Painful truths are always hard to accept. You may deny it for some time and turn your back, but there’s no way you can run away.

Waking up with Jiyong beside me always feel so good. His peaceful face is refreshing and his calm breathing is relaxing. Last night, he wasn’t able to leave for I gave him so much “motivation” that overwhelmed him.

It was one heck of a night. We made love and talked about the future. As best friends, there’s still you and me whenever we talk. Now as lovers, it’s already, US. The line of friendship and romance is now clear and all I can pray, is for it to work out so that our talks about the future won’t go to waste.

*

Do you still want that insane-grand wedding you always talk about when we were younger?” he asked, while my hair.

We’re talking about a fairytale type wedding here. You know, the walking down a long aisle in a beautiful castle while wearing the most beautiful gown matched with a long trail. My groom looking nearly as Prince Charming. After the priest announce us husband and wife, we’ll go to the castle’s balcony where hundreds of people are waiting to congratulate us and witness our first kiss.

The thought of it made me laugh. I was twelve when I dreamed of that. As if it’s possible”

He turned to face me fully and smiled playfully. “I think you’ve forgotten, you’re with a man who makes the impossible, possible”

True. Kwon Jiyong knows his way around a lot of things. You can ask him for the stars and he’ll give it to you with the moon as a bonus.

“I’m all good with just my groom and I. There’s no need for the grand and fancy”

“We can just get married now, you know”

Oh please! I may be carrying somebody else’s child. And, I’m not yet ready for marriage.

I shook my head. “You know my stand on this, Jiyong”. My voice is serious and it seemed to change his playful mood.

“But, that’s where we’re heading, right? Marriage?” the sound of his voice is full of hope.

Never in our twenty years of friendship have I thought that we’ll have this kind of talk. It feels and sounds weird.

Confident and sure, “Yes” I answered, making him sigh in relief.

There’s no man I can think of that can level Jiyong. He’s the complete package. The girl he’s going to end up with is beyond lucky, and I’m going to make that I’m that girl.

“How about your dream house. Do you still want it near the beach?”

I smiled and nod. “I still want it in Jeju”

“Great! We can build a house near my café. Then, we’ll both manage it. Unless you still want to work as a Doctor after getting married”

I remember telling him before that I’m torn between giving up my career for family or retaining it just to have something else to do other than being a wife and mother, and he’ll always say that he’s sure, I’ll make the best decision (which is dropping my career).

“You really have this going already, huh?” I asked, while looking into his eyes.

He takes in a breath and smiled warmly. “You are always a part of my plans and you know that. It’s just that this time, you’re more than my best friend. It’s not spending my gray days with you as a neighbor anymore, but spending it with you and with the future family we’ll be making, because it’s only now that I can see a clearer picture of my future, that is a total blur before with other girls”

How can I put in words what I feel after hearing that? All I can say is, I’m happy, that for the first time, I’m not afraid of what the future holds. I am actually looking forward to it, excitedly.

“How about kids? I know you don’t want many”. Jiyong is really into this future-talk, making me go nuts for I never expected it.

The moment I heard the word ‘kids’, the thought of me possibly pregnant came to mind. My nerves shoot up all of a sudden and fear embraced my being. What if I really am pregnant? How will Jiyong take it?

I zoned out. I can’t get my thoughts back.

“uhmm…” I lost myself there. “Kids” I said and swallowed hard.

He chuckled. “Don’t tell me you don’t want any”

I rolled my eyes. “What will you do if I really don’t?”

Those who know Jiyong, knows so well that he’s really into children. He loves seeing them, playing, and even taking care of them. At some point, I thought he’s going to be a teacher, or an owner of a day care center, way back when he’s still figuring out what he really wanted to do in life.

Suddenly, the memory of us babysitting a neighbor’s children came to mind. We were in our teens and were given a responsibility for three kids. As far as I can remember, the eldest is seven, followed by five, and the youngest is three. Jiyong and I agreed to babysit after Kwon Omma told us that we’ll be given a good amount of money by the end of the day. And because we’re saving up for a short trip (I think it’s in Jeju, but it didn’t push through), we accepted the job even without any experience in babysitting.

All is well at first. The kids are cooperative and behave. Then comes the afternoon, where all breaks loose. Meltdowns started one after another, making me lose my marbles. However, Jiyong is still patient and calm. He would handle each kid gently and talk them out of whatever their problem is, while I just sit in a corner, thinking, “What in the world have I gotten myself into?” Because of him, we made it through the day.

“I can’t see myself as a mother….JUST YET” I blurted out and it’s nothing but the truth.

But, what if I’m really pregnant? Will I be able to wrap my mind into it?

Jiyong looked straight into my eyes as if reading me. I looked back at him blankly, while brushing every single thought off in my mind for him not to see.

“I will not push it if you don’t want it” he said after a while.

Smiling half-heatedly, “In time, I will be ready”

And he seemed to understand it.

I can’t stop from thinking how he’ll react if I really am pregnant to another man. One thing is for sure, our relationship will be on the rocks. Can we make it through? I don’t know. All I’m hoping for is our friendship to still stay the same even when it’s impossible.

*

Spending the whole morning with him, I get to get my mind out of my possible condition. Weird, but I’m still not having symptoms though I know, sooner or later, I will. That’s how it goes.

Gosh! I might be pregnant, with another man’s baby, and it’s Hong Shik. How playful life can be?

“Do you want me to drive you to the hospital?” Jiyong asked while watching me prepare for work.

I looked at him and smiled. “I’m all good. Just go home and prepare to go back to the studio later” I said and he gave out a pout. “I’ve motivated you enough to skip another day” I teased, making him chuckle.

He stood up from the couch and hugged me. “Einstein, how do I say I love you more than you’ll ever know?

That made my heart flutter. I know and I can feel his love, and I’m deeply, madly, insanely, in-love with him too. It’s funny how our friendship bloomed into this. Thinking about what’s going to happen next is exciting.

As much as we want to spend the whole day together, doing nothing, just cuddling in bed, our day has to start. It’s going to be long for the both of us coz we’re pulling out an all-nighter.

“Doctor Jeong” my assistant is looking more radiant today for some reason. I guess I’m not the only one who’s in-love (I heard she’s dating a nurse from the surgery department).

“Yep!” I stopped at her desk, feeling good.

She opened her drawer and pulled out a white long envelope. I froze. I know what it is.

Am I ready for this?

“Doctor Lim sent this just a few minutes ago” she gave it to me and with cold, shaking hands, I took it.

I have the result in hand and I’m feeling indifferent. My heart is pounding at my throat, choking me every time I swallow. What’s written on the paper is going to dictate my future. A future that will extremely be different from what I pictured.

“I’m not ready for you yet” I put down the envelope on my desk, still sealed. I can feel the heaviness of it.

I haven’t think of the matter that well yet. I was about to, last night, but because Jiyong is with me (as if I can live in my head in his presence), I shrugged it off. Maybe I’ll get a grip of it later when my clinic is already empty.

Six hours in my duty, I’m still on a roll. My feet are giving up on me for I haven’t seated longer than fifteen minutes. I’m doing round not for myself only, but for another doctor as well who took an emergency leave just a couple of hours ago.

“I need the medical reports for wing A, please” I asked the on-duty nurse at station.

She is just staring at me, making me feel conscious. “Doctor Jeong, are you OK?”

I looked at her quizzically. “Yes” I answered a tone higher than normal. “I’m just…a little tired”

Odd, but after that nurse asked me if I’m OK, it seemed like the rest of the hospital staff see me sick, and I think I’m absorbing it for I don’t feel good anymore after my first night rounds.

“Oh…my!” I nearly trip on the stairs. Good thing, my reflexes are fast, I was able to hold onto the railing right away.

This is taking a toll on me already. I think I have to take a rest first and eat (I wasn’t able to have lunch because I was called to observe a surgery demo, and when I already have time, there was an emergency I need to attend to). If it weren’t for my assistant who is so caring to give me a clubhouse sandwich, I’ll starve until the end of my shift.

“Doctor Nam’s in your office” she said upon seeing me.

“All right!”

Walking in my office, “I know why you’re here” I told her.

As usual, she’s sitting on my chair, swinging left to right, wearing a wide smile on her face.

“I bumped into Doctor Lim after my rounds. Asked her about the result and she said it’s with you already. So…”

The stress I felt by seeing the envelope came back again.

I took a seat in front of my desk and sighed. “Yeah. She sent here this afternoon but I haven’t opened it yet” I reached out for the envelope, hand shaking. “This”

“You’re not ready to know it yet” she said and I take time to think about it.

The only way for me to be at peace is to know the result, but my heart and mind are battling for the other doesn’t wants to know already and the other does.

Think Areumie. Use your wonder brain to come up with a good decision. Prepare your heart of what might happen.

If it’s negative, there’s nothing to worry about at all. Positive, I have to take a big leap to take everything in, and most importantly, hope for things to still be at their right places after I announced it.

“You know what? Just cut the crap and open that coz the longer you keep it sealed, the longer you’ll be bothered by it. I know it’s not easy, but it’s the way it is. it up is all you have to do” Doctor Nam’s frank statement is on point. There’s no need to prolong the agony.

“But what if it’s positive?” my head is starting to ache from all the thoughts in it.

She sighed heavily and leaned closer. “If it’s yourself you’re thinking about, I’m confident you can get through it. But, if it’s Jiyong, you have to know that this can break the two of you, though I have a feeling that he’s up for it coz that man will do everything and take anything for you, even if it means he has to be a father to a baby that isn’t his”

Can I even let him take responsibility of my baby? When all these years he’s been carrying me on his shoulders already?

Honestly, I also have a feeling that he will take my child in and embrace it as his, without second thoughts. But I don’t think I can digest it knowing that he has to sacrifice a lot for me, AGAIN. Jiyong has done a lot for me more than anyone can give to a person, it’s indescribable.

With my mind still in a wreck, I brushed off every thought and decided to see the result already, while praying for it to be negative. Don’t get me wrong, I love to have a child but not when I’m not ready, most especially not with a married man who, no matter how I flip the world, will not take responsibility of me and the baby.

“!” Doctor Nam surprisingly said when I gave the paper to her.

POSITIVE. Written in bold letters, clearly.

“uhmm…” she stood up from her seat and walked to me. “I don’t know what to say to be honest”, then she hugged me tightly by the neck. “I guess I’ll just say congratulations”

I’m supposed to say Thank you in a happy tone, with the happiest face, for that’s how it usually is, but I can’t even pull out a smile.

“I’m doomed” is all I can say.

Doctor Nam slapped my arm lightly. “You’re not!” she faced me to her and looked deep into my eyes. “That baby is a blessing. Yeah, it came all too sudden, at the wrong time, but it’s already there. Embrace the fact that you’re already going to be a Mother and learn to love that baby, from now on”

It’s impossible not to love the baby, for no matter how I hate its Father, it’s still mine. I was a part of its making. My blood is also running in its veins.

“How will I break this to Jiyong?” I asked, still flabbergasted.

“How do you think will he take this?” Doctor Nam asked back.

“I have a strong feeling that he’ll accept it as his own” I answered.

“Are you good with it?”

Am I?

Just by thinking of all the things Jiyong has to deal with to go through this journey with me (his career is going to be the hardest to handle), I’m already going insane.

Yes, it’s going to be really good if he accepts my child. I’m sure he will convince me to get married to fully ‘seal the deal’, and though I’m not prepared for it yet, I will agree coz there’s nowhere to go to but there. Thing is, he still has a lot of plans for himself, goals that are yet to reach, and dreams to be made a reality. I don’t want to be the one holding him back.

“Honestly, it seemed easier to run away and start over without him than keep him with me” I blurted out after a long time of thinking, which made Doctor Nam gasp in surprise.

“You know you have a love that’s impossible to find. A love that is molded into near perfection, and you sounded like you’re already giving it up just because of this pregnancy” she said. “Areum, what you and Jiyong have is more than what most people wish for. I don’t think running away is the best solution”

“But I don’t want to hold him back from the things he wants to do”. I’m starting to feel emotional. “He still have a long way to go. Yes, he has achieved enough, but there’s still more to it. Letting him take this child is like cutting every good possibility, short. I’ve been a burden to him for so long already and because I know my situation now will be the biggest to date, I’d rather get through this alone. After all, there’s only so much he can do. Maybe it’s time for me to carry my own load”

With that in mind, and already aware of another human being inside me, I went home drained and completely at lost. I’m yet to make a final decision on whether to go on with my relationship with Jiyong or not.

*doorbell rings*

Please! It should not be…

It’s only been an hour since I got home and I’m still in my work clothes for I’m not functioning well at all.

“You just got home?” he asked, while walking in the apartment.

How am I going to pull this off?

He turned to look at me when I didn’t respond. “Yaaa….any problem?”

I try to hide it but my face does not keep secrets, not from him.

“Jiyong” I called, voice a little shaky. My eyes are already pooling in tears. “I think I have to break your heart and you have to break mine”

“Huh?”

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