NINETEEN

“Sorry breakfast is so bland. The fridge was practically empty this morning,” Yixing sighed. “I can’t believe I missed it last night, but I’ll buy more groceries today.”

Admittedly, the breakfast did look – and taste – bland, but nobody made any comments.

Kyungsoo never usually spoke at mealtimes, but his unusual aura filled the entire dorm that morning. From the drooping corners of his lips, to the welts along his cheeks, to the way he shook his head every time someone tried to speak to him – everyone knew something was wrong. They couldn’t even talk it out of Jongin.

Junmyeon had told them all – minus Kyungsoo himself – about finding the vocalist sleeping on the floor. Jongin had looked horrified, but said nothing.

Nobody had any idea what could have happened, because Kyungsoo couldn’t have been happier the night before. It was as if the vocal training instance had never happened.

But he seemed to have no intentions of speaking, or eating at all – and although Jongin was quiet, he was the most worried of them all. Somehow, he knew, even though he’d comforted him the previous night, Kyungsoo was not okay.

Minseok and Luhan both immediately knew what was happening, the moment they caught Kyungsoo’s eye as they sat down for breakfast.

“Kyungsoo,” Yifan said quietly, “eat something. Now.”

Kyungsoo shook his head slightly, closing his eyes, too tired to respond. His throat was completely raw from his excessive purging, and he felt dizzy, sore and upset.

“Kyungsoo, now.”

He dragged his teeth along his lips in frustration. Why couldn’t Yifan understand that he couldn’t eat? His throat was so sore, he wouldn’t be able to swallow, and even if he did, he couldn’t bear to purge again. He was sure he’d permanently break his vocal chords if he did.

“Kyungsoo!”

He tried to open his mouth and whisper no, but his voice wouldn’t allow him to. And that made him panic.

I can’t even speak.

Noticing Jongin watching him intently, he looked up with desperate eyes, and the latter took the hint.

“Leave him alone, Yifan,” Jongin said, reaching for his boyfriend’s hands.

Yifan’s eyebrows lowered. “Don’t let yesterday repeat, Jongin. I want him to eat. He can skip lunch and dinner, but nobody is leaving this table unless he eats something.”

“Can’t you see he’s unwell?”

Everyone was listening in now. Kyungsoo’s eyes were still closed and his head was bowed, too worn out to contribute. The silence was too loud in his ears, and he desperately wanted to hide away and sleep.

“Is that why he was sleeping on the floor, then?” Yifan snapped, “because he’s unwell?”

Jongin gritted his teeth. “He wasn’t on the floor when we fell asleep. Together.”

“If he’s not going to explain, then you’re going to have to.”

“I don’t know, okay?” Jongin yelled, banging his fists on the table. The cutlery rattled, and Yixing jumped back in surprise.

“I don’t know why he’s not responding! Why don’t you respect the fact that he doesn’t want to talk right now and shut up?”

“Jongin, what’s happened to your attitude lately?” Junmyeon said quietly, touching his arm. “Why are you being so rude?”

“Why are you all being so intrusive towards Kyungsoo?” he growled. Furious, he pulled his boyfriend into his arms, and glared at the other members.

“We have every right to know,” Yifan said coldly, “why Kyungsoo has been acting so out-of-character for the past few months.”

“Maybe he’s not coping well with the stress lately! Did you ever think of that?” Jongin fired back.

“Stop yelling, Jongin,” Junmyeon warned.

“Only when you leave my boyfriend alone!”

Kyungsoo tried to scream at them to stop, but the words stuck in his soiled throat, so he could do nothing more than shove Jongin off him and stand up. He clutched his forehead, lightheaded, and stormed out of the room, close to tears. Junmyeon pulled Jongin back when he tried to follow him, but nobody stopped Luhan and Minseok from standing and running after him.

“Let me go to him!” Jongin screamed, thrashing in Junmyeon’s grasp, “he’s my boyfriend! They don’t understand! Junmyeon, let go of me!”

Luhan locked his bedroom door behind him when he and Minseok had entered after Kyungsoo, and even when Jongin writhed out of Junmyeon’s grasp to pummel on the door, everyone ignored him as if he wasn’t even there.

Kyungsoo didn’t even check to see if he was okay, despite hearing him sobbing on the floor outside.

Somehow, between slamming the door shut and collapsing onto the floor with tears falling from his eyes, Kyungsoo found himself curled up on Minseok’s small single-bed, blankets pulled over him, the other two lying on either side of him. Minseok was propped up on his elbows and Luhan was hugging him with gentle arms, head on his shoulder.

He still hadn’t spoken a word to either of them.

“Kyungsoo,” Luhan whispered, breath on his chest, “you can tell us what happened, you know.”

He stared up at the ceiling, one of Minseok’s hands touching his hair, and shook his head.

“You told me we were in this together. If you’re going to tell anyone, it should be me. Us.”

Kyungsoo lay silent for a few moments, before sitting up, Luhan’s arms falling off his chest. He slid off the bed and walked over to the small desk in their room, sifting through the messy piles of paper before he found a small notepad and a pen.

Luhan and Minseok both sat up fully in curiosity, watching Kyungsoo bend down to scribble quickly into the notebook, before he sat back down on the bed between them both.

I threw up almost forty times in a row.

Minseok gasped. Luhan almost fell back in shock.

The shaky, hasty writing, paper stained with black streaks, bore into them like a saw.

It was horrible.

Kyungsoo watched them both stare at the small notepad in horror, before finally growing tired of their disgusted faces and throwing the notepad across the room. He lay back down on the pillow and shut his eyes, the other two staring into the distance beside him, words inked into the backs of their eyes.

I threw up almost forty times in a row.

I threw up almost forty times in a row.

“Forty times,” Minseok breathed.

Luhan put his head in his hands.

“Your throat, Kyungsoo,” he croaked, “your throat, you…you can’t even…”

Kyungsoo’s head lolled to the side, exhausted, and he fell asleep.

Months had passed. Kyungsoo’s voice had recovered and neither him nor Jongin had spoken of what had happened that one night at all. Everything blew over and continued as normal – Kyungsoo continuing to purge in secret, guiding Minseok to confidently vomit without assistance, and Luhan continuing to further restrict his diet.

“Luhan,” Minseok called softly, “Luhan, come look at this.”

Minseok was stretched out on his bed, lying on his tummy with his laptop resting in front of him. His face had been scrunched up in concentration, so Luhan hadn’t bothered him, figuring he was busy.

Swinging his legs off his bed, Luhan jumped down and walked over to the elder, sliding next to him and lying down on his front. The screen was bright in his face, and he had to squint to see.

“Read this bit,” Minseok said, motioning to a small paragraph of the webpage he was on.

“People with EDNOS commonly present with extremely disturbed eating habits, a distorted body image and an intense fear of gaining weight. EDNOS is the most common eating disorder diagnosed for adults as well as adolescents, and effects both males and females equally.”

Luhan’s eyebrows furrowed as his eyes scanned over the small quote. He read it three times over before he really started feeling the panic rising in his throat.

“I don’t…I don’t know what to say.”

Minseok turned to look at him, kicking his legs up and down slightly. “You’ve always doubted your eating disorder because you’re neither anorexic nor bulimic, right?”

Luhan stared at the screen.

Minseok leaned closer. “This,” he breathed, “this is the answer.”

“This can’t be it.”

Minseok’s eyes were glued to Luhan’s scared face. “EDNOS,” he whispered.

“EDNOS?”

“EDNOS. It stands for Eating Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified.”

Luhan’s throat closed up. He pushed himself off the bed, standing up with wobbly legs.

“No.”

“You have got an eating disorder, Luhan. It’s got a name and everything.”

“No!”

Luhan clutched at his cheeks, and Minseok smiled sadly. “It can be treated, you know.”

Kyungsoo, who had been watching silently from Yifan’s bed, made a cruel, sneering kind of sound. “Do you really think he wants to be cured, Minseok? Do you think any of us want to be cured?”

“I want to be cured,” Minseok protested.

“If you are, then you’ll get fat again,” Kyungsoo noted. Minseok fell silent.

Kyungsoo looked up at Luhan, who had completely blanched white. “It’s not as if you didn’t already know, Luhan. Just because your disorder has a name doesn’t make it any different.”

“How bad is it?”

“Is what?”

“EDNOS.”

Kyungsoo shrugged. “Ask Minseok.”

Minseok bit his lip. “Go figure. It’s about as bad as you think it is. You should be asking yourself, not us. We’re bulimic. It’s different.”

Luhan scoffed weakly. “What if you’ve wrongly diagnosed me? What if it’s not this stupid disorder?”

“What if it is?”

Luhan stepped back and crashed into the bunk bed, making Kyungsoo yell in surprise.

“No, I won’t believe it.”

“You don’t need to believe it,” Kyungsoo said coldly, “your crazy perception of food is enough, anyway. Believe it or not, your brain is ed, Luhan. Low self-esteem dieting doesn’t reach this level – ever.”

“It says here,” Minseok added, “that it’s basically a diagnosis for any disorder that doesn’t fit into bulimia or anorexia. Purging, restricting, binging, anything. So you can’t really deny it.”

He knew they were both right. But somehow, not being able to doubt his disorder anymore wasn’t easy for him to comprehend. After all his self-assurance in doubtful times that, maybe he didn’t have a disorder, maybe it was only a temporary mindset he’d recover from, maybe everything would be okay…it was all gone, now.

He fell back onto Yifan’s bed, ignoring Kyungsoo’s attempts to kick him off, and burst into tears.

✏ [ a/n ] hi everyone!!!! i know a lot of people have guessed the origin of the title but if not; here's your answer! i've tried to make it clear throughout the story that luhan is not anorexic, because he still does eat (even though he restricts himself) enough to sustain himself so he doesn't drop dead from anorexic symptoms, and he hasn't reached the point of such severity in his ED that he's classified as anorexic. because he has simply a restricting disorder that's not as intense as anorexia, he's classified under EDNOS, and i based the story's title off that - eating disorder, not otherwise specified. so there's your answer ayyy you don't need to think i'm crazy now the title actually has a MEANING wowie!!!! sometimes i check back on this story and i go through all the comments and i'm (pleasantly) appalled at how wonderful and long all of your comments are. i feel like i never express it enough. the amount of support you guys give me, it's just incredible. i see some authors that only get the occassional short comment dwindling in and here i am, waking up to five or six gorgeous and lengthy comments from the people that mean the most to me! i've got an important english exam coming up tomorrow and i'm dead stressed out so i'm updating for you guys and maybe seeing all of you reappear again will help me out ;u; <3 don't think i don't notice you guys! this story might have a lot of subs (EVEN THOUGH I'M CONSTANTLY LOSING SOME?!) but there's always that selected few that show up in the comments and are always so kind when they speak up, and i remember all of you guys. you're like family to me. even before i read the comments i get i can already predict what the comment's going to be like just from the name. you guys are just so adorable and lovely oh my gosh i couldn't thank you guys enough for all the support you've given me, i want to squish you all up i can't even handle it i love you guys so much you make me just so happy i just oh my <3 

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