THIRTY-SEVEN

The members had been sent home – including Chanyeol, who was refused entrance into the ambulance van – and all of them were huddled in the living room, minus Luhan and Junmyeon. Jongin was still asleep; soft whines and breaths escaping from his lips as Sehun his hair. Baekhyun had also dozed off, after tearfully praising Chanyeol’s bravery in taking over first aid, and everyone else was in silence, hoping, praying for the phone to ring with good news.

Luhan was panicking silently in his bed, thoughts spinning uncontrollably, two voices on his shoulders screaming into his ears and battling at his conscience.

Kyungsoo’s dead. Kyungsoo’s dead. You’ve killed him.

He’s not dead. He’s not dead yet.

Who are you kidding, Luhan? He’s not going to survive this. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s gone.

He’s not dead – but you can save him. The doctors don’t know what’s wrong with him. But you do.

You’ll never save him, anyway. He’s gone.

You can save him. Just tell someone. You can make this right.

Luhan gulped, and opened his eyes, looking across the room from the top bunk. Junmyeon was sitting cross-legged on Minseok’s bed; staring up at him, chin in his hands. He smiled weakly once he saw Luhan open his eyes and gaze at him, but it was too frail, too forced, and Luhan could only look away, in too much pain to face the other.

What if he’s not dead? You’ll break the promise you made. You’ll give away his secret, your secret, Minseok’s secret. It’s too late, anyway.

But the thought of Kyungsoo being dead was too much to handle. He would do anything, everything, to save Kyungsoo. His brother, his friend.

Just tell him. It’s worth it for his life.

“Junmyeon?” he called timidly.                                                     

Junmyeon looked up and blinked at him with wide, red and puffy eyes. Luhan sat up slowly, sheets falling off him, and rubbed his stinging eyes with the back of his hand.

You can’t do this. You can’t break such a promise. You can’t do that to Kyungsoo. It’s not as if he’d be happy alive, anyway.

But you can’t just leave him to die.

“Yes?”

Luhan slowly got up and made his way down the ladder, fingers curled around the rungs, feet hitting the floor with a thump louder than he would have expected. It brutally reminded him of how heavy he really was – how fat he was – and he shut his eyes, resting his forehead on the metal bars.

I can’t do this. I can’t tell Junmyeon.                                                

“What is it?” Junmyeon asked, softly. His voice was much closer this time, presence approaching Luhan’s turned back. Footsteps stopping behind the elder, Junmyeon’s arms wound around Luhan’s waist, forehead placing upon his back. Luhan gulped, and his grip tightened around the rungs, the action so strikingly familiar it made him feel ill.

Junmyeon smiled at him sadly, before edging closer and hugging his waist tightly, much to Luhan’s surprise.

He inhaled sharply.

“Luhan, you’re not still upset about yesterday, are you?”

Was there any point that he hadn’t been upset? Was there any time he’d ever recovered from Junmyeon’s words?

He was the one who had started everything. His insecurities, his self-harm, his eating disorder – all of them came back to Junmyeon. And it hurt.

You have to do this, Luhan. For Kyungsoo, for Jongin, for the whole band…for Minseok.

What if Minseok ends up the same way?

“I have to tell you something,” Luhan choked, releasing his hands and turning around in Junmyeon’s arms. Junmyeon lifted his head to gaze up at him, and Luhan felt himself beginning to tremble.

I can’t do this.

You have to do this.

“What’s wrong?” Junmyeon whispered, arms loosening around him. Luhan pushed away, tears filling his eyes, breaths growing ragged.

“You can trust me,” Kyungsoo said, “you can trust me, Luhan. Nobody else is ed up like us. We’ve only got each other and ourselves. There’s nobody else to trust. Everyone’ll just hurt you, like those voices in your head.”

“I…no, never mind.”

Junmyeon frowned, and reached out to take his hand. “Luhan, please tell me.”

“I’ve got nobody else, Kyungsoo,” Luhan exhaled, “nobody else would know, would they?”

“I’m glad you understand now.”

“Kyungsoo’s bulimic,” Luhan blurted.

The stillness between them was overwhelming.

Junmyeon’s jaw dropped, and Luhan put his face in his hands, starting to cry.

“K-Kyungsoo’s bulimic,” he repeated, slightly weaker than the last time, voice shaky from the tears wavering in his chest. His quivering hands covered his eyes as he cried, shielding him from Junmyeon.

“He’s—he’s been purging for…for…he—oh, my God—he’s been purging for a year, and he…he…”

“Luhan,” Junmyeon spluttered, “Luhan, are you—is this…?”

Luhan took his hands from his face and messily wiped his tears from his cheeks. He opened his eyes slightly, facing a sheet-white, shaking Junmyeon, and his mouth just couldn’t help but spit out more.

“And Minseok is bulimic,” he spluttered, stepping back and clutching at his chest. “Every night – every ing night, he just…they just…when Kyungsoo was slapped, his voice, the fainting and the bleeding, he…they’re…”

Junmyeon whimpered, and stepped forward, shaking his head. He placed his hands on Luhan’s shoulders, and Luhan looked at the floor, hand on his wet cheek.

“This whole thing,” Luhan whispered, “this is what happened to Woosung, isn’t it? Kyungsoo’s going to die, isn’t he?”

“L-Luhan…” Junmyeon whispered.

“And—and you know what?” Luhan continued, tears ripping at his voice. “I-I’m in on this whole bull, as well. They’re not the only ones with—with the eating disorder.”

Junmyeon began breathing rapidly, chest contracting.

No, no, no.

“The thing is,” Junmyeon continued, his voice a little weaker this time, “it all seemed to start from…from that one night I made a comment about his weight. Does this mean…if Luhan really does have an eating disorder…is…is it all my fault?”

He never recovered.

Luhan laughed bitterly, fingers digging into his cheeks, and choked back a sob.

“Except, for me, I’m pathetic,” he snapped, voice hoarse. “They’re bulimic, but I’m too weak and useless and fat to even throw up. I just eat, and eat, and every ing calorie just sits in my body and turns into horrible, disgusting, blubbery ing fat. I can’t even—” he laughed again, “I can’t even identify my own ing disorder. I’m so useless and disgusting, with my ing disorder, my not otherwise specified disorder that’s ruining the useless life I’ve gotten myself into.”

Junmyeon was dumbfounded. He’d had suspicions all the way through, but he didn’t expect Luhan to come forth like this.

“Maybe I should have been the one that died,” he spat, hatred lacing his voice. “He’s talented, and he’s got a boyfriend, and he’s ing skinny. I’m useless and weak and pathetic and all I can do is count calories and cut myself and get fatter and fatter and nobody gives a about me, anyway—”

Everything had happened too fast – the confession, the crying, the kiss that Junmyeon forced on Luhan’s lips at the heartbreaking words.

Taken aback by surprise, Luhan’s sobs caught in his throat, and he staggered back. Junmyeon moved forward with him, hands still on his shoulders, and slammed him against the wall, making Luhan whimper in pain. He stood on his toes and deepened the kiss, hands moving fast, running up and through his hair, down his chest, grabbing at his shirt and trailing his fingers underneath it.

Broken from his trance of surprise, Luhan gasped, and pulled away, lips detaching. He yanked Junmyeon’s hands from his skin, and looked at him in horror, tears still leaking from his eyes.

Junmyeon’s eyes were filled with sadness, astoundment, a want and love so deep it was terrifying. He stared up at Luhan with desperate eyes, cupping his cheeks and pressing their noses together – tears of his own now falling.

“Luhan,” he whimpered, “how could you say that?”

Luhan pushed him away.

“You’d understand if you were fat, like me.”

Frustrated, upset, and overcome with emotion, Junmyeon grabbed him once more and pulled him back into a forceful kiss, teeth and tongue moving skilfully, taking Luhan off-guard.

“You’re not,” Junmyeon growled, taking Luhan’s bottom lip into his teeth and making him mewl, “you are not fat, Luhan.”

Too choked up to reply, Luhan pressed himself against the wall and weakly clutched at Junmyeon’s shirt, half pushing him away, and half tugging him closer. He felt needy, for the warmth, for the support, for the reassurance that Junmyeon was forcing through the kiss. Junmyeon responded passionately, letting his hands roam once more, hands gliding down his neck, up his shirt, squeezing his thighs and occasionally breaking away to move his lips to Luhan’s neck – making him gulp and arch his back each time.

“Junmyeon!” he gasped, grabbing his arms and weakly as the younger latched onto the skin between his collarbones.

This is wrong. This is so, so wrong.

He curled his toes and lolled his head to the side, wanting him to stop, but desperate for him to move further.

Kyungsoo’s dying, and you’re letting Junmyeon kiss you all over?

Luhan shivered. “S-Stop!”

He dug his fingernails into Junmyeon’s arms and pushed him away, shaking his head. Junmyeon stumbled back and looked up, breathing shallow.

“Luhan, I—”

Luhan burst into tears again, wrapping his arms about his body and ducking his head.

“What are you doing?” he cried, “Kyungsoo’s ing dying, and you’re trying to—to touch me?”

Junmyeon shook his head softly, and tried to move forward once more. Luhan slapped him off, and screamed for him to go away, no matter how much the younger persisted.

Tears falling, Junmyeon finally broke past Luhan’s blows and wrapped his arms around his neck, and Luhan shattered.

“Luhan,” Junmyeon whispered, “Luhan, I never meant—I never meant to hurt you.”

Luhan choked.

“Well you’re a bit d-damn late, aren’t you?”

The words were like a slap to the face.

After all this time, over a year, countless months – everything was his fault.

That one simple, innocent afternoon, where he’d been stupid enough to make a comment about Luhan’s weight – he’d never intended to hurt him. Every time they’d fought, every time he’d said something touchy, every time he’d ever spat out a careless insult – he’d never, ever, intended to hurt Luhan.

Not only was he hurting Luhan – Luhan was hurting himself.

“Luhan,” he said quietly. “Luhan, I’m sorry.”

Luhan shook his head, cheek pressed against the top of Junmyeon’s head.

“It’s my fault,” Luhan replied. “It’s my fault for being fat.”

“No,” Junmyeon retorted, clenching his fists together. “No, Luhan, you’re not—”

“Why do you even bother?” Luhan said, biting back from yelling at him. “What’s the point? Do you honestly think your bull lies are going to pull me out of my disorder like that?”

Junmyeon snarled. He was moving up and down between anger and compassion; wanting to scream and smack some sense into him, yet hold him in his arms and kiss him at the same time. He couldn’t bear seeing Luhan so broken, but it killed him to think he wouldn’t – or, more accurately, couldn’t – listen.

“No,” he retaliated. “I don’t think I can pull you out of your disorder. Of course I can’t. I’m just as pathetic and weak as you are, if not more so, because I’m the one that created the disorder within you.”

He pulled back looked up, angry. “The disorder isn’t the monster. It’s me. I’m the monster. That voice in your head that tells you you’re fat – it’s my voice, isn’t it? I’m the one that’s ruined you. I’m horrible, and pathetic, and God knows if I’ve said anything else that’s turned Minseok into a puking machine and Kyungsoo into a corpse.”

Cheeks burning up, he began to tremble, and braced his teeth so as to not scream in frustration.

It’s me. It’s my entire fault.

With a cry of frustration he couldn’t fight back, he lifted his arm and swung a fist at the wall, right beside Luhan’s head. The plaster splintered with an ear-shattering crunch, and Luhan hollered in surprise, flinching.

“I can’t believe I let this go!” he screamed. “My own ing band mate, the one I’m supposed to be protecting, is lying in a hospital bed dying because he’s been throwing up every meal he eats and I’ve never, ing, noticed!”

He pounded the wall again with his other fist, making a cracked dent right beside Luhan’s other cheek.

“Minseok’s killing himself, and y-you…”

Luhan looked down at him, shaking, and Junmyeon took his chin in his hands and kissed his lips once more. Despite his anger, this time, it was gentle, with tender movements and soft caresses, and Luhan needily kissed back. It lasted for seconds, minutes, what felt to them like hours and days, but eventually they broke away, lips parting with a soft breath escaping their lips.

“This whole time,” Junmyeon said quietly, opening his eyes and running his fingers along Luhan’s jaw, “you didn’t even feel loved. You’ve felt so unwanted to the point where…where you’re hurting yourself, you’re starving yourself, you want to die…and this whole time, I was too cowardly to even tell you how I feel…”

Luhan shivered under his touch, and his breath hitched in his throat.

I was too cowardly to even tell you how I feel.

“All this time,” he continued, “all you’ve needed to save your own life was someone to care about you. All this time, I’ve been ing in love with you, and I was too scared to even protect you from—from all of this, to admit how I feel and prevent everything…”

Luhan hugged his waist and pressed their foreheads together, shaking his head. He wanted to insist that it wasn’t his fault – but the words were stuck in his throat.

Because it was.

Not only for not noticing what was happening, but for first creating the disorder within Luhan, for not destroying what he had really started.

“I’m sorry,” Luhan choked. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Junmyeon’s breath shadowed over Luhan’s swollen lips, and he looped his arms around the elder’s neck once more. In their intimate position, time fell away beneath their feet, and, temporarily, all thoughts of Kyungsoo did, too.

“Why do you keep apologising?” Junmyeon murmured, ignoring the leftover tears still rolling down his own cheeks. “It’s my fault for doing this to you, anyway.”

“All I’ve done is hurt you,” Luhan whispered. “I could have stopped this, all of this. I knew everything that Minseok and Kyungsoo were doing. I was the only one that could have saved Kyungsoo’s life, and now…it’s all over. It’s all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault. You were suffering, too. You had enough pressure on yourself, already.”

Junmyeon looked down at Luhan’s lips, and then back up into his sparkling eyes – likely from tears, but sparkling nonetheless. His fingers drifted over Luhan’s neck and made him gulp from the sensitive touch, and Junmyeon could only press closer, arms against the holes in the wall he’d made.

“And honestly,” he breathed, “I’m scared for Kyungsoo, and Minseok, but…it’s you I really care about, Luhan.”

All thoughts of Kyungsoo, Minseok, and how ridiculously wrong everything they were doing was, dissipated from Luhan’s mind; and he leaned forward to capture that unforgettable kiss for the last time, just to see the last shred of hope that, maybe, he could be worth something, shine.

✏ [ a/n ] :// kinda disappointed with this chapter. stupid and useless. BUT HERE'S WHERE ALL THE GOES DOWN AHAHA-- key, you got your wish. here's some nice, overdramatic suhan for you. to my readers who despise this couple -- NEVER FEAR!!!!!!!111! i promise you at the end of the story all the otps will satisfy everyone. ( how, do you say? there wiLL BE NONE ) nah you'll see trust me lmao bear with me guys, i know most might not like the suhan but it's not going to impact the story any futher (and it won't last coUGH COUGH--) i'll stop talking about the otps now OMG onto the important stuff; GUYS. THERE ARE LITERALLY 2.5 CHAPTERS LEFT (2 and an epilogue) OF THIS STORY. I'M GOING TO SCREAM IDK HOW TO HANDLE THIS???????? IT'S GOING TO END SO FAST IM SO AFRAID BUT NEVER FEAR MY CHILDREN!!!!1!! WE CAN ALL STAY IN CONTACT RIGHT???? RIGHT????? STILL TALK TO ME. all my authors notes are just the same every single time. LITERALLY it's always 1) I HATE THIS CHAPTER!!!!!! 2) StaY IN CONTACT WITH ME ILY GUYS 3) UNWANTED PROMOTIONS. NOW WHO AM I GONNA PROMOTE THIS AUTHORS NOTE?!??! GOD I'M SO PREDICATABLE RIGHT!??!?! okay nwo im just annoying myself i'll shut up kISSES KISSES I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!! <3 KK BYE

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