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[chansoo / fluff / 1,212 words]

At seventeen, Kyungsoo learned that it hurts to give his heart away. His first love was bittersweet but mostly bitter while he was living it. It only seemed sweet at a much later date, when he became a bit older and a bit wiser. He had tried to grasp onto something wonderful then, clench on to tender moments a little longer before they become regretful memories, but what was meant to fly away never stays. He knew his insecurity and immaturity made her feel suffocated, and it drove her away. He knew it was he who broken his own heart.

At seventeen, Kyungsoo’s first love came and went. It was not very happy or sweet, and it left him mostly depressed and sad. He remembered it all and tucked the hurt away into the corner of his heart. He made a promise to himself to never again be that boy of seventeen, to hold too tightly and to give his heart away too quickly. So brash and so brave, with eyes that once shimmered with innocence and curiosity; at seventeen, Kyungsoo learned about heartbreak.

Year after years as winters turned into springs, and as leaves faded from green to gold, he grew to be a man of few words and sentimentality. The boy that used to cry over love still sits quietly inside of him, carefully peering at the people coming in and out of his life. Charming smiles and fleeting touches, genuine emotions in the adult world are rarely shown. ‘I love you,' ‘I hate you’; in the end, they are just sentences with one-word difference and phrases that change with the blink of an eye. From afar, Kyungsoo watched them all, the happy souls around him that pranced with love and lust. He watched them laugh, watched them cry, and he even watched them sigh.

But when Kyungsoo thinks of love, all that comes to mind is the bittersweet taste that had always lingered on the tip of his tongue.

---

 “Just like me, they long to be close to you.” 

Chanyeol sings softly as he plucks at his guitar. Kyungsoo closes his eyes and basks in the warm sunlight shining through the bright windows. Spring isn’t quite here, but he can already smell it in the air: hints of fresh floral, clean laundry and something sweet, like honey drops or the golden sunshine of July.

Everyone has a sanctuary, may it be that small café hid away in a boulevard or the park right down the street, and Kyungsoo’s is Chanyeol’s tiny flat. Despite the messy general state the apartment seems to be in every day of the year, there’s always a chaotic order, and it’s a place of unexpected peace. Parts of Chanyeol’s colorful life are always carelessly scattered across the bookshelves, the floor, and the big comfy couch taking over the living room, but the naturalness of it all calms Kyungsoo. It is cozy, like a home should be, and when they are both there, it feels complete.

They are not lovers, but they are more than friends. For many nights, as they fell asleep to black and white films playing on Chanyeol’s retro TV set, their fingers would intertwine beneath the shared blanket. They’d wake up staring into each other’s eyes and slowly, they’d pull away with shy awkward smiles on their blushing faces. As they walk off, their minds flustered and dizzy, they could not help but miss each other’s presence already which was just so close.

On days when Kyungsoo would wake first, he’d trace his gaze across Chanyeol’s peaceful sleeping form. Only dare to watch but never dare to touch, he would listen to the sound of his heartbeats thumping to the replay of Chanyeol’s singing voice in his head. The boy of seventeen living inside of him would stand close to the wall of his heart and dig his fingers nervously into the flesh until he draws blood, as if reminding Kyungsoo the pain of his first love. Letting go of Chanyeol’s hand, he’d almost kiss the taller man on the forehead then leave without ever saying goodbye. And as he walks home, all that he wanted to say would drift away in the morning breeze, along with his endless longing sighs.

Kyungsoo never knew but back at the flat, Chanyeol would curl up underneath the blanket after he has left. With trembling and careful hands, the blushing man would always cover the spot where he was almost kissed.

---

When all the cherry blossoms are budding, Chanyeol asks Kyungsoo to meet him on one windy morning. As they stand face to face beneath the still bare branches of the cherry trees, the taller man gulps a couple of times before he finds his voice. Fidgeting with his trembling fingers and wiping his sweaty palms unconsciously on his coat, Chanyeol quietly confesses his feelings to Kyungsoo, who watches him with unblinking eyes and a pink nose.

“I like you,” the lanky man says timidly and scratches the back of his head out of nervousness, “I think I may even love you.”

“Aren’t you afraid of getting hurt if I reject you?” Kyungsoo asks and observes as Chanyeol’s expression changes from mild panic to being lost and sad then finally settles into a forced smile. There are tears already welling in the taller man’s bright eyes, but there are also sparkles of conviction and certainty.

“I am,” Chanyeol sniffles and his stiffen smile widens, “but I think you’re worth getting hurt for because I like you that much.”

At that moment, Kyungsoo could smell the faint aroma of cherry blossoms in the passing breeze and see soft petals of pink flying in the sky.

He wants to say something in return and to let his feelings be known as well, but Chanyeol’s words had already taken away all of his breaths to speak. So he kisses the man he has always loved instead. Gradually, the pain that was restraining his heart eases and the scared boy living inside of him finally smiles. He is in love again and this time around, it tastes so much sweeter, just like the honey drops of his dreams. When he pulls away, Kyungsoo looks into Chanyeol’s teary puppy eyes and he chuckles in happiness. As he laughs and laughs and laughs, his lips stretch into a beautiful heart shape, proudly displaying his love.

Spring is here.

---

Real love means giving someone the power to hurt you.

Everyone says love hurts, but Kyungsoo knows now that is not true. What hurts is the rejection and the loneliness that comes with losing someone you had tried to hold on to. Everyone gets confused with love, but in reality, love is the only thing in this world that can heal all the pain and make someone feel wonderful again.

At seventeen, Kyungsoo’s first love came and went, and he was left broken hearted. He was torn up by love, but he was also put together as a whole again because of a love he has received from a certain someone. As Chanyeol smiles lovingly at him with his guitar cradled in his lanky arms, Kyungsoo cannot help but smile fondly as well. They complete each other, and that’s more than enough.

Fin

A/N: story inspired by Kyungsoo's recent interview where he talked about his first love [x]. Aside from the interview, I was also inspired by Janis Ian's At Seventeen. The song Chanyeol was singing is Close to You by the Carpenters.