[CONTENTID2] FINAL RECOVERY JOURNAL 2 [/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID1]

-Chapter Image not Mine-

Jaejoong was going to call me for dinner, and then he caught me listening to the recorder!!

Jaejoongie got really mad at me and took away the recorder away from my hands!! I was listening to one file, and he told me not to touch the recorder ever again. He says if I ever attempt it, I’ll never get to kiss him again.

I don’t know why he’s so protective of that recorder…

But all I remember is punching noises…and Jaejoong’s crying…and then in the file, Jaejoong was going… “Please don’t hurt me!!”

And I somewhat heard Yoochun’s voice…

There could be a possibility that Jaejoong recorded the whole…the whole ual assault thing…but then if he did…

Then why didn’t he send it in as evidence???

Aish…I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to ask Jaejoong about it, but then he’ll get even more mad…

~

-same day-

I’m in the hospital as I write this…

Something happened to Jaejoong’s omma…they were washing dishes…and then I heard a plate fall and Jaejoong’s scream…

Jaejoong’s head is rested on my shoulder while I’m writing this…

An hour ago, Jaejoongie was crying really hard. He blamed himself…saying that it’s his fault for not taking of him omma well enough.

I don’t know why Jaejoong’s been blaming himself…he always blames himself for everything. I want to tell him that nothing is his fault. Not the ual assault, not his mother’s weakness…

But I have been noticing something for the past few weeks…Jaejoong’s mother has lost tremendous amounts of weight. And she’s always stumbling in her steps. She’s been a lot paler too.

At first I thought her detoriating health was because of the whole incident with Jaejoong. But there seems to be something more…

I don’t want to jump to conclusions…but I’m quite worried about Jaejoong’s omma…

~~

October 11h 2006

I didn’t go to school, I just stayed at the hospital with Jaejoong for the whole night…

How strange. Abouji went to the hospital this morning. I thought Jaejoong’s family was too good for him. I thought he was too worthy for them, but I guess not.

Another strange thing happened…Abouji talked to Jaejoong alone in the room.

Jaejoong and I were in his omma’s room, waiting for her to wake up…and then Abouji went inside the hospital room and told me to get out. Not in a rude way…but in a normal, hushed tone. It’s strange because abouji always speaks to me with a harsh voice. He usually yells too. But I guess this is the hospital, so he can’t really cause a scene here. Heh.

So then I got out of the room and decided to walk around the ward for a bit. I got a bit scared though…there was so much weak looking people…suffering people…I pitied them a lot. I even saw a weak looking kid who was on a wheelchair. She was skin and bones, and she had no hair. Just looking at her made me want to cry.

It somehow made me thankful for my healthy body…I guess God is nice to me sometimes…

~

-same day-

Jaejoong told me to go home, I refused to…but then he said…

“Please Yunho…I don’t want you to burden you anymore…”

I don’t know why he thinks he’s a burden to me. Obviously I signed up for this…I wanted this…If he felt pain, I wanted to feel his pain too.

His mother is like a second mother to me. Why couldn’t I stay?

~~

October 13th 2006

Jaejoong went home today. His mom got discharged too.

Abouji is being weirdly nice to his employees. He let Jaejoong’s omma rest…and he also said that Jaejoong’s omma can rest for the rest of the week.

Abouji’s normally not like that. Why did he change all a sudden?

Jaejoong’s showering right now, I’m in his room writing this.

There’s an evelope on Jaejoong’s desk. It was an envelope that he got from the hospital.  I really want to look inside, but…but I already got caught with the recorder…

Speaking of the recorder, I can’t stop thinking about the file I heard. The noises…the voices…it sounded like a fight. Or something more than a fight.

~

-same day-

Jaejoong won’t let me enter his room ever again. He locked the door, and now I’m stuck sleeping in the basement couch

I’m shaking as I write this…Jaejoong is really mad at me. I don’t know why he’s so mad at me. I don’t know why he refuses to open up to me…I know I shouldn’t expect too much of our relationship…but I hate that he keeps secrets from me!!!

I was going to open the big envelope on his desk, and then to my surprise, Jaejoong grabs my shoulder and shoves to the side.

Then his expression changes into something scary…something scary that I kinda flinched.

“Don’t touch it!”

Then I snap at him… “Why…why do you always hide things from me Kim Jaejoong? First the recorder, and now the envelope!!! Why don’t you ever tell me things?!!! Huh?!”

Then he goes… “None of this is your business…you don’t need to know any of this…the envelope, the recorder-you have no right…no right to touch it…”

Anger got the best of me. You want to know why? I was his boyfriend! He was mine, and I was his…why couldn’t he tell me? Why didn’t I have the right to know his problems??? Why wouldn’t he let me touch his thorns??

When he said those words...it hurt my heart so much, it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest.

Then I slam him to the wall… From that point, I’ve turned into a monster…I know…I know it wasn’t the right thing to do. But I hated being deceived, I hated being lied to…

“Jaejoong…tell me…what are you trying to hide from me??”

Then he goes… “Jung Yunho…you’re hurting me!!!! !!!”

I couldn’t believe my very own ears. Jaejoong yelled a swear word…right in front of me…

Then he grabs my wrists and then he pushes me to the ground… “You don’t ing own me…”

Then for some reason…I tear up…maybe it was Jaejoong’s anger…maybe it was Jaejoong’s lack of trust towards me…

Then I go leave the room and slam the door…now I’m in the basement writing this…and I can’t stop crying like a …

~

October 15th, 2006

After that night I decided to go out for a run. You know…to express my frustration and all…

I didn’t drink and I didn’t smoke. Which is progress I guess. Usually when I’m angry, I drank…but somewhat, I feared the pain of a hangover…

I went to the therapist today…they told me my progress is going good. Then they asked me if anything was bothering me, since I kinda made if obvious that I had a problem.

I told them about my frustrations in my relationship…don’t worry, I didn’t say I was in a… ‘gay’ relationship. That would make things crazy.

I said… “Seonsaengnim…what should I do…my…my girlfriend…”

Saying the words ‘girlfriend’ made me shudder. It was a total lie. But I had to save myself.

Then I continued… “My girlfriend doesn’t trust me…I trust her completely…I tell her everything…from what I like, to what I hate…I easily show her my flaws…my scars…but my girlfriend…she’s not the same…”

Then the doctor says something like this…

“It depends on the severity of her secrets, and what type of person she is. If the secret is something she doesn’t want to disclose, she mustn’t be forced. There’s a lot of scars that people want to hide. It’s their choice whether they want to disclose those secrets or not…”

Then I say… “But…but I’m her boyfriend…right? I should…I should have the right to know…”

Then she says… “Give her time Jung Yunho-ssi…maybe as time goes on, she’ll garner the strength to tell you…”

I thought about it for a while…

The doctor was right. I shouldn’t pressure Jaejoong…but it’s killing me…I really want to know what was in that recorder…and why it sounded so gruesome…

Then I thought about something…it’s an old thought, but unfortunately it came to mind again…

If I hadn’t quit Yoochun’s group…if I hadn’t…you know…kissed Jaejoong on that night he rejected me…(you know since I got drunk and stuff)

I could’ve prevented the whole thing from happening.

I know Jaejoong is still hurting. He just hides it with that blank expression of his. He’s too nice for his own good…it hurts…

~

October 166h 2006

I’ve been sleeping on the couch for a couple of days…my back really hurts…I want to go to my room, but I already promised Changmin that I would give him my room for extra storage.

Jaejoong didn’t talk to anyone today. He didn’t even walk with me to school. He took the other route.

Jaejoong sat two desks away from me. Heechul noticed our conflict so then when I asked to go to the bathroom at the middle of class, Heechul followed me. Then when I entered the bathroom, Heechul walks over to me and asks…

“Hey, is there anything wrong with Jaejoong? Why is he acting so emo? Did anything happen between you two? Did you hit his prostate or something??”

Aish! That dirty mind of Heechul’s!

Then I told him… “I did something to him…”

Heechul then goes… “Oh my god…what did you do this time??”

Then I told him about the recorder…and the envelope…

Then he goes… “You know he goes crazy over that recorder!! Why did you listen to the files!!”

Then I go… “Because…because I was curious okay???” Then I tell him how I heard a suspicious sounding audio that contained Yoochun’s voice and Jaejoong’s screams…

Then Heechul goes… “Oh my god…the case was dropped due to lack of evidence…right?”

Then I nod.

Then he goes… “If he had that recorded, then why didn’t he submit it to the police???”

Then I go… “I’m not even sure if it was filmed at the time of the assault…”

Then Heechul goes… “If there’s a screaming Jaejoong and Yoochun’s voice…it’s most likely to be the assault thing!!”

Then I go… “What am I going to do Heechul? About Jaejoong? About the tape thing???”

Then Heechul goes… “Try and apologizing to him…but we can’t just leave the recorder unattended! We need to know what’s in it!!”

Then I go… “How are we gonna get the recorder?”

Then he goes… “Jaejoong’s really good at hiding …I’m not sure…hmmm…”

Then I go… “I can’t even go in his room…”

Then Heechul goes… “Do it when he’s not there…like when he’s out of the house or something…”  

Then I go… “Oh yeah…what a ing good idea!!!!”

Then Heechul flips his hair and does some diva thing I can’t even comprehend…

But as much as I wanted to get the recorder…I wanted to make up with Jaejoong too…I wanted him to trust me…

So then Heechul arranged something…

“I’ll ask Jaejoong to meet me at the rooftop after school. I won’t actually go, but you will go instead of me…so Jaejoong will think that he’s meeting me…”

Then I ask… “What do I do after I meet him??? How am I gonna get him to ing forgive me???”

Then Heechul goes… “Just say some sappy and tell him that you’ll never do it again…you’ll never listen to his recorder again…and don’t try to argue with him okay?? We have to be discreet about this whole recorder thing…if you mention the audio again…he’ll get all mad again…understand Jung Yunho?”

I nod, and then we go back to class.

~~

-same day-

So I went to the rooftop…and Jaejoong was there. My hands are shaking really hard right now at the time I’m writing this…

Jaejoong tried to walk away from me when he saw me…so then I chased him and gave him a backhug.

I told him… “I’m sorry Jaejoong…I’m sorry that I listened to it without your permission…I’m sorry…I’m sorry that I questioned you…I’m sorry that…that I got suspicious of you…”  

Then Jaejoong tried to escape my hug, but then I held him tighter…

“I just want you trust me…I don’t want you keeping secrets from me…”

Then Jaejoong turns around and hugs me from the front…

“I’m sorry Yunho…I…I just couldn’t…I’m sorry…”

Just when I’m about to ask him about the audio…I remembered Heechul’s words…

We have to be discreet about this whole recorder thing…if you mention the audio again…he’ll get all mad again…understand Jung Yunho?

So then I say… “It’s okay Jaejoong…It’s not your fault…you don’t have to tell me anything for me…but…but just trust me…okay? Tell me if your hurting, don’t hide it all in…okay? You promise me that Kim Jaejoong?”

Then Jaejoong holds my face and pecks my lips… “I promise Jung Yunho…”

But the thing is Kim Jaejoong…you’re still hiding things from me...

Someday…I will find that recorder. I’ll open that envelope… I will find the reason why you’re hiding the evidence…But for now…I’ll love you for your thorns…while I dig deep for the