Love is not limited. We give in to people who matters without asking for anything in return. We don’t care if there’s nothing left for us. What’s important is, we make these people feel what we feel for them in any way possible.

When did this all become so real?

Yong is now one hundred days old, an unbelievable reality that I made a human being and that he came out of me. I never thought I can really raise a child. Up to this day, being a Mother is still a challenge, but I’m learning well. Also, we’ll be moving back to my apartment just as planned, and even though Jiyong is not that good with it, he let me be just to give me a taste of how cruel it can be (that will eventually make me go back to his apartment again).

“Omo!” I gasped in surprise when he barged in the nursery room.

It’s early in the morning. I just woke up and checked on Yong right away. Jiyong, on the other hand, just arrived from work. He’s so busy these days. His first concert in two years is only a few weeks away, and from his stories, I can tell that it’s going to be an amazing one, as usual.

Excited, he walked towards the baby bed and carried Yong, lifting him up carefully. He didn’t even greet me good morning, as if I wasn’t there.

“Happy one hundredth day little man!” he greeted him in his most cheerful voice, “I’ll be here all day to celebrate with you”

“Ow? You don’t have rehearsals?” I butted in, and he finally looked at me.

He smiled “Good Morning”, and greeted.

I smiled back, “Good Morning”

“I cancelled my rehearsals today” he said, building up my curiosity.

“Why?”

While cooing Yong, “I told Hyun Suk hyung that it’s Yong’s one hundredth day and that I want to rest”

Seriously, this day isn’t that important. Well, it is, but it’s not enough to cancel important things. This gesture is touching though, for most Fathers doesn’t even know how old their children are, and here is Jiyong, celebrating even the days of my child’s existence.

“You know you can just rest. Leave the baby to me” I told him and brushed his hair away from his face. He keeps on kissing Yong on the forehead. “You miss him so much, huh?” I asked, with my heart melting at what I’m seeing.

“Oh, you don’t know how bad it is” he kissed Yong again, “It’s been weeks since I held him and kissed him, like this…” he kissed him again on the forehead. “I see him every day but only for a minute or two. Today, I’ll play with him for a long time”

The love Jiyong has for Yong is immeasurable. He plays as his Father, something I actually don’t want to happen because I’m afraid my son will get so attached, he’ll really think of him as his Father. There’s nothing wrong with it, thing is, when the time comes Jiyong has his own children, I don’t want them to share him with my son because they deserve all of him.

“We’re…” I hate to change the mood, but I have to “…we’re already packed for the move tonight” I continued.

And the happy air slowly becomes hazy. “Yeah? I already borrowed Appa’s van to use for all of your things to fit. My car is too compressed for all of it”. He might look like he’s cool with it, when deep inside I know he’s not.

“Don’t worry too much, Jiyongie. As I’ve said, I’ll call for help when I need it. You can always visit Yong whenever you want as well”

“But it’s still different!” Sadness is all over his face.

I hugged him from the side, resting my chin on his shoulder “You’ll get used to it. And, I promise to bring Yong here every now and then. Omma and Appa told me that they will borrow him for a day, maybe once a week, and bring him to Dolce Vita. Dami Unnie also said that she wanted to bring Yong to her shop”

Worriedly, he looked at my son “Aigoo. You’ll be like a basketball being passed from one person to another” then he kissed him on the forehead again “They can take you anywhere in Seoul, but I will take you to Disneyland, just tell me where and when you want it, and we’ll fly there right away”

Spoiler – Jiyong is a spoiler, and it’s going to be hard to break. Just imagine how he’ll be with his own children. I bet he’s going to be all out.

“Ah!” he snapped, making me look at him while checking Yong’s diaper.

And it’s full. “Poop alert!” I told him, and if you think that he’s going to back out, he won’t.

With a new diaper in hand, he helped me change Yong. In the middle of the mess, my son tripped on peeing, surprising us with a fountain of pee. “Aigoo” Jiyong is not even disgusted. In fact, he finds it funny, even when his shirt is splashed with pee on it.

“Great, my little one” I tapped Yong’s nose, making him smile.

“I’m positive you’re going to be the coolest person alive, little man” Jiyong told him, and the baby giggled “I love you so much!”

My heart melted. “He loves you too” I replied for my son.

“You know what?” he carried him again after his diaper change “Sometimes, I feel so bad for Hong Shik”

“Why is that?”

Ugh! He said his name again. What is it this time?

While cradling Yong in his arms, “Because he won’t be able to witness the growth of a good man”

It sounds dramatic, but I’m very much in awe that Jiyong can see my son growing up well, when I sometimes slip out of my confidence that I can even make him half the man I want him to be.

I sighed, “Oh well, that’s life!”

Jiyong faced me to him using one arm, “Don’t you think he deserves to know? I mean, he’s the Father and no matter how you flip this world, he’s a part of Yong”

Actually, there are times when I consider telling Hong Shik about our son, but I erase it off my mind after a while because I really think that not telling him is better for the both of us.

“Jiyongie, the guy already have a lot on his place. Adding more to it will be too much. But, what do we know? One day, when he’s more stable and in the right place in life, he will know of Yong and I’m going to make sure that when that day comes, he won’t see anything wrong with how I raised our child”

Quickly, the atmosphere changed from serious to light, thanks to Yong who suddenly smiled.

“I was about to say…” Jiyong put Yong down on his bed, “You and Noona are going somewhere fun today”

“Huh?”

He smiled widely, “I’m giving the both of you a day off from your busy schedules”

Oh man!

“But, how about Yong?”

He smirked. “I’m here. I’ll be the one taking care of him. And, for your peace of mind, I called Omma and Appa to give me a hand, since I know that you’ll worry to death knowing that Yong will be left with me only”

He’s just so good with surprises.

“Where are we going?” I asked anxiously. Excitement is slowly taking over me. This surprise is truly good because I haven’t been out for three months now. The only time I go out is in the morning, with Yong to get some sun.

“Surprise” he casually said and pinched my nose.

 Giddy, I got ready for hours of fun. Dami unnie and I will get to bond, and it only happens once in a blue moon since we’re both so busy. I remember when I was still a teenager, she would fetch me at school, once or twice a month to treat me out for dinner. We’ll talk about boys and fashion.

“Are you sure you can handle him?” I asked Jiyong, minutes before we leave.

With Yong in his arms, “Yes! As long as there’s milk to feed him, we’ll be OK”

To be honest, I’m close to not going anymore because of worry. Not that I don’t trust Jiyong, it’s just that Yong can be too much sometimes, Jiyong might lose his sanity, especially if he cries like there’s no end to it.

“I’ve pumped enough milk for him, they’re in the fridge, just heat it in the microwave” I instructed, and he gave me an assuring nod. Looking straight into his eyes, “Are you really sure you can do this?” I asked again.

Jiyong looked over my shoulder, at his Noona. “Get her out of here now” he told her and next thing I know it, I’m at the door already. “Have fun!” he called out before we head out.

Being out and having a little break from Motherhood is amazing. For the first time, I’m wearing a dress, not a loose shirt and sweatpants. I’m well bathed too (you see, when you’re a nursing Mother, bath time is shortened to two minutes, max. No ). I smell of vanilla scented soap instead of milk and baby vomit.

“So you know about this” I told unnie after she parked the car.

She giggled and nod. “Yep! Jiyong called me yesterday to plan it all, even giving me an all access to his credit card”

Oh, the card.

“I guess this is going to be fancy” I said comically. She laughed “It really is”

We are at an exclusive spa where the rich and famous go to. I heard that Song Hye kyo goes here a lot for some pampering. This place has privacy and luxury at the same time.

From the moment we arrived, we were treated like royalties. The body massage is heaven. They are extra gentle with me because I just gave birth. Unnie and I drifted off to sleep right away. After that, we were ushered into the VIP room where we get our mani and pedi.

Over champagne (for unnie) and Gyokuro tea (for me), we chatted about everything and anything under the sun. She told me about the guy she’s seeing as of the moment, and of course the latest in fashion. I, on the other hand, doesn’t have anything to talk about except my son and how crazy my days are because of him.

“I’m just curious…” she took a sip of champagne “What are your thoughts about falling in love now that you’re already a Mother?”

Hard question.

“mmm…” I looked far away, and at her again after a while. “Love doesn’t come to you when you’re looking for it, it comes when you least expect it. I mean, my priority now is Yong and I’m stepping back from hunting for my Mr. Right, if he’ll come, then he comes. I won’t chase like before”

“I get you, but you deserve to look for love. Areumie, from what I can read, I know you’re losing hope of finding ‘the one’. You know yourself and your needs, and you can deny it, but you want someone to be with and grow old with someday”

Silence.

Well yeah, maybe I’m brushing off love, but I know for a fact that finding one will not be easy.

“How…” I’m about to ask questions that I’ve been itching to ask for a very long time now.

Unnie looked at me, waiting for me to continue. I swallowed hard. “How can I find love if I’ve already found it, just to lose it in the process? How can I forget the close to perfect relationship I just had? How do I not compare Jiyong to other men?”

These are what’s hiding in my head. As much as I want answers, it seems impossible to get any as of now.

“You know what Areumie?” Unnie smiled “Jiyong is the man he is today because of you. You taught him things we cannot teach, his colleagues can never teach, and he can’t learn by himself alone. Like, how to love a person unconditionally without asking for anything in return. Well, he can learn it from us or to somebody, but I strongly believe that he got it from you, because you’re selfless. You might not know it, but you are. Take it from the sacrifices you made for him. Great example is when you let him go, to give him his freedom to make his dreams a reality and find someone that doesn’t have a baggage like yours. I know more than him hurting, you are bleeding dry, because that’s not what you want but you have to force yourself to want it for his sake”

It seems like Dami unnie got it all figured out. Jiyong and I are very open to her when it comes to our pain, but I always filter my stories. I told her my side of the story on why I broke up with his brother, but I never told her what I really feel about it.

While holding my hand, “You can never experience the same love twice. And, as much as you want your next lover to be like the other, it’s not possible, because the next man you’re going to be with is not the man in your past. Claim it, Jiyong is ‘the one that got away’, and you’re the same for him. But, what do we know? Your next lover might even exceed your past relationship” she gave out a heartwarming smile and squeezed my hand. “All the family want is for you to meet someone who will treat you like the best damn thing in the world. Someone who will tell you he loves you and mean it, for anyone can say I love you but not everyone can prove it’s true”

All that I’ve heard makes sense. I deserve a love that is true, just like what Jiyong and I had. Though it can’t be repeated, I know that with a good man, at least something better can come out of it. Now that I’m slowly considering to love again, I realized, I want my next boyfriend to teach me how to not be afraid of anything. Also, I want someone who can love me and my son at least closer to the love that Jiyong gives us. It’s not impossible, right?

Bonding time ended with Unnie and I feeling like angels touched us. Our bodies feel so light. Our skin is glowing, and our minds are aligned perfectly. The smell of the coconut oil that was used to massage me is sticking in my nose and it’s heavenly.

Amidst all that, we have to go back to reality. Tonight, Yong and I will be moving back to my apartment. It’s not going to be easy, but it has to happen.

“I feel heavy” I heard Jiyong say to Kwon Omma.

To comfort him, she rubbed his back. “Of course, but you’ll get used to it. After all, you can go there anytime you want. They’re only a few minutes away anyway”

“But it’s different with them here, Omma” he sounded like a kid, reasoning to his Mother.

At this point, I can’t help to in. So, I walked closer to them and wrapped my arm around Jiyong’s shoulders, “Everything’s going to be fine”. I’m not sure if I’m comforting him right, but I hope I am.

Things completely packed in boxes and loaded in the van, we drive off to my apartment. Jiyong is so quiet that it doesn’t feel normal at all. Yong is tucked in his car seat, giggling whenever the car breaks and moves.

“Aigoo” I unbuckled the car seat and carried it out of the van.

Jiyong looked over the driver’s seat “Can you handle it?” he asked.

I smiled and nod. “Yep!”

With heavy feet, he brought every box in, while I feed my hungry son. My apartment is just the way I left it, minus the vanilla scent. What’s new is the nursery that is in my room. Yuna made it possible to give me space with Yong sharing it. I guess once he’s old enough and doesn’t want to share a room with me anymore, I have to give up my walk-in closet to make as his room (or we can just move in to another apartment with enough rooms).

“You don’t have to unpack Jiyongie. I can do that tomorrow” I told him.

He hissed. “As if you can”

Alright. I give up. I know it’s going to take some time for me to get a grip of things, but I’m sure I can handle it. Depending on people will not teach me what I need to learn. I have to stand up on my own and see what happens.

In the end, I let him do the unpacking, all because he doesn’t want to listen to me. I helped with some things after making Yong sleep and even cooked instant noodles for him.

“Call me anytime, OK? Tell me what you need and I’ll get it for you” he is so worried. It’s all over his face and even in the sound of his voice.

I nodded many times. “Don’t worry about a thing”

He sighed in defeat and bent down to the baby bed to kiss Yong on the forehead. “I’ll miss you little man. I’m going to leave now” he whispered, for Yong is already sleeping and he doesn’t want to wake him up.

“I’ll walk you out” I told him and he sighed before giving a nod.

Jiyong has sighed too many times, that tells me there are things he wanted to say but opted not to.

“I’m going now” he stared at me.

I hugged him tightly, surprising him “Thank you, Jiyongie”

He smirked. “It’s nothing” he said and kissed my shoulder. “Take care, alright?” he pulled out and I nodded. “Yeah. Don’t worry about us”

As if on cue, Yong cried while Jiyong and I are saying our goodbyes. It alarmed him but I assured him that I got it. He has to leave already because it’s late and he’s tired from babysitting all day (Kwon Omma told me that he slept for just a while and took care of Yong almost all by himself).

Turns out, my son’s diaper is full and it’s irritating him to the core. I immediately changed him, but it took some time to make him stop from crying.

*doorbell ringing*

“Oh!”

Wait. Don’t tell me…

“Hey!” Jiyong greeted the moment I opened the door.

While cradling Yong using a baby sling, “You came back!” I said in surprise.

He smiled at me beautifully, and with puppy eyes, “Can I sleep here?”

“Aigoo” I opened the door widely for him.

While walking in, “I wanted to tell you about it since we arrived but didn’t, because I was thinking maybe you want to be alone. But, after hearing Yong cry before I leave, I couldn’t step in the van, I just have to come back and see how you two are doing”

Touching. He is really something.

                                            ~~~~~

Four months later….

“Ji!” Xin called, walking in the room with some of their friends behind him.

Still carrying Yong, Jiyong greeted them. Thing is, my son is not that good with strangers, he cried the moment they tried playing with him and only stopped when Dami Unnie got him.

“How are you?” a tall, skinny, brunette hugged and kissed him on the cheek.

                                              ****