CHAPTER 1: MY PAST
Love
CHAPTER 1 MY PAST
My chest becomes heavy as darkness swallows the whole place, I don’t know why my feet drag me here, to this place full of happy memories, memories that I wish to vanish, and I wish to forget like a nightmare. OF ALL PLACES, WHY HERE GIAN? WHY ITALY? WHY DO YOU NEED TO TORTURE YOURSELF? That’s the questions I need to know the answers but how? The person I spend my time here is gone, he just vanish. He never explained to me anything, he never provide me with answers. I think I’m going crazy wait…
I’M ALREADY CRAZY!
"Gian!" Someone shouts from a far and runs toward me.
“How did you find me here?” Irritation lashes through me as I saw Nikki in front of me.
“Vacation” She simply say.
“Of all places, you decided to have a vacation here?” I scoff. I didn’t want to argue right now, I don’t have the energy.
“For crying out loud Gian it’s been 5 years since he left you. Move on.” It’s her turn now to get irritated towards me but I just ignore her as I continue to stare at nothing. Since I arrive here, I’ve been a mess, I’m not my usual self.
I scoff again and smirk, Nikki is my cousin. My mom and her dad are siblings, since high school she moves to South Korea to study. We’re close like sisters since we’re both the only child in our respective families, were both stubborn and spoiled brat es, but what separate us, she is more focus in life compare to me especially what happen 5 years ago, I’ve experience the worst of the worst.
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FLASHBACK
JUNE 20, 2011
It’s my wedding day and at the same time my 26th birthday. This is the day me and my fiancé are waiting for, the day I’ll be his forever, the day we will become as one. It’s his idea that we will marry at this day and month but for me any day will do as long as I will be married to him.
“Today’s the day Gian!” My mom said. “Happy Birthday, my daughter.”
“Thank you mom.” I smile at her as I stretch lying in my bed.
“Get up and eat breakfast with us as a single lady because later you’re going to be married with a fine man.” She smiles fondly while staring at me.
“What are you talking about mom? I’m just going to add up another ring on my finger but I’m still your daughter” I said.
“My only daughter will be married.” She smiles but I can see that she’s about to cry. I don’t want to start my day with tears.
“Mama” I stand up and went to her, hug her tightly. “Nothing will change.”
“What do you mean nothing will change? You’re going to spend less time with us.” She sobs and wipe off her tears that’s flowing in her cheeks.
“Your mom is starting to get emotional again.” My dad suddenly appears behind us. “Can we just have breakfast? And save your tears for later.” My dad teases my mom and we both smile.
Everything is ready, I’m ready. My hair, my make-up, wedding gown and the shoes that I’m going to wear. The pictorial before the wedding starts with my family, bridesmaids and maid of honor. I’m the happiest girl right now, I can’t wait that to see my husband to be, waiting for me at the altar. I can’t wait to say my vows which by the way I revised for 100 times, I want to say so many things but my mom say to keep it simple but meaningful. I want this to get over with, the tension is killing me. I want to start a new life with him and only him.
“It’s time Gian.” Sasha, my best friend and maid of honor said, I smile at her and check myself in the mirror for one last time. “You are so beautiful.” She adds.
“I’m nervous though.” I turn to her and trying my very best not to cry and not to ruin my makeup.
“Everything will be fine, don’t worry, and don’t think too much. Today is your day.” She pats my arms and help me to gather my gown.
END OF FLASHBACK
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“Gian!” Nikki shouts that makes me annoyed, I chug the red wine and just glare at her. “You’re not listening to me.”
“What do you want?” I sigh and pour some more wine in the glass.
“I wish I go to Manila more often so that I had a chance to meet that er.” She hisses.
“Whether you meet him or not, the result is still the same.” I mutter. She just looks at me. The look that I hate the most. PITY
“Gian, I know everything I say will mean nothing to you. I know you’re hurt until now but you’ve been a messed ever since that day.” She said in a calm voice, which I hate the most. I don’t like people to console me, to console my broken heart, it makes me weaker. “No woman wants that to happen, I know you’re strong.” She squeezed my hand and I can see her eyes become watery.
“Don’t cry and don’t be sad for me. Don’t worry I’m fine.” I simply said.
“How can I not be worried Gian? You lose your focus, you’re always drinking, getting wasted every night. How can I not worry?” She sips her wine and continues. “Your mom and dad are so worried, they didn’t know what they can do to ease your pain.”
“It’s easy for you to say that, you’re not in my position. You’re not the one who experience that nightmare.”
“I know, like what I said earlier no words will heal your heart. You have to help yourself. I want you to be okay, I want the old Gian back, our Gian.” She smiles fondly at me. I know that no one will help me but myself, but how? I don’t know how to pick up the pieces, I don’t know where to start.
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FLASHBACK
“Gian, let’s go! He will not show up” My mom said as she tries to pull me to stand up.
“Just go home without me.” I said in a calm way.
A few hours ago I’m the happiest person in the world, today is my wedding day. My husband to be and I are together for more than 2 years, he’s my friend, my lover, my constant companion, my boyfriend, my best friend, my critic and my everything. I’m so excited that I can finally call him mine, all mine to be exact and I’m his. He’s the love of my life, he’s the reason why I push myself to work hard and become successful in life. He’s the reason for my happiness and the reason why I’m here. He takes care of me, giving me enough strength. I love him to death. I give everything to him.
Our relationship is not perfect but it was a smooth sailing one, we give and take, we compromise. It’s been the happiest two years of my life especially when he asks me to marry him. I was on cloud nine. After all that I’ve been through, we’ve been through, he finally wants to settle down with me not all the girls that surrounds and looms over him, he wants me and only me.
By now we should have been cutting our wedding cake, mingling with our guests, having our first dance as husband and wife, listening for the best man’s speech for us and taking endless pictures. This should be the time that he will remove the garter from my thigh and for me to throw the bouquet of flowers to all the single ladies in the crowd. It should have been a happy day, it should have been our day. I told him I don’t need a lavish wedding, I just want to be as simple as possible, a fairy tale wedding, too bad the ending wasn’t a happy one.
“Gian please!” I turn to look at my dad and that’s the only time I realized that all the guests are gone. My mom and my dad, some of my relatives and few of my closest friends are the only one left.
“Let’s go home darling.” Mom said while kisses the top of my head. “You need to rest.” She continues.
I don’t know how many hours have past, I just stand gather my wedding gown and walk slowly, mind in a whirlwind, disoriented, confused, mad, very mad. My chest feels like being a paper that’s been crumpled over and over again but I didn’t cry, not a single tear run down my cheeks, I’m too tired to cry, too wreck to get hurt. If he just come to our wedding I would be his wife and he would be my husband but he just choose not to show up and leave me alone in this fairy tale that both of us build. As I sit inside the car I look back at the altar where we should have said our I do’s, pain lashes in my heart and the only question in my mind right now is HOW CAN HE DO THIS ME?
END OF FLASHBACK
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“Come with me in South Korea, the company where I work is looking for an Assistant Manager.” Nikki said that ruin my thoughts.
“Assistant Manager?” I repeat.
“You quit your job right?” She asks and that made me frown. This kind of stuff is like a wild fire that spreads in our clan.
“I’ll think about it.” I simply said.
“Don’t think, just come with me.” She insists. “How can you move on? You have to be in a new environment, meet new people, go on a date and explore new things or it’s much better if you’ll explore a new man’s body, like that hottie over there” She points. “He keeps looking at you.” She winks at me then wave at the guy.
“You never change huh? Still the same.” I said and smirk.
“Move on, enjoy life, don’t let the past eats your present and future.” She said. “Be the Gian I know, you’re a tough girl.”
“I said I’ll think about it.” I replied while sipping my wine.
“Don’t be hard headed women” She simply said. “And besides you don’t have any choice” She adds. “I already booked our flight to South Korea and I already have your passport.” She smiles and stands. “I’ll see you in a week, leave all the bad memories here and start a new one in Korea.” She said and wave at me.
Leave all the bad memories here in Italy? I’ve been here for a couple of weeks now like a crazy woman who savors the nice things that happens in the past. This place is our haven, this place is our hideaway. Every time he has time we will go here and explore, this is where we first meet. I smile while tapping the table and stare at nothing, this is the place where I first saw him and where he proposes to me.
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FLASHBACK
“I miss you love.” Someone nuzzles my neck. “I’m here.” When I open my eyes I see him, I see the love of my life. Both our work so we didn’t see each other often, so when we have free time we travel together. We’ve been to Greece, Paris, Australia, Ireland and so many different countries but we keep coming back here in Italy.
“I miss you too. What took you so long?” I hug him and just inhale deeply, I feel complete now, he’s here by my side.
“My flight has been delayed for a couple of hours, sorry.” He kisses my temple and lie beside me. “Good thing you didn’t rebooked your flight.”
“It’s okay, as long as you’re here with me and you’re safe it’s fine.” I lean my head in his stomach and just look at him. “What time is it?”
“It’s 2 in the afternoon and why the hell are you sleeping at this hour? The weather is fine.”
“I’m waiting for you.” I pout that makes him laugh. “I don’t want to walk in the streets all by myself.”
"Let's just eat first then let's walk around." He said and I nod. "I've miss you love."
"I miss you too love."
END OF FLASHBACK
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I didn’t realized tears spring down my cheeks, I wiped it with the back of my hands and sob quietly. I drink the wine in my glass and ask for the bill, it feels like yesterday, it feels like everything just happened a few hours ago. After paying I went back to my hotel room and cry myself to sleep, I thought pain will just go away as time passes by but I’m wrong, the pain still lingers and looms over me. I have one more week before going to South Korea, I don’t have much of a choice because Nikki has my passport already, and can I start my life there?
The only time I went out of my hotel room again is when I buy a couple of bottles of cheap wine, Nikki is right, I need to leave my past here so I let myself reminisce every single detail that happen to us, savor every sweet moment we have, remembering all the happy times we shared. I cry my heart out, my head spins because of the wine, I’m drunk but the pain is still there, still gripping me, silently killing me. I promise myself not to cry anymore after this day, this is the last time I will cry for my lost. I will leave all the memories here and when I step foot in Seoul I will be a new person, much stronger and tougher.
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