There are times when all you have to do is listen, times to be overly considerate, and times to accept reality and just hope for things to fall into its right places.

“Jiyong!” I screamed his name to get his attention. He didn’t stop nor look at my direction. He is rushing to the door. Good thing, I was able to catch up to him. I grabbed him by the arm and tightened my grip to it.

He tugged his arm away, “Let go”

I am in great disbelief how this day is turning out to be, to think that it’s only been our second day back. I was really looking forward to bonding more with the family over meals and endless stories to fill me in through the years during my absence. But no, it seems like it’s going to end with me crying myself to sleep, thinking of my stupid actions.

Little by little, regret is building up inside me. Maybe I should re-think my decision of coming back. We just got here after all, going back to Chicago will not be hard for the kids and I are, for we’re not fully settled yet.

With a sigh, “Will you listen to me first?” Emotions are mixing up inside me. Tears started coming, as much as I want to keep them in I cannot anymore.

Jiyong looked at me, “Great! You’re crying!” he ruffled his hair in annoyance. He hates seeing me cry. Ever since we were kids whenever he feels like I’m about to cry, he will do crazy things just to flip the situation. According to him, my tears are his weakness. They’re like thorns stabbing his heart.

We are facing each other in the living room. I’m staring at him while he cannot even meet my eyes. If this conversation heats up and there’s screaming and cursing, from where we are, the kids will definitely hear everything, which I’m praying hard not to happen. Though we are not the type who exchange sharp words and completely fight, there’s still a possibility of it happening.

Reaching for his arm again, “Listen to what I have to say…please!” I begged, my voice almost air already.

Finally, he looked at me with sharp eyes in anger.

Another impressive trait of Jiyong is his ability to listen in any circumstances. He will give you time to explain, once he finds it lacking, that’s the time he’ll slam you, but when he’s satisfied, you’ll never hear a word from him and after a while he’ll act as if nothing happened.

With him sitting on the single couch, and me on the loveseat opposite his, I take a deep breath and exhaled slowly, releasing tiny bits of emotions and pent-up nerves.

“Jiyongie…”

Before I can even say anything, he cuts me off, “What do you think our relationship is now?” he asked, tensed.

I lost every word I composed beforehand in my head for him. I just stared at him while trying hard to retrieve a few of what I’ve perfectly thought of. “We…”

Areumie, please…make this conversation worth it for the both you!

“We haven’t really talked about US…” I pointed at him and me. “We are in the most complicated relationship ever” I started. Honesty is the most important, and I’m all for it. “I’m going to be honest with you Jiyongie…I don’t know if we’re completely okay now” this statement shocked him, his face tells it all. “I mean…I’m sure deep inside you there’s still hate for me. You may have forgiven me, but not yet fully and I don’t take it against you, for what I did to you is unforgivable”. Fresh tears rolled down my cheeks and he looked away upon seeing them.

It’s been what? Weeks already since he found us but we haven’t talked about our relationship yet. What we are. What we will be in the future. It may look as if it’s not as important for we are clear about our feelings towards each other. Thing is, our situation is too twisted, too difficult to decipher. One way or another we have to know where we stand as of the moment, so that there won’t be any confusion and lines to cross over with.

After a long silence, Jiyong looked at me as if all that I said was a lame joke. “Areumie…out of all people you are the only one who can read me so well. Do I really look like I am still keeping a grudge? Is working my off to get you here…risking everything...looks like I hate you?” he hissed, “If I still have bad blood you won’t be here” he’s pointing a finger at me, which is not normal of him “If I hate you…the last thing I want to be at is here in front of you” his eyes are pooling in tears “What are you thinking? I’m just pretending to be good to you just so I can get close to my children, huh?”

I didn’t reply.

“Just to be clear…I’m not acting just for my children”

To my surprise, he started crying as well, and for the first time in a long time, I felt pain seeing him in shambles. In every drop of his tears, my heart hurt. I feel stupid doubting him.

“I love you too much to hate you, you know” he said with all sincerity.

What did I do right to have such a good man like him? Every word he said I felt strongly in my body, heart and even soul. It made my heart leap, my stomach filled with butterflies.

Then he cleared his throat and wiped his tears with his fingers, “Is it true? You’re not going to marry me even after my divorce?” his voice is chilly all of a sudden.

Sobbing, “You don’t understand…”

To my shock, he slammed his hand on the center table. I was afraid for a minute that its glass will break, fortunately it didn’t. “Tell me! Make me understand!” he shouted at me, making me flinch. Upon seeing me trembling, he groaned and got up. He pulled his hair in frustration and paced back and forth in the room. Jiyong is calming himself down, while I gather my thoughts.

I have to choose the right words to say or else it’ll cause a bigger misunderstanding. I’m not good with words, you all know that, Jiyong himself knows it too. But for once, I need to talk well, so that I can relay what’s in my head and heart.

“God knows how bad I want to marry you” I’m washed out by new set of emotions as I carefully release my words, “Thing is…it’s not a good idea to rub it on Lena’s face. You know her. You have to remember that she has the key to your freedom. If you’re going to trigger her more…bringing her to the edge….she might make things more complicated than you expect it to be”. There you go, my thoughts are coming together and as I hear them, I’m satisfied, I hope he gets me. “Also…I don’t think we can easily get married right after your divorce”. Upon hearing this, he gave me a questioning look, “All because it won’t look right”

He walked in front of me, hands on his waist, “Why is that?” he asked innocently.

I sighed, “People might think you cheated on her for me. That the reasons you gave to divorce her are just for front, all false…only made to make you look good and make her look bad. People will talk and dig in. They will dip their noses in our business…make false accusations…stories…and assumptions…that will surely come out as facts thru the media” I paused. I feel nauseous all of a sudden. “Yes…we can slam it as it comes…but we can only do enough” I continued “You might not care…but truthfully speaking Jiyongie…you should care” I got up, standing in front him. While holding his hands, “You’ve got kids now. You have to think twice before diving in. If taking a risk before is easy for you…now…you have to consider them before doing so”

As Parents, we have to keep our images/names clean for our children. We have to be careful of our actions, because one wrong move can ruin us to them, especially Jiyong who can easily be thrashed given how fast news can get and how badly opinionated people are using the internet, hiding from fake names and identities, no matter how well our children know us, the way they see us may easily be changed because of it.

“More than anything…even our relationship…our children has to come first” I softly squeezed his hands, “Their well-being is the most important. We have to make sure that they’re covered and protected at all cost. There’s no way I’m going to let them be feasted on” I am releasing fresh tears once again, my eyes are beginning to hurt already “Yes…a small part of them will have to be public but that’s just it…I will not let their privacy be taken away from them. Also…” Jiyong cupped my face and wiped my tears with his thumbs, “I don’t want them to grow up feeling the pressure of being G-dragon’s children. You have to promise me Jiyongie…that they will be as normal as can be in your world. It’s not going to be easy…but let’s work hard for it. Please”. I can beg all day for my children’s sake.

When it comes to Ethan and Emma, I become a softee, not even a feathered pillow can compete. For some time now, I’ve been wanting to talk about my wishes and expectations to Jiyong now that we’re already back home. As we all know, his world is too tricky to tackle solely. Not even them who have been in it for so long can drive thru its path smoothly, what more our young kids? I’m sure they’ll be confused and overwhelmed after some time. All I’m praying is for their Father’s world to not change how they see the real world and the people in it.

As much as I want to “go with the flow”, I don’t think it’s fitting given our current situation. Right now until I don’t know when, we are G-dragon’s well-kept secret, his unofficial family.

Then again, things will not be any lighter even after his divorce. Of course, people will end up with countless opinions about us. Honestly, I’m expecting for my name to be dragged into mud in which I don’t care as much. My only concern is our children. As long as the media and some good-for-nothing-opinionated-people leave them alone, I’m good being in the bad side of things.

It seems to me that all these craziness are just sinking in to Jiyong. He might have thought he has figured everything out but unfortunately, there are still a lot left to handle. I’m not taking it against him though, for he’s at the point in his life where he got a heavier load on his shoulder, that no matter how good he is in carrying everything, he can still slip out at times.

He pulled me to him for a hug, “I’ll do everything to keep you and the kids away from my world” his arms tightened around my body as I keep my face buried on the crook of his neck, “As long as you’re here with me…there’s nothing I will not do to make this family work as peaceful and private as can be”

Trusting him with every bit of my being, “We are a team Jiyongie” I cupped his face and a smile sweetly appeared on his face, “You can count on me…always”

He planted a kiss on my forehead, making my innards flip. I’m probably blushing like a teenager. “You’ll marry me still?”

I giggled and playfully pinched his nose. He cutely scrunched it, and once again, I blushed “In time… I will”. And it’s my time to hug him tightly.

“Aigoo…” he sighed.

The moment I pulled out, “Until then…let’s try to master the art of parenting first”

It made him laugh, “You have to teach me things you know”

“Alright!” I clapped my hands, surprising him “First task…” I playfully raised my eyebrow “Think of a good and effective way to make bath time easier” I told him, receiving a confused look from him “I’m telling you Jiyongie…Emma is quite a warrior when it comes to baths”, and he breaks out in laughter.

“Just like her Mother” he teased and walked to the bedroom where our kids are.

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