Not in that way

[g / super angst / one-sided]

Kywungsoo looks down at the string of numbers he is too familiar with but does not pick up. Until the phone stopped buzzing, he drops it into his bag without another glance. A message flashes on the screen indicating a new voice mail, but Kyungsoo ignores it. Crouching over, he puts all of his weight into his arms propped on his knees and a sigh exhaled from deep in his chest.

He wishes Chanyeol would stop calling already. Yet, he also wishes otherwise.

‘I miss you, Kyungsoo.’

‘Why would you ignore me when I call you?’

‘Kyungsoo, I miss you! Why are you always away?’

He can already imagine the content of the voicemail; it was always the same. A small frown settles in between Kyungsoo’s brows as his heart wrenches in dull pain. He can’t listen to Chanyeol’s alluring voice right now or the other’s gentle words. It’d only hurt him more.

The pain will never go away, Kyungsoo knows that, not until he stops loving. Yet his love won’t go away either, no matter how much pain it has caused him.

Doh Kyungsoo loves Park Chanyeol, but he also hates him. ‘No’, Kyungsoo smiles bitterly to himself; he hates the Doh Kyungsoo that loves Park Chanyeols. He pities the Doh Kyungsoo that loves Park Chanyeol because he knows; only he is in love in that way.

They started out as friends, best of friends. Like peas in a pod, they were always together side by side through thick and thin. They became more than friends; they were practically brothers. But that’s not what Kyungsoo wanted. He doesn’t know since when his heart started to beat faster when he is around the taller man. He’d daze at the other’s handsome profile and smile along when he sees toothy grin stretch from one pointy ear to the other. He thought that it was enough if he could just remain at Chanyeol’s side; he thought he could be happy just by seeing his love being happy.

But humans are greedy and Kyungsoo is only human.

The longer he loved, the more he wanted something in return. Even if it’s just a smile only for him, words whispered only in his ears, or a warm touch only against his skin, Kyungsoo wanted it to be just for him. He wanted to become Chanyeol’s happiness, to be the source of the gentle giant’s laughter and the only one he’d be close to. He became reliant on their closeness and day by day, he craved something more.

He fell helplessly and wretchedly in love.

And Chanyeol responded to his needs because he was always eager to give and keen to please. Casually, the tips of their fingers would brush and they’d hug. They’d whisper secrets into each other’s ears and share words only they would know. In those moments, Kyungsoo felt loved and he had thought that was love.

‘It was love and it’s still love,’ the pitiful voice whispered in his head, ‘just not the kind of love you wanted from him, that’s all.’

Kyungsoo realized that Park Chanyeol will never be his, only his. Park Chanyeol is everyone’s and one day, he will become someone else’s; probably a nice girl who’d share her life with him. But not his, Kyungsoo shook his head, not his.

He could see it in Chanyeol’s eyes when the taller man looks at him. There is always friendship, brotherly love, and even kinship. There is love without a doubt, but only in platonic. There is no lust, desire, or any thirst for passion. Simply, there is only love and kindness, the kind that stabs painfully and mockingly at Kyungsoo’s heart.

So he pushed Chanyeol away and sent himself away. Far away from where his heart longed to be, he is hiding in the shadow and pitifully at his wound all alone. Kyungsoo knows he is no hero and he will never be brave enough to convey his feelings. Like most humans, he has a glass heart and is fearful of rejection, especially from the one he loves the most. If he could run and live in an ignorant lie, he’d rather that than to face the truth and wither in despair. He knows what Chanyeol would say to him if the giant ever found out his feelings, so he ran and hoped that the inevitable future would come later than sooner.

The phone in his bag is buzzing again and Kyungsoo cradles his head inside his hands. Chanyeol’s worried face flashes in his mind and he shuts his eyes. Letting out another sigh, he waits for the calls to stop coming in. With each buzz, Kyungsoo’s heart crumbles a little. Until there is only silence again, thumps of dull pain spread from his chest to the rest of his body, paralyzing him into his seat. Smiling bitterly to himself, he lowers his cap and sings softly. 

“You’d say, I’m sorry, believe me, I love you. But not in that way…” . 

He hopes he will never hear those words.

Author's note: ANGGGSSTTTTTTT. OTL