CL  

Truth to be told, I never was asleep since Bom left me, the words that were echoing in my mind were the ones that came out of Dara’s mouth when she was speaking with Minzy.

Flashback

Since Bom had went for a bath, I used the walls as support as I saw Minzy and Dara heading to Dara’s room through the cracks of the opening of the door that was not fully closed. I know that Dara has been Minzy’s support system since young, and I truthfully wanted to hear their thoughts, the only thoughts that were flashing in my mind were’ Am I a burden?’ ‘Do they hate me now that I cannot cat walk?’ I silently held my weight on my other leg as I toddled like a little toddler using the wall as my full support to remain silent. I made sure the bathroom water I still running as I peek through the cracks of the door that Dara had not fully close, the thing that I see is Minzy launching herself into Dara’s embrace as the older one bit onto her lips and pats Minzy’s back. I heard Minzy’s sobs as I was telling myself,” This is it; they are going to express how bad they hate me. Brace yourself CL, don’t crush yourself.” But what I heard was different from my expectations, but what hurts the most is the reaction that Dara gave to Minzy when Minzy asked Dara is Dara was hurting, Dara replied no, but her eyes betrayed her greatly. Since young, our problem of not, Dara was been there for us and always been a great Unnie, the only bad thing is that for the younger ones, she determined herself to stay strong and deny the feelings that she feel, instead pushing them to the back and letting her priorities remain on the younger ones so that she could protect them. She is the best at masking her emotions to strangers, and sometimes even to us. But every time for a split second, immediately after she replies, you have to stare into her eyes, her eyes are the betrayers of her body, and her mind, she has no control over what they want to do, and she does not even know that. We, the younger ones only realize that after a while and we know what she truly mean. My heart is hurting truly because of Unnie, she is hurting herself without realizing it is too much. When I heard Minzy getting up, I wobbled my way back to my bedroom that night flashed through my eyes, no sleep was gained. The image of the maknae crying her eyes out, the eyes that Bom Unnie trusted, betrayed her although her actions were casual, she was feeling confused, Dara Unnie’s feelings are being neglected by her again.

End of Flashback

That is the only image that flew through my mind when I practiced walking. I was being too selfish, I felt upset and showed my true feelings to my friends and they end up getting hurt more than me, I am too selfish. That is most probably why, I decided to just push those feelings to the back and throw them to the bin, every time I fall on my knees on the rubber ground of the exercise area, the three different pairs of eyes flashed through my mind and my determination returned. My mind is being kept awake again as I heard my digital clock making a light beep sound every time it hits another hour, so far, I went to sleep at 12AM and I have heard 3 beeps so far. It is so irritating! I decided, since I will not be getting any sleep, I should just make good use of it. I pick myself up from my bed and used the walls as support to get my way out of my room, since my leg is not casted, the doctor said since it is recovering, it should not be casted as it is not severely broken, thus the few weeks’ notice, also if I cast it, it would be harder to train those ankles to move again, faster.

Using all the furniture in the dormitory, I made my way to the front door of the dorm; I slip on lightly the white sandals that are easy to put on, on my swollen ankle. I opened the door as quietly as possible and made my way towards the lift. It is a good thing that there are walls everywhere to allow me to be supported well enough. I manage to successfully make my way into the lift as I click the level to the campus park where we were at earlier. When the lift hit the campus park level, I slowly waddled my way out like the ducks in the pond. I used the railings that the campus park had to allow elderlies to use to walk as sometimes the park is open for nearby residence. In the dark, quiet atmosphere, the cricking of the crickets were heard, the light buzzing that filled the air, the audible quacking by the ducks and the croaking by the frogs were audible through the night, or should I said, dawn.

I successfully made my way to the railings at the exercise corner and meditate myself, CL you can do this! You must get this as soon as possible!  I hauled myself up the railing, since I had made quite a distance, which I am surprised at myself; my legs were overused and tired for an injured ankle. I felt determination run through my blood as I walked the first step, for earlier on, I could lean on the railings and walls but now, all I can depend on it my legs. I hesitantly walk the first step as I heard the small stones being dragged by my feet when I move it, I made a second step with my other leg, satisfaction went through me as I completed two steps without falling. I slowly dragged a third step but I retreated th