JIYONG

Move on, Jiyong, MOVE ON – I keep on repeating this to myself.

After our party, I’ve decided to close my door to Areum, a gesture that is so hard but badly needed. This way, she’ll get to experience life outside of the tiny world we share. This way, I can pick up my life where I left it before being in a relationship with her. Yes, I still love her. It can lessen, but will not ever fade. We both have to grow and move forward.

If there’s one thing I cannot turn my back to, it’s Yong. Even when things are about to change between me and Areum, nothing will change with how I treat and care for my ‘Little Man’.

“Omo!” he shocked me by pulling himself up on his own, with the help of the couch. “Yaaa…are you going to start walking on your own already?” I went to him and he giggled as a reply. “Are you going to retire that noisy walker of yours?” I pointed at the white and gold walker that sings children songs whenever you push a button. It never fails to wake me up from a good sleep. “Aigoo” I hold his hand and made him walk. Yong prefers being walked than using his walker. Areum always roam him around their apartment that ends up with her dead tired.

“Jiyong-ah!” Appa walked in the living room holding an Apaman balloon. “Yongie-ah!” he called out sweetly. “Harabeoji have a surprise for you!”

My Little Man is so excited for the balloon that he let go of my hand. Good thing I’m holding him tightly or else he’ll fall face first on the marbled floor.

“Give Harabeoji a kiss first before I give this to you” Appa’s cute side is coming out again. Ever since Yong came, he’s never ashamed to show his cuteness anymore.

Yong shrieked really loud in happiness upon receiving his surprise. He knows what to do with a balloon. We always tell him not to let it go or else it’ll fly to the sky and he’ll never see it again.

“Pa!” he’s now sitting on the floor, holding the string of the balloon tightly.

I sit in front of him, “Appa will tie it around your wrist so that it won’t go bye-bye”. As if understanding everything that I said, he smiled and let me get the balloon from him.

“Pa!” he extended his arms, asking me to carry him. Already in my arms, “Ma!” he said, while looking at me. He probably want to show Areum the balloon. I kissed his cheek, “Omma is not here. Don’t worry, she’ll see that later”.

Months ago, I still feel silly talking to Yong because he really doesn’t seem to understand what I’m saying. Now, it’s the other way around. He’s reacting to everything already.

“Do you want to show Halmeoni your balloon?” I asked, my tone pitchy with excitement. Yong bounced up and down, “Ni-ni!” he excitedly called.

For ten months now, my parents have been extremely happy to have a Grandchild. I’m not worried for my future children anymore, for they have the best Grandparents the world ever produced.

We spent the whole morning playing with Yong. Appa and I take turns in walking him around the living room, while Omma keeps on wiping his sweat and cheering for him.

“Pa! Pa!” I’m preparing him for a bath and he keeps on calling me. “We’re going to take a bath now, Yongie-ah” I tickled him, making him laugh really hard. “Ma! Ma!” We’re heading to the bathroom when he saw a picture of Areumie on my work desk. “Ma! Ma!” he’s pointing at it and keeps on looking at me. “Ma! Ma!”

“Pa! Ma! Pa! Ma!” this is my first time hearing him call the both of us, and his cheerful tone is overwhelming.

Letting Yong call me Appa is really a big deal for me. For sure, to Areumie as well. It’s definitely unusual, but I’m all good with it. Sometimes I wish he’s really mine, until I snap out of it after being reminded that he’s not.

Bathing a ten month old is so far from when he’s just a month old. Now, he’s so fond of splashing water. I even have to have eagle eyes watching him play in his little tub because he sometimes want to eat the foam from the soap, that Areumie said happened once while she’s bathing him. This boy is as crazy as his Mother.

“Appa will leave for wok now” I’m already running late. My meeting with Hyun Suk Hyung is an hour away. If I stay here any longer, I won’t make on time.

Freshly bathed, I give Yong to Omma. “Why do I have a strong feeling that he will cry once you leave?” her eyes met mine and I just stared at her.

If there’s something unusual about this boy, it’s his meltdowns whenever I’m leaving him, which rarely happens with Areumie. Yong is so calm watching her walking away when it’s the total opposite with me. Most of the time, I have to wait until he falls asleep to be able to go so that there won’t be a meltdown.

“Omma, can you bring him out to the pool area for a while so that I can leave?”

Yong seemed to feel it. He reached his arms out to me “Pa! Pa!” he called, on the verge of crying already. Honestly, I don’t want to leave for work today because this is one of the few days my schedule is not packed, for once my new project at YG starts, I’ll be busy again.

“How about…” I looked at him, smiling. “I bring you to YG?” As if he can understand, he shrieked. “Do you want to see the Samchons and Imos again?” This time, he clapped his hand. “Aigoo” I hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek.

Off we go! Hyun Suk Hyung will surely scold me for being late, but it’s not going to be intense because Yong is with me. His cuteness will get me out of trouble.

The moment we arrived at YG, employees went crazy over Yong. He’s not easy to warm up to people, but he let them coo and play with him. For an hour or two, I’m the only person who can hold him but once he’s already comfortable and sure that he’s safe, they’ll let them hold him. Last time he’s here, he played non-stop with the dancers and Youngbae.

“Omo!” Hyun Suk Hyung is surprised, as expected. “You’re here again” he Yong’s hair and my Little Man smiled at him. “He’s in a good mood” he told me.

I nod. “I’m not supposed to bring him but he got frustrated when I’m about to leave already. I can’t bear to see him like that”

For some reason, Hyung stared at me then smirked after a while. “You’re really doing a good job in being his Appa”

Settling down on the couch, “It’s unusual to pretend to be his Father, but I like it. He’s really a bundle of joy” I told him.

“But…” Hyung looked like he wanted to tell me something but is having second thoughts.

I waited patiently for him to continue.

With a sigh, “But…it seems like you and Areum are playing pretend with one another’s life”

I get what he said. And yes, it seems like it. For ten months now, Areum and I are living like husband and wife with a baby, minus the wedding ceremony and legal documents. We lived in one house. We’re intimate but not ually. Our set-up confuses me at times, for I feel like I really have a family in them. That I’m responsible of them, and that I have an obligation I have to keep up with. When truth is, I don’t have any.

“We are” I admitted “And it’s not easy”

From the looks of it, I can already sense that this meeting is not just going to be about business but also love counseling.

“It’s not meant to be easy, Jiyong. And it’s never going to be easy” Hyung knows my short relationship with Areum. I told him about it after she broke up with me. “That’s the reason why I keep on reminding you ever since you told me that you seem to see Areum more than a best friend that taking your relationship to another level is not going to work the way you want it to”

As much as I hate to admit it, he’s right. “But that short relationship is the best of all. I’ve been in year-long relationships and somewhat, somehow, there’s something lacking. Then here’s a short one that felt complete”. Next thing I know it, my emotions are playing me once again. “I swear Hyung, every waking day, I fight the urge to give up on us and look for something less complicated, painful and twisted. But as always, I end up loving her more and more”

In the middle of my drama, Yong suddenly crawled to me then pulled himself up using my shoulder. “Pa! Pa!” he called.

Hyung chuckled. “I think he’s feeling you”

Looking at Yong with tears pooling in my eyes. “I know Hyung”, then I pinched Little Man’s cheeks, making him giggle.

“Areum is very lucky. She’s got the sweetest son and…”

I smirked, cutting Hyung off. “And a best friend who is all out in loving her”

That’s the end of my counseling. Hyung didn’t say much because according to him, no matter what he say at the end of the day it’s still me who has the last say.

Our meeting is about another GD and TOP album. Since there are only three members of Big Bang out of military (Daesung still got a year and Seungri just started), we thought of a good way to continue the group’s music. Youngbae decided to extend his rest for a few more months. He’s enjoying travelling the world. TOP Hyung has only been active in acting and this project will be his first time in music after military.

“Jiyong” Manager Hyung called, peeking in the recording studio. It’s only me and Yong inside. Little Man is sleeping on the couch after a bottle of milk, while I’m writing a song that I’ve been working on for days now. “Miss Lena is here. She said you agreed to have dinner tonight”

Oh yeah! How can I forget that?

Lena called me yesterday asking if I’m free today. I told her that I can squeeze in dinner, just to forget about it now.

“Let her in Hyung” I said and cleared the mess on the center island.

“Hi!”

And here she is, all dolled up like she’s walking the runway. In a backless black jumpsuit with white t around the waist. Her hair in loose curls and face almost bare from light make-up.

“Hello!” We greeted each other with a cheek to cheek kiss and a hug. “I’m sorry. I forgot about our dinner” I straightforwardly said. And when I thought that she’s going to give me a disappointed look, a smile appeared on her face.

“It’s fine! I can understand since you seem so busy” her eyes landed on my lyric sheet, then to me. “I don’t even know if I should actually be here coz I might be disturbing your work” she said.

I shook my head. “No! You’re not”

This is our first time to be together, just the two of us. Usually, we go out in a group. I feel a little awkward, but it’s all cool.

To wash off the awkwardness, “Do you want something to drink?” I asked, heading to the small refrigerator with different kinds of drinks in it. Opening its door, “Cold coffee, Vitamin drink, cold water…” then I pulled out a can of beer, “Beer?”

It made her laugh. “A bottle of water, please”. I gave her one. “Oh!” she pointed at the couch where Yong is. “I didn’t see him there” she said, as I check on him. He’s still sleeping deeply.

Sitting opposite her, “I bring him to work every now and then” I said, receiving a smile.

“That’s so sweet!”

Compared to Areum, Lena is more girly. The way she moves, reacts, talks and even think. “His Mom must’ve been really busy”

“Yeah, she is”. Once again, I’m reminded of Areum. That woman just won’t get out of my head for long.

An hour passed by with the two of us talking about music. I showed her around the studio and even made her try the recording booth. If there’s one thing I can say after all this, I wish she’s more into music because she, herself, admitted that she knows very little of it. Of course, when it comes to fashion, it’s a different story. Lena and Areum are total opposites. My darling best friend almost has the same knowledge and preference in music as I am, but she’s not into fashion.

“Oh!” I received a text message from Omma asking how Yong is and if we’re going to be home before dinner. I was thinking to invite Lena over to make up for forgetting our plan for tonight.

In a snap of a finger, “Sure!” she agreed to my invitation. Just in time, Yong woke up from his nap and I have to tell Lena to ignore him for a while because she’s a stranger to him and he’s not good with strangers, especially when he just woke up.

“We’re going home now Yongie-ah” I told him while putting on his jacket.

“Have you really been this good to kids?” Lena asked while watching me prepare Yong for home.

I sighed and slipped in his shoe. “I haven’t taken care of a baby until he came”

“Really?” her eyes go big in awe.

I chuckled and nod. “I learned everything I need to learn from a book, my Mother, and Aruemie”, then I snapped my fingers, “Also from a birthing class”

As if my skill didn’t amaze her enough, “You took classes?”

“Yeah, with Areum” I replied with enthusiasm and carried Yong. “Let’s go?” I asked her and she nodded.

Our drive back to Dolce Vita is less awkward because of Yong who keeps making funny sounds. We even have to pull over because he pooped, and I changed him in the backseat with Lena watching from the passenger seat. I don’t know if this is a turn on to women. You know, guys who are good with babies. What I’m sure of is she’s definitely grossed out by the smell in the car.

“We’re here!” I pulled up and get Yong out before assisting Lena, who really waited for me to open the door for her.

As expected, Omma and Appa were shocked upon seeing her. It’s been a long time since I invited a friend over. My parents are good with visitors for they welcome them almost every day here.

“I’m cooking Areumie’s favorite stew” Omma said when I entered the kitchen to get a glass of water. “I hope Lena will like it” she continued.

With my arm on her shoulder, “I’m sure she will, Omma” I told her. But instead of giving me a smile, she sighed.

There’s something about that sigh.

Entertaining Lena is not as easy as I thought it will be. We don’t have much in common. There’s not much to talk about other than fashion. Thing is, we’ve talked about almost everything there is to it. So, I brought her to the pool area together with Yong, hoping that the water will somehow entertain her.

“This place is really beautiful” she settled on her seat after checking the area. “It’s so peaceful”

“Yeah. It is” I agreed, while letting Yong play on the glass table.

We watched him play with the toy airplane I bought for him when I went to Japan. He’s starting to warm up to Lena who I think is not that fond of children, which is a turn off because girls who are good with them are ten times more appealing.

“GD” she called after a while.

“Hmmm…”

“I like you”. Without hesitation, she said it, looking so confident and sure.

I’m speechless, though I kind of know it already.

“Ever since we met in Paris, I already like you. Maybe that’s also the reason why I really looked forward to the day we’ll spend more time together. I’ve been showing you hints but you don’t seem to notice them. That’s why, I decided to make a move. Hoping that it’ll take us somewhere or if not, at least I was able to say it”. Lena is one brave soul. I’ve never encountered a girl who is as straightforward as she is, even Areumie isn’t.

My tongue rolled back. I don’t know what to say and how to react. The only thing I did was reach out for her hand on the table and hold it while smiling. Very odd, but maybe this is God’s way of telling me that I can already move on in love.

“Wow!” is the first word that came out of my mouth. My head is empty.

Lena leaned forward. Our faces only inches away from each other. To my shock, she gave me a peck on the lips. My heart started racing, but it’s still not the same whenever Areumie gives me kisses.

“Mmm…” my brain went liquid, though I know I can get something out of it. “What….do you want to happen now?”

She smiled at me as if she’s just waiting for me to ask her that question. “Try dating me” her voice changed its tone. “This is surely fast, but maybe it will work. After all, I don’t dig courtships that much”

Well, she’s the same with some of the girls I’ve met who skips courtship in the belief that it’s just a waste of time when you can just get on with the relationship right away.

“But…” I want to reason out. Thing is, I cannot think straight. I don’t have much decent thoughts in my head as of the moment.

Once again, Lena leaned forward and this time, gave me quite a long kiss. My attention is not all on her and what she’s doing because I’m supporting Yong with my hand, for him not to fall off the table. My eyes are open the whole time, making me feel less of it.

“So…” her eyes sparkled differently. “What do you say?”

Kwon Jiyong, this is not the time to make rush decisions. But I can’t digest the fact that I’m going to embarrass a good woman by turning her down. I’m single anyway, and though I’m in-love with another girl, I can try loving another one. After all, I’m in bad need to move on. Lena might be the way to it.

Without much thought to it, “Alright” I said, shutting my heart down. My mind is the one who made the decision and I’m trusting it blindly.

Looking less surprised (I don’t know, maybe she felt that I’m going to give in to her), Lena walked behind me and hugged me.

I did this to save myself from hurting again. Areum has Dr. Miller now, it’s only a matter of time that she’ll see him in a different light. It might not be right, but the only way I can think of to be even is to be with another woman. Whether it’ll work out or not, at least I won’t be facing the painful reality of Areum with another man at rock bottom. With the help of Lena, the deep wound of my heart will hopefully be healed.

“We cannot promise each other a forever, but we can at least hope to be together until we can” Lena said with sincerity.

I rubbed her arm that is wrapped around my neck. “Yeah”

And just like that, I got myself a girlfriend. I keep wondering what’s going to happen after I break this news to my family, especially to Areum. Truth is, I want to keep this from her for a little while.

Yong finally warmed up to Lena after hours of having her around. He now let her hold him, even sitting on her lap.

And then….Areum arrived. At that point, all I want to do is tell her that I’m in a new relationship already, with the woman in front of her just to see if she’s going to get jealous, but I stick with my decision of keeping it a secret from her.

During dinner, Lena became touchy. Areum is sure to be getting the hints, for her eyes never leave us all throughout. And when the two were left to wash the dishes, I almost dragged Lena out in fear that she might tell Areum about us, but it was too late. All I can do is wait for them to finish and pray that nothing has been said yet.

The night get deeper. My parents, Areum and Yong are surely all in dreamland. Lena is still here, looking like she’s got no intention of leaving. It’s fine, since there are a lot of rooms anyway. I’ll even give her the biggest one if she wants to.

“So peaceful”. We are at the balcony, overlooking the lake. She faced me and caressed my face, “I need to know you better, and by that I mean I have to know everything about you”

Of course, she does! I do too! There are too many to learn and know about each other that this night cannot cover it all.

“Well…” I’m the guy. I’m the one who should be starting. “Aside from the basic information, magazines, television interviews give, there’s not much to know about me”. Honesty is the key here. If I want something good out of this fast paced relationship, I need to be a hundred percent honest (or maybe only eighty percent).

“Music is my life. I live and breathe it since I can remember. Far from what people think of me, I’m not a happy go lucky person. Not a jerk at all. Sometimes can be cocky but I know where to place myself. I think first before doing most things, but I’m not afraid to make mistakes and bad decisions. I’m shy around people even when I’m used to be surrounded by so many of them. Only a few have seen me in my true nature, and it’s not like I don’t want to show others, I just find it hard to open up…” I paused when I felt like Lena is about to say something.

She take a breath and exhaled heavily. “One of the few is Areum, right?”

Well, I guess this conversation won’t pass without her name being said.

Nodding, “Yes”

“Twenty years of friendship” she said, and I nod proudly. “She must know so much about you”

Well, as a matter of fact, she knows everything. She knows me more than I know myself, I think.

I nodded again. “Yeah”

“She already know about us”. The moment I heard this, I nearly jumped off the balcony.

With nothing to do anymore, “I want to be the one to tell her” I said in annoyance. But hey, I’m at fault here because I could’ve told Lena about my plan.

She swish her hand, “Oh, she’s good with it!”

Really? I doubt it.

“I told her we should be friends and that I want to know you better from her but she said that it’s better for me to know you by myself”

Clearly, Areum doesn’t want to involve herself in this, just like in my past relationships.

“You know what?”

Still not over the fact that Areum knows about my new relationship already, “What?” I asked.

“I’m wondering how different you are with me than when you are with her”. This girl is so direct, she doesn’t have brakes.

To answer this once and for all, with Areum, I don’t need to think if what I’m doing is right or if I’m being nasty. I laugh even when there’s nothing funny, all because I find her raw expressions funny. There’s no need to filter my words and stories with her because she knows how I talk and doesn’t mind at all if I’m being senseless. I love looking at her face when telling a story because of the many emotions it shows. With her, there’s no dull moment. No awkwardness. No pretentions. With her, I’m like a transparent box, contents all showing.

Brushing off what she said, she hold hands with me. “Tell me about your past relationships”

OK. Now I’ve proven that this woman is the most aggressive out all I’ve been with.

“What’s there to tell?” I asked, thinking twice if I really should share stories.

She shrugged. “Just…whatever”

All right.

“I date for a long time. The longest is my first serious relationship at eighteen. We lasted for five years. The second was three years. And the recent one, only lasted for over a month”

 

Lena looks so interested. “What happened to the last? Isn’t she good enough?”

With a sigh, “She’s too good”

Her eyebrow, raised. “Then why did you break up?”

Not really in the mood to talk about it, “To cut the long story short, she chose to be selfless and selfish at the same time, giving me the freedom that I’m good without”

Long silence. I think I’ve given her so much to think about.

“You loved her?”

In a heartbeat. “Yes. Very much”

Awkward silence.

My tongue is itching. I need to talk. “I always thought we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. But, in a snap, things changed. I now have to envision our future separately. She, with another man. I, with another woman. I believe that I’m the first one to let go, not her, because even when we’ve already separated, she stick with me though it’s hard. And you know what ? I feel her falling away from me at an exponential speed and I just choose to watch her fade away”

The silence continued…

“Who is this girl?” Lena is serious all of a sudden.

Without hesitation, “Areum”

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