SIX

When Luhan arose again, it was around three in the afternoon, and he felt groggier and more exhausted than ever. He could hardly lift his head, let alone call out for Kyungsoo – but he didn’t need to, anyway. When he looked across his bed, he saw Kyungsoo sitting on the other side, dangling his legs off the edge and staring down at the floor.

“Kyungsoo?” he rasped.

Kyungsoo lifted his head, but didn’t even make an effort to smile at him. He blinked for a few seconds, before nodding and jumping off the bed, walking out of the room.

“Wait!” Luhan exclaimed, before falling back and coughing into his blankets, head pulsating with every strain.

He was alone again. His body felt cold, but his head was hot, and he wanted to shrivel up and fall asleep once more to escape the burning in his throat and the weakness in his limbs.

Fortunately, Kyungsoo returned again, this time with a bowl and a cloth in his hands. He rested them carefully at Luhan’s feet, before climbing back up the bunk again, making sure not to tip them over.

“W-What’s that?”

“I’m going to cool you down,” Kyungsoo said quietly, “don’t move.”

He picked up the bowl and cloth again, before edging over and kneeling next to Luhan, using his free hand to pull the blankets off the elder. Luhan whimpered and visibly recoiled, trying to hide himself from the cool air in his room, but Kyungsoo shook his head.

“Can you undo your buttons? I can’t do it with one hand.”

Only then, Luhan realised what was happening. Kyungsoo had cool water in that bowl, and he was going to wet his chest and face with it to drop his temperature. His could feel his stomach flipping, and he shook his head violently, terrified.

Luhan's mind was suddenly flooded with thoughts, and he gasped and moved away, eyes widening. I’m too fat. I don’t want him to see me. I don’t want him to look at my body. What if I look fat? No, no, no…

“Luhan,” Kyungsoo snapped, “don’t be disobedient. Do you want to be sent to hospital? I can’t carry you to the bath off the top bunk myself, so just let me do this.”

Terrified, Luhan slowly brought his fingers up to his shirt, and flicked the buttons undone, Kyungsoo watching him patiently. He was incredibly embarrassed, and wished Kyungsoo would stop staring at him, but he was taking up enough energy leaning up and undoing the buttons, so he couldn’t tell him to look away. He’d be seeing his body when he cooled Luhan down with the water regardless. There was no escaping it.

Once the last button was undone, Luhan timidly pushed his shirt off his shoulders and shrugged it off, lying back down and looking to the side, refusing to meet Kyungsoo’s huge eyes. He could feel Kyungsoo’s knees pressing up against his hips as he placed the plastic bowl on the other side of Luhan, dipping the cloth in it.

“Stay still until I tell you to move. I’ll help you turn over when I need to do your back.”

He winced as a warm hand was placed just above his waistline for support, at the same time the icy cold cloth was placed in the middle of his chest. Immediately the droplets of water ran down his body and he shivered, because he knew his skin was hot, but he felt so, so unbearably cold…

“Don’t move!” Kyungsoo yelled, grabbing onto Luhan’s arm as the elder tried to shift positions, “you’ll knock over the water!”

“K-Kyungsoo,” Luhan gasped, “it’s c-c-cold—”

“I know it’s cold,” he hissed, “I need you to stay still so I can calm your fever.”

Reluctantly, Luhan remained still as Kyungsoo slowly dragged the wet cloth along his chest. Eventually he got used to the cool wetness and relaxed a little, but still felt incredibly exposed lying shirtless in front of Kyungsoo. Worse, Kyungsoo was indirectly touching him – what if he could feel the fat beneath the cloth? What if he was judging him? What if he’d tell all the members he was ugly and fat and pathetic when they returned, and rumours would spread and he’d be kicked out of the group or fans would hate him and he’d—

Luhan gasped and grabbed the shirt he’d left beside him, pushing Kyungsoo’s hands off him and covering his body up. The water bowl was knocked over by his elbow and the liquid spilled all over the mattress, but he was too caught up in his own horror to even acknowledge it.

He didn’t want Kyungsoo seeing him. He didn’t want anyone seeing him. He was ugly, he was hideous, he was terrified.

Kyungsoo’s mouth fell agape as the container of water was knocked over, and Luhan scooted right back against the edge of his bed, covering his body with his discarded shirt, saying nothing. They only stared at each other, breathing hard, before Kyungsoo finally shut his mouth and placed the cloth down.

Holding his breath, Luhan watched Kyungsoo sit back on his knees, staring at him with such intent it almost drove him insane. Kyungsoo was scary.

“Why’d you do that?” Kyungsoo asked quietly, but the bitter cold in his voice indicated that he already knew, anyway. It petrified Luhan. He knew, right at that moment, that Kyungsoo hadn’t changed at all.

He was the same man he’d been back when he was starving himself. Something was wrong with Kyungsoo. Something was wrong with himself.

“P-Please leave me alone,” Luhan whispered, head throbbing, cheeks flushed.

Kyungsoo stared.

“Why?”

“I-I really need to be alone. Please. Please go away.”

Kyungsoo watched Luhan a little longer, before reaching out and touching his arm, gently running his fingers up and down the limb. Luhan shivered and slapped it away, the tingling feeling of the younger’s touch remaining, and he quickly rubbed the warmth away with the heel of his palm.

“Luhan…”

“Go away,” Luhan whimpered, “please, please, just go away, please…d-don’t look at me, please…”

Kyungsoo watched as collecting tears began slipping down Luhan’s cheeks, as he cowered back further and tried to tug at the blankets to cover his bare chest.

“Why?”

“I…I…”

“You weren’t shy about your body a year ago.”

Luhan gulped and messily smeared away his tears, shaking violently – not just because of his fever. For a moment he thought Kyungsoo was simply curious as to why he was acting so abnormally, but he could just tell from the look in his eyes that Kyungsoo knew. He was asking questions he already knew the answer to, simply for the satisfaction of hearing the words come from Luhan’s mouth.

“I just…I just don’t like it when…when you touch my—”

“Don’t lie to me, Luhan,” Kyungsoo breathed, inching closer and forcing Luhan to press further into the cool metallic bars of the bedframe. “I know what’s happening.”

Kyungsoo crawled closer until they were practically nose-to-nose, and Luhan shrank back, looking over his shoulder and only seeing the bedroom floor miles below. If Kyungsoo didn’t give him a heart attack first, he’d probably end up falling off the bed and dying instead. He was trapped.

in a shaky breath, Luhan curled his toes around the sheets, and Kyungsoo reached out to cup the elder’s cheeks in his hands.

“Luhan,” he whispered, “I’ve seen everything. Your phone. Your plans. I can see right through you. Do you really think I’m that ignorant, Luhan?”

A slender finger ran over Luhan’s cheek, and he whimpered.

“You’re no different to me,” Kyungsoo purred, “we’re the same, aren’t we? The voices are controlling you, aren’t they?”

Kyungsoo wedged his knee between Luhan’s legs, and, soundlessly, the elder cried out. Everything was happening too fast. Kyungsoo knew everything, everything, and all sane thoughts had been completely erased from Luhan’s mind. He’d never seen this side of Kyungsoo before. He couldn’t handle the confrontation. It was just too much.

The helpless croaks that cracked from Luhan’s throat were muffled by Kyungsoo’s wandering fingers, which pushed his chin up to shut his mouth.

“You’re just as ruined as I am, aren’t you, Luhan?”

For countless long minutes, they sat frozen in the same position; Luhan pressed up against the back of his bed with his hands clutched around his shirt, Kyungsoo inches away from him, cupping his face in his hands and breathing hard. Luhan was paralysed, and Kyungsoo wasn’t moving back.

At last, Kyungsoo pulled away, hands running across Luhan’s face before finally being placed beside him. Luhan watched his every move – his penetrating gaze, his skinny frame, the rise and fall of his chest as he slowly backed away, before climbing down the bed and leaving Luhan to bury himself in his own horror, between the sopping wet bed sheets and the discarded cloth that left burning cold tingles on his skin.

Luhan and Kyungsoo didn’t interact again, until Zitao returned from his schedules at five, curious as to why Luhan was stumbling to the bathroom without Kyungsoo’s help. He immediately assisted the elder, smiling at him and offering to make him some soup, since he was ‘too pale, like a bed sheet’.

Luhan was too weak to protest, so he simply clung onto the young one and rested his throbbing forehead on Zitao’s shoulder, letting the strong boy carry him into the shiny white of the bathroom.

He offered to help Luhan stand while he used the bathroom, who declined quickly, and sighed as the door shut behind him. The thoughts of Kyungsoo’s horrifying actions were still haunting him, and he wanted nothing more than to reverse time and make everything go away.

Because Kyungsoo knew. No matter how good Kyungsoo’s acting was, he was still the same person with the eating disorder. And now, he could see through Luhan as well. They were both just as broken as one another, and there was no escaping it.                                                 

Tying the loose strings of his pyjama pants into a messy bow with weak fingers, Luhan closed his eyes and breathed out heavily, trying to block out the gleaming white and cream of the glossy tiles.

“Luhan, are you okay in there?” Zitao called softly, knocking the bathroom door, “the soup’s cooking right now. It should be done soon.”

“Yeah,” Luhan mumbled, “I’ll be out in a sec.”

He wet his cheeks with the cool water from the tap after washing his hands, and rubbed his eyes, yawning softly. He’d been resting all day, yet still, he was exhausted. He’d never thought that fighting off illness could tire out his body so much. He gazed at his reflection for a while longer, before shaking the sleep from his mind and trudging out the door, wiping his wet palms on his thighs.

He paused, however, when he saw Zitao trying to communicate with Kyungsoo, in broken and heavily accented Korean. Kyungsoo, unimpressed, leaned against his doorframe with folded arms and a cold expression, while Zitao made confusing gestures and spluttered muddled phrases in an attempt to speak to him.

“You…you, and Luhan. Luhan is alone. Luhan…you, help Luhan. No help?”

Kyungsoo raised his eyebrows and tapped his fingernails against his forearm impatiently, and Luhan’s eyes widened. If it weren’t for the fact that Zitao was talking about him, he would have laughed. He knew how terrible Zitao’s Korean was, and he found it amusing and mildly endearing how much effort he was putting into their ‘conversation’.

“Luhan’s alone?” Kyungsoo said, mockery lacing his snappy tone.

“Yes! Alone. Luhan alone. In…the bathroom. Bathroom! Alone. Sick, alone, go to bathroom—”

Luhan shakily stepped out, still weak to the knees from both illness and facing Kyungsoo, and placed a hand on Zitao’s shoulder.

“What’s happening?” he asked quietly, tugging on the taller’s sleeve. Hearing the Mandarin, Kyungsoo scoffed and turned to leave, but Zitao grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

“Why did he leave you alone?” Zitao replied, seemingly relieved at the familiar language, “he knows you’re sick, right? Did he take care of you at all?”

Luhan nibbled on his lip, looking back and forth between the confused and slightly irritated Kyungsoo, and concerned Zitao.

“Yeah,” Luhan replied, meeting eyes with Kyungsoo, “he helped me out before. I just didn’t want to bother him. I thought I’d be well enough to take myself to the bathroom, at least.”

Zitao frowned. “Luhan, please take care of yourself. You’re really unwell.”

Luhan smiled meekly. “Thank you, Zitao. You should go and rest. You’ve been out for a while.”

Luhan gave a curt, nervous nod Kyungsoo’s way, which was returned with an expressionless gaze that bore through his eyes, before he gently tugged Zitao away.

“I’ll take care of the soup,” Luhan insisted, “I feel better now that I’m up and walking. I promise. Go and rest, Zitao.”

“It’s okay, I can help.”

“No, no. You sleep. I’ll wake you when the other members return, okay?”

“…Okay.”

Zitao offered a small hug, which Luhan shyly accepted, before he trailed into his small bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Seconds after, Luhan heard the loud springs of a bed and a relieved groan, and he smiled a little, walking off.

Sure enough, soup was bubbling in a large pot in the kitchen, and Luhan quickly tended to it, the enticing smell already making him feel less nauseous. He dipped a spoon in the broth and blew on it to cool it down a little, before taste-testing it.

Trust, it was delicious. But it was missing something.

Luhan twirled around – slowly, so as to not add to his headache – and reached for the salt dispenser, opening it with whatever strength he could muster that was left in his body. However, before he poured the salt into the soup, his limbs froze, and something burning hot, yet icy cold, washed over him.

“A pinch of salt creates a pinch of fat.”

The container of salt dropped from his grip and smashed on the floor, spilling glittering crystals and shards of plastic all over the floorboards. He felt as if his lungs had collapsed, and everything flashed white in searing horror.

“Luhan?” Zitao yelled, “Luhan, what was that?”

Luhan stumbled back and clutched onto the counter, chest heaving hard. All he could see was Junmyeon, Junmyeon, and his own disgusting, horrible fatness among the beauty of all the other members, Junmyeon, salt, fat, Kyungsoo—

He collapsed to his knees and screamed, silence drowning out his own mind.

✏ [ a/n ] I HATE THIS STUPID FAST-MOVING OVER DRAMATIC FIC there we go have some random SUSPENSE thrown at you hope you're enjoying this crappy fic!!!!!! i'm so sorry for the delayed update i was meant to edit and update yesterday but i was tired and stupid but i hAD TO EDIT because i had this weird feeling there was some fatal mistake in the chapter AND THERE WAS i wrote the wrong time and stuff but that's okay don't worry about that HERE IS IMPORTANT CHAPTER yay now you can all be terrified of kyungsoo
omfg thank you so much for all your support guys all the sweet comments i've been getting ohmygosh this means a lot to me thank you all and i hope this dumb chapter will make you guys happy i love you <3

word count: 2425