TWENTY-FIVE

Jongin had stumbled back into his bedroom from using the bathroom, eyes practically glued shut from sleep, limbs weak and hands wet. It was past midnight, and he was frustrated from being woken up by his stubborn bladder, and wanted nothing more than to snuggle into the warm blankets and sleep for weeks. Basically, he felt exhausted.

He shut the door behind him, engulfing the bedroom in darkness, and felt his way to his bed – joined with Kyungsoo’s once more – sighing in relief when he touched the soft material of the blankets. It was dark, but his eyes managed to adjust, and he pulled back the covers and slid inside.

His legs touched Kyungsoo’s, and the elder stirred.

“Sorry,” Jongin whispered. Kyungsoo’s head lolled to the side, unresponsive.

Slowly, the latter rearranged the blankets, his gaze focused on the sleeping other. The only light was from outside, leaking through the cracks in the door, and the moonlight spilling through the spaces between the blinds, but Jongin could still see his boyfriend through the shadows. He smiled.

Lying down and rolling onto his side, Jongin reached out and lazily played with the soft black locks on Kyungsoo’s forehead, and leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on his cheek.

When he confirmed Kyungsoo was asleep, his curious hands trailed down Kyungsoo’s face and neck, settling on his chest. Even though the light was scarce, he could still see the elder’s shirt, and laughed slightly. He hadn’t noticed when they went to bed, but Kyungsoo was wearing one of his shirts. It was too long for his small frame, and his boxer shorts had ridden up, hidden underneath it, making his legs look practically bare. Even the murky darkness couldn’t hide the milky whiteness of Kyungsoo’s skin.

Jongin kissed his cheek again; hands running down to gently touch his thighs.

Kyungsoo was never shy when it came to touching Jongin. He would let his hands roam everywhere, exploring him, admiring his beauty – but he never liked to be touched himself. Jongin, secretly, grew increasingly frustrated, and wished he could see the beauty concealed beneath Kyungsoo’s conservative clothing, but respected the elder’s shyness and never pushed him into it.

He was guilty, and felt as if he was taking advantage of Kyungsoo’s vulnerable state of unconsciousness, but he couldn’t help letting his hands explore. He wanted to feel Kyungsoo, identify every part of him, recognise all of his bumps and moles and scars that made up him.

Scars, however, in a different context to what he discovered.

Hands roaming the smooth legs, Jongin familiarized himself with Kyungsoo’s body – until he reached the feeling of long, thin, straight bumps along his thighs. They were hard, raised lines on his skin, layered on top of each other, tiny and rough to the touch.

His heart flew up in his throat, and immediately he thought, no, no, don’t let this be true. Please, tell me this isn’t true.

Jongin pulled the covers back, and grabbed a nearby torch beside their bed for emergencies. He flicked the switch, and the room shone.

It was just as he suspected.

Cuts.

He turned off the torch, letting it drop from his fingers, but he stayed frozen in the same place.

Cuts. Cuts.

Is he cutting himself?

Has he stopped?

He fell back onto his pillow, and a shaky sigh escaped from his lips.

I didn’t even realise he’s cutting himself. I can’t believe it.

He dragged his hands up his face and through his hair, eyes shutting.

I’m such a useless boyfriend.

Jongin’s heart was hurting, but he still managed to wrap his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist and nuzzle his head into his neck. He pressed a few soft kisses on the skin, before wrapping their legs together, letting himself drift into guilty slumber.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispered, “Jongin, wake up.”

Jongin moaned in protest and stretched out his arms, rubbing his eyes. “Huh?”

“Jongin, there’s something on your face.”

His eyes immediately snapped open and he tore his hands from his face. “What is it?”

Kyungsoo smiled. “Me.”

He rolled on top of Jongin and pressed their lips together, and Jongin laughed into the kiss, despite his panic. His rapid heartbeat calmed, and he once again placed his arms around the latter, hugging him close.

“Good morning,” Kyungsoo breathed. Jongin squeezed his hips lightly, “morning.”

Kyungsoo lay on him for a few more moments, before rolling back off onto the mattress. Jongin took the opportunity to pull Kyungsoo into his arms, and their shoulders knocked together, smiles bright against one another.

Jongin looked down, “you look so cute in my clothes.”

Kyungsoo shrugged. “I really like this shirt.”

Jongin pressed their foreheads together. “You can keep it. It looks better on you, anyway.”

Kyungsoo subconsciously reached down to tug his boxer shorts down, so they weren’t hidden beneath Jongin’s long shirt, and suddenly, Jongin felt a hot rush to his cheeks.

Is he trying to hide…?

Kyungsoo smiled shyly, “it’s too long for me.”

“Kyungsoo…”

Jongin sat up, frowning, and pushed the blankets away, exposing them both completely. Kyungsoo furrowed his eyebrows, arms wrapping around his chest from the loss of warmth, and rolled over on his back.

“What?”

Jongin didn’t turn back, and Kyungsoo grew worried. He tugged at the younger’s arm, “what, Jongin? What happened?”

“Last night…”

Kyungsoo finally sat up. “What? Jongin, cut it out, you’re scaring me.”

“You’re scaring me.”

Kyungsoo fell silent.

“You told me,” Jongin whispered, “that you recovered. That you’re better now.”

“I am!” Kyungsoo protested, “I eat at every meal! You’ve been watching me!”

“Then what’s this?”

Jongin moved to kneel in front of Kyungsoo, and straightened the elder’s legs on either side of him. Before Kyungsoo could react, Jongin had already pushed the shirt back, and pulled up the legs of the boxers, revealing most of Kyungsoo’s thighs. Not all, but enough.

Kyungsoo panicked, and kicked him away. “What the hell?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

Kyungsoo was flushing, and felt dizzy. “I don’t—”

Jongin grabbed his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me you were cutting yourself?”

“I-I’m not—”

“Don’t lie to me!” Jongin cried, “how much are you lying to me, Kyungsoo? Is everything you’ve ever told me a lie? Have you really recovered, or is that just one big secret as well?”

Kyungsoo bowed his head, tears filling in his eyes, and Jongin was flooded with regret.

“I’m sorry, Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispered.

Jongin bit his lip and shuffled forward, sitting up on his knees and pulling Kyungsoo into his chest. “I’m scared, Kyungsoo. You’re hurting yourself.”

“I’m not doing it anymore,” Kyungsoo insisted, “I haven’t done it in a while.”

Which was somewhat the truth. He hadn’t relapsed in a few days, and that was a big achievement for him, considering his circumstances.

“Why do they look so fresh?”

Kyungsoo glared. “You shouldn’t know what fresh cuts look like, Jongin.”

“I’m just assuming.”

Kyungsoo shook his head. “They’re from a while ago. These aren’t fresh. I’m not cutting anymore.”

Jongin looked heartbroken. “You never told me.”

“I didn’t want to burden you.”

Jongin shook his head and pressed their lips together, pushing Kyungsoo back until his body touched the headboard of the bed. His hands moved down back to the elder’s thighs, still advancing into the kiss, and Kyungsoo jerked.

“Stop,” he gasped, breaking their lips apart.

“Calm down,” Jongin whispered. He let his hands drag over Kyungsoo’s skin, and the latter whined in protest.

“Jongin, please, stop.”

Jongin looked down. “Those ones look fresh. They’re red.”

Kyungsoo sighed, shutting his eyes and letting his head fall back onto the headboard. He had given up fighting back, and let Jongin’s hands roam.

“They’re all old,” he said quietly.

Jongin was unconvinced, but he didn’t say any more. He wrapped his arms around the elder’s thin waist and kissed him again, apologizing under his breath for never realizing.

Minseok didn’t look any better. He sat down slowly, knuckles white from clutching the table so tightly, and his already dark eye bags had intensified in colour. Chanyeol helped him down, but Minseok hardly acknowledged it.

“You okay?” Chanyeol mumbled, patting his back. Minseok nodded, slumping back in the chair, and yawned.

Yifan was first to the table that morning, and had his head on Zitao’s shoulder, half-asleep. Zitao was rubbing his back and spoon-feeding him steaming hot soup, forcing a smile every time he looked up.

“Hangover soup,” he whispered, nodding proudly at his knowledge of the foreign word. Luhan pretended to be surprised, but he’d been awake when Yifan and Yixing came back late at night, and already knew Yifan had gotten drunk.

Yixing looked exhausted when he finally sat down with Sehun. When the others asked, he claimed he was tired from having to cook so much, but they all knew that was a lie – Yixing never got tired from cooking.

They ate in silence.

Finally, fed up, Baekhyun threw his utensils down, and stood up.

“I’ve had enough. I can’t do this.”

Junmyeon got to his feet and grabbed him before he could walk off. “Wait, Baekhyun. What’s wrong?”

He glared at all of them. “What’s wrong? Really?”

Junmyeon’s shoulders slumped. “Sorry, I…I just don’t—”

“Look at you all!” Baekhyun cried.

All of the members stared at him in disbelief. Just the anger in his eyes was enough to make them feel ashamed, even though they had no idea why.

“Is this really what we’ve become as a group?”

Shaking off Junmyeon’s grip, he turned to face the table, folding his arms. His eyes glimmered with hatred, and everyone flinched.

“We’re meant to be a team. We’ve worked so hard to get up to this point, and this is what we’ve turned into? Angry, exhausted, frustrated s, getting drunk because we can’t provide the support for one another that we need?”

Yixing looked hurt. “Baekhyun, please—”

“Are you all serious? Is this what we’ve really turned into? Do you all realise how close our debut is? We can’t afford to go out and get drunk when drastic things happen like this! How are you all going to handle the hate we get when we finally debut, huh? We’re all going to give up and get drunk, and then mope around silently the next day?”

“Baekhyun!” Yixing snapped, “Yifan’s hurt right now!”

“Drinking is completely against the rules!” Baekhyun retaliated. “I know this is hard, but he’s putting all of our careers in danger!”

“Let him go, Baekhyun,” Junmyeon said softly. “Woosung meant a lot to him.”

“So we’re all going to brush this off as if it doesn’t ing matter?” he yelled.

Zitao stood up. “Stop.”

Baekhyun gave him a cold glare, before turning and storming off.

“Baekhyun!” Chanyeol cried.

“I’m done!” he snapped, turning around one last time. “I’m ing done, with all of you! I don’t even want this damned career anymore!”

Yifan put his head down on the table and cried the moment the door slammed shut, because he knew everything was his fault.

He could feel hands and pairs of arms hugging him, and one of them was, surprisingly, Kyungsoo’s. He could feel the bones against his back as the younger embraced him. The thinness reminded him of Woosung.

If he hadn’t gotten drunk, nothing would ever have happened. If he had stepped up to help Woosung when he needed it most, nothing would ever have happened.

 If he’d loved Woosung enough to give him a reason to live, he could have saved his life – and maybe, just maybe, he thought, as Kyungsoo’s hollow hands his back in a failed attempt of comfort, nothing would ever have happened, to anyone.

✏ [ a/n ] hello my little squishy muffins of readers you are!!! here's another disappointing chapter as usual as a gift to thank you for all your dedication to supporting me pfft <3 guys thank you so so much, you really do cheer me up every time i see your cute little comments and messages supporting me it just makes my heart soar to know there's people that genuinely benefit from this crappy story and make me feel confident about it despite how cringeworthy i find it c': i know i already put this in the story feed but the lovely --baekseul placed the story in her exo fic rec story and i was pretty damn honoured to be put in such a quality fic rec story so thank you to the absolute moon and back for that kind of compliment i just?!?1 and of course without each and every reader of mine i would not have gotten this far and gained this much love for this silly story, every one of you matter to me i love you guys so much <3 i've been pretty down lately -- having a few friendship problems, falling ill, report cards -- but having this wonderful little community of supporters giving me a strong backbone is really helping me pull through so thank you guys so much i truly do love you, you're not only supporting the story but supporting me as a person and i couldn't ask for anything more than that <3 anyway i'm also in the process of writing a taoris oneshot and a baekhyun oneshot because getting intense colds = great fic ideas!!!! dunno if they'll ever be posted but i'm ripping through them atm so i'll mention it at some point if they're ever up <3 anyway my throat feels like i just walked out of a fricking concert it is so raw and sore and i cant even breathe through my nose anymore so i'm gonna try and get some sleep later on and hopefully be able to get to school tomorrow >:c i know this a/n is long but how's everyone with school lately (if you're in school)??? i know there's vacations rn in some places and semester one break is coming up here in aus so how are you guys coping?!?! FELLOW AUSTRALIANS HOW ARE YOU DEALING WITH THE COLD!!!!! I'M NOT DEALING WITH IT WELL LMFAO alright seriously i'll shut up and try and get some sleep GOODNIGHT YOU CUTIE CUPPIE CAKIE THINGS YOU 

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