Where was my trust? Where was my safety? Where was my happy childhood? Why me?

And why was I even thinking about stuff like that. It hadn't been much of a problem before, right? Those thoughts occupied my mind until I reached my house and walked up the stairs. I barged into the room, but there was no one there. I was about to panic for a second, but then I remembered and mumbled a silent “He's at work, idiot” to myself before sitting down on the sofa, waiting patiently.

After a while that seemed like eternity, the door opened and Yongguk came in, stopping in surprise, because I had rarely come home for the past weeks. “Junhong, are you okay, where-”

“I'm fine”, I interrupted my own hyung before standing up and just hugging him like a kid that was longing for its parents' embrace. “Just feeling pathetic.”

After a moment of surprise, Yongguk patted my back – like you'd do it with a kid. “What's wrong?”, he hummed calmly and, normally, I would have snorted at his soft voice, but that was literally what I had come here for and I snuggled up against him.

“I'm just glad you're alright. Wanted to make sure you're okay. They wrote me a message, they would hurt you if I ran away much longer”, I whispered.

Hyung held me at arm's length to look at me. His eyes scanned my face carefully. “As... you can see, I'm fine, but this isn't the first time they wrote this... And yet you are completely restless. Did something else happen? I... tried calling you once, but you didn't pick up.”

An image of Jongup lying in the mud at the apple farm popped up in my mind and I desperately tried not to imagine Yongguk lying there. With more wounds and more blood...more dead. It was just a threat, no big deal, Zelo, keep calm. “The weekend was... busy”, I admitted, not daring to look him in the eyes.

“Why, where have you been?”

“It's nothing bad, don't worry, I'm just worn out”, I said when I noticed his furrowed eyebrows and took a deep breath before starting my little report. I told him about the farm and the missing Jongup without mentioning the little talk I had with the girl at the barn. I didn't feel like dealing with my trust-issues right now. There was too much to take care of that was of more importance.

“And we just got back. I was worried about you, because of the message and stuff...”, I ended my story and took a deep breath again. I was never that agitated, which is why Yongguk really seemed to understand my worry. “I...I'll go talk to some of them. Alone. Maybe, they'll give me some more time?”, I suggested then, not really believing in my own words.

“You know they won't”, said the older one with a cold voice despite the warmth in his eyes. “It's too dangerous.”

“I know, but I've got to try. I'm tired of running.”

A moment of silence passed until Yongguk smirked at me in defeat. Our discussions never helped a thing, because we both stuck with our own opinions. “Alright, but run as soon as it gets unpleasant. No matter how tired you are.”

“Sure”, I mumbled, grinning back at him. A grin that didn't reach my eyes though, because I was already thinking about how to talk to the Untouchables. “I'm not going right away, I want to stay a bit longer... I missed the apartment.”

“Stay as long as you want to. It's your home, too. Want to eat something?”

Yes, it is my home. And I don't want to lose what gives me a feeling of safety. “I'd love to.”

5 hours later

Their way of 'talking' wasn't exactly what I had thought of, but at least I was on my way back to the girl's house again instead of lying in some dark alley. I let my, once again bruised, knuckles creak. There had been three of them: Jimin, who was strong, but not tall enough to keep up with me, Yoongi, a runaway I knew from when I was younger, and a new guy I didn't know, but they had called him 'Jae'. He was looking too nice to be part of that organization, I guess it hadn't ruined him yet.

Still, his punch was quite powerful, I thought while touching my jaw. It had turned blue in just a few minutes. Of course, they hadn't given me more time. All they cared about was getting me unconscious to bring me to their boss. Well, not today.

My body was hurting, because I had run to get away from them, just like Yongguk had told me to, but my mind was wide awake as I looked at my right hand that had been damaged before already and was pounding now. I knew I wouldn't manage to sleep with that pain, but I walked back to the girl's house anyway, hoping that the silence would somehow calm me down.

“There's an extra key under the carpet, right?”, mumbled I as I bowed down to actually find a hatch under the brownish rug, just like she had said earlier. “Aren't they afraid of thieves? I could tell everyone...” I unlocked the door, put the key back to where I took it from, and entered the house while stretching my back. I just wanted to rinse my hands with some water from the bathroom upstairs to get rid of the bit of blood that could be found on my knuckles, but then, I saw light inside the girl's room.

I walked up to her door after washing my hands and raised an eyebrow. She was sitting in her bed, reading a book, but looked up when she noticed me. “Oh. Hi Zelo. Are you okay?”, she asked and I nodded.

“I can't...sleep...euh, I'm...I'm sorry for that comment about your mother... Just wanted to say it again”, said I and she smiled at me.

“It's fine, I shouldn't get mad at that, you were right after all... To be honest, I can't sleep either. I'm trying to read to get tired, but it won't work... I don't sleep very well when Jongup isn't around, you know?”

The image of the two of them sleeping popped up in my mind and I remembered the older guy's words: “We sleep next to each other whenever we can't sleep, it works miracles, I swear”

I sighed, because an idea came to my mind and, as much as I shouldn't like it, I somehow wanted to do it anyway. I took a step closer to the girl and then one more, sitting down at the edge of her bed. My hand accidentally hit the bed's edge and I bit my tongue to suppress a hiss. “What's...Uhm... What's the book about?”, I asked instead and she looked at me in surprise before showing me the cover.

“It's Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. I know, I know, it's very cheesy, but that's exactly what I like about it, you know? I'm a romantic after all. You should read it one day, it's quite good”, she replied and I nodded, remembering that Yongguk liked Shakespeare too. I took a look around the room, scanning the girl's picture wall of strange people. Wait, didn't she say she wanted to take a photo of me to put it there, the other day? Why do I need to be a part of that project? I'm not looking crazy like those people... am I?

A picture of someone standing in front of a painting with wings attracted my gaze. “Isn't that Jongup-hyung?”, asked I curiously. He was looking upwards and it was a well taken picture.

“Huh? Ah, yeah. There are many photos of him here”, she answered. “He's an awesome model, you know? He knows how to portray different feelings within seconds. I really like all his facets.”

“You fancy him quite a lot. Who are you? His girlfriend?” I had just said it to make fun of her, but the girl scowled at me right away.

“That isn't funny, stop it. Jongup and I have been like siblings ever since I was born, he-”

“Yeah, I know, I know, he told me yesterday. I'm joking, okay?” She stopped for a moment and then shut while I kept scanning the wall. Silence surrounded us for like a minute.

“Junhong?”

“Hm?” I had replied without thinking and lowered my gaze immediately. That name was kind of strange to me, nobody called me Junhong anymore – except for Yongguk.

“Would you... I mean... Jongup and I often sleep next to each other to avoid nightmares and...uhm...” Her voice sounded careful and a bit worried, causing me to raise my head.

“You... want me to...stay?”, I asked with a raised eyebrow, thinking of the childhood friends at the farm once more. She looked at me, put away her book and pulled the blanket up to her nose. “I- That's not it...Well, yeah...man, it sounds weird if you say it like that, sorry. You can go if you want to, I didn't mean to-”

It works miracles, I swear.

“It's fine...I mean, okay”, I answered, seemingly casually, but I didn't feel well on the inside at all. She wouldn't just ask anybody something like that. It's like when I showed her my home, nothing physical, just a big step concerning her trust towards me. “But I'm not Jongup.” Wait, is it even good that she trusts me?

She nodded slowly. “I know that. But it's okay, I-... Thank you.” I lay down on the bed carefully, right next to her, and she threw her blanket over me. A tiny whine escaped my lips when I placed my arm on my chest and turned away in a hurry to hide my face from her. “Junhong?”

“Don't call me that, it's embarrassing.”

“I like your name, it has a melody of its own...” I looked at the girl, suddenly aware of how close we were to each other, and shifted a few centimeters away as she reached out with her hand to touch my jaw. “You got beaten up again”, she whispered, but I didn't know if it was worry, anger or disappointment I could hear in her voice while I got goosebumps and shivered though I wasn't cold.

I grabbed her hand to push it away. “It's got nothing to do with you anyway”, retorted I, but the sight of the hand on my chest didn't make it any better.

“You shouldn't wander around to get beaten to a pulp, it's of no use... Wait, there should be some...” She turned around and fished a package of pills out of her nightstand. “Here, it's a painkiller. Maybe you'll be able to sleep then?”, she suggested. I rolled with my eyes, but hers were fierce and I quietly took the tiny medicine. But she didn't stop there. “I'm serious, let's make them go to jail. I can do it on my own if you don't want to get involved, but if I just-”

“I told you I don't want that”, I interrupted her idea with a harsh voice. My heart started to hurt every time she mentioned this whole convicting thing, because I thought of my parents, my brother and all the families that were ruined by them... The Untouchables' impact was too big, I didn't want anyone to get involved with them anymore. Maybe there were some who deserved it. Did she? As things are now, I don't think so, but I don't know why. “Just go to sleep and don't worry about other people's problems, will you?”

She remained silent for a few more seconds.“As long as you don't get hurt from now on...”, she mumbled, yawning as well. “Seeing anyone suffer makes me suffer as well, you know? That's just who I am.” A calm and reassuring smile appeared on her face that made my heart stop aching, but beat a bit faster instead. “I'll find a way to help you, just wait here until then”, mumbled she while closing her eyes and turning off the light. “I could pay this month's debts for example...”

“Beyond question, I oppose. Just one more question: Why do you have painkillers in your night table?”, I asked quietly and she looked at me through her long eyelashes.

“I...well...There were times when I wanted-..Ah, no, it's fine, you don't have to know”, she replied and even though it was no clear answer, I could have guessed it before asking already. Many people did this after losing a precious person, like, in this case, the girl lost her mother.

I dropped the topic after glancing at my arm and sighed. “I know how you could help me.”

She cocked her ears, opening one eye again. “Really?”

I nodded. “Really...You could make sure to stay away from those guys, will you? And now let me sleep” She looked like she wanted to say something else, but didn't even bother to answer me anymore, pouting, because she knew that a discussion was useless. Such a kid, seriously, I thought with a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth before I realized that I was lying in the same bed with that rich girl again, shifting away once more until I reached the bed's edge. What am I doing here, this isn't right.

But when was the last time you actually did something that was right?

True, she's an exception... I guess...

“Good night, Junhong”, a silent mumble could be heard from next to me and I sighed in resignation, unable to hold back the smile any longer while starting to give in to my dreams. At least she couldn't see it in the dark. I wondered what I'd dream about now? Would I still be having nightmares or did Jongup's technique actually work?

“Good night, girl- I...I mean So-...Soora.”

I prayed that it would work.

And that's how it started getting worse. Making her an exception made her important to me.

Saying her name, saying it out loud made it impossible to forget it.

Telling her everything got her involved in the stupid circle I was running in.

She was doomed.

I was doomed.

And it was my fault.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0qWjHP1GQc <- inspiration <3

I'm still here! °^°" Hope you're still there, too xD