[CONTENTID2]Serenity[/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID1]Important Author's Note: In the 13th chapter: Awaited Treat, JJ tells Yunho that he got ually assaulted. I totally ignored that fact when I wrote Yunho's diary/journal, so I made it seem like Jaejoong got , since that's what Yunho wrote (my mistake). Jaejoong was actually ually assaulted, not . I edited the journals now and changed the words from to ual assault. Including the lawsuit that was later dropped. The events that were recorded in the journal were written unplanned, so that's why there's lots of plot holes and stuff. Sorry if that caused any misunderstandings. Please don't kill me. 

Trying to quench my palpitating curiosity, I turned the paper, resulting in disapointment as I flipped through blank pages. . Was that it? My body, my heart, my mind craved for answers. The idea of not uncovering the whole story to my past haunted me greatly like a lingering stain.

Somehow, my teenage-self’s desperation for Kim Jaejoong brought tears to my eyes, which dotted the journal’s paper.

Kim Jaejoong. Jung Yunho. We were the leads of our own story, and this journal just proved that. My own craziness drove me to do numerous things, which left me astounded, considering the current state we were in.

Yes, I liked Jaejoong…but, would I actually sacrifice my own happiness, my wealth, my dignity…just to possess his heart? Maybe in the past, but definitely not in the present.

His kiss. I did feel something from the kiss from that park. But I had Chae Won. And…and we were just in the moment. I wasn’t in the right state of mind. And neither was he.

And that’s what hurt the most. Knowing that my love for him was sharp as a blade, has now detoriated into a blunt, dull edge that left nothing but a mere pain.  

We both had responsibilities as adults. Puppy love was a thing of a past. We’d, no-I had looked at the world through rose-tinted glasses. Although I had a tainted past of excessive alcohol and drug use, I was trapped in a teenage boy’s mind, which prevented me to view the world in its truest form.

Love didn’t get you by in life. Society did. Society connects people, gets people jobs, gives people relationships, keeps the world going, flourishes businesses. If Jaejoong and I attempted to go against society’s conservative structure, we’d be ed. Worse, we’d be ostracized and exiled from all the things we’d worked hard for. Relationships, jobs-everything.

I know how homophobic this small country is. I hear news about it everyday, people committing suicide due to bullying, harassment…I can’t imagine it happening to me nor Jaejoong.

Even if I was gay, or whatever I was…I had no choice but to conceal it.

But you know what surprised me even more?

My father. Yes, I’m aware of the fact that my father is scary as hell. He’s intimidating and serious, but I never knew he was capable of doing more. He beated me, yelled at me, and called me worthless.

Yoochun. Yoochun didn’t surprise me, but the fact that I used to be friends with a disgusting bastard who committed sinful, disgusting acts against the vurunable caused my stomach to lurch.

Although I still couldn’t envision the events written in the journal, it didn’t fail to get my sympathy. Reading the product of my teenage angst, I’ve not come to resent it, but to accept it.

Chae Won-ah…what do I do now? How was I supposed to face Jaejoong without thinking abuot the sinful things we had done? How was I supposed to live, knowing that I touched every part of his body, including his heart? How was I going to look Jaejoong in the eye without thinking about the past? Could I do it? Could I step back into the house, and pretend that I read none of this?

And the fact that Heechul, In-Sung, Changmin knew about this little secret of mine drove me to the end of my sanity.

This was why Changmin ripped my sketchbook at the hospital from a while back. This was why In-Sung looked taken aback when I said Jaejoong’s name. This was why Heechul seemed shocked at the café when he caught a glimpse of Jaejoong.

I placed the journal back into the back, not wanting to do anything with it anymore. I glanced at the clock, observing the time. It’s been two hours since I’ve been glued to the floor without moving a single inch. Did time really pass by that fast? Just like the time I was separated from Kim Jaejoong?

I dug my hands further into the box, soon taking grasp of a canvas’s edge. I drew it out of the box, needing to get a sight of it.

My mouth tore open as I saw the painting. My trembling fingers glided over the canvas’s rough exterior as my eyes danced over the image.

Kim Jaejoong. His big, round eyes, his straight, prominent nose, his rose tinted lips-all of those features belonged to him. It left females envious, and males yearning for his touch-specifically me.

A blend of pastels and light hues graced over the canvas, signifying the innocence the young Kim Jaejoong had once exuded. From the slight flaws of my technique, to the slight distortion of his facial proportions, one could tell this painting was aged. My skills have progressed significantially, making me the artist I am today. But despite its faults, I didn’t fail to evoke the warm feeling of nostalgia and lust.

My eyes shifted to the corner of the painting as I take notice of the date.

December 21st, 2006

Almost ten years ago.

Would the teenage Jung Yunho be able to predict the outcome of the adult Jung Yunho? Would’ve I expected our separation to occur? Could the past Jung Yunho accept the fact that Kim Jaejoong was no longer his? That Kim Jaejoong was no longer in his heart? Was Jaejoong aware of this fact?

“Sorry Kim Jaejoong…I shouldn’t have loved you in the past…because if I didn’t, maybe it wouldn’t hurt for the both of us…” I croaked as I gazed into the painting.

I hugged the canvas to my chest as I swayed back and forth, in hopes to comfort the pain tugging my heart.

I returned the canvas back, setting it to the bottom of the box. I drew out the last item, which was a glossy photograph that seemed to be split.

Looking deeply into the picture, I realized that the picture of Jaejoong that I found at the night I got robbed was the missing piece of the photograph. In the picture I was holding, there was only I, Heechul, and another boy who was probably Kangin. A kid I couldn’t remember. I’d proabably cut Jaejoong out since I needed a picture for my wallet. I’ve probably altered the photograph from ten years ago.

We all looked so innocent, especially me. Heechul looked flamboyant as ever, but his face remained youthful as if he’d froze in time. I wasn’t sure about Kangin though.

I put the picture back into the box and closed the box shut.

The journey to my past was now at its end, which left me questioning for the future. What would I do now?

I should probably head home. But then, knowing that Yoochun was still in the street looking for possible prey to pounce upon on feared the hell out of me.

But, there was always tomorrow, right?

I hoisted the box and rose from the floor. Then, I walked to the door and stepped into the hallway.

Progressing further into the hallway, a mix of voices coming from behind a door grabs my attention as I stop in my tracks.

“Where’s the box from the attic? I’ve been trying to look for it everywhere, and it’s not there…” Changmin said.

“I…I showed it to Yunho…” Hyung replied.

“What the hell?! Why the hell would you do that?!!!!”

“Because…because he can’t stay olibvious to it for the rest of his life!!! I’m sick of him crying…of him hurting because he doesn’t remember anything!!”

“ In-Sung!! You know what’s going to happen to Yunho now? I don’t want it to happen to him again…his life was ruined because of that…of that…”

“Kim Jaejoong?” In Sung blurted out.

“Don’t mention his ing name again!! Because of that bastard…Yunho was exempted from military service…because of that bastard…abouji almost disowned him…because of that bastard he fell in love with…he ruined his own life…”

“No matter how much of a bastard you think Kim Jaejoong is…you can’t deny that he changed Yunho for the better…if Kim Jaejoong didn’t come to Yunho’s life…he’d be in rehab because of his past drug addiction! He’d be partying…drinking till dawn…”

“But because of that bastard…our house…everything…”

“Don’t mention it Changmin…the past is the past…I don’t want to remember it again. So it’s best if we keep it shut, okay?”

“You’re telling me to keep us shut? You’re the one who gave the ing box to Yunho!!”

I had to stop this fight. I couldn’t listen to it any longer. Any discord involving my brother was a thing I couldn’t withstand.

“In-Sung…” I said behind the door. “I’m really tired…is it okay if you drive me home?”

“Sure Yunho…” In-Sung said, soon opening the door as it unveiled his face, causing me to gaze up. He closed the door behind him, leaving Changmin alone in the room.  “Let’s go.”

~~

“So…how are you and Jaejoong?”

My eyes stretched out of its sockets as Hyung dropped his question. I shifted in my car seat, repositioning the box on my lap as I mentally prepare myself to answer.

“Um…” I croaked. “You knew…right?”

“Very well.”

“How…how did you figure out?” I asked, moving my gaze to driver’s seat as I obtain the view of my Hyung.

“I got my friend to investigate for me…surprisingly, he’s a sunbae to Jaejoong in the Unviersity they teach in. Ji-sub and Jaejoong are close, so it was easier to gather information about him. And it turns out…you and Jaejoong are living together…” he said.

Why was he so non-chalant about this?

“Was that why you gave me this box?” I asked.

“Yes…I was tired of you moping about how clueless you were about the past…so I had to help out in someway…am I right?”

“Hyung…you’re really strange.”

“Why?” he aske