#32/40 – “I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified/Have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?”

SugaKookie

Word Count: 4030

(Okay guys seriously, you can't see my bias showing at all can you?)

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Jungkook had been doing the same thing every night around the same time. It was always right after Yoongi had gotten out of the shower and headed to his room. At first Yoongi didn’t think anything of it. The kid had his own problems and sometimes you just needed time to figure it out yourself. Plus, the first time Jungkook had been in the kitchen, the second time in his own bedroom but the third time was outside of Yoongi’s bedroom door. Upon almost running directly into the kid, Yoongi raised a brow but said nothing more as he moved past Jungkook who walked back to his room a little quicker than one normally would. This time, he was curious but since the kid didn’t say anything he just let it go and continued to get grab a glass of water from the kitchen. On his way back, he hesitated upon passing the maknae’s door but only for half a second. He was sure that Jungkook knew he could come to him when he was ready.

Later that week the guys were piled into their van, Yoongi against the window and Jungkook next to him. He had tried to hang back and be the last one in but Jimin had forgot to grab his phone and apparently that was more important than getting to the recording on time. This forced Jungkook to sit next to his hyung so that way when Jimin came back he could just hop in and they could leave. The elder wouldn’t have noticed anything but as soon as their thighs touched, Jungkook pulled his away. He didn’t notice this the first time but the second time he glanced over. His eyes roamed over the brunettes face, contemplating if he should ask if the kid was okay. If it hadn’t been for that nervous face that Jungkook always made in any situation where he wasn’t comfortable, his bottom lip pulled in and eyes staring so hard straight ahead it wasn’t very natural at all. Leaning over, Yoongi’s shoulder pressed against Jungkook’s, warm breath ghosting across his neck. “Jungkookie, is everything okay?” The nickname would have been enough to make the younger smile if it wasn’t for the fact that he was trying to suppress a shiver down his spine. Nodding stiffly, he hoped that was enough to appease his hyung. Yoongi continued to stare at him, studying his expression and if he really believed the younger. Sitting straight up again, he cleared his throat, “You know you can tell me whenever.” He said before turning his face back towards the window. The younger muttered, “Yes, hyung.” Right as the whirlwind that was Park Jimin hopped into the seat slamming his body into the younger while apologizing very loudly and promising to kiss it better.

Keeping an eye on the younger through their schedule that day as well as the next few days had suddenly consumed a good majority of Yoongi’s thoughts. At first he had just thought the kid was having some weird puberty issues. Sure, Jungkook had his coming of age day already but he was still growing regardless. Males didn’t stop growing until into their 20s and Jungkook still had a bit to go. The more he paid attention though, the more he realized he was actually being ignored. It was actually a little frustrating. So, frustrating in fact that he had managed to write three songs about being ignored. He didn’t really think they were any good but that was beside the point. Considering he had already verbalized once more that if the maknae needed to talk that he could come to him whenever, Yoongi just tried to let it all go. It was back to his lyrics, producing, sleeping in spurts when he could and just doing the work. Sure he conversed with the guys and made a ruckus from time to time with them but there was still quite a bit of the album he had to work on and that truly came first.

Jungkook didn’t know what to do with himself. It was growing harder and harder to be around Yoongi hyung. Until a week ago they had been practically inseparable. Yes, he still appeared to be around Jimin and Taehyung often when on camera but what the camera didn’t pick up was how close Yoongi actually was. He was always around and more times than not Jungkook was right by his side talking about various things. They had gone to eat lamb skewers three times in that one week just the two of them. Jungkook had stayed up much later than he should to work on songs with Yoongi and well to be taught more as well. He had his camera with him often and forced the elder to be his model but on the condition that he would only take candid pictures so that way Yoongi wouldn’t actually have to expend more energy than he needed in his daily life already. Spending time with Yoongi hyung was something that he enjoyed. Unlike Taehyung, Jimin and Hoseok who he did love dearly, hyung wasn’t loud. You could really sit and have a conversation with him. He may be strict but that was when it came to work, he kept you focused and on point but wasn’t a total stick in the mud that he couldn’t laugh during it as well. He was quiet and shy about some things that made Jungkook laugh but one of the best things about Yoongi hyung was if you didn’t want to talk you didn’t have to. There was no precious, the silence was comfortable and had a warmth about it that he couldn’t find with any of the other members.

So what had happened to their relaxed atmosphere?!

The maknae really wish he knew what had changed or when it had changed. However, he didn’t. At first coming into the group he greatly admired and looked up to Suga hyung, who then became Yoongi hyung who was a good brother. The good brother over the years turned into a mutual friend and now…well, now Jungkook was scared of a lot of things. He hadn’t realized that throughout their entire relationship he had always wanted more and more and more. Now, his wanting more had reached an all-time high and he understood on another level why it was that Yoongi was the only one who could wear his clothes, specifically his underwear and he didn’t get the least bit annoyed. Sharing clothes wasn’t something he did and he had gotten better about it over the years but it still irked him. With Yoongi hyung that was irrelevant however he still liked to tease his hyung about it because it was fun. He understood more why it bothered him so much more when he disappointed the hyungs, especially Yoongi. He understood why when Yoongi would watch him from time to time whether at dance practice or during an interview that it made a warmth spread throughout his entire being. Just a smile would brighten his day and just a simple pat on the back made him feel a million times better regardless of the time and place. In the beginning it was hard to accept but accepting the inevitable was a fact a life. That made things easier and his life a lot happier. No one really seemed to notice, they just thought he was coming out of his brooding teenager years. Except, things weren’t staying the same. No, they had gotten worse. So much worse that he was sneaking into Yoongi’s bed, not just because he was too lazy to move his clothes off of his bed so he could get into it. No, he was doing it to be closer to Yoongi. To hopefully get to sleep next to his hyung that he knew he shouldn’t be having more than a brotherly affection for. It had morphed into a monster that was consuming him in such a way that he caught himself touching his hyung’s hair and casually rubbing his back or leaning his own head on Yoongi’s shoulder not because he was tired but just because he wanted to. He was leaving some of the elders favorite snacks and drinks in his studio when he knew the elder would be working late if he even came home at all. Jungkook persuaded Yoongi with aegyo to go more often just the two of them for lamb skewers. It was one of the best excuses ever. It also led to that silly dream of opening a lamb skewer stall with his hyung and made him smile from ear to ear that Yoongi was playing along with him even if he knew it was all just to humor the boy.

An affection was what he liked to call it. Or what he wanted to call it. Things had escalated and he knew in the back of his mind that they would but cute fluffy feelings had turned into much darker desires. Ones, he caught himself thinking about at the most inappropriate of times. His hyung was only making it worse. Sure, all the guys had basically had an impromptu class on how to drink their water while in the public view as for some silly reason the fans would scream over it. Jungkook had never understood that until he saw Yoongi drink from his water bottle after dance practice a few weeks ago. It was like being hit square in the gut, the intensity of what he felt from just that simple act, a little water escaping from his lips down his chin as the elder was so thirsty he was just gulping it down. Nope, Jungkook completely understood just how this affected the fans. He felt their pain and more. At least the fans didn’t have to live with the other members. He did and the longer the days dragged on the worse it got. If he wasn’t secretly watching Yoongi beneath his lashes, then he was thinking about Yoongi beneath his lashes. Which was why things had been so strained between them for the last week. He wanted some distance. Thinking distance would help. Unfortunately the world was against him and distance was harder for him to get than he would have liked. Not only that but the days he did achieve distance it wasn’t as if it made him breathe any easier. In fact, it just made him miss his hyung even more. It made him miss the way, Yoongi would give him an evil eye for teasing the elder about a mistake he had made on stage earlier. He missed the way Yoongi’s eyes would furrow in concentration while he was hunched over his computer working on a song. He missed the way the elders shoulders would relax at his touch instead of tense like they did when the other members would touch him. He missed the way his hyung’s laugh sounded in his ears whether he was right next to him or across the room. He missed smacking Yoongi’s hand when he would bite on his left thumb and fingernails. It was a horrible habit and he had been trying to help the other to quit. He missed how when he was being teased by the other members, Yoongi would stick up for him in the subtlest of ways but he knew. Okay, so he just missed Yoongi.

This was bad. This was very bad. This was the exact reason he had been pacing for three days inside the dorm. It had been his idea to just tell Yoongi about his feelings but thinking and doing were two very different things. Whenever he stood up to go do so it was always right after the elders shower because that was the easiest time to catch him. Except he continued to fail and part of that frustrated him while part of that made him relieved. That knot of nervous energy still remained and seemed to get worse each day. He couldn’t look at Yoongi without fear that he’d just blurt out the words he had practiced over and over again. Jungkook was sure that his hyung was beginning to notice but he didn’t know what to do about it. Then it stopped. Yoongi stopped paying attention to him. He stopped giving him worried looks or asking him what’s wrong, he stopped walking alongside him and talking with him after filming or practice. A knife had just been shoved into his side and the worst thing was that it was so completely and utterly innocent and unintentional he couldn’t even be upset. Now, he really was at a loss for what to do.

Three more days passed and he was moping about. The quiet shy Jungkook they had all met in the very beginning of rooming together had appeared. Except it wasn’t shy, just quiet. He didn’t spend much time with his hyungs after dinner but retreated to his room. Had his earphones on almost all day long when he was able to do so. Laughing and joking was dropped to the bare minimum and speaking wasn’t much better. The others shared worried looks and tried to ask him about it but he’d just wave it away. The only one who didn’t was Min Yoongi and that just twisted the knife a little more.

Staying behind in the practice room at BigHit, Jungkook sweat through his white t-shirt until it clung to his entire body. There was beads of sweat trailing down his face so bad that he had to stop and grab a towel so he could actually see properly. He had run through their newest choreography about ten times straight with barely a stop for any water. It was what he liked to do when he wanted to stop thinking. He worked his body to the limit and in the midst of that forgot all his worries. It also felt great. He loved the way his body felt when he strained his muscles to the limits, felt the burn and enjoyed the soreness but didn’t actually overdo it. No, he was careful about that. Packing up his things, he wiped off as much of the sweat as he could before closing the practice room down. Walking down the halls it didn’t even phase him when he found himself outside of Namjoon, Hoseok and Yoongi’s studio. Jungkook hesitated but decided to just peek inside. It was one of those why not moments, you’re not really sure what you’re doing but go with it anyway. It shouldn’t have surprised him that Yoongi was sitting on his chair, staring at the screen in front of him, tapping his finger on the desk as he tried to figure out what was missing from whatever song he was working on. Standing there he stared at his hyung, it was odd how nice it was just to look at him from behind. He hadn’t done this in a while, by this, he meant actually look directly at Yoongi. The rapper had his new favorite grey beanie on, ears poking out as the beanie pressed down on them, shoulders hunched as he always had horrible posture when he had been working on things for hours.

“If you’re going to stare that hard then come in.” A tired, raspy voice from not speaking a word to anyone in hours ran through Jungkook’s ears. It surprised him and he jumped slightly, he stepped inside and shut the door behind him. Yoongi didn’t turn around but Jungkook didn’t expect him to. Walking further into the room, Jungkook took a seat on the couch and continued to gaze at his hyung. The silence as always was comfortable and Yoongi finished up where his thoughts had been before being interrupted before turning around in his chair to look at the maknae behind him. “What’s up, kid?” He cringed, kid, he would have to use that word. It shouldn’t bother Jungkook, he had been called that for years which was why it was such a habit but it still bothered him. He didn’t want to be seen as a kid, especially not from the man in front of him. Keeping his expression blank, he shrugged, “Just finished practicing choreo.” Jungkook kept it simple as he wasn’t sure what to say now that was in the den. The beanie clad grey haired, grandpa, as the guys were teasing him rolled his chair even closer to Jungkook before he placed his hand on the others knee.

Stiff. Jungkook tensed much too hard and much too fast at such a simple everyday motion. This was not unusual for any of the boys to do to any one of them. Yet for him, it held a whole new connotation that he willed his heart to get over. Unfortunately, it wasn’t listening to him, in fact it had started beating even faster. Letting out a breath slowly and discreetly, Jungkook raised his eyes back from the hand on his knee up to Yoongi only to look away a few seconds later. “You’ve been really quiet lately.” Yoongi, was really good at asking things without asking directly so as to not make the other person feel like he was prying. Giving the other an out if they didn’t want to speak about it just yet. It was one of the things that Jungkook really liked about his hyung. It was always so easy to talk to him. Well, it used to be. Biting his lip, he nodded keeping quiet while praying that his heart only sounded loud to himself. Yoongi leaned in further, so that he could attempt to make Jungkook look at him. He just wanted visual confirmation that Jungkook was really alright.

Squirming back, Yoongi’s hand slipped off of Jungkook’s knee and it wasn’t unnoticed. His eyes softening, the blonde began to nod and lean back in his seat. That was it, Yoongi was going to let it go and oddly that didn’t make Jungkook feel any better. It actually made him feel worse. His chest tightened because it was as if he was losing his chance to tell the other what was really going on. Even though he knew that would never be the case, Yoongi would still listen he still felt like something was slipping away and really would be gone forever.

“I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.” It came out in such a rush that Jungkook couldn’t even take offense to watching Yoongi blink repeatedly in an attempt to comprehend what was just blurted out in his face. Without realizing it, he was holding his breath, waiting for his hyung to respond. When he did, Jungkook was confused. “Have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?”

It shouldn’t be so surprising as it was but there was Yoongi’s small but beautiful smile shining almost directly at Jungkook. Almost directly, because the elder was looking in front of him but slightly down. Raising his eyes slowly up to meet Jungkook’s he chuckled. “Is that all?” The shock was fading from his face and the mop of brown hair filled Yoongi’s line of vision as the other looked down at his hands in his lap. “Uh…yeah.” Now he was embarrassed, his hyung hadn’t even flinched but was laughing at him, at his confession and he really just felt silly for even saying anything. The longer he sat there the more annoyed he got over Yoongi’s reaction. He wasn’t sure what he expected but that wasn’t it.

Raising his head once more he steeled his eyes and let out another outburst. “Is there supposed to be more?! Isn’t it bad enough I can’t even sit next to you anymore let alone talk to your normally or even sleep properly. Do you really need anything more? It could ruin everything or nothing or just me. Definitely me.” Rubbing his hand over his face, he slid between the open space to stand up. He needed air and there was not nearly enough of it in this studio with the object of his affection.

Jungkook didn’t get far as a tug on his wrist stopped him. Yoongi’s long fingers were wrapped around him firmly. He didn’t turn around but that didn’t bother the elder. “Jungkook-ah-“ He let out a sigh at hearing his name being called by that deep voice with affection, he wasn’t being delusional it was affection but there had always been affection. Brotherly affection or the kind that Yoongi liked to say on the radio shows, his son. That made him cringe. Yoongi tugged on his hand harder now, but Jungkook still refused to turn around. He was terrified like he said, terrified of seeing the rejection in Yoongi’s face, the look in his eye as he tried to let the maknae down easy. He was terrified of his own feelings if they were really true and what to do about them and even worse if they were reciprocated. How was that even supposed to work? They lived in a dorm with five other people in very close quarters someone was bound to notice something at some point and it could jeopardize the entire group. Why was he even letting his mind get that far? It’s not like things would really go there. He knew better than that.

“Look at me, Jungkook-ah.” His voice was soft and soothing and Jungkook’s heart was melting but he didn’t want it to. “C-can you not call me that.” He asked with a stutter that he couldn’t avoid. His hand was freed a moment later, slightly swaying by his side and Jungkook felt relief. This could be over. He could walk out the studio door and just forget it even happened. As he raised his foot to take a step, he placed it back down. Yoongi had stood up and moved in front of him, blocking his escape. Hands that looked like they would be manly and rough but were beyond soft because they were idols after all.

Yoongi brought his face up towards his, unless the other closed their eyes there was no way he could look away. “Would it be wrong if I wanted more?” The question hung in the air between them. Yoongi waiting patiently for the realization of what he said to hit the one in front of him. “Hyung…” As much as Jungkook wanted to believe the connotation of what was just asked to him was what he wanted it to be it was hard. So, he didn’t say anything more just stared into those dark orbs across from him and searched for unspoken answers.

Eyes slinking down towards thin pink soft lips, Yoongi tilted his head to the side as he leaned in and brushed his own very possibly dry lips to Jungkook’s. The kiss was one of hesitant exploration. It was chaste and sweet but wary. Yoongi felt like the other would head for the hills if any small movement startled him but he also wanted to confirm to Jungkook that he was serious about his words even if he hadn’t directly said it. Feelings had never been easy for Yoongi and even with someone he felt close to it was still difficult.

“Don’t be scared Jungkook-ah. I’m right here.” Letting go of the brunette’s cheek, Yoongi’s hand slipped down to find Jungkook’s and hold it in his own. If Jungkook thought his chest was previously pounding away crazily then he very clearly didn’t understand just how fast it could go. His eyes were wide while adrenaline pumped through his veins, emotions all askew and the feeling of happiness radiating from the shine in his eyes. Perhaps, he wasn’t terrified of all the things he thought he was but perhaps he was terrified of going through it alone. Just a few words had soothed him so completely, the power the other had over him was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. The only problem now it was even more intoxicating than before.