Love comes with sacrifice. It’s not always butterflies and rainbows, be prepared for rough roads and storms too.

Screw jetlag. The kids and I were up the whole night. It’s not as bad though because I was able to unpack our things and clean the unit for when we arrived, it’s spotless, four hours in and the kids have made a mess on the living room floor as well as their rooms already.  They helped me tidy up which is home rule number one – clean up after yourselves. And then there was a moment when the three of us in Ethan’s room, were just lying on the carpet, looking up at the well-painted ceiling, reminiscing our life in Chicago.

                “How do you feel being here?” I asked.

Emma, whose head is resting on my stomach turned to look at me, “Honestly Mom, I still badly miss everything back home”. Ethan, who is lying beside me lifted his head up then nodded, “I miss the park. Our house. Maddy and Caden. Aunt Cara…even Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. I miss them all!”

This is making my heart hurt. I feel like I pulled my children out of their perfect place and put them in an unfamiliar place where they have no clue on what’s ahead.

I pulled my son closer to me and my daughter’s cheek, “I miss them too kids” I said with a faint smile on my face. “But…Seoul isn’t bad, right?” I made my voice livelier, hoping it can uplift their spirit. Emma sighed, “Yeah Mom…not bad”. I failed. It seems like no matter how hard I try to lighten their feelings, it’s not going to work. “I enjoyed having Harabeoji, Halmeoni Aunt Dami and of course, Daddy here Mom. You’re right, they are a fun bunch” Ethan followed up, making me smile. I hugged him tight, “They are, right? If only you can remember all the fun things you do with them when you were still a baby” I cannot help but reminisce about the past. The way the whole family teamed up to raise baby Yong. Our bond got tighter when he came. Sometimes I wonder what our life will be like if I didn’t run away?

 “Mom…” Emma wriggled her way close to me “How are we going to school now? Do we need to ride a plane just to attend class in Chicago then get on a plane again to go back here?” This made me laugh, “No sweetie” I pulled her closer to me and she wrapped her arm around my waist, “According to Aunt Dami, she already found a good new school for you and Ethan”. Curious, Ethan propped up, “I am afraid to go to school now Mom”. This alarmed me. My son has never been afraid to go to school. Back in Chicago, he always tells me he loves school as much as he loves playing in the park. “Superman…I know how you feel…but…trust Mom…your new school is going to be as fun as the old one, maybe more”. “But…” it’s so clear in his eyes that he’s bothered, “I don’t have friends there. Who will I play with?”

How am I going to assure him that everything’s going to be fine when I, myself have doubts?

“You’ll be fine” is all I was able to say and then I hugged them, “We are going to be fine” I whispered, kissing their temples, “We’re going to be just fine”.

I know the kids need time to adjust, I do too. All these changes will soon look and feel normal to us too. What matters is we are with our family already. We’re finally home.

I woke up mid-afternoon by the sound of my phone ringing. Feeling heavy and with a headache, I crawled to the side table to answer the call. “Hmm…” I know instantly who my caller is. Jiyong. He and Dami Unnie are the only ones who know my new number. He chuckled, “Yaaa…you missed a good morning” he said, making me hiss. “Jetlag got us good. I’m telling you Jiyong, my head is pounding as we speak. I’m dying to get over this and go on normally already”. He sighed, “Aigoo…I’ll be there in a few hours. I’m about to go there this morning but wasn’t able to when Lena begged me to accompany her to a photoshoot. Apparently…she’s going to be featured in a magazine as an upcoming actress”

Cool. The girl’s getting what she wants, including Jiyong’s time. You see, I don’t have to use my brain that much to think that she’s going to do everything just for him to have lesser time with us. I know how she works.

“You’re not afraid to be in one car with her after what she did last night?” I asked and he smirked. What Lena did last night on their way home is so stupid. Who in the right mind will snatch the steering wheel in the middle of a drive?

“Funny…but I told her to seat behind in case she gets crazy again” Jiyong laughed, making me laugh as well. “Are you serious?” I asked. This is hilarious! He catches his breath, “Yeah. It’s my condition. I won’t go with her if she’s going to seat beside me in the car. She didn’t even complain”

Our conversation was interrupted by the kids (yet again). They slept in their own rooms which is a total shock to me, and came running to my room the moment they wake up. Hearing their voices, Jiyong excitedly asked for them, brushing me aside.

“I’ll put in speaker” I told him and next thing I know it, we are gathered around the phone like it’s bonfire in camp. “Thank you so much for the game console Daddy!” Ethan is in such a good mood, that it brightened mine as well. “All good Superman…all good” Jiyong replied, “Remember the rules…alright?” he really sounds like a Father. It makes him ier in my eyes. “Yes Daddy! I will not forget them” our son said and l looked at him in satisfaction. “Daddy!” Emma butts in “I got the coolest room of all!” her voice is too high for my jetlagged soul. It made Jiyong laugh, “Did you sleep in it already?” he asked, earning a nod from our little girl, “Yes! At first I was afraid but Mom stayed with me until I fell asleep. Ethan is not afraid though, he was so brave!” Hearing a compliment from his sister, Ethan looked at her and pats her shoulder. “Einstein” Jiyong called and the kids for some reason, started squealing like teenagers. “What’s with the yiiiii?” I asked them. Laughing, Emma leaned towards me, “You’re lovey dovey again” she teased. “It’s my first time hearing you say lovey dovey” I told her and she just giggled.

This is such a sweet sight. With Jiyong on the other line, the kids and I are sharing the phone, talking to him, happily teasing each other. In these moments I feel like we’re a real family, without a Lena.

We hanged up after an hour. My day is starting late and the things I must do is so long. First, I have to feed my hungry cubs. We agreed to egg rice and leftover bulgogi in the fridge that is full of food and drinks. The pantry is full as well. Omma and Dami Unnie really made sure that we’re not going to go hungry for months.

“This is kimchi” it’s time to introduce Korean food to the kids. I put small portions on their plates and waited until they put it in their mouths. As expected, I got different reactions. Ethan loves it, while Emma finds it weird. “I’m saying pass for the meantime” she emptied her glass, washing off the taste, “It’s too strong for a little girl like me”. I laughed at her. “Little girls eat that here you know” I said and her eyes go big “As a matter of fact, some can even eat that without rice at all”. I admit, as a little girl, I’m not fond of Kimchi as well. It’s always Jiyong who eats my portions, ending with me being scolded by my Omma.

After our late lunch, I took the kids out to the playground in front of our building. Unlike the park in front of our house in Chicago, there are not much people around. As a matter of fact, the kids have the place all to themselves , “Have you played here Mom?” Ethan asked while swinging. I shake my head, “No. I actually never get to go here at all ever since I moved in years ago. Mom just does not have time for it” I answered. I remember, before, I don’t even have time to eat for I’m too occupied.

So used being outdoors, I didn’t have any problems with the kids. They play really well and know the rules when out of the house. 1. Always stay together. 2. No talking to strangers. 3. No crossing the street. 4. No fighting.

“There you are!” Jiyong just arrived dressed comfortably in black sweat pants, loose grey shirt and red slippers. He smiled and sat beside me on the bench with a good view of the monkey bars where the kids are hanging wildly. “Aigoo…” he watched them intently “We better buy them a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads”. I laughed at him, “Jiyong…aren’t you being so protective?” He hissed, “I’m just being cautious. What do we know? They might lose grip and fall. See the ground?” he pointed at it, “It may look soft and harmless, but it can bruise or worse…break a bone”. And I rolled my eyes at him.

Parent tip from Mom Areumie: It’s not bad to be protective, but don’t overdo it. Yes, giving your children safety helmets and pads are going to keep them out of possible accidents, but it’s not bad to make them feel hurt while playing as well. We’ve been kids too, we were bruised and scratched once or twice from playing, and we survived, trust me, our children will too.

“So…how’s your day going so far?” I faced him, trying to test myself if I can still read him just by looking at his face. By the way it looks I can say he’s having a so-so day. He sighed, “After Lena’s photoshoot, I went to YGE to see how our music video is going”. I’m telling you, I am excited for Big Bang’s comeback. It’s been so long. “It’s doing pretty good. You know me, I see the bad than the good sometimes…I called for an emergency meeting just to have another run-through of our concept and stuff”.

I can only imagine what’s going on in his mind. Fear and worry is definitely dominating him right now, especially when a lot has changed in the system of the industry, unlike before when they have mastered its ins and outs. Now, it’s like going back to square one.

I pat his back, “You guys got this!” I hope I’m doing a good job consoling and assuring him. He pulled out a smile that relieved me, “Yeah we can” he smiled wider this time, “The boys and I have been to hell and back, there’s no damn way we cannot get through this. We’ll shake things up the way we used to and more, like it’s 2007 all over again”

That’s more like it! You see, confidence is the key to everything. All you’ve got to do is believe and you’ll go places.

I love this me and him time. Yeah, I love it when we’re with the kids, but there are moments when I just want peace and quiet with him. “The ring…” I thought about this for hours since I knew of it and I still cannot get a grip. Jiyong turned and stared at me, “What about it?” he asked after a while. Feeling a little awkward, I cleared my throat and shifted in my seat, “Nothing…” why do I feel nervous? “It’s just that….I never thought such surprise is waiting for me…at least not this early…and with our situation still messy”. I got to be honest, having that ring made me wish I didn’t know of it, not yet. Why? Because it makes me anticipate that day when I finally have it on my finger, drag is, I’m not even sure if that day will come. He reached for my hands and holds it tight, “Want to know a secret?” I wonder what it is now. “Shoot!” I replied the way I used to reply whenever he asks me if I want to know a secret and it made him giggle. “Ok” he takes a breath and exhaled slowly, “That ring has been with me for close to eight years already”.

Really?

“What?” I am in shock.

Okay. Analyze this with me.

The ring has been with him for eight years now, meaning, he has it even before Lena came into our lives. We weren’t even a thing back then.

With this in mind, “Eight?” I raised an eyebrow “But…we’re not together that time yet. As far as I can remember, you’re with…” and he cupped my mouth with his hand, stopping me from saying his ex’s name. Like my daughter, I stick out my tongue for him to remove his hand away. I laughed, “Jiyong, it’s been a long time since you guys broke up. Why don’t you want to hear her name still?” Blame my curiosity for killing the vibe, but I really wanted to know. He sighed, “I just don’t feel like it”, and so I dropped it.

He looked away and fiddled with his fingers, “Yes, during that time we’re not even considering being romantically inclined” he turned to me and playfully raised his eyebrows, making me giggle, “Correction…we don’t even want to be linked to each other. It gives us goosebumps” I told him for a fact and he nodded in agreement. “I saw that ring one day in Paris. For some magical reason, I instantly thought of you. Call me weird, but I pictured proposing to you and I can clearly recall how good it feels, how beautiful it looks. That’s when I bought it, thinking that if things don’t go right for you in the dating department, I’ll give you a husband…” he pointed at himself, “Me” he said and I laughed. “Well…” I sighed, “I did exponentially bad in dating”. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I got a zero score in dating. From Blake, my first boyfriend, to the many flings I had before I met Hyun shik, to Jiyong then Aden, I’ve got a good number of men but I’m still without a husband.

“Yah!” he playfully pushed me, “Your dating life is traumatic even to me”. I laughed so hard, “To think you’re one of them”. “I mean…you desperately looked for that one guy who you want to refer as your One Great Love only to end up with guys who either play you or do foolish things to you” this is when he became serious “I made a fool out of you. I am in no right to deny it.  It’s so stupid of me to get married without thinking…knowing that I have you waiting for me….” his eyes are starting to well up “I cannot help but to hate myself sometimes. If only I can bring back the past, I will not dare to play around. You don’t deserve this Einstein…” and Kwon Jiyong is crying, “All you want is a happy relationship. A man who can stand up for you, who will hold your hand and tell you how wonderful you are. But what? You’re here with a man who cannot even give you the stability you deserve”

How did we reach to this? Aren’t we just teasing each other a while ago?

Feeling bad for him, for me, for what we’ve become, all I can do is hug him. Yes, I kissed too many frogs to find my One Great Love just to share him with someone who isn’t even fit to be my competition, but I will not have it any other way.  “I’ll go through all this again with you, you know” I am getting emotional as well, “Don’t hate yourself.  I too have a fair share of stupidity and foolishness” I hold his hand and wiped his tears with the sleeves of my sweater “What’s important is…we are in this together…stronger…tighter…and feistier...we’ll get you out of your marriage” I pat his hand, “I’m with you in this”. My spirit is up and I feel settled more than ever. Jiyong pulled me so close to him, his perfume is making my head swoon, “I miss this smell on you!” I grabbed his shirt and sniffed it over and over again. This scent brings me back to when we were in our early twenties when we use the same perfume. It’s for women but when I told him that it smells so y on him, he didn’t think twice and used it too. He giggled, “I know you love it”. Teasing, “Are you seducing me?” And in a whisper he replied, “Kind of”

Though it’s hard to brush off what we just talked about, I chose to lighten things up since this is our first ‘family’ time here in Seoul. Our kids played with Jiyong and I, climbing bars, took turns on the swing, and seesaw. I am now reminded that as our kids grow older, our bones and stamina is getting weaker. Jiyong and I gave up in the middle of playing tag all because we feel light headed already.

“Let’s go for ice cream!” he called out to the kids who are swinging so high, I’m the one feeling sick for them.

“I love that! Good idea!” I replied when none of the kids did. Jiyong looked back at me, chuckling, “Yah! The offer is for humans five below only!” he said. I stick out my tongue at him, “I’ll buy one for myself then”, I picked up my bag that has everything in it (The kids’ extra shirts, drinking bottles, baby powder, wet tissue, and a box of band aid in  case someone gets hurt), and headed to the convenience store in the first floor of our building.

Of course, I will not be selfish, I’m going to buy some for them too. I only hurried here because of the airconditioning. “Huh?” peeking out the window, I saw a woman approaching them. The kids are now with Jiyong on the bench. “I’ll have these” I put my buys on the counter, eyes not on the cashier, but outside. “That would be eight thousand won” I heard the cashier but I didn’t move at all. “Miss…” he called for my attention, “Oh!” and I scrambled to get my wallet. “!” I forgot to bring it. “Hmm…” What the heck is going on with me! And, who is that girl? “I’m sorry…but I left my wallet…I’m not going to buy those anymore” I said and speed out to the playground.

From where I am, I cannot really tell who the girl is. She’s not familiar to me. It can be someone from the neighborhood, a stranger who recognized Jiyong. It cannot be Dami Unnie for she’s not as tall and skinny.

Wait…

“Lena?”

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