[CONTENTID2] RECOVERY JOURNAL [/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID1] 

July 30th, 2006

Today was Hyung’s birthday, so then we held a birthday party for him.

Appa never held a birthday party for me. Only Changmin and In-Sung get treated. It’s a punishment for my ‘bad’ behavior.

I remember my last birthday being really sad. Appa didn’t even greet me happy birthday. I wasn’t even home. I drank all night and stayed at Yoochun’s house until I had school the next day. Yoochun even gave me as a ‘birthday present’. I remember the first hit being the best experience I had in my whole life. I haven’t taken it since then, and I’m not planning to.

Anyways, let’s talk about In-Sung’s fantastic~~birthday party. Since he is the golden boy of the house, am I right?

I was listening to Rain’s album while drawing a picture of Jaejoong’s face. Drawing is the only thing I’m good at besides fighting and upsetting my dad, so I had nothing else to do.

I got bored of everything so then I went downstairs and I saw Jaejoong’s mom, Jaejoong and the rest of the maids cooking for In-Sung’s party. I watched them from the staircase…taking a peek from behind the archway.

Jaejoong is really good at cooking. He was helping his mom boil the kalbi. He really looked like he knew what he was doing.  He had an apron on, which made him look really~really cute. How could a guy be that cute? I felt like my heart was going to burst. I just wanted to put him in my pocket and bring him everywhere, and call him ‘Jaejoong-ah~~”

Just as I was about to go back upstairs, Changminnie called my name when he was going down the stairs. Aish! That little ! I totally didn’t want the other maids to hear my name, but little Changmin ruined the plan. Well, he’s not really small…he’s actually growing quite fast.

Then I had to go into the kitchen to make it seem like I wasn’t being a stalker or anything. Then I asked Changmin what he wanted. Then Changmin asked me why I was staring at them while hiding. Thank god the others didn’t hear what he said, if they did my life would be over. Then I told him the food looked good…that’s all.

Then the little rascal went back upstairs. Aish…I’m still mad at him for calling my name out like that.

Then Jaejoong asked me to go help him with the food. So then I did, totally not thinking about how it’ll make me look like a .

He told me to wrap the meat with lettuce and stuff vegetables in it. My hands are totally clumsy so when I tried to put the vegetables in it…the whole lettuce wrap crumbled! I am totally not destined for cooking.

But then he did the most heart fluttering thing ever…he held my hand and guided me with the lettuce-wrapping…I was seriously going to die of happiness.

His hands were so smooth, and pale…and his fingers are so cute. They’re really stubby but it’s so cute~~aish…what am I going to do about you Jaejoong-ah~? Why do you have to be so cute!! ><

Aish…I’m turning into a for this guy…really…   ♡  ♡  ♡

Aigoo! I’m totally losing it!! Why am I drawing hearts all over the page?

After that I finished wrapping the lettuce and then I also helped with the mandu (dumplings). Even the maids were super shocked that I helped with the kitchen. They actually kinda looked scared of me. They were so conscious and they were totally trying to kiss my …

“Yunho! You don’t need to help!”

But I ing want to help. What are you gonna do about it? Aish…really…

At least Jaejoong’s mom was cool with it. I wonder if she knows if her son is gay.

Okay let me get back to the topic. So then after cooking all the food, I help the maids put it on the table in the backyard. The weather was really nice so we decided to hold the party outside. The food looked really, really good and I helped with it. I’ve never felt so accomplished in my life.

Then my happiness was all ruined when Hyung came home. The attention Jaejoong had for me immediately went to Hyung. I swear…is my Hyung some sort of a magnet? Jaejoong’s eyes were literally glued to Hyung, he didn’t even blink once!

Yeah I know my Hyung’s good looking…good looking as an actor, but I’m not bad myself!! I’m over 180 cm, my nose is high, I have good shoulders…even broader than Hyung’s!! What am I lacking!!??? Aish!!! This is making me totally frustrated!! Maybe I should steal some of Hyung’s cologne or something if it has the ability to make Jaejoong turn gagagooogooo…

Hyung’s friends came over. Even Ji Hyun came.

There was Ji-sub-hyung, Woo-Sung-hyung, Won-Bin-hyung, Jung-Jae-hyung...they all look like they belong to In-Sung’s friends because they’re all tall, and handsome. Even as I guy I had to admit it. With the four of them, plus In-Sung…they totally make me look like a squid. Even the maids were drooling…

Ji-Hyun is really~really pretty. It was like seeing a goddess in real life. Her friend Song Hye-Kyo came too, and she was a goddess too…why is Hyung friends with good looking people…I even forgot Jaejoong existed for ten minutes because I was too busy staring at the two noonas.

Hye Kyo called me cute and pinched my cheeks. Hyung says I’m not cute once you got to know me. That’s a fact I can’t deny…but can’t Hyung let me off the hook, just for once?? Hye Kyo says I can call her noona, so then I said.

“Noona…you’re really, really pretty~~~”

And then Hyung smacked me on the back of the head. Aish. In-Sung says that Hye-Kyo noona is already taken by Won Bin-hyung. What an unfair world.

Okay, so then we held the party outside and we ate yadadadayada…

Changmin was super happy because there was so much food!! All the Noonas going crazy over Changmin because apparently he’s too cute…

I’m sorry but Changmin is too young for you cougars!! He’s only 14…

Changmin ate everything like a vaccum…aish…the mouth of that boy…

For the whole time, while I was eating the mandu I helped cook, I was staring at Jaejoong. He looked really, really left out. He was standing underneath a tree…so then I walked over to him and gave him some of my food since he didn’t take any.

Aish. Did Jaejoong even eat? He’s so~so~ skinny! I need to give him a fridge or something for his birthday. Maybe a life supply of rice cakes.

Jaejoong and I talked. I was asking him if he was getting jealous. And he said no. He’s was totally pretending that he doesn’t know about Ji-Hyun and Hyung…That night I could really see the jealousy in his eyes…

Then Jaejoong said something really pitiful.

“Do you think I’m good enough for your Hyung? Look at them…they’re totally confident, and then there’s me. Lanky, pale, skinny, socially awkward Kim Jaejoong.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Are you kidding? Jaejoong, you’re totally perfect! You’re prettier than a girl! How could you say that about yourself???”

And then he gave me a worrying look.

“That makes me feel worse…”

“Why?” I asked him.

Then he says…

“I wish I was manlier…you know like you…”

I couldn’t believe my EARS! He was comparing himself…to ME? The epitome of failure? The lowlife gangster???

“Me? Why?” I ask him.

Then he says…

“Look at you. Your really~really tall…and you have color in your skin, unlike me…and you look like…you know a guy…I look like a girl…”

I laughed at him. He looked taken aback by my laugh.

“I didn’t know you find me handsome…” my cheeks were seriously blushing when I said those words. Aish. So embarrassing.

“I thought you already knew…since you know…you sleep with a lot of girls and stuff…”

Aish…this conversation was totally heading the wrong way.

When I was about to say something, Jaejoong’s mom called him from inside, so then Jaejoong had to head back inside.

I stayed outside, just looking at the sunset. Wondering if I could I ever get Jaejoong’s heart.

Then I got bored, so then I went back inside. I went to the bathroom and jacked off a bit, thinking about Jaejoong’s face…his skin…his hair…his lips…all of it was too attractive. .  Then I stayed in my room for a couple of hours, taking a brief nap.

Then I woke up and headed back outside and I saw Hyung and Jaejoong talking underneath the tree we were in two hours ago. It was already night, but I could clearly see the look in Jaejoong’s face. He was practically glowing when he was talking to Hyung.

Can I make him glow like that? I swear Jaejoong behaves normally around me, but when he’s with Hyung he’s like super submissive, and he always covers his mouth because he’s too busy smiling.

I snuck up to where they were and listened to their conversation. Thankfully they didn’t see me due to my good hiding skills.

I remember their conversation word by word.

Jaejoong: In-Sung-hyung…what do you…what do you think about men and men liking each other?

In Sung: Well, haha~ I don’t really think about it too much. Why Jaejoong-ah? Perhaps, do you have something you want to confess to your hyung?

Jaejoong went a silent for a while and then he said something like…

Jaejoong: Just tell me what you think…and I’ll tell you whether I like men or not~~

In-Sung: Well, men and men…hmmm…it’s a bit strange, but I don’t mind it at all. It’s just something that I’m not accustomed to. But what can we do about it?

Jaejoong: If I told you l like men…will you find me weird?

In Sung stayed quiet for a while.

In-Sung: No. Just because you like men, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person…right?

Jaejoong: What…what would you do…if a man confessed to you?

In-Sung: Well…honestly, I’d feel a bit weird. Since you know, I like women more.

Jaejoong: Would you give them the chance?

In-Sung: No. I’m afraid not. Just dating a man…would gross me out. I respect other’s choices, but I’m not really into the guys my gender. And I think, my father would prefer me to marry a woman.

Jaejoong: Oh…I see…

In-Sung: Why are you asking?

Jaejoong: Oh…nothing

And then Jaejoong did the unexpected and ran. He ran out of the backyard. I ran after him, trying to catch up to him in the dark.

Then I lost track of him…

After thirty minutes of walking around the streets, trying to find him…I found him in the red phone booth-the one beside the oak tree.

I heard him crying. His back was against the phone booth and he buried his head in his knees. His cries were so loud. And then I took him in my arms. He was taken aback, until he saw me.

Then he asked me. “Why are you here? How did you find me?”

Then I said. “Is that really important right now?”

Then he said. “Why is the world so unfair -sobs- why can’t I just like women? Why -sobs- why do I have to suffer like this?”

Somehow, I felt his pain. We were suffering the same fate. My brother’s heart was with Ji-Hyuns. Not Jaejoong’s. And Jaejoong’s heart wanted Hyung. And I wanted nobody but Jaejoong.

Then I piggy backed him on the way home…

I had to tell him about Ji-Hyun and my Hyung. So then I did. He said he didn’t know, but I bet he was just pretending not to know. But he was already faced with the harsh reality. I also told him that Hyung smokes as much as me. But it seems that Jaejoong doesn’t care. Because love overlooked flaws. Then I asked him to give up on my Hyung…he’ll think ab