Depression

Like the Lotus

Ji Hoo drove Seo Hyun to the airport for her return flight to Paris. He was exceedingly quiet, more so than normal. Seo Hyun glanced over at him. "I went shopping with Jan Di the other day," she mentioned casually. He turned to look at her briefly then focused on the road again. "You did?" He mumbled off-handedly.

"Yes, she didn't tell you?"

"No," he replied simply.

She studied him for a long moment. "Are you alright?"

He nodded evenly.

"I'm concerned about her, Ji Hoo." Seo Hyun continued.

Surprised, he turned to her.

"Jan Di seems…very confused."

Ji Hoo sighed.

"Are you sure you're OK?"

"Yes." He said, not feeling like talking.

"Did something happen?" Seo Hyun continued, relentless.

He exhaled sharply. She continued to look over at him. He could feel her eyes burning into him. It was apparent that she wasn't going to let him off the hook.

"I told her…that we shouldn't see each other anymore." He finally admitted.

Seo Hyun gaped. "You did? When was this?"

"Two days ago."

Seo Hyun grew pensive, realizing it was the day she'd went shopping with Jan Di.

"I see. Why did you do that?" She asked him, seriously.

He thought for a moment. "Because I had to."

She watched him, waiting for further explanation.

Ji Hoo sighed again. "I did it because we were getting too close. It wasn't fair to Joon Pyo. I was being…selfish."

Seo Hyun nodded. "So, now you're running away?"

He glared at her. "No. I'm doing what is right and best for everyone."

"I see. Did you ever tell her how you feel?"

"I did." He paused. "…She didn't reciprocate."

"Was this recently?"

"It was about 8 months ago."

Seo Hyun grew pensive. "You know, sometimes it takes people awhile to realize what they feel. I believe that Jan Di feels more for you than you think."

"If that's true, then it's all the more reason to pull back!" Ji Hoo snapped.

He paused before continuing more calmly. "We were only confusing each other…and I'd be fooling myself to think that our relationship could ever be more."

Seo Hyun sighed and put a hand compassionately on his shoulder. He blinked down at it.

"Joon Pyo is my best friend," he continued, "And not just my best friend, he risked his life to save mine. He nearly died for me. How could I possibly take her from him, even if it was an option?"

"Joon Pyo is certainly not an obstacle to be taken lightly. But sometimes you have to consider your own happiness, too. If you can truly live without her and be happy, then you should probably do that. But if not…"

"And if neither of us can be happy without her, then what?"

"Well, then it's up to Jan Di isn't it?"

"Well, there's no contest as to who she would choose." He said, spitefully.

"Perhaps, but that's up to her to decide. But don't you think she deserves to have all the information?"

"I told you. I already told her how I feel. I was very clear."

"What did you say?"

Ji Hoo was becoming increasingly annoyed at having to explain himself and relive the painful not-so-distant past.

"I offered her my grandmother's ring."

Seo Hyun gasped slightly.

"That's pretty clear, isn't it?"

Seo Hyun pondered this. "Well, feelings can change, you know? It can sneak up on you. Sometimes the newness and excitement of a relationship wears off and a couple realizes that they aren't right for each other. Sometimes they continue to hold on even when they know it's not right." Ji Hoo wasn't sure if she was talking about her and him or insinuating something else.

"Joon Pyo and Jan Di, they've been through a lot of obstacles…but they never…let go of each other…" He replied, dismally. Seo Hyun nodded.

"I just can't continue to live like this. It may be cowardly, but it's too hard."

"As long as you can live without any regret. …Maybe it is best that the two of you get some distance. Maybe it will help both of you to sort out your feelings. It's interesting, though, the two of you just seem to fit like puzzle pieces."

"Why are you so interested, Seo Hyun?"

She grew thoughtful. "I think that you and I held onto each other longer than we should have. I think we both realize now that we are not meant to be. But I'd like to see you happy."

He heaved a sigh. "Thank you." She smiled genuinely back at him.


Ji Hoo and Seo Hyun said their goodbyes at the airport. There was a peaceful sense of closure between the two. They shared a warm hug. "It was nice to see you." She whispered.

"You too." He smiled at her and touched her arm in a friendly manner.

"Oh, could you give this to Jan Di for me?" Seo Hyun handed Ji Hoo a gift wrapped box with an envelope attached.

He looked at her quizzically. "Seo Hyun, I don't think…"

"You know that you two won't be able to stay away from each other forever…" She grinned at him. "Just give it to her for me when you get the chance."

He sighed and nodded. "Take care." He said.

"You too. And look after our Jan Di!" She said, as if talking about a child. She nudged him. He only offered her a reassuring smile.

She hugged him again and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Goodbye!" She exclaimed vibrantly and headed for her gate.


Jan Di had been in a fog the last few weeks. Joon Pyo was far away, and Ji Hoo felt even further away, after deciding that they should not see each other. Jan Di was grateful to be so busy because it kept her mind from wandering too much. She had been methodically going about her days. She would wake, go to school, work, go back to school, go home, and do homework or study. Many times she would fail to eat. She'd grown thinner.

Joon Pyo had been busier as of late, so their talks had been infrequent. Jan Di kept in touch with her family, and she had Ga Eul, but she could feel a hole growing within her chest. She would ignore it and mechanically attend to her responsibilities. The days melded together.

Jan Di had told only Ga Eul about Ji Hoo's decision. Ga Eul had been supportive and rational. She'd suggested that it was a good idea, in order to give them both some distance and time to sort out their feelings. This made sense. Jan Di just wished she knew for certain why Ji Hoo had done it.

Ga Eul watched Jan Di finish cleaning up silently at the porridge shop. Jan Di bid goodbye to Ga Eul and Master and headed to school. Ga Eul watched after her sympathetically.


Jan Di walked to class slowly. Her class with Ji Hoo had since ended. For the last several classes, after Ji Hoo had bid her goodbye, he'd taken a seat elsewhere in the classroom. She remained in the same spot next to where he used to sit. He hadn't come to the stairwell since that day. It felt strange to her, that things had flipped so completely. What had she done? During those last few classes, she'd done her best to remain focused. She deliberately refrained from looking over at Ji Hoo during class. She caught him looking at her once, out of the corner of her eye. And she'd seen him a few times in passing, but he would be evasive. At best, he'd offer a forced smile when they happened to make eye contact and then head the other direction.

As she walked to class, she heard the familiar sound of a violin in the distance. Jan Di headed toward the sound. Given the mesmerizing beauty of the music, she was not surprised to see Ji Hoo standing amidst the trees playing his violin. His back was partially turned from her, and his dark auburn bangs hung carelessly over his eyes. She noted that his hair was a bit longer now, reaching midway down his neck. A wave of nostalgia washed over her. She kept out of sight and watched him. She watched him slowly move his bow back and forth. She didn't recognize the haunting melody, but it was so beautiful that it brought tears to her eyes.

In the midst of a note, he stopped suddenly. The violin screeched. She feared he'd noticed her, as before, but instead he turned his back fully to her. He made his way to the bench and slumped down. She watched him plunk down his violin and bury his face in his hands. The scene seemed all too familiar, yet he had not broken a string nor cut himself. Her chest panged upon seeing him in agony once more. She wondered if things had again gone sour with Seo Hyun. She felt the urge to go to him, but she recalled his words. She turned away and headed the other direction toward class.


Days went by. Weeks went by. The holidays were approaching. It had been two months now since Ji Hoo had broken off contact. She hadn't even seen him in passing in awhile. She would occasionally think of something she wanted to share with him. She'd pick up her phone to text him or dial his number, but then she'd remember and stop herself. She wondered how he and Grandfather were doing.

She hadn't told Joon Pyo about the situation with Ji Hoo, and she didn't know if he had either. Joon Pyo hadn't said anything. He had been attempting to make contact with her, but business continued to be hectic. The merger had been taking up most of his time. She knew he was doing his best, and she was an understanding girlfriend. He'd mentioned visiting for Christmas, but it didn't look like it was going to happen now. She could feel her loneliness and the hollow inside her chest slowly growing. She set her mind to final exams for the semester. It was a vital time right now, no time for distractions. Her mother had asked her to go shopping this weekend. She was looking forward to the break.


"Jan Di." Ga Eul stirred Jan Di from her thoughts at the porridge shop.

"Hm?"

"Are you OK?"

She nodded. Ga Eul watched Jan Di sorrowfully.

Ga Eul had been increasingly worried about her friend lately. Jan Di hadn't been herself for months now. Her stress level seemed to be through the roof. She studied incessantly and slept little.

She always appeared lethargic. Her appetite had dramatically decreased, and she rarely smiled. Ga Eul wished that her friend would confide in her. She wished she could do something for her.

"Jan Di," Master called from the kitchen.

"Yes, Master?"

"Will you deliver this?"

She nodded and bowed. She grabbed the food and took note of the delivery address. She stopped. "Master, I can't…."

"I need you to deliver this." He insisted.

Jan Di hemmed and hawed. "Ok…" She sighed and exited the restaurant.


Ji Hoo returned home from the clinic. He'd been doing his best to occupy every moment of his time. He'd been going to school, working at the foundation, and staying late at the clinic every night. This had not gone unnoticed by Grandfather, and he was concerned.

Ji Hoo checked on Grandfather and asked if he could do anything for him. Grandfather denied needing anything and watched Ji Hoo aimlessly make his way back to the living room, searching for something to do with himself.

Ji Hoo plopped into his armchair and picked up a book. His phone rang. He answered. It was Woo Bin. Woo Bin was calling to ask Ji Hoo to go on a double date with him. Ji Hoo refused. Woo Bin did his best to convince him, but Ji Hoo simply reiterated a blunt "not interested."

Ji Hoo went back to his book. He read a few sentences and tossed it aside. He leaned wearily in his chair. Dark circles had begun to form beneath his eyes from lack of sleep. Perhaps he would attempt to doze off. He closed his eyes for a moment, but every time he closed them he could see her face. Memories would drift back. It used to be so easy for him to just drift off anytime, anywhere, but now, short bursts of sleep required considerable effort. He willfully attempted to nap once more but was interrupted by a knock at the door.

He answered and was startled to see Jan Di there. She felt as if it had been years since she'd seen him.

"What are you doing here?" He asked coldly.

She recoiled. "Um, I'm sorry to come, but I brought a delivery." She held up the food. "It wasn't my idea." She clenched her jaw, perturbed.

He exhaled. They stared at each other for a moment, and then she looked away.

She opened to speak. "How's-?" She began, but he cut her off. "Thank you for the food." He replied mechanically.

She released a deep breath and shook her head in understanding. "I'll go now." She responded, hurt.

She handed the food over and quickly left. Ji Hoo closed his eyes and clenched his jaw tightly. His chest was rising and falling heavily.

Grandfather shuffled over to him after witnessing the interaction. Ji Hoo was shocked to feel Grandfather smack him on the arm. "What's the matter with you?" he shouted. Ji Hoo flinched. "How could you treat Jan Di like that?" He barked.

"What do you mean? You were the one who told me to distance myself, weren't you?"

"I never told you to be so rude, you insolent little welp!"

"Grandfather." Ji Hoo replied calmly. "With all due respect, what would you have me do?"

Grandfather grumbled. "Ahh, I don't know. Maybe you should just kiss the girl!" He exclaimed, exasperated.

Ji Hoo stared at Grandfather blankly. "What? Are you suggesting that I kiss my best friend's girlfriend, no wait, fiancée, practically?"

He rubbed his neck. "Ehhh, I don't know. Kiss her or don't kiss her. But do something! You've been moping around for months!" Grandfather grouched, fed up.

Ji Hoo simply stared at him. Grandfather threw up a hand and brushed Ji Hoo off with an "Arghhh" and stumbled back to his room, grumbling the whole way. Apparently, his clever plan had failed.

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JHsgf82
I loved writing "Like the Lotus," but in a way, I enjoyed its sequel (Like the Lotus: The Continuing Story) even more.

Comments

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grammey #1
Chapter 34: I have read this story several times and enjoyed it every time.
liSSie #2
Chapter 1: As promised, I'm reading now.
jesuisx #3
Chapter 41: Hands down, the best fanfic I've ever read :') you are beyond amazing and I appreciate how all your fanfics are so detailed, precious and beautiful. Thank you so much for keeping Ji Hoo and Jan Di's story alive.
seamusmommy #4
Chapter 41: *sighs* bucket of happy tears falling down my face. Yes, the whole name thing gets confusing to write about, especially when they are minor characters.
seamusmommy #5
Chapter 40: Aigoo, just when I think things will go smoothly. Aish, these 2 dorks and what took JunPyo so long? I found myself shouting back at Jihoo when he asked JunPyo if he should have beat up his Mom's henchmen. Lol. So now what twists will authornim throw at me, tying my stomach in knots?
seamusmommy #6
Chapter 39: I really do hope this isn't JunPyo's doing. He should know by now he won't be getting anywhere this way.
seamusmommy #7
Chapter 38: A very distracting and jealous Jihoo is hard to ignore. Kekeke
seamusmommy #8
Chapter 37: Aaaahhh....aptly named chapter...but really...a giddy JiHoo is just a little too much, don't you think? And yet, my smile is stretching as wide as the table. LOL. I love Harabeoji...yes, Harabeoji, you make sure that boy remains a gentlemen and doesn't lose his head. ;) Phew! I made it. Still cringing at the beginning of this chapter and then grinning like a dork by the end. Resting for a bit and then I'll continue.
seamusmommy #9
Chapter 36: Aish!! JanDi, Jihoo...you're tying my stomach in knots!! Jihoo, my friend...that WAS an ultimatum. And Alex, I already told JunPyo that a few chapters ago, LOL. I told authornim I was cringing. Poor JunPyo, he just hasn't had a chance in all this. Well, focus on capturing the bad guy, JunPyo. That will make you feel better - a little.
seamusmommy #10
Chapter 33: I love Woo Bin. Everyone should have a loving and noble mafia guy in their life.