“Lies...”

His words were like shards of glass piercing through my chest; the shards that I had caused. Before I had entered Jaejoong’s life, he was a delicate vase, a masterpiece to be exact.

Because of me, he was no longer a vase, but a flock of shards.

“No...I...do....Jaejoong...” I wailed, grabbing a hold of his hand.

He immediately retracted his hand, jerking his head to the side.

“Lies,” he spat. “You’re pitying me again...aren’t you?”

“No...” I croaked. “I...I had feelings for you...ever since that day...”

His gaze returned to mine, his eyes widening.

“I tried...so hard...not to love you...I really did...for the sake of Chae Won, for the sake of my reputation...but...I can’t...” I stammered, heaving my chest.

“Since...when...did you feel this way....” he muttered. 

“Ever...since... that day I saw you.... underneath that tree...in the hospital courtyard...when I saw you...you looked like the man I drew...the man I kept drawing in my sketchbook...”

“The...man in your drawings?” he croaked.

“I was drawing you by instinct...even though...even though I didn’t remember you...then I knew...that you could’ve been a person of my past...but I wasn’t sure...”

“...”

“When you moved into my house...my mind started going crazy. Just the sight of you, my heart would race...”

“...”

“And then it got worse when I started getting some of my memories back...which all consisted of you...my mind went crazy since I didn’t know what to believe...”

“...”

“Then, I finally hit my reaching point...when I kissed you at the park that night...”

Jaejoong remained still as a rock, his gaze locked upon mine.

“Do...you know why I took you to this place? Why I made us run away from Seoul?”

“...”

“After that journal...my feelings...they got spiraled out of control...when you picked me up from Go-Ara’s house...I was angry at you...but at the same time...I thought about the pain we experienced...the separation we had to go through...”

“...”

“So then...I wanted to make it up for you...not just for you...but...for myself...”

“...”

“When we sleep in the same bed...I fight the urge...just to kiss you...I wanted to kiss you...so...so...bad....but then I remembered you had Ji Cheol...and I...had Chae Won...but...Jaejoong-ah...”

“...”

“I...don’t think I’ll hide my feelings anymore...I don’t think I can fight this battle with myself...God knows how much I want to love you...to kiss you...to make love with you...I know it’s wrong...but I can’t fight the urge...”

“...”

“I’m sorry...I’m sorry for making you into a toy...I’m sorry for mentioning Chae Won’s name in front of you...I’m...I’m sorry...for everything I did to you...I’m sorry for continuously hurting you...your pain...is my pain...”

“Yunho-yah...” he muttered, his lips quivering.

“I ing love you Kim Jaejoong...do you hear that? I ing love you!” I cried, loud enough for the whole ward to hear.

“From now on...I won’t be a coward...I’ll fight for everything we’ve lost...even if it’s a long battle...I’ll fight through it...this paradise of ours...it won’t just last for a month...I’ll make it eternal.”

“But...but what about Chae Won? What about Ji Cheol? What about you? Are you sure...you...”

“This took me four months just to tell you this...four freakin’ months...”

“But Chae Won...don’t you love her?”

My bac grew rigid, conflicted with his question. I had no words to describe my current feelings towards her. She was laid to rest for so long, that her presence seemed non-existent.

“I...I do...but...then you came,” I confessed. “Don’t...don’t you want me to love you?”

“I..I..do...but our current circumstances...”

“Jaejoong,” I said, tightening my grip on his hand. “Why are you giving up?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Before...you wouldn’t have hesitated...but...now...it seems that you’re reluctant...”

“There’s Ji Cheol,” he clarified.

The sound of Ji Cheol’s name escaping from Jaejoong’s lips made me wince. I couldn’t fathom the fact of them being together.

“Do...do you love him?” I asked.

His expression remained blank, conveying nothing.

“I...” he croaked. “God knows my heart only beats for you...”

“...”

“Nothing...could replace you Yunho...nobody...not money, or another man...” he said, cupping my face. The cold, soft texture of his hands sent jittery tingles down my spine. His touches had a velvety quality to them, a tenderness that one could not replicate.

“I love you,” he said, the ends of his mouth curving. “I love you...”

“I love you,” he repeated. “I love you...I really, really, really, really love you Jung Yunho. Don’t you know...how long I’ve been holding it in? To tell you that I love you?”

“You...” I said, clutching his hand. “You must’ve held it in a long time...”

“I...love you Jung Yunho....I love you so much....I’ll say these words...until the day I die...”

~

“Ji Cheol,” I said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Ji Cheol turned around with a cigarette in one hand. “Yunho...” he croaked, tossing the cigarette on the ground, stomping it.

We stood underneath the shadow of a tree, surrounded by colossal hospital buildings. Various plantations sprouted from the ground, embellishing the courtyard. Night engulfed the skies, darkening the atmosphere. One could tell that fall was approaching, due to the bittering winds, and the withering leaves that fell from its branches.

Thinking of Jaejoong, my courage strengthened. I didn’t dare flinch, or wince to my fear, knowing that Jaejoong was waiting for me.

“Please...” I said, kneeling on the ground. “Let me love Jaejoong.”

“What?” he asked.

I looked up at him, sighting his imposing structure. “I...love him.”

His eyes grew wide, clear enough to see in the darkness. “You...you what?” he stuttered.

“I love him,” I croaked.

“You...finally figured that now?” he asked.

“Yes...I love him. My heart goes crazy for him. My mind does too...”

“Is this love out of pity?” he asked.

“No. It’s not. I loved him since we were teenagers...even though I don’t remember much of it...the feelings I had for him are the same, if not stronger...”

“Are you no longer afraid?” he asked.

“No.”

“Not of the truth?”

“No.”

“Are you ashamed that you love him? Do you feel regret?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Will you cherish him?”

“Yes.”

“Will you satisfy him?”

“Yes.”

“Stand up Yunho-ssi,” he ordered.

I abided his orders and rose from the ground.

“You...” he said, grabbing a hold on my shoulder, giving me somewhat of a reassuring look. “You can have him.”

“Wait...you’ll...let him go?” I asked, fazed.

“I was nothing but a rebound for Jaejoong,” he said, soon letting go of me. He placed his hands in his pocket, sinking his gaze to the ground. “Like you played with him, he played with me. And I let him.”

“But...” I stammered. “He seemed to really like you...”

“No. He only liked me because of the ,” he said. “In our dates...he barely paid attention to a word I said...his mind...seemed like it was somewhere else...”

“But...but...”

“I let him play with me like a violin.”

“...”

“But...I can’t torture him anymore...I have to let him go, right?” he asked. “And...you seem like a good candidate.”

“Ji-Cheol-ssi...”

“Not Ji Cheol-ssi,” he said. “Hyung. Call me hyung,” he said, patting me on the back.

“Hyung. You...you’re totally cool...” I muttered.

“I know...” he said, smirking.

“So...you’re not heartbroken?” I asked.

“I...I am...but...it’s the best for him, right?”  

“I...can’t believe it...”

“First come first serve, right Yunho-ssi? If I force myself on him, he’s going to end up killing himself...”

“...”

“There’s other men in the sea...I’m used to this heartbreak...” he sighed.

“How...how? I mean...why would anyone break up with you? You’re like...the perfect man...”

“Because...I haven’t found the ‘right’ one yet.”

“Well...there’s always a friend of mine who’s willing to hook up with a guy...” I said.

“Who?”

“Kim Heechul,” I said, smirking. “He hasn’t moved on from his first love yet...and...he’s in need of a man...”

“Are you some matchmaker? Before you paired me up with Jaejoong, and now...you’re pairing me up with your friend?”

“Yes,” I chuckled. “Actually...Heechul was the one who tried to get me and Jaejoong back together back in the day...”

“Wow...I guess you’re giving the favor back, right?”

“I am...so...” I said, pulling out my phone. “I’m going to set you up with him...”

“Wait...so suddenly?!” he burst, his eyes growing. “Yunho-ssi...”

“I took Jaejoong away from you...and I want my friend to have happiness...”

“Wait!!”

“Hello?” I said, holding the phone to my ear. “Heechul-yah!”

“Yunho?! Why are you calling me so late?”

“Because...” I said. “I...I want you to meet someone...”

Ji Cheol gave me a pleading look, tugging me on the sleeve.

“Who?!”

“A really...really hot man...”

“Really?! Is...is he...gay?” he whispered.

“Why would I call you if he’s not gay?!”

“Omo!! Who is he?!! How does he look like?!” he cried.

“He looks like Gong Yoo!”

Ji Cheol’s cheeks reddened.

“Omo!! I love Gong Yoo!!”

“That’s why I want you guys to meet...”

“Where...where shall we meet?”

“Ji Cheol-hyung,” I said, pulling the phone away from my ear. “What place do you prefer?”

“He can choose,” Ji Cheol said, letting go of my sleeve. It seems that he’s come to terms with my sudden matchmaking.

“Your choice,” I said into the phone.

“Really?! What a gentleman!” Heechul gushed. “How about...hmmm...Namsan Tower? Like those dramas!!”

“Ji Cheol-hyung...are you okay with driving all the way Seoul on your first date?”

“I guess I am, if that’s what he wants. Where does he want to go?”

“Namsan tower, just like the dramas,” I said, repeating Heechul’s words.

“Namsan Tower is fine with me then,” Ji Cheol smiled.

“Namsan tower is fine,” I said to Heechul.

“Omo! That’s perfect!!”

“Anways, I got to go...I’ll text you his number okay?”

“Okay Yunho-ssi! He better look like Gong Yoo, or else I’m going to call Catfish!!”

“Don’t worry, he looks exactly like Gong Yoo...you’ll piss yourself when you see him.”

I hung up and placed my phone in my pockets, giving Ji Cheol a wide grin.

“That date...it’s so sudden...”

“What’s the use of moping over Jaejoong when you can get yourself a new man? And Heechul is a great guy, you have nothing to worry about...”

“You shouldn’t be wasting time talking to me Yunho-ssi. You should be spending your time with Jaejoong...now go...go and chase your dreams...just like what Eun-Tak-ssi says,” he chuckled.

“I will...I will chase my dreams.”

“Good luck with Jaejoong.”

“Good luck with Heechul.”

He’ll need it.

~

“You what?!” Jaejoong exclaimed, pulling away from the backrest.

“I hooked him up...with Ji Cheol...”

“You...you did what?!”

“Heechul...Ji Cheol...even their names rhyme...”

“But, I didn’t even get a chance to break up with him yet!”

“He knows...” I said, scratching my head. “He knows that you used him as a rebound...”

“I...I should apologize to him,” he said, his eyes zipping back and forth.

“Don’t worry...I did all the work for you...”

“But...still...”

“He understands. I think the whole world knows that you’re in love with me Kim Jaejoong-ssi,” I said, putting my hand on his lap as I arched my back.

His eyes were clearer than before, darker than I’d envisioned it. His lips, did they always look this plump? Or was it I that caused his lips to throb in arousal?

“You’re so pretty,” I said, leaning closer to him.

“And you’re...gorgeous...”

“Not really,” I said, sitting on the stool, resting my chin on my palms. “I’m nothing compared to you...I’m a total ahjussi.”

“Who said?”

“Eun-Tak.”

“Huh?”

“An employee who works at Ji Cheol’s shop. She thought I had a daughter...”

“Ha!” Jaejoong laughed. “I can totally see you having daughters...”

“With you?” I asked.

“How is that possible? I’m a man.”

“There’s always adoption,” I said.

“Do you love me that much that you’re already thinking about adoption?” he asked.

“I am.”

“But...Yunho...how about Chae Won?”

Why was he bringing her up so suddenly? I was concerned, I was confused and I knew I was wrong, but I couldn’t think her about now. I refused to. I only wanted to think about the present, and push the future into the backburner.

“Are you that scared?” I asked.

“Yes,” he nodded.

“When she wakes up...I’ll...I’ll break up with her...” I croaked.

“But...you’ve been with her for so long...”

“Didn’t you hate this woman before? Why are you getting a conscience now?”

“Because...she’s in the hospital...and...”

“Stop Jaejoong. I know I’m in the wrong, and you talking about it is making me feel worse about the whole situation...”

“God...I’m sorry Yunho, I didn’t mean to make you feel like the worst person in the world...”

“It’s okay,” I said, firmly gripping on his hand. “We’re both sinners in this world...we’re not perfect.”

Honestly, the idea of breaking up with Chae Won sounded like the most heart wrenching thing in the world, considering our long relationship. I loved her, I really did. But, this was my life. I’ve been lying to myself for too long.

But, what did I lie about? I really did love Chae Won, and the moments we had spent together. None of them were a waste. All of them held memories, which I cher