Hiding your true feelings for a person is tough, mixed with confusion, is tougher. But if things are much better kept, then endure the hardship and let time take it away.

“Ow”

The door behind me opened, making me fall, back first on the neighbour’s marbled floor. Gravity is a . I didn’t have the time to save myself.

“Ah!’

Jiyong wasn’t able to save himself as well, but I lessened his pain, for instead of falling face first on the floor, he fell right on top of me. His impact on my body made me breathless for seconds.

“Aigoo” old lady, Ms. Lee (she’s seventy-five years old. Single), tried pulling Jiyong up, holding his arm with her shaking hands. Before pushing himself up, he looked at me, and just stayed that way until I looked away. “Thank you, Halmeoni” he said to the old lady, when she really didn’t do much.

Ms. Lee patted his cheek, like every elder do to their youngsters. “I didn’t do much” she said, and Jiyong smiled at her.

I’m still on the floor though, lying flat. I’m feeling every inch of my body and it seems like I didn’t break anything, maybe I’ll just get bruises from this.

“Aigoo” Ms. Lee noticed me, having a hard time sitting up. She poked Jiyong, “Help her up” she told him, and he finally remembered me.

My nerves are shooting up for the crazy reasons when he carefully lifted me up, holding my arms. “Tell me what’s painful” he said, looking worried. I smiled and shook my head “Nothing. I’m fine”. He looked at me quizzically, “Are you sure?”

“Ye...”

Well, not really. My hips in stabbing pain when I took a step. “Carry her” Ms. Lee instructed Jiyong, “Bring her in” she sounded so worried, “Careful” she watched as he carries me, bridal style.

Walking to the old lady’s living room, he doesn’t look tired at all. I guess they’re right, I’m light as a feather. I should be eating more.

“Ouch!” I yelped when he put me down on the couch. My hips are throbbing in pain. My fall was bad after all. “I’ll get you a hot compress” Ms. Lee rushed to her kitchen.

This is my first time to be in her apartment. When I moved in, in this building, she gave me a container of her homemade kimchi as a welcome gift. I just see her whenever she brings out garbage, and a smile is always on her face. My other neighbour, Mrs. Yoon, and I had a talk about a year ago, and she told me that Ms. Lee doesn’t have a husband. She’s known in our building as the lonely woman with the softest heart, for she always lends a hand to those in need.

“Turn to your stomach” she instructed, and I did it with Jiyong’s help. “Oh!” my eyes go big when Ms. Lee pulled down my pants, just a few inches to the top of my crack.

“There” she carefully placed the hot compress on my lower back, easing my pain bit by bit. “Aigoo, Doctor. I’m sorry for what happened. If I didn’t open the door, you wouldn’t get into this accident” her voice is so soft, it’s so good in the ears. It feels like my Halmeoni is talking to me.

Still on my stomach, I turned my head to her direction, “There’s no need to apologize, Halmeoni” I said, “You don’t know I was outside. It was my fault”. She my back, very gently, “Why are you leaning on the door anyway?”

I froze. How can I explain?

My silence said it. “Alright. I won’t force you to answer” she said, as if understanding even without hearing anything from me.

Seriously, Ms. Lee is like an angel. I know it’s so much for a description but her aura is just so pure, like all she knows to do are good things.

Being a Doctor doesn’t mean you don’t need to be nursed. Believe it or not, we are the ones who needed nursing the most, for we tend to forget all we know when in pain.

Thirty minutes passed and Ms. Lee is giving her all to relieve my pain. Jiyong on the other hand, is just watching her do her thing. Actually, her way of nursing is old school, but it’s working wonders for me.

“Are you sure you can sit now?” she asked in a sweet voice. I smiled and give a thumb up. Carefully and slowly, I pushed myself to sit, with Jiyong helping me halfway.

“Omo! You two look so good together” Ms. Lee looked so delighted. If she only know how awkward it is to us. “Thank you, Halmeoni” Jiyong speak up all of a sudden, making me look at him in surprise. “You’ve been together for so long already, right? Are you planning to get married?”

 This question got us.

I knew it. Just like the others, she also mistaken us as lovers.

With an awkward smile, “We’re not…” I pointed at Jiyong and I, back and forth, thinking of the right words to say. Ms. Lee jerked up in surprise. “Omo! I’m sorry”. Jiyong chuckled “It’s alright, Halmeoni. We’re always mistaken” he told her coolly. “We’re best friends”

And I was reminded of it once again. Thanks, Jiyongie!

“Best friends” Ms. Lee’s voice became sweeter, and her, brighter. I can tell she remembered a good memory. She looked at us lovingly, and our smiles go wider.

“You know what? I once had a Best friend”. The tone of her voice is so fit for storytelling. “We were neighbours. His Omma always ask my Omma to watch over him while she’s at work. We grew up as each other’s playmates. I remember crying whenever he can’t come to our house to play” she giggled by the thought of it.

At this point, Jiyong and I are all ears. We were so interested, both of us are leaning forward (even when my hip is still a bit painful), to hear Ms. Lee clearly.

“When we became teenagers, our world got bigger. Our friends doubled, but we still stick together. His hobbies became my hobbies, and my favorites, became his, even with color” her smile widened.  “And then, in our twenties, our friendship was tested”

Strange, but I heard this ‘ba-bam-ba-bam’ sound effect in my head, like that of a thriller movie, while waiting for her to continue the story.

With a sigh, “All of a sudden, we’re confused of what should we really be. Lovers or Friends. It’s so tricky, it took us a lot of courage to think of what to do about it” Ms. Lee is less excited, and as the tone of her voice gets sadder, my heart is preparing to be broken.

“We decided to be lovers. At first, our relationship is just the same when we’re still best friends, only more intimate. But, as time passes by, we drifted off from the friendship. We ended up looking for other friends to be our breathers when we play that role to each other before. That’s when misunderstandings spark up. In a snap, we see each other as monsters. Monsters that eats up your sanity and drain you dry. The friendship is totally gone and what’s left is regret. Regret that up until this day, I live with”

“Oh!” I glared at Jiyong when he elbowed me. He rolled his eyes and handed me his handkerchief.

I’m crying. It may be petty for some, but to me, it’s bigger than Earth. Her story is another wake up call. It seems like the universe is throwing these calls at me in one go to drop off unnecessary feelings.

Ms. Lee is emotional as well. I bet she has told her story for a million times, but the impact is still the same, as if it just happened.

“We broke up, with him just leaving for another country without a word. No goodbyes” she tried to smile, but her sadness covered it up. “A few years after, I heard he got married. And a year after that, he had his first child. As a friend, I’m so happy for him, but as an ex-lover, I was shattered into pieces. I decided not to be with someone again, after him. After all, I don’t think I can”

My heart goes out to Ms. Lee. Now I know why she’s growing old alone, and I don’t want that to happen to me. Yes, Jiyong and I can be different, but there’s no assurance.

Walking to my apartment after almost two hours in Ms. Lee’s, Jiyong and I are silent. We’re both in deep thoughts. Until we entered my apartment, none of us are talking. I went straight to my room and locked myself in the bathroom. Still in my head, I stood in front of the body mirror and just stared at myself.

My puffy eyes tell how much I cried a while ago. Ms. Lee’s story really got me, like every word pierced right through my heart.

There’s really no happy ending in a situation like ours. Sure, there are some, and they are the lucky ones. I never thought that this time will come, when confusion seeps in, making us question ourselves.

“Dinner’s ready” Jiyong looked like he already pulled himself together. Giving my most natural smile, I walked to the counter island and took a seat. Peeking at the food, “Looks delish!” I said, but he scoffed. “Hong Shik made that”, then he placed a serving plate full of egg rolls “Sorry. This is all I can make” he said bitterly.

Rolling my eyes, I picked up my chopsticks and put two pieces of egg roll in my mouth, one after another. With my mouth full, “Yum!”

Playfully, he held my cheeks and squeezed my face, making me spit out bits of egg rolls. “Yah!” I leaned over and slapped his arm. He laughed. “Swallow them fast. Let’s have a game”

Food games have been part of our meals since forever, and punishments are getting more intense.

“No…way” my eyes almost popped out upon seeing how many red chili he got from my spice container. Smiling sheepishly, he cut them into pieces and chicly put them in the hot stew that Hong Shik made (seeds included).

“Oh!” he scrunched his nose cutely “The smell is too strong”. “My stomach is turning already” I told him, as he continues stirring the stew.

The smell of fresh chilli is all over the apartment. It’s too strong, you’ll sweat even without tasting it. Whatever Jiyong’s reason for doing this, it’s the craziest.

Holding two bowls, he stared at me. His smile is not as bright as it usually is. Like me, I know there are a lot of thoughts clouding his mind.

He looked away after a while, clearing his throat while placing the bowls on the counter island, beside the pot of hot stew. Focused, he filled the bowls, and all I can do is prepare for the spiciest moment of my life.

“First to empty the bowl, wins” he sounded like the referees in a match. I rolled my eyes, “Whatever”. This is the silliest competition we’ve done, that I’m sure comes with the silliest punishment too.

“Ready?” Jiyong is playing it cool. Oh well, his tolerance in spices is superb. He once ate a jalapeno rich pizza (I dared him to), and munched it deliciously (he was soaked in sweat after).

In my case, I’m no good at it. I can eat food with a bit of kick, but cannot handle any more than that. It’s also an embarrassment whenever I eat something spicy, because my nose’s tip turns red that lasts for a very long time. Jiyong tricks me to eat spicy food sometimes, just to see my Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer nose, and have a good laugh.

“Go!” I cued and chowed down the stew.

The moment I felt the bite of it, I stopped. I’ll just take whatever punishment Jiyong will give than burn my tongue. In front of me, he is sipping the soup like water.

With my mouth hanged open in awe, I watched him eat the meat in his manliest way ever. “You’re sick in the head, Jiyongie” I told him, feeling bad for him because I’m sure his whole mouth, maybe even his stomach is on fire.

Silence.

Sniffing.

Sniffing.

“Yah!”

It’s too late. Jiyong grabbed the pot of stew, placed it in front of him and chow it down. All I can do is watch him.

His behavior is a big question mark to me. He’s been sniffing and crying and salivating and sweating. I don’t even want to imagine how hot his whole body feels right now. He won. Shouldn’t I be the one with the punishment?

“Done?” I asked, reaching for the pot. “Yah! What were you thinking?”

In a hurry, I dashed to the refrigerator and got a carton of milk. “Chug this down” I gave it to him and he stubbornly put it down. “Seriously, you’re going Sparta?” I laughed, but he didn’t.

He is intriguing me more now with his actions. Obviously, this isn’t for show off because it’s too petty and childish. Jiyong isn’t playing, there’s a reason behind this.

“Beer! You prefer it than milk” I said, giving out a cheeky smile. Until I remembered, “! I think I don’t have any in the fridge. Hong Shik’s been chugging one can after another”. I snapped my fingers, “Milk Chocolate! I know you’re no fan of sweets, but I have our favorite”. I looked at him, smiling widely, while playfully moving my eyebrows.

He’s looking back at me, tears rolling down his cheeks. If you only know how hard it is to pretend to be cheerful, while the other person is suffering.

“Aigoo” I pulled my long sleeve to my hand and wiped the sweat on his forehead. “I swear, you’re going to have gastritis in a while” I told him and wiped off his sweat again.

It was a little awkward though, because he’s staring at me while doing it. I’m just ignoring it. I really want this whole thing to die down, so that we can go back to our selves already.

“Yaaa” my voice unexpectedly sounded sweet, which I’m shocked about. Pinching his wet cheek, “Drink a glass of milk or beer now. Just by looking at the sides of your mouth, I can tell that it’s burning”

Silence.

“Omo!” I was surprised when he stood up all of a sudden. Our eyes are almost the same level. He’s staring at me in the most uncomfortable way.

“Yah!” I was about to cross my arms on my chest when he pulled me by the wrist. I crushed onto him. Our faces are only inches away from each other. The strong smell of chili every time he breathes is really bad.

“Mm!”

This isn’t real…

This isn’t real…

This is…

With his hand holding my nape, he moved me closer to him, deepening the kiss. He just crushed his lips on mine, catching me off guard. My head is twirling. My eyes that were wide open for seconds are now closed. And my lips are are feeling his soft lips really well.

Kissing back is not what I’m actually supposed to do, but my emotions are wrecked. I stepped beyond the line of my limit, and he does too.

I can taste the spiciness in my mouth, causing me to sweat as well. As much as I hate the burning feeling of it, I don’t want to stop. I cannot stop, even when I know so well that I have to.

The longer it gets, the bolder it becomes. The moment he stick his tongue out, I’m certain that more than a kiss can happen.

“Mm!”

He carried me, my legs wrapped around his waist, out of the kitchen. Our lips locked, and tongues doing something crazy. Him, French kissing is really the most disgusting thought for me, but now that he’s doing it with me, I’m elated.

“Oh my gosh!” I looked behind me with eyes wide open. We just knocked something down.

Panting, we looked at each other, both sweaty and tomato faced. “What is it?” I asked, and he looked down, still carrying me. He sighed. “Our family picture”

This brought us to our senses. What a good timing!

Uneasy, he put me down. I smiled at him as my feet touched the floor and he smiled back. “I’ll clean it” he said and rushed to get the broom and dust pan.

I got dizzy all of a sudden. Maybe it’s because of the spiciness in my mouth or the thought that Jiyong and I made-out, and nearly made-love.

Sitting on the couch with the family picture in hand, I started feeling guilty. What happened should’ve not happen if I didn’t let him. Now, I have to face its consequences.

“Too curious?” I asked coolly when he sat down beside me. He drank milk from the carton and gave it to me after. Good thing he knows what he put me in to. My mouth is on fire after the kiss.

“I’m sorry. Really, sorry” he said, not looking at me though. I smirked. “Next time, if you want to try something to satisfy your curiosity, at least give me a head’s up”

Silence.

His silence is now making me nervous and anxious at the same time.

“Aaahh!!!” he groaned, and all I can do is stare at him. And then I burst out in laughter. Elbowing his side, “You got me there” I joked, making him look at me with big eyes. I take in a breath and exhaled slowly. “French Kissing isn’t for me” the way I said this is so chill, it doesn’t feel awkward at all. “Especially with someone who I will NEVER, EVER expect to do it with”

Finally, he faced me. “I’m sorry” from the sound of his voice, I can tell that he’s ashamed of what he’s done.

It took me a few minutes to calm my nerves down. To be honest, I’m angry at him, for the sole reason that he should’ve not initiated. But, I’m also at fault, for I didn’t stop him.

Casually and without any malice, I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and ruffled his hair. “Whatever’s gotten into you, I understand” I straightened up and sighed. “Thank you for that”

“Huh? Why are you thanking me?” he asked in confusion. I forced a smile. “It pulled me out of curiosity as well. Ok… I will be totally honest with you” my heart is already prepared to spit everything out.

Jiyong faced me fully, sitting comfortably with his feet up. “I felt like I was dumped by you after reading your letter. As to why I came up with my question, I still don’t know. Maybe, I’m just curious, or deep inside me there’s really something romantic I’m feeling for you”

Speaking the truth is never easy, but when it badly needs to come out, you have to push yourself to do it. Or else, your baggage will become heavier as time goes by.

We promised to be honest at all times, so I’m coming clean.

“Since we’re in this…moment…” he take in a breath and exhaled heavily “…already…I will speak out as well. You know why I wanted to play the game a while ago?” he asked, and I shook my head. “It’s because I wanted to cry”

His eyes are shaking. I’m telling you, I don’t know what to do if he cries in front of me once again.

“I wanted to cry, but doesn’t want to be so dramatic. So, I thought of the chili” the tone of his voice is shaking as well. “I want to cry because I’m slowly realizing that there’s never going to be US” he pointed at me and him “Simply because…being in a relationship will just ruin our bond, the friendship that we built for decades will do down the drain. I don’t want you to be another Ms. Lee. I don’t want to be her either”

“We really can’t tell. Yes, our chance of surviving the challenges of best friend turned lovers-relationship is huge, but I don’t want to risk it. All because, once I lose you, I don’t know what will happen to my life. I can date every girl out there and lose them in a snap, but I CANNOT bear to lose you. NEVER, Einstein. If only there’s an assurance of us having that happy ever after, I will not even think anymore, and be in a romantic relationship with you already”

Our emotions are at its peak. I’m crying and he is too. This is driving me nuts!

“If only I can promise you that I’ll be a good man, I will, but as you always tell me, I’m not good at promises. I break most of them. Also, I think you deserve someone more than me. You’re one precious jewel that I think should be owned by someone who can keep you still in beauty even after a very long time”

Talk, Areumi! TALK!

“Can’t we just try? Can you be brave enough? Can we just risk it?” my mouth is unstoppable. “Look, if after this we will still be the same as before, I will build us both a statue for excellence and put it in the middle of the city, because I’m telling you, it will never be the same again, especially not when we already both know the score”

He was speechless. I know I threw out a lot at him, but since we’re already talking, why not let our hearts out and see where this will bring us.

“How much do you want it?” he asked, as if interviewing me for work.

“SO DARN MUCH!” I answered.

 

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