SEVENTEEN

“Luhan,” Yixing whispered, tapping the elder’s chin lightly. “Luhan, look up at me.”

“I’m tired, Yixing,” he said quietly.

Yixing raised his eyebrows. “You didn’t seem tired this morning.”

Which was true. He wasn’t tired at all; he was just deep in thought. Thinking of ways to confront Minseok that wouldn’t cause him so much distress. He was curious as to whether Minseok had told Kyungsoo about what had happened between them, too.

The group had received an urgent announcement in the morning from their managers, stating that EXO-M’s vocal practice would be cancelled due to their teacher falling ill, and they would be re-scheduled for dance practice, instead. It seemed a legitimate excuse, seeing as the managers had yelled at them all to hurry up, which was always enough to lower everyone’s mood on a bad day.

They were finally in the van, and the lurching of the vehicle as they passed bumps in the road was only adding to his nausea.

“I’m just a little down about the whole schedule change.”

“But you like dancing.”

“I like singing more.”

Yixing shrugged. “If you say so. But if you’re going to be all emotional through practice, you’re going to be in a lot of trouble.”

“I know.”

“You can talk to me if something’s bothering you, you know,” Yixing said, softly. “I saw that distant look in your eyes at breakfast.”

“There’s nothing I want to talk about.”

Sighing in defeat, Yixing slumped back into his seat and shut his eyes. The van pulled to a halt at a set of traffic lights, and a corner of his mind wondered where they were, but he was too drained to even look out the window.

Funnily enough, when EXO-M arrived at their designated practice room after being yelled at to hurry up continually by their manager, the choreographer hadn’t arrived. It turned out he was stuck in traffic and would be half an hour late, so they had thirty minutes of free time before practice.

Luhan took the opportunity to speak to Minseok, because he was close to bursting from the pain of his whirring thoughts.

“Minseok, can you come to the bathroom with me?”

Without waiting for an answer, Luhan grabbed the elder’s wrist and tugged him out of the room, along the hallway and into a small and completely empty bathroom. He locked the door immediately, and Minseok balled his fists.

“Did we not talk enough last night, Luhan?”

“I want to get things straight,” Luhan said, turning around to face him. “I want to sort this out, because I’m not going to live without being able to talk to you. Just listen to me, Minseok. We’ve been friends for years. Can’t you trust me just this once?”

Minseok felt a lump rising in his throat. It was true – they had been friends for years. He’d always been able to open up to Luhan, but not in this way. He’d never thought their friendship would have ended up like…this.

“I do trust you, Luhan,” Minseok replied quietly. “I’ve never not trusted you. This is all just…too much for me. Just…just weeks ago, I was a different person. I’m scared, Luhan. I’m developing a purging disorder, and y-you…the people that mean the most to me end up not being who I thought they were. I always thought you were just…so confident, and so carefree, and now…”

Luhan locked their fingers together, staring at him with softened eyes; and for the first time in a while, lost in Luhan’s gentle gaze…Minseok felt safe.

“I know. I know it’s hard. I’m so sorry, but it’s…it’s not as if this is who I wanted to become either, you know?”

“I know.”

Luhan looked at the floor and shook his head, pulling Minseok against his chest. For just that moment, all his insecurities were forgotten, and he could only think of how hard everything had been, not only for him, but for everyone else. For Kyungsoo, for Minseok, for Jongin, for Zitao, for Junmyeon…

He’d never even spared a thought for Junmyeon. He was the one that really started all of Luhan’s insecurities in the first place – and Luhan was sure Junmyeon was aware of that as well.

What if he was being burdened with the guilt of Luhan’s disorder this whole time? It wasn’t as if he knew what Luhan was doing, but his rapid personality change was undoubtedly obvious.

Minseok rested his cheek on Luhan’s bony shoulder and felt his heart clench, tears welling up in his eyes. He wasn’t ready to let his happiness go. He wasn’t ready to become someone like Kyungsoo.

“I’m sorry this ever happened to you, Minseok,” Luhan choked, suppressing sobs that were collecting in his throat. “I’m sorry for…e-ever yelling at you, when you were going through…all of this…I…I just want you to know, no matter what, you are always s-so beautiful to me, and I, I just…”

Minseok bit his lip and finally let the tears he was holding back roll down his cheeks, eyes closing.

“Don’t bother,” he whispered, lips almost touching Luhan’s skin, “don’t waste your breath.”

For the whole half hour they stood there, together, hands and hearts linked to one another, sharing the support of understanding and simply knowing what one another were going through, the kind of support that was unreachable, a love so precious that only the deepest of friendships could touch. It kept Minseok’s tears flowing and Luhan’s heart throbbing, until they finally calmed down and broke away from each other, responding to the frantic knocking and yells of “get out, the choreographer is here!” on the door.

Luhan helped Minseok wipe away the stray tears clinging to his cheeks, brushing a soft kiss on his forehead, before they left the bathroom and smiled innocently at Jongdae – feeling a lot more emotionally…empty. A large burden had been lifted from their hearts, but there was something else weighing them down. A weightless, lingering feeling that tickled at their minds, that made them feel that, even though they had each other, not everything would be as painless as they thought.

Because it was no longer a simple desire to be thin. It was a battle, a battle too strong, too powerful to ever be defeated, whether it be together or alone.

Kyungsoo felt the pressure crashing down on him like rolling boulders.

He was straining every note, and his raw throat kept breaking every time he tried to belt. His vocal chords were aching, and the vocal teacher and overlooking representative did not look impressed.

When the song finally came to a close and everyone pulled away from their microphones, Baekhyun glanced at the younger in concern. Kyungsoo looked at his feet.

“Kyungsoo,” the vocal trainer said coldly, “you haven’t been taking care of your voice.”

“I’m sorry, sir.”

“Have you been screaming or practising when you shouldn’t have been?”

“No, sir.”

It was the truth. He’d been coughing up acidic stomach liquid instead, multiple times a day, and burning his throat. He knew he was ruining his voice, but he’d always avoided the thought of the consequences.

The representative finished scribbling down notes on his clipboard before he stood up, eyeing all six members, and flatly thanked the vocal teacher, leaving the room.

The members were silent.

The trainer stepped forward, and Kyungsoo cowered.

“Look up at me.”

He raised his chin.

“Why—”

He paused at the word to deliver a loud slap across Kyungsoo’s face that echoed through the room. Sehun gasped, and Jongin whimpered.

“Why,” he continued, “are you lying to me?”

Kyungsoo closed his eyes and bit his lip, trying to keep his wavering voice stable, tears forming behind his lids. He couldn’t afford to break down in front of his group.

“I’m sorry, sir,” Kyungsoo whispered, hiccupping slightly.

“Do you want to lose your job?” he yelled.

“No, sir.”

“Then you’d better damn work for it! Stop being so lazy and careless and start taking care of your damn voice before I fire you all!”

He slapped Kyungsoo’s other cheek, harder than before, and Jongin cried out in horror, covering his face. Junmyeon quickly pulled him into a hug, hushing him desperately.

The vocal trainer looked at them all in disgust. “I don’t ever want to see this happen again.”

“Yes, sir,” they all chorused – all meaning Sehun, Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Jongin had started crying, Junmyeon was trying to silence him, and Kyungsoo felt as if he’d faint if he opened his mouth.

He waved them away. “Get out. Come back when you’re ready to take this career seriously.”

As soon as the door slammed behind them, Jongin fell to his knees and sobbed into his chest, clutching at the carpet in desperation. Kyungsoo immediately bent down to help him up, choking on tears and apologising softly.

“Jongin, please don’t cry.”

“He hit you,” Jongin gasped, looking up and cupping Kyungsoo’s cheeks delicately. “He hit you, hyung…h-he hit you, and it’s not even your fault, you didn’t even lie to him!”

Kyungsoo felt the urge to push Jongin away – knowing perfectly well that if their relationship was revealed, they’d be fired for sure – but he felt the warmth of Jongin’s fingers soothing the stinging pain on his cheeks, and, just that once, he let his touch linger.

He placed his hands on top of Jongin’s, staring into his watery eyes helplessly. “It is my fault.”

“It isn’t,” Jongin insisted weakly, shaking his head. “It isn’t, hyung, it’s not your fault. I promise, it’s not your fault.”

Junmyeon shook Jongin’s shoulder lightly. “Come on, get off the floor, you two, before someone sees. Let’s take this somewhere else.”

Kyungsoo felt too weak to stand, but Baekhyun helped pull him to his feet, followed by Sehun heaving up Jongin. Jongin quickly pulled away from him and attached himself to Kyungsoo again, pulling their bodies together and nuzzling his nose in the elder’s hair.

“I won’t ever let him touch you again,” Jongin cried, rubbing the elder’s sore cheeks tenderly.

Junmyeon tugged them along. “Let’s go eat something. Come on. The others will be finished dancing soon.”

Sure enough, when they reached the public lunchroom, the other six members were seated at a large, half-empty table, waiting for them. They seemed relatively excited when the latter part of the group entered the room, but their smiles fell when they saw Jongin and Kyungsoo.

Yixing stood up. “What happened?”

Sehun pulled Jongin away from Kyungsoo and pushed him down into a seat, shaking his head. Yixing frowned.

“No? Is nobody going to tell me what happened?”

Junmyeon collapsed into the empty seat beside Yixing, sighing.

“The trainer hit him,” he said quietly – but not quietly enough. The whole table gasped, and Kyungsoo put his head down.

“Why?” Yifan cried.

Junmyeon motioned for him to quiet down. “His voice kept breaking.”

Minseok and Luhan looked at each other sceptically, and Minseok turned stark white. Despite that Kyungsoo could have been sick, or didn’t warm up properly, they both knew what it was from.

He hit him. He hit him, because the purging hurt his voice.

“Oh, my God,” Minseok breathed, putting his head in his hands.

“Why was your voice breaking?” Yixing asked, leaning over the table and reaching out to lift Kyungsoo’s chin. Kyungsoo covered his eyes, and Jongin pushed Yixing away.

“It’s not as if he knows,” Jongin said protectively, hugging Kyungsoo’s middle, “stop asking him questions.”

“What does ‘breaking’ mean?” Zitao whispered, pulling Minseok’s sleeve. The elder slapped him away.

“Learn Korean faster and figure it out yourself,” he growled, covering his head with his arms and resting his forehead on the table. Zitao recoiled, heart clunking at his feet, and looked down, mouth shut.

Yifan’s face was flushing red. “Kyungsoo, what have you been doing to—”

“Hyung, stop,” Jongin snarled, “stop asking him questions. Just leave him alone.”

“No, I want to know! He hasn’t been yelling at all, so obviously—”

“Stop it, Yifan!” Jongin screamed, grabbing Kyungsoo and pulling him out of his chair. People eating around them turned in curiosity, watching the scene unfold.

“Jongin, calm down,” Sehun muttered.

“Is it really so wrong that I care about my members, Jongin?” Yifan asked quietly, clenching his fists. Jongin scoffed.

“You’re not caring for him by making him feel even worse about this! Maybe he didn’t do anything, did you ever think about that?”

Yifan stood up, chair scraping back; because he knew Jongin was wrong. The bathroom trips after meals, continually being weak even though he was eating again, not being able to sing as well as he normally could. It was everything Woosung had been, and everything Yifan was terrified Kyungsoo would become.

“Sit down, Jongin,” he breathed, “sit down, right now, and let me talk to Kyungsoo.”

“Make me.”

Everyone, including the people listening in around them, widened their eyes, jaws dropping. None of them had ever seen someone speak so rudely to their elder before, and they were more than horrified. Even Kyungsoo looked up in surprise. Jongin glared at Yifan one last time, before pulling Kyungsoo away.

“Get back here right now, Jongin!” Yifan yelled, but he knew it was no use. He fell back in his seat and buried his face in his hands, starting to cry.

✏ [ a/n ] EVERYBODY PLEASE LOOK HERE AND READ THIS LOOK HERE 'ELLO ALL MY READERS ALRIGHT i'll get this over and done with quickly so you can go: i'd like to put up a warning that in the next chapter there will be a rated scene and i want to warn anybody underage/unprepared about this. in the author's note in the next chapter there will be a short summary that includes all the important information that happens in the chapter but if you're not over 18 and you cannot access the chapter you can just comment and i'll PM the summary to you! there will be one short scene after the long rated scene that everybody can read in the chapter however. OKAY THAT'S BASICALLY IT THANKS FOR READING and if you're still reading thanks so much for all of your support everyone i hope you enjoyed this chapter and DON'T ASK TOO MUCH ABOUT THE NEXT CHAPTER wouldn't want to reveal to much hehe please leave some feedback i'd love to hear what you thought about this! thanks for everything guys you're all amazing i love you so much <3 ANOTHER SHAMELESS ADVERT BTW WROTE ANOTHER ONESHOT FEEL FREE TO CHECK OUT

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