FOURTEEN

"Kyungsoo,” Minseok called, knocking on his door, “Kyungsoo, it’s lunchtime.”

There was no response. He opened the door.

Kyungsoo was sitting on his bed, curled up with his knees pressed to his chest, staring off into space blankly. He hardly looked up when Minseok walked in.

“Kyungsoo?”

“Minseok,” he acknowledged.                             

“It’s lunchtime. I’ll make you something to eat?”

“No thanks.”

Minseok nodded. “I thought so.”

Minseok shut the door behind him, locking it, and walked over to Kyungsoo. He sat on the edge of his small bed and looked up, finally meeting eyes with the younger.

“Do you want to talk about this?”

“About what?”

Minseok shrugged. “You should know.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes narrowed. “I have nothing to speak about.”

Minseok nodded again, and Kyungsoo grew frustrated at how vague he was being. He just wanted to be alone.

After a minute of complete silence, Minseok brought out his phone, and Kyungsoo let out a small growl. Minseok smiled, but didn’t look up.

“Something the matter?”

“Why are you still here?”

“I want to show you something.”

Minseok held up his phone, and Kyungsoo squinted at the bright screen.

It was a photo of his vomit.

Kyungsoo was expressionless. “Yeah. I was sick last night.”

“Just last night?”

“And today.”

“Then explain this.”

Minseok brushed his finger along the screen and the image scrolled to the previous one in the camera roll. It was another photo of vomit in the toilet, different to the first one. Kyungsoo gulped.

“W-Where—”

“One month ago,” he said softly, “I heard the tap running, and it woke me up. I went to use the bathroom after I heard the door close. And I saw that.”

Kyungsoo inhaled sharply.

“You seem to forget about the flushing part of your night routines,” he said smoothly, bringing his phone away from Kyungsoo’s face. He pressed a few more buttons.

“I—there’s no evidence that—”

“Listen to this.”

Minseok pressed his screen one more time, before fuzzy static sounds emitted from the speaker. The rustling of movement continued, until silence, then—

Oh.

It was the muffled sound of purging.

Kyungsoo turned white. Minseok stopped the audio.

“Now explain.”

Kyungsoo scoffed. “That wasn’t me.”

Minseok extended an arm and cupped Kyungsoo’s chin in his fingers delicately, his lips with the pads of his fingers.

“Then why are you so pale?” he whispered.

Kyungsoo slapped him away.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Why? You’re just going to lock me out like everyone else, aren’t you?”

Kyungsoo’s breaths were growing rapid, and he scooted back on his bed, away from Minseok. He felt uncomfortably reminded of the time he confronted Luhan and scared him in the same way, and suddenly wished he hadn’t been so persistent. Because he was scared. He could tell that Minseok knew something he didn’t want him to. Despite the fact that he’d suspected Minseok’s own disorder, he couldn’t bear the thought of being discovered himself.

“Get out of my room.”

Minseok only shuffled closer. “Remember when I had an anxiety attack in front of Jongdae? You were there, weren’t you?”

His eyes widened. “Of course I was.”

“You figured out what that was about, didn’t you?”

Quiet fell around the room like a blanket – a suspenseful quiet, but strangely comforting. They didn’t break gazes.

“What was the last thing you ate?” Kyungsoo asked, breathlessly. Minseok smiled a little.

“I didn’t eat any breakfast.”

Kyungsoo’s fingers curled around the bed sheets. Minseok leaned closer.

“I want your guidance, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo tried to steady his breathing.

Is he really like me?

“I can’t stand being forced to eat,” Minseok whispered, “and not be able to throw it up afterwards. Please, Kyungsoo. Please help me. We can do this together.”

“This lifestyle isn’t a choice,” Kyungsoo replied, voice shaky, “I hope you know that.”

Minseok pressed closer. “Please, Kyungsoo.”

The younger spent a few moments pondering over the thought.

What harm could it do? He could see the desperate flicker in Minseok’s eyes, and he knew his pleads were genuine. He may as well help him. He’d be less alone, anyway.

“It’s lunchtime, isn’t it?”

Minseok nodded. Kyungsoo slid off the bed, and took the elder’s hand in his own.

“Follow me.”

Luhan was trying to find time to start a conversation with Jongin between the boy’s huge mouthfuls of food and Sehun’s sarcastic comments.

“I’m sure Kyungsoo would be grateful you can fit so much in your mouth.”

Jongin nodded subconsciously, too busy savouring his food.

“Not that he’ll need that much room, anyway.”

“Sehun, stop,” Junmyeon warned.

“Huur burg en oof,” Jongin cried, mouth full. Sehun laughed.

“Hey, Jongin,” Luhan called gently, tugging at Jongin’s sleeve. “Can I talk to you?”

“He already has a boyfriend, Luhan.”

“Sehun.”

“Sure, hyung,” Jongin chirped, swallowing his lunch and turning away from his bowl to face the elder with interest. Luhan smiled shyly.

“Uh…I know this isn’t really important, but…I feel kind of guilty, just, you know, not having you know about it, like…”

Jongin titled his head. “Huh?”

He gulped, and looked around to see if anyone was listening in “T-That night, you…you confessed to Kyungsoo—”

Jongin froze, and Luhan felt terrible.

“H-How—?”

He smiled sheepishly. “I was out working late that night, past midnight. I came back really late, and…and I just…I thought I should let you know…”

“You heard everything, right?”

Jongin sounded humiliated, breaths catching in his throat.

“I…well…yeah.”

“You saw it too, right?” he whispered, covering his burning cheeks with his hands, and Luhan suddenly wished he’d never said anything in the first place.

“I don’t mind. It’s fine. I just thought I should let you know.”

“No, I’m glad you told me. I’m sorry you had to see that.”

Jongin bit his lip, and stared into Luhan’s eyes, silently pleading for any kind of reassurance. Luhan shook his head, relieved Jongin wasn’t angry with him. “I don’t mind, really. I feel bad for spying on you. I didn’t realise I was interrupting…that, until it was too late.”                                                                            

And Jongin smiled – a small smile, but a smile regardless. His hands were still in front of his face, but he looked less anxious, in the least.

“So you’re…you’re okay about it?”

“Of—of course, as long as it doesn’t bother you that I saw you.”

Jongin shrugged shyly, eyes clouding over as he began re-enacting the special night in his head. Luhan noticed the love-struck twinkle in his eyes, and laughed lightly, snapping the younger from his daze. He blushed again, before motioning towards Luhan’s food.

“You’ve hardly eaten, hyung. Eat something before lunch is over.”

Minseok had his hands in front of his mouth and was shaking his head rapidly, stomach churning. He’d never felt so ill in his life.

And he thought the binge was bad.

Kyungsoo had eaten so much food, Minseok could hardly believe his stomach could hold so much. And then vomited it all back up.

And again.

And again.

Every single time, something had come up, and he’d vomited again and again until all that was left was the water he’d flushed his stomach with and the stench of bile.

After a few moments, Kyungsoo lifted his head from the toilet bowl; his fourth round of purging finished, and flushed the toilet with quaking fingers. His chest was heaving. Minseok shuddered.

“Are you sure this is what you want, Minseok?” Kyungsoo croaked, stumbling to his feet to rinse his mouth out. Minseok was too horrified to reply.

“As I said,” Kyungsoo continued, when his mouth was clean of the taste, “this isn’t a lifestyle, Minseok. You can’t just choose to be bulimic. And once you’ve started, it’s hard to stop. You’re either going to try purging and dislike it, or you’ll become addicted. And you’ll never be the same again.”

Minseok was lost for words, because quite honestly, after seeing someone purge right in front of his eyes, let alone one of his band mates…he didn’t know what he wanted anymore.

The need to purge after he ate was strong, but it was hard. He couldn’t bring himself to do it, because he was too scared

He wanted to purge, so badly – but he couldn’t.

“Do you want to try?” he asked softly, beckoning Minseok out of the corner he was cowered in.

“I…I…”

“It should come naturally, if you’re really desperate.”

“I’m scared,” he whispered, “I’m scared. I’m scared to vomit. I’m scared of ruining my voice.”

Kyungsoo laughed. “You’re hardly a singer. You don’t need to worry.”

“What about you?”

Kyungsoo shrugged. “I’d rather be skinny and jobless, honestly.”

“You’re burning your throat,” Minseok whimpered, “you’re soaking the only tool you have in this industry with stomach acids.”

“I’m becoming thin.”

Minseok’s head was spinning.

“You can handle the burn, can’t you?”

Can I?

“It doesn’t last very long, anyway, and energy drinks will easily replace the electrolytes. And you’ll become skinny. There’s nothing to lose.”

When he realised Minseok wasn’t coming out of his corner, he walked forward, shortening the distance between them.

“Think about how beautiful you’ll be,” Kyungsoo breathed, “how beautiful and thin you’ll be.”

Kyungsoo reached out and traced his fingers along Minseok’s collarbones, and Minseok’s breathing shallowed.

“You’ll be able to see this. You’ll finally be able to see your lovely bone structure, coming through your skin. You’ll be able to touch your hipbones, run your hand along your concave stomach, see your jawline protruding…slim neck…tiny legs…”

Minseok screamed, and covered his eyes.

“I want it,” he gasped, “I...I really want it.”

“Are you ready for this?”

Images flashed behind Minseok’s eyes – bones through skin, sunken stomachs, wrapping fingers around arms and letting them touch. Squeezing no fat on his legs, on his stomach, on his cheeks, skinny, skinny, skinny.

Thin. Thin. Thin.

“Yes,” he cried, “yes, yes. Please.”

Kyungsoo locked their fingers together. “Good. Let’s go buy ice cream. It goes down easier and comes back up sweeter.”

✏ [ a/n ] i hate hate hate this story so much wtf how overdramatic can this stupid stupid thing possibly get wow I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW CRAPPY THIS STORY IS AHAHA it only gets worse guys sorry to tell you but yeah that's that i hope you're all disappointed at minseok bc now he's bulimic too hey what a surprise anyway thank you to all my supporters as usual, your lovely comments and of course the subscribers, upvoters, just readers in general, idk why you're still supporting this piece of crap but i appreciate it nonetheless <3 BONUS i'm posting a short xiuhan oneshot it's a little bit different to this one because i feel like my writing style has warped a bit over time but if you guys want something else depressing from me in 3,000 words then it's all there for you c: sorry this chapter is short guys. ugh. i really hate this ew. anyway thanks guys for commenting and supporting me in general it means a lot and it really makes me smile on a bad day <3

word count: 1504