My heart hasn’t felt this much pain in so long, I cannot remember anymore what I do whenever these times comes in the past.

It’s the middle of the night. I have my kids with me, in one bedroom, sleeping soundly beside each other in my bed that only fits one. As I look at them peaceful in dreamland, my mind is clouded by so many thoughts that I cannot even single out. Mark left about an hour ago. He keeps on asking me if I’m mentally, physically and emotionally good because if not, he’ll stay for the night to watch over me. I told him I’m beyond good, which is a lie because I’m severely heartbroken.

For a year and a half, I was able to make myself believe that things are getting better. That me, running away this time, with his approval, with him and the family knowing where I am, will bring no problem at all, because hey, he knows and after all, he’s the one who let go. Thing is, after hearing all that he said during our “confrontation”, I was shocked, frozen, I feel like a bucket of ice was poured on me. I feel like I was slapped so hard with the truth I definitely know of but continuously and diligently erase and ignore.

Yes, I have this habit of running away. Running away to me is like getting a temporary freedom that I badly long for. I like the feeling of starting in a new slate again. Discovering myself all over again. Proving to myself that I can do many things, one of which is pulling myself up in times when I already hit rock bottom. But, after hearing Jiyong out, I realized that my running away is stupidity at its finest. I may never know how much pain I caused him all these years, but there’s one thing I’m sure of, he is one strong human being, for he was able to take the pain of my absence together with hundreds of problems in his personal life and most especially, career. 

Now, I don’t know how to fix us anymore. ! I don’t even know how to fix me yet. It seems like love never really wanted to stay with me, or maybe, I really don’t want love to stay with me because the problem is actually, always, me, and not the other person. The realization that maybe this time, after last night, he’s already genuinely gone and it’s sinking in right through my bones, breaking me so much more. Everything must come to an end, and maybe that was our end.

“What the!” I surprised Mark by showing up at his house in the wee hours of the night, hair all messy and eyes bloodshot from crying.

“I can’t sleep” my voice is hoarse after crying and screaming for hours.

Still half asleep, he pulled me to him and hugged me tightly. He kept me there for more than five minutes then let go with a sympathetic smile on his face. “Do you want a cup of coffee or tea?” he asked. I shake my head. “What about….” He tapped his index finger on his chin “A muffin?” once again, I shake my head. He sighed, “As much as I want to bring Jiyong to you because I know it’s him you want so bad right now, I’m sorry, I can’t, for I don’t have a summoning power like that on TV” he said animatedly, making me want to laugh but instead I cried, hard, AGAIN.

“All I want is to apologize to him” I cried “I want to say sorry for ALL the pain I caused him” one hiccup comes “I want to tell him that he’s the best thing that ever happened to me aside from our children” and another hiccup comes again “I want to thank him for being my rock all these years. That without him my life would’ve been garbage. Damn! I’m not who I am today if it weren’t for him. He pulled me all the way up with him. He never let go of my hands even when I keep on slipping. He puts me first above all else even when it’s so foolish of him to do that. He changed his life to fit mine, which is so unfair to him but he doesn’t mind. There are times when I want to slam his head on the wall just for him to come to his senses and finally realize that I’m not worth all the hard work and sacrifices, but there’s no guarantee that he will stop fixing me, because I know that man, he may say that I always want to get fixed and that I need to start fixing myself alone this time, but I’m a hundred percent sure, he will come running to me to help me fix ME even when I don’t call for him. He has his ways and it’s crazy to think that he might actually not come to rescue me anymore”. I am, at this point, is like a lost child, crying desperately for help.

“He has all these what ifs” I catch my breath as new tears started rolling down my cheeks again. “He’s afraid that I won’t come back…well…I want to tell him that I WILL COME BACK…to our home…to the family….” I paused “To him” and cried harder.

“What if the kids blame him of my disappearance?” I wiped my tears with the back of my hand “I will tell him that our kids…no matter what happens…will not blame him for anything because he’s the best Father this world ever got…with all the things he did for them…the strength he pulled out to make the family sail through the waves is enough reason why he’s a good Father…if there’s someone our kids will one day possibly hate…” I pointed at myself “It’s me. For being a weakling. For being too afraid to face problems. And for always running away”

And last but not the least…

“What if I come back with a new family?” I smirked, making Mark giggle.

“In my heart…” I pointed at my chest then at my Mark “You know this so well” I told him and he nodded “It’s just him” and I cried again. It’s crazy. My eyes keep on producing salty water as if it’s a dam that was open completely. “I can never even imagine loving someone else”

All of you know this, not just Mark. Jiyong is the only man I want to love and grow old with. It’s with him I know for sure, I’ll be at my happiest. Yes, after this the possibility of us getting back together is slimmer than a strand of noodle, and I may find another man in the future, but it’s him I know my heart is for. Only drag is, I ed up and happens.

“Why don’t you call him?” Mark ushered me to the living room where I slammed my body on the long, leather couch.

I raised my head, sighed, and buried it again on the fluffy pillow. “He will not answer my call” I mumbled.

“What?” Mark leaned in closer. He’s sitting on the center table in front of the couch.

“I doubt if he’ll pick up” I said, earning a hiss. He’s getting impatient, it’s obvious.

“You haven’t even tried!” he yelled at me.

“I don’t have my phone” I shrugged it off and buried my face on the pillow again.

“Here” Mark is handing me his phone “I know you know his phone number like the back of your hand. Dial now”, and he pulled me up to sit. He forced me to hold his phone.

“I don’t know…” my heart is beating wildly. “He won’t pick up. I’m telling you” I can give a good number of reasons just to not call Jiyong.

You may think me stupid because I’m already being given a chance to make things (at least) good for Jiyong and I, and I’m refusing to do so, but, as much as I want to talk to him, I’m afraid that nothing good will come out of my mouth (as always), making things so much worse.

“You don’t want to call?” Mark asked.

I shake my head “Nope!”

He stared at me then snatched the phone away “Fine” he said coolly.

“HYUNG!” He called out.

Huh?

“Jiyong Hyung!” He called out louder.

“Ha!” I faked a laugh then lie on the couch “Nice joke” I said before positioning myself perfectly. I’m not going to sleep here because my kids are at home alone. I just want to rest for a while. I’ll go back to them in a few minutes.

And then,I heard footsteps coming down from the stairs.

                                                                                                                                                  ****