"

"Nevermind." Jan Di still struggled to admit that she hadn't exactly stopped the kiss as she could. She was still fuzzy on why this was.

"How am I going to tell, Joon Pyo?" Jan Di lamented.

"Jan Di, I don't think you should tell him."

"What?" She asked, incredulous. "I have to. I want us to always be honest with each other."

"Jan di, think about it for a minute. It was an accident. It didn't mean anything, right?"

Jan Di paused. "Right."

"Well, then there's no use in telling him. It will only make him upset or even angry and cause problems."

Jan Di considered this. Joon Pyo's temper was well-known, and he had hit Ji Hoo on several occasions for as much or less.

"Well, I'm not as worried about him being angry with me. I'm more worried about it causing problems between him and Ji Hoo Sunbae."

"Right," Ga Eul asserted. "So, it's not really worth telling him."

Jan Di couldn't ignore the gnawing feeling she had inside. "It just doesn't feel right not to tell him."

Ga Eul sighed. "Jan Di, trust me. It's best to just let it go."

Jan Di sighed and squeezed her pillow tightly. "I guess so…I wonder if Sunbae will say anything to him."

"If he values his life he won't," Ga Eul half-joked.

"Joon Pyo has gotten less aggressive than he used to be. He might understand." Jan Di defended.

"Hm. Well, I still think it's better for you guys to just move past it without saying anything to Joon Pyo."

Jan Di sighed once more and stared at the ceiling.

"So…" Ga Eul continued.

"So?"

"How was the kiss?"

Jan Di gaped. "What?"

"How was it?"

Jan Di exhaled. "Ga Eul!"

"Just curious."

"It was…well, I wasn't prepared for it…I don't know…" She stumbled over the words, unsure how to respond.

"Mm."

"It was…surprising…and it was quick, but…" Jan Di could feel her guilt building.

"But?"

"We were both caught off-guard, I think, and so….we kind of let it continue longer than we should have…" Jan Di winced at this admission.

There was a silence.

"Ga Eul…" Jan Di began.

"Hm?"

"What's wrong with me?"

Ga Eul assured her friend that nothing was wrong with her, hoping she could cheer her up, but knowing that she could not solve her friend's problem entirely. She could sense her friend's confusion but decided it best to not cause her further agony.

"I'm sure it's just like you said, you were both shocked by it, and your reaction time was just a little slow. Don't overanalyze it too much, ok?"

Jan Di exhaled sharply. "Ok, thanks."

"Maybe Ji Hoo Sunbae needs a girlfriend." Ga Eul commented off-handedly.

"Huh?"

"Maybe he's lonely."

Jan Di thought about this.

"Has Ji Hoo Sunbae shown any interest in any other girls, Jan Di?" Ga Eul asked with sincere curiosity.

Jan Di thought for a moment. "I never hear him mention anyone…oh, well actually…Seo Hyun is coming to town in a couple weeks." Jan Di said a bit absent-mindedly.

Ga Eul's eyes widened. "Really? Is she coming back to stay or just for a visit?"

Jan Di shook her head. "He didn't say, but I doubt she'll be staying."

"How does Ji Hoo Sunbae feel about her coming?"

Jan Di paused, considering. She wasn't really sure how Ji Hoo felt about it. Though she knew him well she couldn't read his expression when he'd told her about it. His expression had been blank and emotionless. But surely he still felt something for her…

"Jan Di?" Ga Eul's voice stirred her from her temporary stupor.

"Oh, sorry. I can't really tell how he feels about it. Surely he's happy…"

"How long is she staying?"

"Um, I'm not sure."

"Didn't you ask any questions?" Ga Eul stammered incredulously. She was definitely much more interested in other's business than Jan Di was.

Jan Di gave an awkward laugh. "Well, I'm sure I'll find out. I'm going to pick her up with him."

"You are?"

"Yes."

"He asked you to go?"

"Yes."

"Well, I suppose you do know Seo Hyun, too."

"Yea. He said that she is anxious to see me."

Feeling spent, Jan Di exchanged pleasantries with Ga Eul and hung up. She still had a knot in her stomach, despite the much appreciated support from her good friend. She couldn't seem to shake her uneasiness. She decided to go to bed early.

As she prepared for bed, her phone rang.

"Joon Pyo, hi." She was sincerely glad to hear from him but her voice remained downcast.

"Jan Di, what's wrong?" He asked, concerned. He'd been picking up her moods more easily than he used to.

She laughed awkwardly. "Nothing. I'm just tired. How are you?"

"Fine. What have you been up to?"

Jan Di had hoped to not have to retell the latest events in her life to him. She kept it brief.

"Just school, working, and hanging out with Ji Hoo Sunbae a little."

"Oh." He seemed a little disappointed. "Is he with you now?"

"No. What about you, Joon Pyo? What have you been up to?" She quickly changed the subject.

"Well, business as usual. I wanted to tell you that I will be making a trip to Paris for a business meeting."

Jan Di paused. "Oh. Wow, that sounds great."

"Eh, it's a pain, really."

"But to go to Paris for business, that's so exciting!"

He gave a short laugh. "I suppose." Business travel was old hat for him, but Jan Di still found it fascinating.

"I'd love to take you along," He said.

"Oh, wow, Joon Pyo, that sounds amazing, but I don't think I could possibly go with all that I have going on…when is it?"

"Monday."

"Wow, quick. How long will you be there?"

"Just for a few days."

"Mm."

"I have to go with a new colleague. It's completely annoying."

"I'm sure it won't be so bad. What is your colleague like?"

"She's completely obnoxious!" Joon Pyo blurted.

"Oh, she?" Jan Di hoped that she didn't come across as jealous. She actually trusted Joon Pyo entirely.

"Yes, we're collaborating with Lee Chin-Hwa's company, and she is his daughter Lee Ji-Min, or Alex as she goes by."

"Oh. Is she….nice?"

Joon Pyo laughed. "She reminds me of a young version of my mother."

"Oh, so she's really not nice." Jan Di chuckled nervously.

"It's not like that. She's very…dedicated but bossy…it's annoying," He reiterated.

Jan Di nodded to herself. "Hm. Well, I hope that you two can get along."

"Mm." He mumbled, wondering if he could manage that, himself.

"You be nice to her, Goo Joon Pyo!" Jan Di mockingly chastised.

He laughed. "I'll try. But enough about her. How have you been?"

"I've been good." She said, her tone still somber, distracted.

Joon Pyo didn't feel convinced and meant to push for more information. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She reassured. "Just under a little bit of stress."

"What can I do?" He asked, always one to take charge.

"Nothing. I'll be OK, really. I have to deal with it on my own."

"Mm. You haven't changed Geum Jan Di." He smiled on the other end.

She smiled, as well. "Did you expect me to change so much in 6 months?"

He chuckled. "No. Stay the same, always."

She smiled. "You notice we haven't been fighting as much? Are you mellowing, Goo Joon Pyo?" Jan Di joked.

He raised his voice in mock irritation. "Mellowing? You were the one who always overreacted and caused our fights!"

"Ha!" Jan Di laughed and shook her head. "You haven't really changed either. But I'm glad, too."


Ji Hoo had been keeping himself busy. Things had been hectic the last few days, but he welcomed the distraction. He'd found himself very preoccupied with his accidental kiss with Jan Di. Keeping busy seemed to help some. Grandfather hadn't been doing well lately, and he'd insisted that Ji Hoo reopen the clinic with a temporary doctor. Ji Hoo had been orienting the new doctor.

Ji Hoo had not talked further to Jan Di about the kiss. He'd decided it best to give her space, so as not to push her away. He knew that she regretted it. He wanted to assure her, but knew that it would be futile. He'd considered telling Joon Pyo but felt it best for everyone to refrain. He wondered if Jan Di would tell him.

Ji Hoo was at the clinic, busy helping out. He was currently missing Anatomy class that he had with Jan Di. The test was the day after tomorrow, so he'd make it for that.


Jan Di sat in class, in her typical seat, but Ji Hoo was not there. She wondered where he was and felt a bit distracted. She worried that something had happened to Grandfather. She hadn't heard from Ji Hoo. Perhaps he was as freaked out as she was. Was he avoiding her? That didn't seem like him, though. She was sure he had a good reason. She tapped her pencil lightly, doing her best to pay attention, but she continued to feel distracted.

Her mind wandered. She wondered if Joon Pyo's new partner was attractive. He'd left out any such details. But he wasn't one to make those kinds of comments anyway. She wasn't really worried, just curious. She berated herself for thinking of such frivolous things, especially in class.

She recalled her last conversation with Joon Pyo. She hadn't told him about the kiss. She felt bad, especially considering how much he seemed to be missing her. She felt unworthy of that. Her mind was still reeling and she continued to zone out off and on, attempting to get the most she could out of the lecture during her moments of clarity. Why did life seem so complicated right now?


Ji Hoo tended to some minor ails of the last few patients for the night at the clinic. The new doctor was a man in his early early 30s, relatively new but adept in the medical field. He seemed to be picking things up quickly.

Ji Hoo prepared to finish up and go to visit Grandfather. He turned to the door as Jan Di walked in. He stopped and looked at her for a moment, a bit shocked. "Jan di, what are you doing here?"

She looked down for a moment. "Well, you weren't in class, so I got worried…I thought maybe something happened to Grandfather. I went to your house, and you weren't there, but Grandfather's nurse told me that you were here."

He nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me you were working at the clinic again? I would've loved to help."

He thought for a moment. "I just figured that you have enough to keep you busy, and I knew that if I did tell you that you'd want to help. I just didn't want to add something else to your plate."

She smiled. Always protecting me… "But this is what I want to do with my life…and I enjoy working at the clinic and helping out Grandfather and you…"

Ji Hoo smiled and moved to stand a couple feet from her.

"And I brought you some notes from class today. Not that you'd need them," she joked.

She handed him a few sheets of loose-leaf paper. He took them and smiled. "Thanks. Would you like some tea?"

They headed to Grandfather's office. The new doctor was finishing up some paperwork behind Grandfather's desk. Jan Di was taken aback at seeing someone else sitting in Grandfather's chair. She couldn't help but notice that the man had a handsome, distinguished look.

"Oh, Jan Di, this is Dr. Gyeong Jang. He's helping out while Grandfather recovers. Grandfather knows his family."

Dr. Jang stood and bowed with a smile to Jan Di. She smiled and returned the bow.

"Pleased to meet you," he said, and Jan Di smiled and returned the greeting.

"Well, I need to be going. Ji Hoo, thank you for all your help today." Dr. Yang said, as he pulled on his coat over his lab jacket.

Ji Hoo nodded. "Thank you."

Dr. Jang nodded and shot a last smile to Jan Di before heading out.

And they were once again alone…

Ji Hoo looked to Jan Di after Dr. Jang left. "So, tea?"

"Mm," she replied.

Jan Di and Ji Hoo talked as they drank their tea. Ji Hoo filled her in on Grandfather's worsening condition. Jan Di was beginning to see the toll this was taking on Ji Hoo. He looked weary and depleted. She could tell he was putting on a strong front but clearly beginning to tire from the weight he'd been carrying. Jan Di wished she could do more for him and for Grandfather. They had done so much for her. For now, all she could do was to listen and to offer encouraging words.

Ji Hoo sighed after giving the account of his last few days. He looked at Jan Di. She still held a concerned expression. Her tenderness made him smile.

"Jan Di, shouldn't you go home? Big day tomorrow."

The test! Of course! This would be the first big one, a midterm. "Yes."

"You should get some rest," he said softly.

"I will. And you, too, Sunbae! You'll be there, won't you?"

He nodded. "I plan to be."

"For a moment I thought maybe you were avoiding me," she laughed, immediately reprimanding herself internally for such an idiotic comment.

He looked at her quizzically. "Why would I avoid you?"

Jan Di hemmed and hawed. "Oh, no reason!" She laughed awkwardly. "I just hadn't heard from you in a few days and you missed class and all. So, I worried that it was either that, or worse…"

His smile was grateful. "You missed me then?" he toyed.

Jan Di laughed awkwardly again. "I suppose I did," she admitted, looking down.

He turned to her. She met his eyes. "I missed you, too." His voice was gentle and completely sincere again. It was funny how they could miss each other after a few short days.

"And I wouldn't avoid you. I was more afraid that…you would be avoiding me after what happened."

They both paused, recalling the incident.

Jan Di exhaled. "Well, it's like you said. It was an accident. We can't change it, so I guess we should just move past it, right?" She said, attempting to placate him. She still hadn't let herself off the hook.

He nodded, looking downward, hands clasped.

She couldn't bear the sadness he continued to exude. She felt she should be erecting some kind of 10 foot rule for them to ensure no more mishaps, yet she moved closer. She took his hand and squeezed. He looked at her, surprised.

"Sunbae?"

"Yes?"

"You'll tell me if things get worse with Grandfather, won't you?"

"Of course," he said, surprised she would question that.

"Good." She reluctantly began to release her grip. He caught her hand and held onto it. He squeezed it lightly once more before allowing her to reclaim it. She looked downward.

"You won't try to deal with it all on your own, will you?" She asked, legitimately concerned that he would retract into his shell once more.

She looked him in the eye, and he met her serious gaze. He smiled. It did sound like something he would do. "I won't, Jan Di. I promise, I would tell you right away if something happened."

"Ok," she nodded. "Thank you, Sunbae. Because you know how much Grandfather and you mean to me…"

"I do. Thank you." He felt his emotions rising within him. For fear of exhibiting too much sentiment he decided to lighten the moment by tapping her cheek lightly with his finger, a decidedly more friendly gesture. "Don't make that face." He teased, recalling telling her the same thing after Joon Pyo had decreed that the two of them were to be expelled.

She grinned. "That's better," he responded sweetly.

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JHsgf82
I loved writing "Like the Lotus," but in a way, I enjoyed its sequel (Like the Lotus: The Continuing Story) even more.

Comments

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grammey #1
Chapter 34: I have read this story several times and enjoyed it every time.
liSSie #2
Chapter 1: As promised, I'm reading now.
jesuisx #3
Chapter 41: Hands down, the best fanfic I've ever read :') you are beyond amazing and I appreciate how all your fanfics are so detailed, precious and beautiful. Thank you so much for keeping Ji Hoo and Jan Di's story alive.
seamusmommy #4
Chapter 41: *sighs* bucket of happy tears falling down my face. Yes, the whole name thing gets confusing to write about, especially when they are minor characters.
seamusmommy #5
Chapter 40: Aigoo, just when I think things will go smoothly. Aish, these 2 dorks and what took JunPyo so long? I found myself shouting back at Jihoo when he asked JunPyo if he should have beat up his Mom's henchmen. Lol. So now what twists will authornim throw at me, tying my stomach in knots?
seamusmommy #6
Chapter 39: I really do hope this isn't JunPyo's doing. He should know by now he won't be getting anywhere this way.
seamusmommy #7
Chapter 38: A very distracting and jealous Jihoo is hard to ignore. Kekeke
seamusmommy #8
Chapter 37: Aaaahhh....aptly named chapter...but really...a giddy JiHoo is just a little too much, don't you think? And yet, my smile is stretching as wide as the table. LOL. I love Harabeoji...yes, Harabeoji, you make sure that boy remains a gentlemen and doesn't lose his head. ;) Phew! I made it. Still cringing at the beginning of this chapter and then grinning like a dork by the end. Resting for a bit and then I'll continue.
seamusmommy #9
Chapter 36: Aish!! JanDi, Jihoo...you're tying my stomach in knots!! Jihoo, my friend...that WAS an ultimatum. And Alex, I already told JunPyo that a few chapters ago, LOL. I told authornim I was cringing. Poor JunPyo, he just hasn't had a chance in all this. Well, focus on capturing the bad guy, JunPyo. That will make you feel better - a little.
seamusmommy #10
Chapter 33: I love Woo Bin. Everyone should have a loving and noble mafia guy in their life.