ELEVEN

Jongdae cornered Minseok against the door of a broom closet, across from the practice room they’d just left; the same day Kyungsoo had confronted Luhan again. The other members had gone to lunch already, and Minseok’s emotional attack was still burned into Jongdae’s mind.

Minseok gasped as his back hit the door, Jongdae’s arms on either side of him.

“W-What the—”

“What were you talking about last night?”

Palms pressed against the cold wood, Minseok dug his nails into the door, looking away from the face inches from his.

“I-I don’t know what you’re—”

“That thing. About Luhan being gone. And the monsters.”

Oh.

Minseok had calmed significantly after that previous night, and eventually just forgotten about what he’d done, but Jongdae clearly hadn’t. In fact, after Minseok had broken down into tears and never really explained why, Jongdae had been watching him closely, observing his actions. To his astonishment, Minseok had acted completely normal the next morning and thereon, but Jongdae wouldn’t accept that. Minseok had acted the way he did for a reason, and Jongdae wanted – no, needed – to get to the bottom of it.

“I…I just—”

“Don’t give me any lies,” Jongdae hissed, “I want to know the truth. Now.”

Minseok’s knees were giving out, and it took all of his strength to cling onto the door and not collapse. Jongdae was moving closer, and the pressure was pushing into him, paining his head.

“I just…”

Jongdae clenched his fists, before thumping one beside Minseok’s head, making him squeak as the door rattled violently.

“Minseok!”

“I’m sorry!” Minseok cried, meeting eyes with Jongdae. “I’m sorry, okay? There’s just a lot of pressure, and I just…I just snapped, alright?”

Jongdae glared. “Really?”

“Yes!”

“The pressure of what?”

Minseok exhaled loudly. “Everything, Jongdae. Living this life isn’t easy. You know that.”

Jongdae looked him up and down, and Minseok suddenly felt a lot more exposed in a wifebeater and basketball shorts than he really was.

“There’s more than that,” Jongdae muttered, “I know there’s more than that. I told you not to lie.”

Minseok shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes from the anger in Jongdae’s voice. “Please, Jongdae, please believe me. I would never lie to you.”

“Why did you call Luhan a monster?”

Minseok shook his head again.

“Minseok! You called Luhan a monster! You said something’s ‘taking me away from me’, what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I just—”

“I’m sick of your excuses, Minseok!” Jongdae screamed, kicking the door and making it shake again. “How much pressure do you think I’m under, trying to learn a new language and sing more than half the lines in every single song? I haven’t snapped yet, so what could possibly be distressing you this much?”

Finally, Minseok’s legs gave way, and he slid to the floor, curling up in a ball at Jongdae’s feet and breaking down into tears. Jongdae was horrified.

“It’s selfish, isn’t it?” Minseok gasped, “it’s selfish of me to be so pathetic, when I’m just a fat blob behind all the talented people in this damned singing group.”

He pounded the floor with his fist and screamed into his knees, and Jongdae balled his fists.

“Minseok…”

He sank to his knees and placed his hands on Minseok’s shoulders, but the latter didn’t look up.

“Minseok, that’s not what I meant.”

“It is what you meant.”

Jongdae lifted Minseok’s chin and wiped away the falling tears with the back of his hand. Minseok sniffled, but didn’t look away.

“This isn’t what I wanted to happen, either,” Jongdae said weakly, “but…I’m going to help you out of this, okay?”

“It’s too late,” Minseok whispered, “there’s no use trying anymore.”

Jongdae shook his head, “it’s not too late, Minseok. I’ll help you, alright?”

Minseok kept his arms around his knees and didn’t smile, because he knew he’d been distorted too far. There was no going back anymore – there were no decisions or choices left.

“Do you want to go somewhere else and talk about this?”

Minseok shook his head rapidly, and Jongdae nodded in understanding.

“Okay.”

He put his arms under Minseok’s shoulders and lifted him to his feet, drying his still-wet eyes warmly.

“Let’s go have lunch now, okay?”

The last thing Minseok wanted to do was eat, but Jongdae looked determined, so he nodded reluctantly. Jongdae hooked the latter’s arm in his, and together they walked away, side by side.

With Kyungsoo following them far behind.

“Why’d you leave after I asked you about Jongin?”

Luhan had his head in Kyungsoo’s lap; eyes closed in pleasure as the younger gently massaged his scalp and played with his hair. He was lying across the sofa, with Kyungsoo sitting right on the edge, looking down at his content face in satisfaction.

“I don’t know.”

“There has to be a reason.”

Luhan turned his head so his nose was pressed against Kyungsoo’s navel, waiting for the answer that didn’t come.

“Kyungsoo?”

“Yes?”

“What’s the reason?”

Kyungsoo sighed in exasperation. “I’m just close to Jongin, that’s all.”

Luhan inhaled and exhaled gently, and Kyungsoo curled his toes at the feeling of the breaths against his clothed torso. He didn’t like having Luhan so close.

“You’re not meant to be close to anyone,” Luhan murmured, “except me.”

Kyungsoo’s grip on Luhan’s hair tightened, making him huff in pain, and open his eyes. “Let go of me.”

“It’s not my fault Jongin’s close to me, is it?”

“Kyungsoo, let go of my hair.”

“There’s someone else we can trust now, anyway,” Kyungsoo snapped, and Luhan stopped trying to pull against Kyungsoo’s grip.

“Who?”

Kyungsoo smiled.

“Have you been noticing anyone else acting…differently, lately?”

His now loose fingers toyed with the soft locks on Luhan’s head, watching his face screw up in confusion.

“What?”

“Remember last night, when you yelled at Minseok and he broke down in front of Jongdae?”

Luhan’s breathing quickened. Oh.

“You’re kidding.”

“Would I ever lie to you?”

Luhan sat up immediately, back facing Kyungsoo, and he reached to grab his spinning head.

What?

“Minseok…?”

“Minseok,” Kyungsoo breathed, fingers crawling across the sofa and up Luhan’s back to rub his neck.

Oh, no.

“He called you a monster, Luhan,” Kyungsoo whispered, shifting closer so his waist was pushed against Luhan’s back. Luhan kept his gaze to the floor.

“He said you were gone. He said we were gone.”

“H-He can’t—”

“And today—” Kyungsoo’s breath ghosted over Luhan’s neck, and he dug his fingernails into his cheeks, “—today, I saw Jongdae cornering Minseok. After we left for lunch. And he tried to worm the truth out of him.”

“Did he?”

Luhan turned his head slightly, and Kyungsoo’s half-smile came into view.

“Of course not.”

Luhan stared at Kyungsoo from the corner of his eyes, and Kyungsoo’s fingers found their way under the elder’s chin, it softly.

“What happened?”

“He screamed and kicked the door and made him cry.”

“Who?”

“Jongdae.”

“What about Minseok?”

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. “He cried?”

Luhan growled, and Kyungsoo laughed coldly.

“He tried to insist it was the pressure of work, but Jongdae didn’t believe him. And then he broke down into tears and Jongdae stopped talking about it.”

Luhan pushed away Kyungsoo’s curious hands and rubbed away the feeling of fingers on his neck. “How does that assure he’s like us?”

“Because of what he said last night, when you told him you didn’t need him.”

He heard Kyungsoo stand up and walk somewhere else behind him, yet not leaving the room. Luhan didn’t dare turn around.

“I didn’t mean it in that way…” Luhan whispered, more to himself than to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo heard anyway.

Luhan shut his eyes and fell back, sprawling on the couch and covering his eyes. He felt a pair of soft hands brush over his, followed by light footsteps.

The next time he opened his eyes, Kyungsoo was gone.

Luhan returned to the dorm at two in the morning after slaving through hours and hours of vocal practice alone with his obnoxious trainer, vocal chords strained and legs wobbling. He was exhausted.

He switched on the lights with hesitation, jacket slung over one arm, and quietly shut the front door behind him. Nobody was in the room.

The whole dorm was silent, so he took care to move quietly. He locked the door and dropped his keys and phone on the counter, yawning and pulling off his shirt to prepare for sleep as he walked to his bedroom.

He paused, however, when he passed Kyungsoo and Jongin’s room – the door was ajar, and a small sliver of light streamed through the crack. He leaned in and heard quiet, muffled sounds from inside.

Luhan ruffled his hair in confusion, because it wasn’t the time for anyone else to be awake except him. He was the only one scheduled for late-night practices that day.

Curious, he pressed his now against the wall and gently pushed the door open a little more, poking his head through the gap and looking in.

A single lamp beside Kyungsoo’s bed was casting a gentle glow around the room, but Kyungsoo wasn’t the only one on his bed.

Jongin and Kyungsoo were in a similar position as Luhan and Kyungsoo were the previous morning – Jongin sitting on the edge of the bed, with Kyungsoo lying across him, head in his lap. They were staring at each other while Jongin gently toyed with Kyungsoo’s hair, and Kyungsoo tugged at the hem of the latter’s shirt.

Luhan tilted his head in confusion.

They were whispering softly, slowly, inanimately, eyes locked, chests rising and falling in their own satisfied tranquillity.

Luhan felt compelled to walk away, as it appeared to be a private and intimate moment between them, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He’d been noticing Kyungsoo’s change in demeanour when Jongin’s name was mentioned, the way his empty eyes would brighten just that little bit more when Jongin would walk in the room, the way he’d pull down his barriers just to defend Jongin when he was locking himself up to everyone else.

Quite honestly, Luhan thought Kyungsoo was in love.

After a while, Jongin eventually sighed and shifted positions, swinging his legs onto the bed and lying down. Kyungsoo shuffled to the side to allow the younger more room, before he looped his arms around Jongin’s neck and cuddled up to him. Luhan’s eyebrows shot up, and Jongin’s eyelids drooped.

“Hyung,” Jongin said – whispering, but voice still clear, “you promised me you’d be happy weeks ago.”

Luhan gulped. Oh, no.

However, Kyungsoo stayed calm. “I’m sorry, Jongin. It just takes time.”

Jongin’s hands moved, skittering up Kyungsoo’s chest and his collarbones. Kyungsoo’s eyes drifted closed.

“I don’t understand,” Jongin whispered, “you said you got over your disorder. You said you were better now.”

Jongin’s voice sounded strained, and choked.

“But…but if you’re better now, then why…why are you still sad? Why is the sadness still here? When is Kyungsoo coming back?”

The emotional words struck a chord in Luhan’s heart, and he reached up to clutch at his chest, breathing with difficulty.

When is Kyungsoo coming back?

Kyungsoo’s never coming back.

“I’m sorry, Jongin,” Kyungsoo repeated timidly. “I really want me back too. You know I do. It’s just…really hard. To recover fully in such a short amount of time.”

Jongin didn’t seem happy enough.

Kyungsoo’s eyes opened. “I promise I’ll be better soon, Jongin.”

Jongin’s fingers moved again, tracing the small bumps and veins on Kyungsoo’s neck, gazes locking. He stopped when his hands were cupped around Kyungsoo’s cheeks, faces close and breaths mingling.

“Hyung,” Jongin whispered, “I don’t know if you realise how much you mean to me.”

Their knees touched. Luhan’s eyes widened.

“It really hurts me to see you in so much pain. I hate it that you’re sad. I hate it that you’re suffering. I really…just want you to be happy. I love seeing you happy…”

Kyungsoo inhaled deeply.

“And it…it hurts when you hurt me. When you tell me you’re not good enough. And you hit me and push me away and then you cry, because it’s not your fault you’re so angry.”

Luhan was horrified. He’s letting his anger out Jongin?

“I know it’s stupid,” Jongin continued, voice soft, “and I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but…I really like you. I like you, Kyungsoo.”

Their elbows knocked together, and Kyungsoo’s throat evidently closed up.

“Jongin…”

Kyungsoo’s hold around the latter’s neck tightened, and Jongin’s fingers ran along Kyungsoo’s soft cheeks. The moment froze away beneath them, and within seconds, Jongin had leaned forward and let their lips meet.

Luhan stopped breathing.

The two lingered still for a few moments; the yellowing lights casting shadows across their figures, before their legs entwined and they pulled each other closer, desperately, needily.

Jongin’s fingers tangled themselves in Kyungsoo’s hair, thumb massaging circles behind his ears as Kyungsoo’s hands ran up and down Jongin’s neck, tilting his head slightly so he could kiss him comfortably.

The intimate scene was too much for Luhan to handle. To see Kyungsoo so vulnerable, so needful, so deeply entranced in an emotion only scratched upon through defeat of hatred and depression – it pained him. Because he knew this wasn’t Kyungsoo. He knew Kyungsoo was long gone. There was no way he could feel such love that he was demonstrating, not when he had the burden of bulimia, depression, anxiety, blocking his way towards such fervent emotion.

He stumbled back, covering his mouth with the back of his hand, eyes stinging and heart burning in disbelief.

“We’ve only got each other and ourselves.”

“When is Kyungsoo coming back?”

He hit the wall with a quiet bang and slid down, forehead in his palms.

What’s happening?

“What’s happening…?” Luhan whimpered, curling himself into a ball and burying his head in his knees.

Jongin and Kyungsoo fell asleep in each other’s arms, but the elder felt his conscience knocking at his mind as he drifted into slumber. Because he could feel it.

He knew by doing this, he was hurting so many more people than just himself.

“Luhan!” Yixing breathed, “thank goodness you’re awake. I was so scared you’d be asleep all day, with your hectic schedules and everything lately—”

“I’m not in the mood.”

Yixing stepped back, hurt. He’d expected Luhan to be grumpy from lack of sleep, but it didn’t stop the ferocity of Luhan’s words from upsetting him.

“Sorry.”

Luhan and Yixing met eyes, but the younger hurried back into the kitchen, leaving Luhan to lean against the wall and silently cry out his own guilt.

✏ [ a/n ] SHIVERS. HERE'S THE RELATIONSHIP WOW OKAY /EW/ AWKWARD I AM SO BAD AT WRITING CUTE HAPPY WHATEVER LIKE SRSLY I WILL CRINGE AT THE WORD KISS OMFG i'm half-expecting a wave of unsubscribers from people that don't like kaisoo but please, guys. if you're thinking of unsubbing just for the pairing like really i don't care do what you want but this isn't really a story focusing on couples. as i've said before, everything happening is merely for plot. tbh i'm not a huge kaisoo fan myself, like, taekai, omf. but this is for the story <3 also being on the topic of unsubscribers -- i've encountered a couple of people unsubbing so far and honestly, it upsets me. i'm not angry, of course not, if you don't like the story that's perfectly fine. i would just like to selfishly ask -- if you guys want to unsubscribe, could you drop me a comment and tell me why? not because i want to know who's unsubscribing, it's only because i want to know what i can improve and what i'm doing wrong. anyway, it's been a really rough week for me, but the slow flow of subscribers and comments coming in has really kept me hopeful. and it's great to hear you guys are curious about minseok, too! thank you guys. it means a tonne to me and i'd love to hear some more from you. hope you're enjoying <3

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