JIYONG

Love extinguishes anger and love can also add fuel to the fire.

Have you ever felt so angry that all you want is to punch somebody for release?

I am trembling in anger upon seeing Areum. I cannot believe that she can still smile and greet people cheerfully while Emma just had the worst day of her life because her own mother ditched her. My poor daughter tried so hard to put a smile on her face and enjoy the party, but she can only do enough. Right after the festivities, she ran to our room and cried her lungs out. Good thing her best friend, Maddy, is here to somehow keep her company and comfort her.

“She should be here…she promised me she’s going to be here” Emma told Maddy and me in between hiccups. “Mom has forgotten my birthday…she didn’t even greet me” her small voice sounds so sad, it’s breaking my heart. “When we were still in Chicago she will wake me up with kisses and hug me very tight…and greet me a Happy Birthday…I miss that” pain washed over her angelic face while recalling the moment.

“I HATE MOM!” to my surprise, she shouted and threw a pillow to the floor. I know it’ll only count not even a minute until a breakdown, and when it started, all hell broke loose.

For fifteen minutes or so, I let her bawl out. She screamed, kicked her and even threw punches on a pillow. I’m in shock as I witness another side of my child I’m hoping not to see ever again. As much as I want to scold her for the unexpected act, I realized letting her is better, for her to be able to release the pain and anger, and disappointment she’s been feeling the whole day.

The noise coming from our room is so loud, it alarmed Omma and Appa who rushed to see what’s going on and all they can do is watch with me.

“I cannot take this” Omma walked out with tears filling up her eyes.

Appa sighed and squeezed my shoulder “She’ll get tired after some time...once she’s finished…let her rest already…if she doesn’t want to talk…don’t push it…do it tomorrow instead” he advised me as I watch my daughter carefully, for she’s near a glass display on the bedside table.

“Areum is looking for you Jiyong-ah” my Aunt told me when I bumped into her on my way to the kitchen to get Emma a glass of water. Appa and Maddy are watching over her while her meltdown continues.

Areum has been here for a while now but hasn’t seen any of the kids and me yet. Honestly, I’m not in the mood to face her. She can wait. After all, she’s got her friends with her as well as Kara and the Thompsons. I know we will see each other later, but for now, my priority is Emma. I have to think of a good way to lighten her heavy feelings. And, I won’t just comfort her, but I will tell her about her inappropriate behavior as well. This is a test for me and I’m not going to fail. I cannot fail.

After spending a few minutes in the kitchen, I went back to the room with a glass of water in hand. I walked in with Emma still crying loudly, now sitting in a corner, face buried in between her knees.

“She’s calming down a bit” Appa said when I walked over to him “I’ll leave first” he went to Emma and kissed the top of her head before going out of the room.

“You go find Ethan first, Maddy” I told the little girl who is obviously shocked of what she just witnessed “Uncle wants to talk to Emma alone”

Looking at me with puppy eyes, “But…” pity is all over her face. She looked at Emma and back to me. With a sigh, “Alright” she gave in and hurried out of the room.

“Maddy!” Emma called out, screaming for her best friend “MADDDDY!!!” she was about to run after her when I caught her. She keeps on wriggling out as I hold her still. This is harder than I thought. After seeing her sitting in a corner, I thought her emotions will die down a little but I was wrong. She became more aggressive after and at one point I felt like I’m about to lose it too. Fortunately, I was reminded of who I am to this child and what I’m supposed to do with her.

“Emma” One thing I keep on reminding myself is to stay cool. The last thing I want is to flare up because if that happens, we’ll totally end our birthday in a bad light.

Still trying to wriggle out by slipping to the floor and crawling, I pulled her up so that she’s standing, facing me.  I crouched down to meet her eye, brushed her hair out of her face, and wiped her tears.

“Emma” she is now trying to remove my hands on her arms with so much force “Emma…listen to Daddy” she met eyes with me as fresh tears rolls down her cheeks “Daddy knows how you feel” I wiped her tears with the sleeve of my sweater “You are disappointed and angry at Mom…but princess….” I was able to pull out a pity smile “There’s no need to act up…the screaming…kicking and punching…are not good” my voice is low and calm, but definitely gives off a Dad feel “You should’ve just talked to me about how you’re feeling…I will listen”

Thank goodness my daughter calmed down again. She’s crying silently while listening to me.

“One more thing” I let go of her and sighed in relief that she’s not trying to escape anymore “You said you hate Mom” the moment she heard this, her face tightened “Isn’t that too much?” I asked and she just stared at me “Emma…remember this…” I looked straight into her eyes “We will NEVER hate Mom…yes…she forgot to greet you and wasn’t there at your party…but it’s not a reason to hate her” I swallowed hard as she slides down and sit on the floor. I did the same. “Mom has a good reason for sure as to why she wasn’t able to make it…I swear…she feels bad for skipping our party and not greeting us...for if there’s one person who wants to be here so bad…it’s her”

“But…she could’ve greeted us Daddy”

I sighed and carried her to my lap, “What do we know? Maybe she lost her phone or forgot it in the apartment”.

Without words, Emma hugged me tightly. She’s once again crying hard and all I can do is rub her back for comfort. I can feel regret in her and it’s enough to tell me that I’ve done a good job in talking her out of her misery. I told you, I’m not going to fail this.

After her meltdown, she fell asleep in my arms in exhaustion. As much as she wants to play with the kids outside, she cannot even keep her eyes open anymore. It took me some time to leave her because every time I get up from bed, she wakes up and hugs me. I was only able to leave after making sure she’s in deep sleep already.

I finally decided to go out to the backyard and saw a number of guests still having fun chatting and drinking. My members and some of my friends are gathered in one long table, drinking wine over biscuits and cheese. As I’m on my way to their table, I saw the man Areum came with talking with Dr. Nam and Kara. My eyes are fixed on him. By his looks I can tell he’s younger than us by a few years. He got a clean look that male Doctors have, but I can tell right out that he’s not the type Areum wants. The guy has a good boy vibes which is the total opposite of what my “Best friend” likes.

“Tss…” I just saw my Noona snob Areum. As much as I want to call her out, I just brushed it off.

People close to me knows how much I hate confrontations, though inevitable, I prefer to stay out of it if possible. But today is definitely different. My emotions are so high, I couldn’t control it. I gave Areum no chance to talk when we came face to face after many months, and basically shredded her into pieces.

“That’s crazy Jiyong!” she flared out “YOU ARE CRAZY!” she shouted, making the people look our way “You have no right to prohibit me from seeing my children!” just like Emma, she’s throwing a fit, only a bit controlled. “THEY ARE MY KIDS TOO JIYONG!” her voice is ringing in my ears “THEY ARE NOT JUST YOURS…THEY ARE OURS!”

“I cannot believe this!” she threw her hands up in the air “You’re such an !” she smirked and straightened herself out. “You…are…an…!”

I faked a laugh, “Yes…I am” I countered.

“Ha!” she pointed at me “Maybe you’re just toying with my feelings…seriously Jiyong…you don’t have to talk …this is not the right time for it”

I shake my head “I never said anything I didn’t mean” I told her while looking at her intensely.

She froze. Areum finally realized that I’m not joking. “NO! YOU CANNOT DO THIS!” she shouted and pushed me.

I cannot believe this is happening. What’s more unbelievable is we are not alone. There are people around, people close to us who saw us grow together, witnessing all of this. We are at the same place where a party just happened. The laughter and festivities are now replaced by fighting. How ironic, isn’t it?

“I’m giving you two choices” I take a deep breath “One…keep out for a while…no communication…no visitations…no nothing”

Areum laughed bitterly “Crazy!” she mouthed.

“Two…I’ll bring the kids to Japan where I’ll be staying for a while with Big Bang…you can visit...” I said and pointed at her “That is…if you have time for it…but I doubt…cos I’m sure you won’t have any”

You must hate me now because of the way I’m acting and treating Areum. I’m sorry, but keeping her out of the kids’ life for a while is the only thing I can think of to protect them from getting hurt and disappointed. After seeing how Emma acted a while ago, I feel like I already have a trauma with meltdowns for it’s such a horrific sight. As their Father, all I want is for them to be happy and with their Mother disappointing and failing them over and over again, happiness is impossible. They are children. They can’t take pain and sadness like us adults.

Also, with the kids out of the way, she can focus on her studies more. She will have enough time in her hands to do what needs to be done.

“Fine!” Areum’s aura suddenly changed. She wiped her tears, pulled herself together and looked at me with piercing eyes “I choose one” she take a deep breath and exhaled heavily “I will keep out…just don’t bring them out of the country”

I nod in agreement, “It’s a deal then”

 “But keep this in mind Jiyong…” she moved closer to me “After all this…I will make sure you’ll regret this stupid deal” she threatened.

Silently, Areum and her friends left without a sight of even Ethan. My heart dropped straight to my feet as she goes farther away until she completely disappears. I’m cursing myself for letting my emotions rule me, but what’s done is done, I cannot bring back what happened.

“What!” Omma and Noona said in unison after I told them about the deal I had with Areum. “Are you out of your mind Jiyong?” Noona is mad “Areum has been an just this once…why torture her so much? Yes…seeing Emma miserable is heartbreaking and traumatizing…but it’s not right to decide in a snap to keep your kids’ Mother out of their lives”

She leaned forward towards me “Jiyong…this isn’t going to be your kids’ first and last major disappointment…they will get it more as they grow older…you cannot shield them from it”

Yes, I can’t. But, I will, as much as possible.

“Don’t be stupid, son” Appa speaks up “If you keep this deal…do you think it will fix anything? Do you think Emma will cheer up knowing her Mom is going to be M.I.A for a while? And…do you think by the end of all this Areum is still going to be the Areum we raised…love…and know?” Appa is as furious as Noona and Omma “You just took away her life which are her children…if I were you…think twice about this stupid deal of yours…be sure of what you want and be sure of yourself…don’t lock out the person you know you cannot live without either”

Now I can say that I’m a fool because instead of listening to my family, I acted like nothing was said and like nothing happened. It’s the wee hours of the night and I’m still drinking. It’s a few hours after my birthday and it’s crazy to think that I didn’t enjoy it as I expected. I feel like yesterday is just an ordinary day aside from when my kids greeted me a happy birthday and surprised me with gifts. For one, Areum isn’t here to celebrate with me. All the while I thought, now that she’s back here again, my birthday will be more special, but I’m wrong.

“Jiyong”

Omma shocked me. Why is she still awake at this hour?

She joined me on the couch as I put away the bottles of wine I emptied, trying really hard to look sober. I faced her, “Why are you still up, Omma?”

She sighed and handed me a gift “Areum left this with Kara before she left…she also has a gift for Emma…I left it on her bedside table for her to see it first thing in the morning”

Areum hates giving me gifts because according to her I already have everything. So to be different, she usually make her gifts, like the beanie she knitted for me birthdays ago that I have worn on stage for so many times. I always receive good gifts, but hers will always be the best.

With the alcohol slowly wearing off my system, I opened the medium sized box. In it is a pearl white photo frame with a picture of us when we’re still kids in it, and a handwritten letter on fragrant paper.

  Dearest Jiyongie,

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You might be thinking, “What the heck! Areumie gave me another photo frame!”

Well…yes, it’s another photo frame but the photo in it is seriously a treasure that I will never EVER want to lose. I found it in one of the boxes that Omma and Appa owns. Believe it or not, I took a time off from school and went back to our old house in Itaewon. It’s been years since I last been there and I must say, it brought back different memories of when I still have my family with me. I cannot believe that up until now, that house is still standing, not as beautiful as it was before but still in good shape. I thank Kwon Omma for taking care of it all these years.

You know, the real reason why I went there is not to have a throwback, but to look for this picture of us when we were still little. I don’t know if you can still remember but this is our very first picture together. This is the first time we sit in one table near the big window of your family’s small restaurant. Dami Unnie snapped a picture of us using her Polaroid camera and teased you after, saying “Jiyong’s got a girlfriend” in a singsong voice. You were so shy then, your ears turned red as well as your face.

While staring at our picture, I cannot help but be emotional. If only we can reset everything and go back to that time when our problems are too petty. Yours will always be your Science and Math homework, while mine is how to convince my Parents to buy me a bike which was easily solved by you by lending me your bike…No…wait…it’s more like you giving it to me because you didn’t even bother to get it back. Well Kwon Jiyong, you’re lucky, because the bike is still in our storage room. It’s too old to be used but it can be a good souvenir of our friendship.

One more thing, that picture reminds of the beginning of my colorful life. I was like a blank canvass painted by you using all the colors this world has to offer, giving me life, a life that will never be as fun and thrilling if our paths didn’t cross.

Twenty years later, here we are, with two beautiful kids in tow but with our friendship messed up. I don’t know how we got here, what happened, and what to expect, but one thing is for sure, we can get through these hard days. We are just being tested by the universe. You know so well that I don’t give up on the people who mean the world to me. Jiyongie, you are my world, together with our children. I’m never giving up on you. It might take time to get us back on track, but I’m willing to work hard for it and I’m hoping you feel the same way too. I will never get tired of you. Of this. OF US. Just hang in there, Jiyongie!

I love you more than you know,

Your Areumie.

                                          ****

“No…no!” I rushed out of her room to the living room where Youngbae and TOP Hyung are “She’s not here…as well as her things”