Responsibility – heavy or not, is still something you have to stick on to. It’s the big ones that gets the best of us at times, but the most worth it.

“sshh…” it’s been a good three minutes that Yong has been crying “sshh…

At three in the morning, his crying can be heard all over the apartment.

I cannot remember the last time I had a good sleep. Ever since we came home from the hospital, I’m like a machine, working for long hours. Thank God for family who saves my sanity when I’m about to lose it already.

Yes, Motherhood is challenging but it is fun. It’s just that there are so many things that you have to sacrifice, like taking a bath and eating a decent meal. I do have people helping me, but I can’t rely on them so much for they got other important things to do too.

“Yong, what’s the problem?” I desperately talked to my son as if he’s going to give me an answer.

Babies cry so much and they can cry for straight minutes. In fact, this strengthens their lungs (just know that once their face color turned violet-ish, it’s not good anymore). Drag is, as a Mother, your child crying, especially not knowing why, is torturous.

Another minute in and Yong stopped crying, just to burst out again after a while. He doesn’t want to drink milk (I just fed him actually). His diaper is not wet nor have poop. I checked his temperature and he’s all good.

“Aigoo” Jiyong walked in the room, panicked. He just got home and hasn’t put down his things yet.

I looked at him with desperate and frustrated eyes, asking for rescue. “Help!” I exclaimed.

“Wait”. He dashed out of the room and came back minutes after, wearing fresh clothes. “I don’t want to hold him without washing my hands and changing clothes”, then he carried Yong.

There isn’t a bit of fear or hesitation in Jiyong carrying a newborn. It’s like he has done it so many times when truth is, he rarely sees babies for most of his friends doesn’t have children yet. Also, most men, fathers included, are so afraid of holding a baby, because they feel like one wrong movement and the baby will break a bone.

“He’s been crying for some time now. He just ate. His diaper is clean. I don’t know what’s going on” I ranted, and in a snap of a finger, “I feel like a bad Mother!” and I breakdown.

It shocked the heck out of Jiyong. He’s now with a crying baby and its Mother whose sanity is on the brink.

“Calm down” he tucked Yong in his arm comfortably well and wrapped his other arm around my shoulders. He’s like rocking the two of us to hush. “sshh…it’s all good” he said. I just don’t know if it’s for me or my son, maybe both.

What I’m feeling is indescribable. I’m telling you, it’s like my emotions are being played and it’s a really bad game. If this is a part of post-partum, then it’s going to be really bad.

“Omo!” Jiyong snapped as I heard a puking sound. “Aigoo” he held the baby up and rubbed its back gently. Once Yong is done, he put him down on the bed, secured with big pillows surrounding him. Relieved, “He just need to burp” Jiyong told me, and all I can do is stare at him.

How many men can still smile after a baby puke on them? I bet, only a few. He got it all over his branded shirt and he doesn’t seem to care at all.

“I can’t even make my own baby burp” I cried harder in disappointment.

Call me dramatic, but I just can’t take it. “All I want is to do good. I know so many things about babies and children. I cure them, watch over their health and stuff. Spotless! How can’t I burp my baby? It’s so simple and yet I cannot even tell when he’s gonna go!” This is the wrath of a frustrated Mother. I told you, it’s not going to be good.

Surprisingly cool and calm, Jiyong got a wet tissue, wiped the vomit off his shirt and sit on the bed. We’re facing each other with Yong in between us, looking like nothing happened. “Listen to me” his voice is a little low “Not good in burping your child doesn’t make you a bad Mother. It just happened that you haven’t got the grip of it yet. A bad Mother is abandoning her child, while you…” he pointed at me “…are doing everything for your child. Knowing a lot about babies medically is different from raising one. There are still a lot to learn, but you don’t have to be disappointed because there’s no rush in learning them. Little by little, you’ll master everything and before you know it, Yong is already in college, with a girlfriend and is only calling you once a week” he laughed at his own crazy imagination “That is, if you’re lucky. If not, calls will only come once a month”

He never fails to talk me out of my issues. If I’m alone, I surely bawled out already.

After that, I felt better. We made Yong sleep and decided to have a super early breakfast since none of us will spare time for it later. Too bad, I still cannot drink wine for I’m feeding. He, is already on his second glass.

“It’s been…what? A month now. Seriously, time should slow down” he said, while chewing a bit of sandwich that I made for him.

I sighed. “Time flies by so fast. It’s crazy!”

Honestly, a month with a newborn feels fast. It’s like, I just gave birth to him yesterday but he’s growing every second. I’m afraid when I wake up tomorrow, he’s already talking.

“How’s life?” I haven’t talked to him with just the two of us, without a crying baby or the rest of the family going gaga over the baby.

From the way he looks, I can easily tell that he’s beyond tired. I’m used to seeing him like this before an album release, during promotion, and world tour, but I can’t help not to worry for he hasn’t been hectic for so long. Not to mention, the chaos in his apartment, sure adds up to the stress.

While twirling his wine glass, “Tough but fun. Concert preps are going well. Just that, there are a lot on my plate that I’m doing my best to eat” he take a breath and exhaled heavily “Oh well, maybe I’m still adjusting for it’s been two years since I last had a concert”

I hold his hand on the table and smiled. “Jiyongie, you can do it! You’re G-dragon! One of Korea’s music legends. Things must’ve been hard, but there’s nothing you cannot do. You’ve done the impossible. Just think of the millions of people waiting for this show. And…” I ran my thumb on his knuckles “…always remember that the whole family’s behind you”

My emotions are playing me once again. I’m no longer pregnant, but still hormonal. Jiyong is emotional as well. It can be because of exhaustion and stress.

He kissed my hand and chuckled. “I’ll give Yong an inflatable crown lightstick”

I giggled. “He’s the youngest VIP”

“Aigoo” he likes the idea. “Maybe he can watch the concert” he said, already visualizing it.

“Jiyongie, he’ll only be four months old by that time” I told him.

But, wouldn’t that be cool? A four month old in a concert, and when he’s grown up, he will share to his friends that he’s been to one of the coolest shows ever produced.

After the jokes and the fun stories, the topic of the future pops in which made us serious. We’ve had this talk ever since I can remember, but with the changes that happened, in some way, our view of the future also changed.

“Do you really want to go back to your apartment? I mean, I know it’s your home and that’s where you and Yong really should be, but…” he paused and suddenly zoned out.

According to Dami Unnie, Jiyong had confided to her about my son and I moving out of his apartment. She said that he cannot imagine a day without us, for he’s been used to it. He’s also worried that I may not be able to handle things alone, unlike when I’m here where help is always available. Most of the time I don’t even need to call for it because the family does it without being asked.

I sighed. “Jiyongie, that’s how it should be. We cannot stay here for good. You have to have your privacy, and with a kid at home, it’s a little impossible. Not to mention, the noise. You go home, tired from a whole day of work. Of course, you want some peace, not a crying a baby”

“But I’m all good with that!” he countered. “What will happen to you once you guys go back to your place? It’s just going to be you taking care of him. What if he cannot burp and cries all night? What if you want to go to the bathroom but can’t because he’s awake and you can’t leave him alone even just for a minute? How will you eat when cooking is impossible? Have you thought of these? Like, for real?”

As a matter of fact, I have thought of all these and it’s enough to drive me nuts. But, there are so many Mothers like me who are taking care of their babies all alone. If they can do it, I can too. It’s just a matter of getting used to.

“You can always visit us anyway. You know, stay for a whole day to play with Yong”. There are just enough words to comfort and assure him.

A moment of silence.

“When are you planning to go back to work?” It seems like he got all his questions listed in mind for me.

Work. Yeah, work.

“To be honest, I don’t know yet. But, I’ll surely go back since I have to earn for Yong. Dami Unnie told me that I can leave Yong to a babysitter or a day care center when he’s old enough to be left, that’s around six months old or eight”

Furious, Jiyong looked at me in disbelief. “You’re going to leave Yong to a stranger? Seriously?” He take a deep breath and exhaled heavily. “The ones who does that to their kids doesn’t have any other options”

I pointed at myself. “Do I have an option?”

He’s obviously pissed. “Bring him to Omma and Appa or Noona, or call them to your house. I’m sure they’ll be delighted”

No! I won’t do that! As much as they love Yong and as much I love having them around, I cannot let them shoulder my child when I know so well they have other things to do, and adding up to it is not humane anymore.

“I don’t want to disturb them. Jiyongie…” I looked straight into his eyes “I’ll figure things out”

Not in the mood to argue anymore, “Fine!” then sighed. All of a sudden, he giggled “I will bring him with me to YG”. He was whispering to himself but I heard it anyway.

Gosh Kwon Jiyong, you just wouldn’t listen. His love for Yong is beyond words, it’s overwhelming. My son is as lucky as I am to have him.

“Hmm…I’m not supposed to say this, but…” his voice tells me that whatever he’s going to say is something serious.

“What about?” I asked curiously and anxiously.

I’m trying to read him but for some reason, I can’t get through. His blank expression is not helping at all. This is making my nerves shoot up.

“Hong shik” he said, and I instinctively hissed. Clearing his throat, “He…” he stared at me for a while then sighed, “He went to YG a while ago”

“Don’t tell me he’s going to be a trainee”

He shook his head. “He made an appointment with me. I don’t have any plans to entertain him but I did for some reason”

“O…K”

He is speaking to me carefully, maybe thinking that I might explode and scold the out of him for meeting up with that liar. “Hong shik’s wife died after giving birth to their second child”

This is something. I feel really bad for their children. Just by thinking about the little boy who has special needs is enough to make me cry. What more a baby who won’t be able to feel how it’s like to have a Mother.

I’m speechless.

“According to him, the children are with his Mother in-law in Daejon. His job as a performer cannot shoulder all of their expenses, including the growing debt that they used for his wife’s delivery”

I can see sympathy on Jiyong’s hazel eyes. His heart is crushing for Hong shik and his children, and mine does too.

“So, he took the chance to meet me, for according to him he cannot think of other people who can help him” he continued.

“Did you give him a job?” I asked, wishing that he did.

When he nodded, I sighed in relief. “I’m sending him to Jeju to be a barista at Monsant. He’ll be away from his children, but that’s the only job I can give him, for getting him in YG will be a lot of work and he needs a job as soon as possible”

A good heart, this is what Jiyong has. Imagine, Hong shik used him to be known and even made false stories about him just to earn from tabloids, but here he is, helping him. No wonder, God is blessing him with so much.

“He asked how you’re doing” Jiyong followed up, bringing shivers down my spine.

“And?”

“I told him you’re doing great. He also told me that he’s so guilty because of what he did to you. I said you might forgive him, in time”. The way he said it is like he’s totally convinced that I’ll really be able to forgive Hong shik one day.

Well, I might, but it doesn’t mean that we’ll be friends again, nor will I tell him about my son.

“You didn’t tell him about Yong?” I said nervously.

Jiyong knows so well that I don’t have any plans on telling Hong shik about my son, but he might’ve forgotten about it and unconsciously blurted it out. If so, I’ll go ballistic.

He looked at me weirdly. “Of course not!”

I sighed in great relief. “Thank God!”

He hissed. “I know I have a big mouth” the moment he said this, I burst out laughing. “But that secret is safe with me, for as long as you want me to” then he laughed “I still want to live long, and if I tell it, I’m sure to be killed by you”

I leaned over the table “Good thing you know” I said while patting his shoulder.

We exchanged high fives and I intertwined my fingers to his. I stare at him with appreciation and he looked back at me intently. Once again, my heart is banging in my chest. I am controlling myself not to give in to the strong feeling I’ve been locking in all this time.

“Thank you” I said, after a while.

He smiled. “For what?”

I swallowed hard. “For…helping people in need. Like, me and Hong shik”

He leaned over. His face, so close to mine. Lips, just a few inches away. “I’m more than happy to help” he said and to my shock, gave me a quick kiss.

That was smooth, though I kind of saw it coming.

“Yah!” I yelled.

He grinned and did a peace sign. “Sorry. I just have to do that for my sanity”

“You’re sick in the head!” I called out while he’s walking out of the dining area.

“I’m also sick in the heart!” he called back. “Peace! Have a good sleep! I know, I will!”

                                             ****