THIRTY-FIVE

Junmyeon was visibly distressed for the next couple of days, with Kyungsoo collapsing everywhere at the most unexpected of times, yet still finding the energy to secretly bring back up every meal he was forced to consume. He was too weak to binge, but purged himself unconscious, refusing to let any food remain in his body.

And still, despite their persistence to intervene and dig into Kyungsoo’s mind, nobody found out about it.

Pale and weak, Junmyeon lowered himself on Sehun’s bed and rested his head on the younger’s chest, breathing out shakily. He shut his eyes, and Sehun patted his shoulder, shuffling over so he had more room beside him.

“I’m so worried about Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon croaked, tears welling up in his eyes. “I don’t know how much longer I can handle the stress. Yifan won’t pick up any of my calls.”

Sehun bit his lip. “I know.”

“I knew debut would be stressful, but…but this…”

“I know. It’s not easy.”

“It’s impossible, Sehun,” Junmyeon whispered, bringing his hands to his face.

I need to escape from this, all of this. Just for a day, an hour, a minute. I need to get away.

He felt terrible for placing his worries upon the youngest member’s shoulders, but he felt completely alone. Baekhyun and Chanyeol were mentally overwhelmed, Jongin was heartbroken, and phoning the members in China simply wasn’t enough. He needed someone, something, anything, to give him the emotional relief he was so desperate for.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered, “I’m sorry, Sehun. I just…I just need to—”

“It’s okay,” Sehun whispered. “You can talk to me if you want to.”

Junmyeon opened his mouth to thank him, but his words turned to water, and somehow, he’d rolled over onto his side and wrapped his arms around Sehun’s neck, crying into his shoulder. Tears turned to pain and he finally released everything he’d been bottling up, crying, gasping, screaming. Everything he’d never been able to say finally escaped, and he ranted violently into Sehun’s t-shirt, scratching at the pillow and balling his fists.

“I can’t take it!” he finished, with a teary shout. “I can’t do this anymore! I ing hate this!”

Quivering all over, he curled himself up into Sehun’s side and cried whatever tears he had left, until he was reduced to a hiccupping, sniffling mess. Sehun never let go of him, hugging him securely, silently taking in all of Junmyeon’s stress and letting him calm down.

Still overwhelmed by all of the pain Junmyeon had poured out into him, he stayed quiet, until Jongin walked in, puffy-eyed.

“I heard…screaming.”

Junmyeon looked up, wiping his nose, and Jongin covered his mouth, starting to cry again.

“I-I heard everything,” he said, shakily. “And I—I’m sorry, Junmyeon.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said weakly, sitting up with Sehun’s assistance.

“I’m sorry you have to take all the pain,” he whispered, “when he’s meant to be…my boyfriend. I’m sorry I can’t protect him enough.”

“Jongin—”

“He’s going to die,” Jongin choked, “and I won’t be able to do anything, right?”

Sehun and Junmyeon both opened their mouths to protest, but they couldn’t say anything. From what it appeared – yes. If he kept getting worse and worse, he would, eventually, die.                                                     

And they were completely helpless.

A month passed.

Kyungsoo had been in hospital for two weeks.

Promotions had halted. Kyungsoo was under almost constant supervision – which meant he refused to eat, since he couldn’t purge. The Chinese group were performing for the last time in China, and then going back to Korea the same day, seeing as they couldn't perform if the other half couldn’t, either.

Kyungsoo had just managed a few bites of his lunch before refusing to eat any more, and was now drawing symbols on his hands that only he could interpret as signs not to eat.

“This one,” he mumbled to himself, finishing a random circle-shaped doodle, “is symbolising the shape you’ll be if you eat.”

He drew a sad face in the centre of it, and smiled.

The nurse in the room looked up. “Did you say something?”

“No.”

She stood up, and took the pen from his hands, frowning at the strange drawings. “Ink isn’t good for your skin. Don’t do that.”

“Can I have paper?”

She looked down at his hopeful face, and sighed. “I’ll have to go downstairs. Stay where you are. Don’t move. Okay?”

He faked a toothy smile, “okay.”

She stepped back, cautious, before turning and walking out of the room.

Three. Two. One.

Kyungsoo pulled off his covers, unplugging his drip, and raced into the connected bathroom, leaning over the bowl and forcing his fingers down his throat. Adrenaline pumping through his veins, he vomited whatever he could in the few minutes of freedom he had, and coughed as quietly as he could. Panicking – but at the same time, feeling emptier and more relieved than ever – he finished purging with rushed jerks of his fingers and hurried flushes, before wiping his mouth and running back to bed, setting himself up as if nothing had happened.

Finally. I’m skinny again.

He settled back into the sheets and calmed his rapid breathing, dizzy from the sudden movements, and shut his eyes to stop the flashing colours.

The nurse walked in quietly, and peered into the room, noticing Kyungsoo waiting patiently in his bed. Assured, she shut the door, and approached with a thin book.

“You can draw in this, instead.”

She placed the book beside his bed, along with a few pens, and he thanked her quietly – making sure his voice didn’t sound strained.

“Did you go anywhere while I was gone?”

He smiled innocently. “Of course not.”

She nodded.

“You’ve been very well behaved. Maybe we’ll take you off heavy supervision if you keep it up.”

Kyungsoo’s lips twitched upwards, and his stomach was slashed with a sharp stab of pain.

“I’d like that.”

“Your band mates are here to see you.”

Kyungsoo opened his eyes wearily, and huffed. “Without warning?”

The nurse shrugged. “We can deny them entrance, if you’d like.”

She opened the curtain around his bed, and Kyungsoo looked at the door. He could see Jongin’s tear-streaked face pressed up against the small window, eyes red and puffy, fingers clawing at the door in silent desperation. He cried out when he saw Kyungsoo’s face, and thumped on the door, only to be pulled back by a pair of hands.

“Kyungsoo!” he heard him scream from outside. “Kyungsoo-hyung!”

The nurse gave Kyungsoo a look, and he snickered. “Let them in, please.”

He expected the nurse to open the door and have five members neatly file in, respecting the other patients – but instead, eleven people barrelled past the woman and ran over to his bed to face him.

The whole band was there.

“Kyungsoo,” Jongin sobbed, climbing onto the bed and kicking away Sehun’s arms. He pulled the elder into a hug, kneeling on the mattress, and cried into his shoulder, arms tangled in the tubes and wires attached to his limbs.

“Jongin!” Junmyeon cried, “be careful with him! Jongin, get off the bed, right now—”

“I missed you so much,” Jongin wailed, burying his face in Kyungsoo’s hospital gown. “I haven’t seen you in weeks, it’s been weeks, I was so worried about you.”

Kyungsoo smiled weakly, and patted his head.

Jongin was yanked off the bed by Sehun and pushed away, out of the crowd of members, and Luhan stepped forward to help Kyungsoo sit up properly.

Kyungsoo’s smile fell immediately.

“Luhan.”

Luhan looked away. “Kyungsoo.”

He sat up on his knees and took Luhan’s chin in his fingers, turning it towards him. Luhan scoffed, but didn’t push him away.

Kyungsoo smiled uncertainly.

“I missed you.”

Luhan made a face. “Yeah, you sure proved it, making Sehun call as an excuse for an apology.”

Immediately, Kyungsoo’s smile faltered.

“Where’s Minseok?”

Luhan stepped back and turned around, scanning the group before him. He squinted, confused, until he saw Minseok standing in the back, arms folded, kicking his feet against the wall.

“One second.”

Luhan approached him slowly, Yixing running forward to take his place and embrace Kyungsoo, and Minseok looked up.

“What are you doing?”

Minseok glared. “I’m not going near him.”

Luhan scoffed. “Are you serious, Minseok?”

“He’s going to think I’m fat,” Minseok growled. “He’s selfish, he stole Jongin’s ity, and he’s skinnier than me. He’s disgusting. Why the would I ever want to go near him?”

Luhan was horrified at his attitude.

“He’s the one that helped you through all of this!” Luhan exclaimed, throwing his hands up in disbelief. “And what does Jongin matter to you, anyway? They’re dating, for God’s sake, they can do whatever they want!”

“He’s only eighteen!”

Luhan felt anger rising. “What, are you jealous of Kyungsoo?”

Their voices were getting louder and louder, and before Minseok could lash out, he noticed they were gaining attention. He shrank back into his corner, frustrated.

“I don’t give a about the ,” Minseok growled. “It’s my weight. He’s going to pretend everything is fine, but he’ll be laughing at me on the inside. Because I break from purging. Because he’s thinner than me. I’m not giving him that power.”

Luhan curled his toes in his shoes, and stepped closer, pinning Minseok to the wall, nose-to-nose.

“Minseok,” he whispered, “don’t do this. He’s not as sane as us. We can control ourselves. He can’t. Just give him the support, Minseok.”

“He doesn’t deserve it,” Minseok spat, meeting Luhan’s eyes.

“He’s not lashing out to upset you! He’s doing it because he’s unstable!”

“Is something going on here?” Yifan broke in, gently pushing Luhan away from Minseok and stepping between them. They both looked up at him, and Luhan met eyes with Kyungsoo, who was staring at them both.

Minseok forced a fake smile. “No. Everything’s fine.”

He gave Minseok a look. “Then let’s greet Kyungsoo, shall we?”

Muttering under his breath, Minseok stepped away from the wall and walked over to the bed, folding his arms and facing Kyungsoo.

“Minseok,” Kyungsoo said softly.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Minseok whispered. He was upset, but he still couldn’t look away from Kyungsoo. He looked deathly pale, so much skinnier than before, and completely broken. His face was bloated and his arms were frail, chest heaving with every shaky breath.

Despite his anger, Minseok felt terrible.

“Can we have some privacy?” Kyungsoo asked, voice strained as his weak voice overpowered everyone else’s. The members fell silent in disapproval, but Junmyeon quickly stepped up to usher them away.

Luhan looked at them cautiously, and Kyungsoo waved him back in.

“Luhan. Stay.”

Jongin gave Luhan a jealous glance, whining about how he wanted to stay as well, before he was pushed out of the room. The nurse raised an eyebrow, and Kyungsoo reassured her they’d only be a few minutes, so she walked out, door shutting behind her.

As soon as the door closed, Minseok started crying.

“I hate you, Kyungsoo,” he sobbed, pulling Kyungsoo into a rough embrace and hugging his tiny frame close. “You’re an , you’re a , I hate you—”

“I know,” Kyungsoo murmured, “I know.”

“ you, Kyungsoo,” he whimpered, pulling away and gently kissing his cheek. Kyungsoo laughed.

“You’re weird,” Kyungsoo whispered, reaching up to touch his cheeks and bring their noses together. Minseok sniffled and punched his shoulder lightly, and Luhan smiled.

“ you.”                        

“I’m sorry, Minseok.”

Blinking away tears, Minseok ran his fingers across Kyungsoo’s head, feeling the fine hairs and staring into his lifeless eyes.

“How could you do this?” he asked quietly. “How could you put yourself in this position? You’re dying, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo smiled sadly.

“Dead people are skinnier, you know.”

And just like that, Minseok’s gaze turned icy cold.

“No.”

Kyungsoo blinked. Luhan’s eyes widened.

“We came all the way from China to make sure you were safe,” he whispered, “and you’re still trying to kill yourself?”

Kyungsoo shrugged. “Whatever it takes to lose weight, Minseok.”

Everything moved too fast. Minseok screamed, and pushed Kyungsoo down violently, grabbing everything on the table beside the bed and throwing it against the wall.

Luhan cried out in horror, and everything smashed to pieces.

“Minseok!” he gasped.

The door slammed open, and the nurse ran in, members following.

“What is going on in here—?!”

“Minseok!” Yixing shrieked, “Minseok, stop it!”

He tossed a half empty bowl at the window, and both the ceramic and the glass shattered to pieces.

“No, Kyungsoo!” Minseok screamed, pelting balled up sheets of paper through the smashed window. “I—won’t—ing—let you—”

Luhan grabbed his arms and pushed him out of the room, tears building up in his eyes, and Minseok screamed again, legs failing beneath him. He fell to the floor in tears, and tore up the paper in his hands, sobbing.

Outside the hospital, a young girl bent over to scoop up rubbish that had fallen in front of her, and frowned, noticing it was crumpled paper. She unfolded it slowly, smoothing it out on her legs, and scanned over the ragged writing covering the slightly torn sheet.

I threw up almost forty times in a row.

✏ [ a/n ] most important things first; i know this is days old news, but the tragedy is stil imprinted on my mind and i apologise for bringing this up again. please, once again everyone, pray for not only eunb to rest peacefully this time, but for rise, as well. kwon risae, go eunbi, rest peacefully in heaven together, still as the angels you always were. guys, please pray for the girls and for sojung, ashley, and zuny, their families and friends. this is such an unfortunate situation and i can barely bring myself to update this story anymore because the idea of idols going through pain is too overwhelming. i've just heard that sojung needs about 6 months of recovery, and god, the news is hard to take. i won't talk any further about it to spare you all the pain -- and remember not to dwell, but never to forget. nothin much to say on this chapter lmao there's some awfully written angst for you!!!!!!! as you can see kyungsoo's getting worse and minseok's going bat and luhan's all like woa!!!!!! so yeah?/1/1/ enjoy idk omg!!!!! thank you guys for all of your comments, your upvotes, your constant support for this awful story that is terrifyingly close to finishing. terrifyingly close. jesus christ i'm--okay i'll shut up now BYE i love you guys

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