Embracing change is the best way to go.

The day has come! It’s Ethan and Emma’s first day in their new school and the whole family is feeling mixed emotions about it. A huge part of us is excited because they will finally meet new people and build new relationships. They wouldn’t be stuck with me and their Daddy every waking day. Another part of us are nervous because we really don’t know how the kids will take everything. Questions like, “Are they going to enjoy? Will they open up to others? Will they be able to adapt?” are playing in our heads.

Last night, Jiyong and I talked over the phone to polish our plans for today and the school days to come. Also, to comfort and assure each other that things are going to work out for the kids.

“Were you able to buy them lunchboxes?” he asked. I can hear Youngbae talking in the background. The Big Bang boys are on the final days of their rehearsals before their big comeback. This past week, Jiyong is too busy that he only came to see us once the whole week, which is totally cool for it’s work. I’ve also explained to the kids why he’s hectic nowadays and fortunately, they understand.

“Yes…I did” I answered, while trying to focus on labeling and putting the kids’ names on their school stuff “It took them close to an hour to choose” I followed up and he chuckled, “If you only know how many times Emma changed her mind…you’ll go crazy”

He giggled, “Aigoo…she’s a girl…it’s normal” he said and I rolled my eyes, “You two are so alike. I remember being bored to death every time I go shopping with you because you keep on changing your mind on what’s the best to buy”

Yeah. I even remember him walking out on me after spending so much time in one shop, torn between three dresses that actually look alike, just in different fabrics and colors. He offered to buy me all three but I refused. In the end, I left the shop empty handed, all because I chased Jiyong.

“I know…but I have a strong feeling that she’s worse than me” I said, laughing.

The kids’ lunchbox shopping is really an experience. Back in Chicago, I’m the one choosing for them. It’s much faster and easier that way. This time, Jiyong convinced me to let them shop for themselves from the shoes they’re going to use to the pencils and erasers. In all fairness to our kids, they put in mind my rules in shopping:

1. Buy only what you need.
2. Be conscious of the price. Money does come from trees because they are made of paper and paper is made of trees, but money is no leaf that can be plucked out easily.
3. Make sure you really…really like it before paying because once it’s already in the bag, there’s no returning.

“Unnie and I will be driving them to school” I informed him “She said she’ll be here by seven. The kids’ classes won’t start until eight but we agreed to go there earlier just so the kids can look around a bit”

He sighed, “It’s a bummer that I can’t be there” his voice is really sad.

Jiyong won’t be able to join us tomorrow because Big Bang is scheduled for an interview and their call time is around the time we’re leaving. The kids had a fit when he broke this news to them. It took us an hour to completely calm them down.

“Don’t worry…you have every year to send them off on their first day of school” I chuckled, “Well…at least until they’re in elementary….cos I’m sure….once they step into junior high they won’t even need us to help them prepare for school”. As much as I don’t want to think about it, I can’t help it. All Jiyong can do is let out a cute grunting sound.

Honestly, I’m quite worried about Jiyong being seen with the kids for the sole reason that his presence will build up speculations on who he is in the kids’ lives. Yes, we can always lie, say that he’s their uncle, but I don’t think we can take it especially when lying about our kids can come off as if we are ashamed to have them, which is definitely not the case. We also don’t want them to be reading it on the internet after many years.

“Don’t forget to double check their things before leaving tomorrow” he is talking with that motherly tone. I find it entertaining. “Hmm…what else?” there’s silence for a while “Ah! Their snacks” he remembered “Noona told me that she sent a big box of snacks there. Did you receive it?” he asked and my eyes instantly landed on the humongous box in the corner.

A couple of days ago, the box were delivered to us from Dami Unnie. The kids were so excited about it, thinking it’s full of toys for them and were disappointed for a while. We have an assortment of healthy snacks that can fill an aisle in a convenience store.

“Unnie is really serious when she said she’ll make our kids healthier than ever” I said.

Jiyong cracked up in laughter, “Be sure to mix healthy snacks and junk snacks...you know…just to give them options” he said, making me laugh.

As a matter of fact, I already have a list of lunches for the whole week. Before, I don’t have any problem with it because the Pre-school give them free lunch every day. Now, even when food is also free, we agreed to prepare the kids’ lunch instead.

“We’re going to be fine Jiyongie…don’t worry” I am saying this not just for him, but for me as well.

Our wrecked up nerves and minds are seriously messing with us, it’s not fun anymore. We keep on thinking about the negatives that can happen instead of the positives.

“You think so?” he asked, still worried.

I sighed, “Ethan and Emma will love it there” I assured him, hoping that it helped to ease him up a bit.

All of a sudden, Jiyong giggled “I didn’t know sending kids in school is this hard!” he said “Yah! You should’ve warned me!”

I find him really cute. I smirked, “I’m used to them going to school…but…this is different…I feel like I’m the one having the first day jitters” I finished and he laughed again.

Waking up the kids before their usual wake up time is really a challenge. Amongst the two of them, Emma is the most challenging. She keeps on saying ‘Five more minutes Mom” which I gave but then after five minutes she’ll say “Four more minutes” until it reaches to a minute. I actually thought she’s going to ask for seconds more. Good thing, Ethan helped came. The moment she saw him, she pulled herself out of bed right away.

Looking at them I can tell they’re being played by their emotions as well. They are nervous, anxious and excited all at the same time. I guess I’m really lucky this morning for none of them are throwing a fit, making our preparations a breeze. I swear! The two of them looks so lovely in their new school uniforms.

“Your Daddy wants me to give you this” I pulled out a pink hair bow from a fancy box and put it on top of my daughter’s ponytail.

Our little girl is beaming in joy, “It’s so beautiful!” she squealed while looking at herself in the mirror.

“And for Ethan…” I gave him a box.

He’s so giddy his hands are shaking while opening it. “WOW!” he shrieked. He got a watch.

Jiyong strictly told me to buy the kids what he calls “First Day gifts” specifically telling me what to buy, where to buy it, and the exact style and design he wanted. I opposed at first, solely because the things he wants are too expensive. The bow alone amounts to three full sets of top-class make-up brushes plus a branded lipstick. It has Swarovski crystals scattered everywhere. Imagine a three and eight month old wearing such intricate hair piece in school. As for the watch, it’s from a very popular brand that Jiyong has a collection of. It’s the brand that starts with an R and ends with an X. I was zero days old when I learned they make custom pieces for kids.

“Take care of those things…please” I am begging because I will not be able to take it if they lose their gifts.

They nodded their heads at the same time, “We’ll protect it with our lives!” Emma said comically, making me laugh.

After checking their things, I handed them their lunchboxes. Like every Mom in the planet, I didn’t miss telling them to eat everything and not throw it away. And the most important is, to share.

“Mom made your lunch with so much love” I told them, receiving sweet smiles.

Before going to bed last night, I made pasta salad for the kids, a favorite and a staple way back. With a good serving of it for their lunch I also included, Yogurt (Strawberry flavored for Emma and Plain for Ethan), Granola Bar (from Dami Unnie), and raspberries for dessert. This combination is not so new, let’s see if they’ll eat all of it.

The Mom in me is seriously freaking out with every second leading to the time I have to send the kids to school. Dami Unnie picked us up the exact time she said but before leaving, I took pictures of the kids first (it’s a tradition I adapted from my friend Cara in Chicago).

“Aigoo…” Unnie is in awe with the banners I made for the kids to hold in their photos.

For Ethan, it says “It’s my first day in Kindergarden!” and for Emma, “It’s my first day in Pre-K!”

“Seeing them in uniforms is making me emotional” Unnie is tearing up, making the kids look at her in confusion.

Well, I am emotional too I’m just good in hiding. I have never thought that this day will come so soon where I’ll be leaving my kids in school with just the two of them. Before, we would all go to school because I teach in the same school they’re in. Now, I wouldn’t be around if they miss me. My only prayer is for them to enjoy and love their new school even when it isn’t how they’re used to.

The time has come. The kids, Unnie and I are now walking to their respective classrooms that are a floor away from each other. Upon knowing this, Emma panicked simply because she’s expecting Ethan’s classroom to just be beside hers like before. Thankfully, she calmed down after we assured her that she’ll be able to see her brother during lunch.

“You’re going to be fine, princess”. We have reached Emma’s classroom and I’m impressed. It is really big with colorful tables and chairs in it. There is a huge shelf of toys and other activities too.

Bent down to my daughter’s level, “Can you promise Mom one thing?”

She nodded. I smiled, “Enjoy and behave” I said and gave her for a tight hug. “I love you and I’ll see you later” I stared at her for a while, trying to look for a tinge of nervousness but there’s none.

To my shock, the moment I let her go, she bravely walked inside the room without looking back at us.

Next stop is Ethan’s. The moment we’re in front of his classroom, he turned to me with an expression I cannot explain. He froze as his eyes pool in tears. Right then and there I know that he is being eaten by his nerves that I rarely see in him, for he always wears his brave face in any given situation. Today is an exception.

Unnie and I are bent down to his level, teaming up in motivating him. “You are going to enjoy it, Superman!” Unnie have said every motivating word in the book but it is still not working.

This is what I’m worried about – one of the kids backing out last minute. All the while I thought Emma is the one who’s going to give me a hard time, it turned out to be Ethan.

What to do Areum? THINK!

“Ah!” I snapped my fingers and fished my phone inside my purse.

If there’s one person I’m sure my son is going to listen to and obey right away, it’s Jiyong. So, I immediately dialed his number. I’m not that sure if he’s going to pick up since it’s too early for him, but I took the chance.

“Hmmm…”

Yes! He picked up!

“Jiyongie!” I called and he groaned. He must’ve had a long night. “We are here in the kids’ school”

“Hmm…”

Seriously, I don’t think he’s up for some motivating and encouraging. Thing is, I need him badly now. He has to help me with this.

“Emma is already in class…but…” I looked at Ethan who is still frozen in front of Unnie and I. He can only stare inside the classroom where kids are playing while waiting for class to start. “Ethan is too nervous to go in the room…Unnie and I have done everything but he still doesn’t want to go” I told him, doubtful that he’s listening.

Upon hearing what I said, Unnie leaned closer “I even promised to bring him to Disneyworld once he goes in but it also didn’t work” she said, making me laugh.

There was silence on his end. I thought he slept on me, only to be shocked when he asked for Ethan.

The two talked for about five minutes. Class is already starting. Unnie approached Ethan’s teacher to tell him about our little situation, and we were given a bit more time to calm Ethan down.

“Daddy wants to talk to you Mom” Ethan handed me the phone and I smiled upon taking it.

“Yes?”

Jiyong sighed, “He’s going in now” he said in a sleepy tone. Next thing I know it, our son is already inside the room, settling beside a little girl on the second row.

“What the!” I am beyond shocked. It happened so fast, I wasn’t even able to say goodbye.

Jiyong laughed, “He’s inside already?” he is in awe, I can tell.

I smirked, “If only I thought of you earlier…we could’ve finished the situation in no time” I told him, and he cracked up in laughter again “Well…our kids are now officially in school Kwon Jiyong. They made it” I am so proud and I’m sure he is too. Then I sighed, “What am I going to do with my day now? I’m all alone in our apartment with basically nothing to do”

While I was talking with Jiyong, Unnie and I are on our way back to the car. She laughed after hearing what I just said.

“Do you want me to come over and keep you company?” Jiyong asked.

For a moment I was excited because we’ll hangout again even for a little while, but I realized he might be so tired from work it’s better for him to rest before working again.

“Naaa…you just rest” I replied.

He smirked, “Alright then!”

That was too easy. He didn’t even push it. Oh well…

It’s been an hour since Unnie dropped me off my apartment. As much as she wanted to stay, she’s got a lot of work waiting for her in her boutique. Before parting, we promised each other a bonding date, for we haven’t had one in a long time.

Thirty minutes in and I’m already getting sick of the silence. Before being a Mom, silence is my happiness. It’s a privilege. After being a Mom, my kids’ noise is music to my ears. I’m missing them badly. I wish for time to go fast.

I wasn’t able to last an hour in my apartment. Randomly, I thought of visiting the hospital I worked in for years. I haven’t been there since I ran away.

“OH MY GOSH!” Doctor Nam, my good friend and mentor threw herself at me the moment she saw me. “It’s so good to see you again!” she is still the fun, always blooming woman I know. “I missed you!”

The last time we saw each other was two years ago when she attended a conference in Chicago. Aden is still alive during that time. He and Dr. Nam even had a bet when I’ll come back to Korea. Aden said in a couple of years, while Dr. Nam said in a matter of five years. Thinking of it now, Aden actually won their bet.

I found out that Dr. Nam is now using my clinic as hers. It’s just so cool because she kept it the way I left it.

“Is this still my chair or it’s new?” I asked while sitting on it.

She pointed at the steel arm rest of the chair and there I saw Jiyong’s signature. I can still remember the day I moved in to this clinic, he helped me settle in. He wanted to leave a “mark” in my office, so he signed my chair.

“I didn’t dare change it because it’s precious” Dr. Nam said “The other Doctors and I were even joking that if we sell that online…it’ll cost a fortune”

It made me laugh, “For sure”

After looking around, we started talking about work and life. Aside from Jiyong and the rest of the family, Dr. Nam is one of my most trusted people in the whole wide world.

“So you’re telling me…you and Jiyong are in this messy relationship that none of you can even define”

I leaned back and sighed, “It’s hard to tell what we really are…to be honest…I don’t even know what we’ll be after his marriage”

Dr. Nam leaned forward and looked at me intently, “Why do I get a feeling that you’re not up to having a relationship with him even after his marriage is done?”

Oohh…I don’t know what to say.

After a while, “It’s not that I don’t want us to be together…it’s just that…I’m worried about what people will say…how they’ll look at him…at me…once it comes out in public” my head is going in swirls by thinking “I mean…they might think of me as a homewrecker…a mistress…a heartless woman who snatched somebody else’s husband and I cannot have that reputation because it’ll be the shame of my children”

I am truly surprised with myself. I didn’t expect all this from me.

“Areum…” Dr. Nam called and I looked at her with a shaken heart and mind, “From the looks of it…I think you are just afraid of what you’ll hear from people when what they say shouldn’t even be heard because what’s important is you and Jiyong…and the love you feel for each other. Look…you once let things go by a stupid act that up until now I’m shocked you’re able to pull off” she said, making me chuckle, “It’s high time you give yourself what you really wanted…and that is Jiyong…also…you have to give this to him because he waited so long to have you and the kids again”

“If you only know how many times he went here to talk to me…hoping to hear some updates from you…you’ll love him more” Dr. Nam smiled “Jiyong didn’t stop a day looking for you…that even when he was in the military his manager and some friends continued looking for you for him” Hearing this makes my heart beat in pain “There was a point when I nearly give you out…but I realized…you did what you did for a reason so I just shut my mouth and let fate do its wonders. Good thing it brought you back in each other’s arms again because if not…my conscience won’t let me sleep well at night in the long run”

Dr. Nam didn’t tell me these things before. I don’t know why, but maybe fate is really doing its job to Jiyong and I, or maybe our stars are finally aligning, Either way, I hope for things to go well, not just for us and our family but for Lena as well since she’s a part of lives too.

“Don’t worry about your ‘comeback’ in the field” Dr. Nam animatedly said “I’ll help you with everything. All you have to do is be the best damn doctor you once are”

I told her about my plan in coming back to service and she is more than willing to help me. I’ll go through the process, confident because I have the best mentor the medical world has ever produced. Having her behind me is a delight, for I can be sure that things will go smoothly and well for me. Of course, I have to give my best foot forward for her efforts not to go to waste.

I stayed in the hospital for two hours and a half, visiting old friends. I also met an old patient that Dr. Nam is now handling. She was ten when I took care of her, now she’s thirteen, unfortunately, cancer hasn’t been good to her because after being free of it for a year, it came back and she’s now in a critical state but still with a positive outlook in life.

This encounter made me think, “Will I be able to handle the roller coaster of emotions being a doctor brings?” “Can I still endure seeing children being punished slowly and harshly by their illnesses?” “Am I still fit to be a Doctor?”

“OH!” I just arrived at my apartment and was shocked upon seeing Jiyong lying on the couch in the living room.

“You’re already here!” he said in a cheery voice that made me giggle.

By the way he looks I can tell how tired he is. He lost so much weight I can wrap my hand around his wrist and make my thumb and index finger meet without sweat. In these times, all I want to do is feed him every food I can think of.

I playfully slapped his arm, “Yah! You are skin and bones!”

He slapped me back, “Yah! You are too loud!”

I stick my tongue out at him, “You’re so childish”

He mimicked “You’re so childish”

Seriously, I think he just came here to annoy the heck out of me.

“Why are you here anyway?” I asked, sitting beside him on the couch.

He sighed and throws his head back, “I’m pressured because of our upcoming comeback…I’m too tired to even move a muscle…”

 I laughed, interrupting him “Correction Mr. Kwon…you’re just bones…no muscles at all” I teased.

Of course, he always has a counterattack “Shut…up” he playfully leaned his skinny elbow on my thigh, digging hard so I can feel his bone.

“YAH!” I yelled and he just laughed.

“Where was I?” he asked, trying to recall what he was just saying “Ah!” he snapped his fingers “I just need to take a breather that’s why I’m here…also…I tried talking to Lena just like what you advised weeks ago”

My whole being perked up upon hearing this. “What happened?” I asked in full interest.

He smirked, “As expected…she’s not into it. She stayed still but didn’t listen to me at all. I didn’t even bother to finish what I’m saying because she’s too annoying”

Lena. Lena. Lena. Why do you have to be such a pain in the ?

I really cannot picture how they are in their house. How suffocating it must be for the both of them.

“You know what…” I got up and grabbed his hands “Let’s just eat your problems out…like seriously…we will eat until your face and stomach bloats” I said and pulled him up to stand.

With his arm wrapped around my shoulders, we walked to the convenience store on the first floor of the building. We are going to buy whatever we feel like eating, bring it up to my apartment, eat them all then look for other foods that we can pig-out on.

“Wait a minute…” Jiyong said and blocked my view all of a sudden.

We are waiting for the Tteokbokki we ordered from a small local restaurant nearby. According to Jiyong, this restaurant has the best of two things: Tteokbokki and Gimbap. Thing is, we just ate gimbap, but I’ll surely go here again to try it.

“What’s going on?” I moved beside him, clueless and curious. He turned me the other way this time “Yah! Are you playing me?”

He looked straight into my eyes, for some reason he is low-key panicking “We are being photographed”  he said.

“WHAT?”

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