THREE

Halfway through vocal training with Jongdae, Luhan decided he'd go out for some fresh air for his break, before buying lunch with the others. His voice felt strained and exhausted, and he preferred to calm himself down alone, rather than talk loudly over all the other trainees and breathe in the stale air of the building. 

Shrugging on his jacket, he stepped out into the cool air and inhaled deeply, relieved at the freedom from the cramped and stuffy practice rooms. He was thankful he finally had some time to himself, and took in the precious moment of solitary reclusion, and the tranquil silence around him. The other members that also were rewarded with a lunch break would be sure to call him back soon, so, deciding to make the most of the moment, he advanced away from the building and began walking slowly down the busy street.

He didn’t like the smell of burning petrol, the sound of screeching tyres and the congested atmosphere of busy roads, but felt strangely serene occupying the footpath alone. Smiling, he pulled out his earphones and plugged them in, losing himself in his music and relaxing.

Their time of unworried publicity and non-confinement was limited, and slowly, with debut approaching, Luhan was becoming more and more wary of how little free time he had remaining. He wanted to make the most of his normal life before he’d become a rising idol – he’d never be able to walk out in public without protection again.

He closed his eyes for a few moments, continuing to stroll calmly, and was about to deeply inhale the crisp, refreshing air – before the wind was completely knocked out of him. His earphones were torn from his ears violently, his chest was bashed hard, and he collapsed to the ground.

Something heavy fell on top of him, but the only thing he could really comprehend in those few seconds of painful breathlessness was the angry “watch where you’re going, fatass!”

Fatass. Fatass. Fatass.

Luhan gasped for breath in absolute agony, and the heavy weight clambered off him. An extremely large and muscular runner stood up, glaring at him, fists clenched.

Fatass. Fatass. He called me fatass.

“Sir, I am so, so sorry,” Luhan choked, stumbling to his feet and bowing deeply despite the aching in his chest. “I didn’t see you at all, I’m so sorry, please—”

“Next time, open your tiny eyes and try not to be such a clumsy ing elephant,” the man snapped, before elbowing Luhan aside and continuing to run down the path. Luhan felt his cheeks burning up in mortification, gulping loudly.

Fatass. Elephant. Fatass.

“He thinks I’m fat,” Luhan whispered, tears welling up in his eyes.

Junmyeon was right. He wasn’t lying. He was fat. Luhan was fat.

He ignored the calls from s for the whole break, and didn’t return until lunch had stopped being served.

“Why didn’t you eat lunch today?” Yixing inquired, “Jongdae and I were waiting for you. And you didn’t pick up any of our calls.”

Luhan’s eyes darted back and forth, watching the younger rush back and forth in the kitchen, with Sehun hot on his heels. He was leaning his elbows on the counter again, chin in his hands and mind calm. He quickly formulated an excuse in his mind; feeling that “I felt fat” was much too pathetic, and would make both Yixing and Junmyeon panic. He couldn’t think of anything believable, so he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.

“I wasn’t hungry.”

Yixing frowned and looked up at a guilty-looking Luhan, flipping whatever was in his frying pan perfectly without watching, as if it was his second nature.

“Jongdae said you’d promised to join us.”

Luhan opened his mouth to retaliate, but he found only incoherent croaks falling from his mouth.

“Uh…I…uh…”

“Luhan, you’re not still upset about what I said, are you?”

Three things surprised Luhan. One, Junmyeon’s sudden appearance; two, the arms that found their way around his waist again; and three, the fact that the Korean could understand the casual Mandarin conversation so quickly.

He looked over and Junmyeon rested his chin on his shoulder, looking up at him with large, hopeful eyes.

“You’re not, right?”

Luhan shook his head slowly, unsure whether he was telling the truth or not. “No. I’m not.”

“Good.”

Junmyeon nuzzled his nose into Luhan’s neck affectionately, making the elder smile softly, and Baekhyun walked in right at that moment, complaining that dinner was taking too long. He froze when he saw the position the two were in, before smirking and leaning against the wall, folding his arms.

“You’ll be in deep when the company finds out you two are gay, you know.”

“We’re not gay!” Luhan snapped, making a move to push Junmyeon off him, but stopped when he saw the sad expression on his face.

“Even if we were, Baekhyun,” he said softly, “you know that I’m only trying to care for my band mates. You don’t need to discriminate like that.”

Baekhyun raised an eyebrow. “It sure doesn’t look like it.”

Jongin walked in and brushed past Baekhyun, yawning into the back of his hand and pausing at the tense silence between Baekhyun, Luhan, Junmyeon, and a slightly lost Yixing and Sehun.

“Something happen?” he queried innocently, rubbing the corners of his eyes. “Also, when’s dinner going to be ready?”

“In a few minutes,” Sehun chirped, tugging Yixing’s arm, before they both returned to their cooking.

“This isn’t about the thing that happened before, right?” Jongin asked, motioning between the three older members staring at one another stiffly. Luhan frowned. So everyone really does remember that.

“Nothing’s happening, Jongin,” Junmyeon replied, smiling. “How are you—”

Junmyeon didn’t have a chance to finish. The sound of the door swinging open distracted them all, and a frustrated, exhausted Kyungsoo stormed in, slamming the door behind him, hands dragging through his hair. They all blinked in confusion, and Junmyeon detached himself from Luhan.

“Is everything okay, Kyungsoo?” he asked, reaching out to touch Kyungsoo’s arm as he stomped past. He stopped and turned to Junmyeon in exasperation, before forcing out a smile.

“Yeah. Fine.”

He tried to continue walking, but Junmyeon held on.

“You’re not fine.”

Kyungsoo sighed loudly. “Okay, maybe I’m not fine, alright? I’m just tired. Can I go rest?”

Yixing leaned over the counter and smiled. “Dinner’s almost ready, though. Why don’t you sit down?”

“I’m not hungry.”

Junmyeon’s grip on Kyungsoo’s arm weakened, the words so sharp and so cold it took him by surprise. Yixing bit his lip.

“Kyungsoo,” he said quietly, “you’ve been skipping meals for a while now, and you’re not even cooking, either. Why are you always avoiding meal times? Maybe this is why you’re so tired?”

Kyungsoo seemed to pale at that. His eyebrows lowered and his teeth sank into his bottom lip, fists clenching.

“Yeah? What’s wrong with that?”

Yixing stared. “It’s unhealthy, Kyungsoo.”

“I don’t care.”

Jongin softly touched Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Hyung…he’s right. Lately, you’ve been acting really—”

“Shut up, Jongin,” Kyungsoo snapped, “shut up. Just shut up. I told you not to mention any of this. Stay out of my way.”

Kyungsoo slapped Jongin away and stormed past him and Baekhyun, before walking into his room and slamming the door behind him. Jongin was frozen in horror, and Luhan saw wetness forming in his eyes, and immediately felt bad for the young boy.

“Jongin—”

“No,” Jongin whispered, “no, he’s been acting like this for…for too long. It’s been too long. I…I can’t let him do this anymore.”

“Jongin, it’s okay. Let me talk to him,” Junmyeon said quickly.

“No. No, I need to talk to him.”

Before anyone else could react, a teary-eyed Jongin ran out of the room and into his and Kyungsoo’s shared bedroom, slamming the door again.

The remaining five looked back and forth between one another, confused.

“Should I go…listen in?” Luhan asked quietly.

Baekhyun shook his head.

“Jongin’s close to Kyungsoo. Just let them talk for a while.”

“But Baekhyun, he’s so young, you know how sensitive he gets over this stuff…”

Sehun looked anxious and appeared to want to leave the kitchen to help Jongin, but Yixing tugged him away from the doorway and quietly ordered him to set the table. His hands were shaking as he piled the crockery into his arms.

All questionable thoughts of whether to eat or not left Luhan’s mind as he, Baekhyun and Junmyeon all pitched in to help prepare dinner, the thoughts of Kyungsoo’s cold retaliation still lingering in their minds. Kyungsoo had never spoken so sharply to anyone, and it was a definite shock to see him so snappy.

Luhan had taken note of how sensitive Kyungsoo had been over the past few weeks when the topic of food was brought up, and somehow, he had a sinking feeling that something was wrong with him. Something that wasn’t just like his own sad thoughts he’d been experiencing over the past few days; something much further than that.

Luhan came to a depressing conclusion that the difference in their minds was: Luhan’s thoughts consisted of am I fat? Should I eat? Do I need to lose weight? But Kyungsoo seemed to have progressed further, his insecure questions solidifying into iron statements – I’m fat, I shouldn’t eat, I need to lose weight.

It scared him to think Kyungsoo could ever be like that, but his actions that Luhan previously hadn’t taken notice of – avoiding food, complaining about his body, comparing himself to members like Jongin – all seemed to add up. Somehow, just in those few minutes he was mindlessly collecting cutlery, Luhan seemed to realise that; yes, there was something terribly, terribly wrong with Kyungsoo.

He snapped out of his thoughts when the muffled screams began.

“Get out!” Kyungsoo screamed, “just get out! You don’t understand anything!”

“Hyung, please let me help!” Jongin cried back, “please, Kyungsoo!”

“I said get out!”

Eyes wide, Luhan turned to look at the others, who had halted and were staring in the direction of Kyungsoo and Jongin’s room. They all acted at the same time, and dropped what they were holding, running over to help out.

“Kyungsoo, what’s wrong with you?!”

“Everything, Jongin, everything’s ing wrong with me! Leave me alone! Get out! Get away!”

The other members had begun to emerge from their rooms, staring at one another in confusion.

“What’s happening?” Zitao whispered, hands clutching at the edge of his door.

“Kyungsoo’s—”

The sound of someone being thrown violently against the door, followed by a cry of pain from Jongin, made everyone jump back and flinch.

“Hyung, p-please—”

“Get away from me, Kim Jongin!”

The door swung open and Jongin tumbled out, and everyone stole a glace at the sobbing Kyungsoo before it slammed closed once more, lock clicking. Jongin collapsed to his knees and cried harder than anyone else had ever seen before, and Sehun bent down to collect him in arms.

And, just in those few minutes of witnessing both Kyungsoo and Jongin break for the very first time; everyone realised – it wasn’t just the pressure of debut.

Something had happened.

Dinner was forgotten.

Yifan was still tossing and turning past midnight, and the shaking bed kept Luhan conscious for just as long. He heard every sigh that left the younger’s lips, and knew the incident with Kyungsoo was still bothering him.

Kyungsoo was still locked in his room and refused to exit, despite the other member’s pleas, leaving Jongin stressed out and bedroom-less. Since he was close with both Sehun as a friend and Junmyeon as a leader, they joined their two single beds to make a slightly larger bed to share, with Jongin nestled protectively between the two. Yifan had left his own room multiple times to check on the three and make sure Jongin was okay and Kyungsoo was still in his room, and only when he was assured everyone was asleep did he return to his bed, and stay there.

However, he was obviously still anxious – and Luhan couldn’t fall asleep, either.

Quietly, so as to not wake Minseok, Luhan sat up and lifted the blankets off of him, slowly crawling to the end of the bed and climbing down the ladder. He jumped off and landed on the carpet with a small thud, before ducking his head and sitting on the edge of the bottom bunk.

Yifan sat up, eyes clear in the darkness of the room, and Luhan reached out to lay his hand on the younger’s.

“Are you still stressed out, Yifan?” he whispered, letting the tall one tighten his grip on his hand. Luhan couldn’t see properly in the darkness, but he could tell Yifan was nodding slowly, linking their fingers together in an all-too-familiar way.

“He’s stressed out about mealtimes,” Yifan whispered, “I…I recognize the anxiety. The distance. He can’t end up like Woosung, Luhan. He can’t.”

Luhan looked down. So Yifan had suspected the eating disorder as well.

Yifan tightened their grasp. “Luhan, please, please help. We have to do something.”

Luhan raised his head. “What are we meant to do?”

Yifan was silent, and looked over to check and see if Minseok was still asleep. He was.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, “I really don’t know. I was too scared to help Woosung, even when I saw him purging…I didn’t know what to do. It was only when the company found out, was he sent to rehabilitation. We can’t let it get that far, Luhan, it’ll be too late by then.”

“So, why don’t we just—”

“We can’t tell the company, Luhan,” Yifan breathed, reaching up to wipe his eyes. He was thankful it was dark, or Luhan would have noticed he was crying. “We can’t tell them. He’ll either be kicked out or get sent away, and our debut will be delayed. I know his health is more important, but we can’t afford to delay our debut, and we can’t afford to have a member lost at this point. It’ll cause too much shock in the company, and everything’s going to go wrong, and it’ll all be left on Kyungsoo’s shoulders. If anything, he’ll be worse than ever.”

The words were heavy, and Luhan bit his lip. As much as he wanted to deny it, Yifan was right. It would disrupt the company too much, and only make Kyungsoo worse.

“We have to help him ourselves. But we can’t just talk him out of a disorder. Trust me. I know.”

“So…we’re helpless?”

Yifan shook his head, but Luhan didn’t see. “We’re not helpless. We can’t be helpless. We’re going to have to force him to eat, for the sake of his health, and try to give him as much support as possible. For now.”

“What about in the long term?”

A long silence filled the emptiness between them, and Yifan had to take a few moments to calm his silent tears.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, “We’ll just have to hope for the best. I just…I just really don’t want it to be true, though. I can’t lose Kyungsoo as well. I just…why him? Why did it have to be one of us?”

Luhan shifted closer to Yifan and embraced him, shaking his head.

word count: 2563