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[ g / angst / happy ending ]

This was never meant to be a love story, but it turned out to be one.

Half-heartedly glaring at the tall man standing in front of his apartment door with a suitcase in hand, Kyungsoo tried to focus on the faint smile on the man’s face that was distorted by the welling tears in his eyes. Chanyeol too squinted through moisten eyes as his smile bloomed into short bursts of laughter. Trying to blink away his tears, he laughed at the begrudging look on the shorter man’s face, only to break into chops of broken sobs. Hiccupping and sniffling, he watched as Kyungsoo approached him while biting down hard on his lips, almost drawing blood. When they finally stood face to face, their skin discoloured by the florescent light above and weathered by trialing times, Chanyeol knew.  No more surprises, no more shouting words, and no more pride bruising against pride. Now there were just a longing for home and a craving to love unconditionally. He understood now that there was nowhere else he’d rather be but beside Kyungsoo.

Twenty years. It took twenty years for Chanyeol to figure that out. Coming together and breaking apart, over and over again over bouts larger and small, his relationship with Kyungsoo was like a small fishing boat drifting through the open sea. From the day they met in class as lads, Chanyeol knew Kyungsoo would make a dent in his life. But he did not anticipate how deeply they’d be tangled in each other’s destiny. On good days, they were lovers. They’d shower each other with affectionate kisses, tangle their limbs together underneath wrinkled bed sheet, and savour the temperature of each other’s palm on bare skins. They’d giggle together, cry together, and welcome the pain and joy of life together. On a good day, the sun would shine and they’d forget about the bad and worst days. However, life was always short of good days. 

On bad days, they were friends. They’d smile and hug, and then they’d walk away after bidding goodbye. Sometimes, Chanyeol would leave for months on end, only to return out of the blue. He never expected for Kyungsoo to hold on to something he had broken apart, yet his heart could not help but ache when someone else was taking over the other’s heart. He’d drink and cry, drink and laugh, drink until Kyungsoo appeared in his dreams and wordlessly carried him home.  On a bad day, rain drops would fall and the world would be casted in a shadow of grey. Sitting by the window, he’d listen to Kyungsoo speak with another one of his girlfriends over the phone. Picking up the rose colour water glass, he’d place it in front of his eyes and peer at the world in grey. Somehow, it still looked grey. Chanyeol learnt that unfortunately, on most days in Seoul the skies were grey. He took the colours away, as Kyungsoo would say, ‘so heartlessly walked away and took the colours away.’

On the worst days, they were perfect strangers. Uncaring and unspeaking, they were two souls that were simply drifting through time and spaces that continued to intersect. These were the times when Chanyeol walked out in the middle of the night, slowly shutting the door behind him with a dull click. In the suffocating darkness, Kyungsoo would listen to his heart break into a million pieces, each fragment with sharp edges and digging relentlessly into his being. At first there were tears, there were curses and resentment. Eventually, there was only disappointment and pretentious apathy. He had already forgotten how many times he slammed the door in Chanyeol’s face, how many calls he had hung up without a second thoughts. ‘But even perfect strangers have some effect on each other’s lives, don’t they?’ Kyungsoo often found his inner voice whispering that thought on the many sleepless nights. Indeed, aren’t perfect strangers just broken acquaintances? Each time as he looked down at the drunken mess of sprawled out limbs hanging desperately around the toilet, Kyungsoo’s heart swelled with a mixture of calm and dread. He began to realize that the worst days were the days when Chanyeol left and returned, but they were also the best days in their twisted little world. These were the days when they both realized just how much of a fool they had been and just how important they were to each other.

Twenty years. It also took Kyungsoo twenty years to come to accept that. Until their skin began to dry and their bones began to brittle were they finally able to put down everything and come face to face with each other. Watching the man that was crying like a newborn babe without a single shred of hollow pride left that will send him away ever again, Kyungsoo knew. No more fights, no more lonely nights, and no more unnecessary pain. Now there were simply a longing to love and a craving to be truthful. Kyungsoo understood in that moment there was no one else he’d rather be with for the rest of his life than with Chanyeol.  

Was there love? Not nearly enough. Was there hate? Too much. Chanyeol laughed at twenty years of ups and downs and he cried for the two decades of lost time. Kyungsoo had so much he wanted to say, but in face of twenty years of memories, good, bad and worst, what words could encompass it all?

“Idiot, I should be the one crying,” Kyungsoo’s voice was raspy and wavering, “Idiot, you are such an idiot.”

Chanyeol could only nod as he continued to sob and hiccup uncontrollably. Tenderly, he enveloped the smaller man into a hug. Tightly, their chests pressed against each other’s and their erratic breathing synced naturally. Reaching a hand to brush away a hidden strand of white hair, hot tears slid down Kyungsoo’s cheeks.

“Idiot,” he mumbled over and over again, “idiot… welcome home… you’re such an idiot…”

Author's note: I'm in Shanghai! :D Wrote this on the train to Nanjing. I don't know what's the point of this story is but it came out of a feeling, so.... yep. :3