TWENTY-EIGHT

“Everyone!” Yixing screamed, “look at this! Guys, everyone, look!”

The members leaving from the table after breakfast stopped and turned around, and the ones halfway to their feet froze, mid-standing.

Yixing had collected an envelope from outside and torn it open, a sheet of paper crumpling in his tight grasp. His expression was unreadable.

“What?”

“Our official debut date!”

Sehun dropped the plate he was holding, and it hit the table with a clang; rattling, but not breaking.

Yixing burst into tears.

“April the eighth!” he wailed, falling to his knees, paper fluttering from his fingers. He covered his eyes with his hands and sobbed hard, crumpling.

“April?” Junmyeon gasped, “that’s a month earlier than what they said!”

Sehun opened his mouth to make a sarcastic comment about his idiotically obvious statement, but a soft whimper escaped instead, and he brought his hands to his cheeks.

“Are you kidding?” Jongdae shrieked, “that’s only a few months from now!”

“He probably read it wrong,” Baekhyun broke in, “it’s not as if his Korean is—”

“Shut up, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol interrupted. “You’re the one that’s been complaining about our poor teamwork. This should make you happy.”

Nonetheless, Chanyeol walked over and snatched the paper off the floor, eyes scanning over it. Everyone watched him silently, crossing their fingers, hoping – except Kyungsoo, of course.

Chanyeol’s eyes widened. “It’s true. We’re debuting in a few months.”

Screams of joy exploded through the room.

“Wait, wait!” Chanyeol cried, “there’s a catch! Guys, shut up!”

“What’s a catch?” Zitao asked curiously. Yifan translated, with only part of his attention on the younger, too excited to think.

“Our diet’s been cut,” Chanyeol announced. “For the next few months, before and after debut, our diets are completely planned and strict. And our schedules are going to almost double in length.”

Sehun groaned. “Why the hell would you say that?”

“We were so excited!”

“What does double in length mean?”

Chanyeol shrugged. “I’m not going to blur out the truth. Debut comes with consequences.”

“Hey,” Junmyeon laughed, “we’re debuting soon, come on, everyone. Don’t be so down.”

“A few months,” Yixing whispered, still on the floor, “months.”

Jongin turned to Kyungsoo, who was trying to edge out of the room silently so he could purge, and grabbed him around the waist. “Hyung, aren’t you excited?”

Kyungsoo forced a grin, pushing away Jongin’s hands. “Of course I am.”

“Why are you leaving?”

It was a lie, to say he was excited. He was more relieved, if anything – relieved he had an excuse to eat small amounts, relieved that he might be able to keep some food down and not feel guilty enough to purge it. He wasn’t excited, however, to begin the life of being an idol, of being watched, of being judged.

What if the fans thought he was fat?

“I need to shower.”

“We’ll shower together—”

“No,” Kyungsoo snapped, “no, I’ll shower alone.”

Jongin looked slightly hurt, but nodded. “Okay. I was just asking.”

“I know.”

With an awkward nod, he slowly pulled away from Jongin’s grasp and sidled out of the room, hurrying over to the bathroom.

Yifan watched him go with lowered eyebrows, and made a move to run after him, but Jongdae stopped him, pulling him into an excited hug.

“Where are you going?” Jongdae laughed, “let’s party, Yifan! We’re debuting in a couple of months!”

With a reluctant glance out of the room, Yifan let Jongdae tug him away, an inaudible sigh leaving his lips.

Luhan’s eyes were flickering closed, and he tried to force them up, even though sleepiness was weighing them down. The sensation of Kyungsoo’s fingers in his hair, massaging his head and rubbing behind his ears, was sending him to levels of tranquillity he hadn’t reached in a long time. For the first time in a while, lying on Kyungsoo’s lap beside Minseok, he felt calm. He felt safe.

He felt happy.

And he knew, it wouldn’t be temporary.

The portions of food they were allocated hardly differed from Luhan’s usual portions, only just hitting calorific levels to keep the members energetic enough to work, so Luhan could eat normally at every meal, only leaving a small amount behind and not worrying anyone. Minseok was slowly beginning to eat his meals without purging, and although Kyungsoo was struggling, his binge and purge rituals were becoming less and less frequent. He could hardly keep a normal meal down, but he was hurting his throat less, and his singing was improving greatly. Everyone was satisfied – even Baekhyun – with Kyungsoo’s great progress in his singing.

All three members were still weak from lack of nutrition, but the other members were fatigued as well, so nobody really noticed, except Yifan – who was still too scared to speak up.

He had no evidence of Kyungsoo’s purging, except his suspicions, and how strikingly similar his behaviour was to Woosung’s. But he’d never heard him purge, the toilets were always clean, and the doors were locked when he wanted to intervene, so he stayed silent. Guilty, because he was scared Kyungsoo would end up severely unwell, but not guilty enough.

Luhan breathed a sigh when Kyungsoo’s fingers pressed into a particularly sensitive spot on his neck, kneading away the stiffness with care.

“There,” Luhan whispered, “just there.”

Kyungsoo chuckled lightly. “It’s Minseok’s turn now.”

Luhan whined in protest, but obediently lifted his head and let Kyungsoo’s hands slide out from underneath. He missed the feeling of Kyungsoo’s cool fingers on his scalp, but rolled to the side and left Kyungsoo’s lap empty, letting Minseok snuggle in for his own massage.

Jongin had disapproved when he saw the three members on his and Kyungsoo’s shared bed, feeling left out, but let them go when he noticed they were all smiling. He had noticed all of them lacking positivity lately, and decided it worth the temporary loneliness to preserve their happiness.

Luhan sat up and leaned against the front of the bed next to Kyungsoo, stretching his legs out straight. Debut was approaching fast, and their free time was limited, so they were cherishing the few hours of relaxation they’d been rewarded.

Minseok shut his eyes the moment Kyungsoo’s fingers started moving and he smiled, resting his head comfortably against Kyungsoo’s navel.

“Thank you,” he murmured.

Luhan yawned, “I’ll massage you after, Kyungsoo, okay?”

Kyungsoo looked down at Minseok, who looked half asleep already.

“You don’t need to.”

“I want to.”

Kyungsoo smiled at him, amused. “Luhan, sleep.”

“I’d rather not.”

But he held onto Kyungsoo’s arm and leaned on him nonetheless, gently the bony limb.

“Your arm is so skinny,” Luhan whispered.

“I worked hard to get it that way.”

Luhan reached up with one hand to touch Kyungsoo’s shoulder, looking up at him. “You’re eating now, right?”

Minseok opened his eyes, half-listening to the conversation.

“Kind of,” Kyungsoo replied casually, “the calorie content in the food we’re given is so low, it’s burned off easily during practice. I still purge. Sometimes. But so far, I can keep most of it down.”

Luhan chuckled lightly, “I’m proud of you, Kyungsoo.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Luhan hadn’t lost himself almost completely like Kyungsoo had. There was a large part of him still battling his disorder, a large part of him determined to recover and overpower his mental illness with happiness. Now that their diets suited his disorder’s needs, he was happier, and he was cruising down the road of recovery, trying to pull Minseok and Kyungsoo along with him.

Everything was getting better, slowly. Luhan was lost in the moments of joy, of freedom, of having everything come together, just as it was before.

“Did I ever tell you I ran into some jogger, and he called me a fatass?” Luhan said sleepily. Kyungsoo’s eyebrows furrowed.

“No.”

“Oh. Well, I did. Ages ago. That’s why I skipped lunch that one day during practice, for the first time.”

Kyungsoo nodded. “Is that when your disorder emerged?”

 “No. It was earlier than that.”

“When did it start?”

Luhan yawned, and drove his mind back, past Kyungsoo’s confrontations, restricting his diet, running into the stranger…

“At practice,” Luhan said slowly, “Junmyeon…he was fanning me. So I flipped him over to fan him, instead, and I sat on him…and…he called me fat.”

Even Minseok froze at that. Kyungsoo’s fingers stopped roaming the elder’s hair.

“Just straight up, like that?” Minseok asked, “he just…called you fat?”

“No,” Luhan said quickly, “he just…I don’t know. He implied it. He said I was heavy, and then asked me if I was following my diet. And then he pinched me. For fat.”

Minseok breathed out heavily, “geez.”

Kyungsoo looked troubled. “That – I remember that. I saw you two.”

Luhan smiled sadly, “yeah. And then you went up to Jongin and told him you wanted his skinny legs.”

“I don’t remember any of this. I only remember the salt incident,” Minseok said.

“You were probably harassing Jongdae, or something. Or Zitao masked the conversation, because he was being a loud .”

Kyungsoo chuckled. “You remember everything, don’t you, Luhan?”

Luhan made a face. “Except the taste of cake.”

All three of them laughed at that, but it was sad laughter. Bitter, cold, confused, knowing his words were scarily true. Luhan could hardly remember the taste of any foods; he’d deprived himself for so long.

Somehow, joking about it was so cruelly, painfully, hilarious.

The separate sub-groups had finished vocal training, going over each of their songs countless times. Kyungsoo’s voice was still soiled from his purging, and they had been contemplating handing over his high notes to Baekhyun, but for the first time in a while, he’d hit his high note perfectly.

His lines were finalised as his own, and Jongin couldn’t be prouder.

Kyungsoo, ecstatic, burst out of the room to share the news with Luhan, but was swept off the floor before he could run to EXO-M’s room.

“You hit the high note!” Jongin cried, spinning him around, “you hit it, you hit it again!”

Kyungsoo laughed and hugged his neck tightly, the world blurred in whirling colours as he was spun, head reeling.

“I finally did it, hey?”

Jongin put him down mid-spin and his feet skidded on the floor, fingers clutching at the younger’s shirt so he wouldn’t tumble over.

“I knew you’d get better,” Jongin whispered, pulling him into a hug, “I knew you could do it.”

Jongin’s hands ran through Kyungsoo’s hair, and Kyungsoo reached up to entwine their fingers together. The other members, slightly disgusted at the intimate moment, began to walk off and leave them alone, and Jongin bravely kissed him, hardly caring if anyone was watching.

“You’re in public,” Sehun snapped, elbowing them both and hurrying after the other members.

Jongin caught himself up in touching Kyungsoo’s hair and playing with the locks, and Kyungsoo eventually got tired of it and pushed his hands away.

“Your hair is so soft.”

“I’m thinking of cutting it short.”

Jongin frowned slightly at that. “Why?”

Kyungsoo looked upset. “Bad idea, or…?”

“No, no!” Jongin insisted, “I just—I don’t—why?”

He gazed at Kyungsoo’s long, soft hair, and tried to imagine it cut short. He couldn’t.

“My stylist recommended it. I thought it’d be easier to handle. And make me look less feminine.”

Jongin didn’t seem satisfied, but nodded slowly. “I guess so.”

Kyungsoo drummed his fingers on Jongin’s biceps, “you don’t like the idea, do you?”

“I’m going to miss running my hands through your hair.”

Kyungsoo looked around him, craning his neck to check that the hallway was empty, before pushing himself up on his toes and kissing Jongin softly on the lips.

“We’ll work something out.”

Jongin smiled, lifting him up and carrying him away into a more private, empty room. Kyungsoo rested his head on the latter’s shoulder, closing his eyes, and listened to each of Jongin’s breaths, in and out, in and out…

“You’re so light,” Jongin said quietly, shutting the door behind them. Kyungsoo smiled weakly, and lolled his head to the side, humming gently as the younger explored his neck with his nose and lips.

I’ll be lighter without so much hair.

✏ [ a/n ] hello my readers i'm back again to absolutely soil your day with a crappy update wow thank you ellie wow you're doing such good to this world lmao thank you to everybody for your wonderful wonderful supportive comments and aye!!!! nearly 300 subs!!!!! and nearly 69 upvotes. you guys are the cutest pies ever i love you all so much thank you for all of your support you lift my heart and make me so so happy i couldn't even say <3 OH AND THIS IS QUITE IMPORTANT FOR ANYBODY LIVING IN AUSTRALIA!!!! WATCH X FACTOR 6:30 SUNDAY NIGHT ON CHANNEL 7 AND SUPPORT MARLISA SHE'S A CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE AND I LOVE HER TO BITS AND SHE'S SO AMAZING AND I AM DEAD EXCITED FOR HER TALENT TO FINALLY BE SHOWN TO THE WORLD!!!! PLEASE SUPPORT HER EVERYBODY WATCHING X FACTOR AUSTRALIA REMEMBER MARLISA MARLISSAAAaaaaaA i'd say her last name but idk if that's been aired and i'd like to keep her privacy secure <3 i think she's the first up onstage too from what i heard from the ads SO IF YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO SUPPORT THIS DUMB STORY i don't blame you SUPPORT MARLISA!! REMEMEBR 6:30 SUNDAY NIGHT ON CHANNEL 7!!!!!! THANKS GUYS OMF FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT I LOVE YOU ALL IDK WHAT ELSE TO SAY I SHOULD REALLY SHORTEN MY A/N THANK YOU I LOVE YOU ALL BYE

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