SIXTEEN

Yifan was fast asleep under his blankets when Minseok walked inside the bedroom, one towel wrapped around his waist and another held against his chest. He breathed out in relief seeing Yifan sleeping – but then he saw Luhan.

On his bed.

“Hey, get off my bed.”

Luhan looked up, and frowned.

“Quickly, get changed. I want to talk to you.”

Minseok immediately shook his head. “Why?”

“Because it’s important.”

Luhan stood up, looking Minseok up and down and making the him recoil, holding up the towel to cover himself.

“Stop it.”

They met eyes.                                

“I’ll wait outside. I’m giving you two minutes to put some clothes on, or we’re talking while you’re .”

Growing fearful, Minseok watched Luhan walk out, the door shutting behind him. The moment he was left alone, he scrambled for clean pyjamas and slipped them on hurriedly, making sure not to wake Yifan. He tucked the blankets around the younger’s tall frame a little tighter before he walked out, shutting the door behind him.

Luhan was leaning against the wall; hands slung in his hoodie pockets and eyes downcast. He looked up when the door opened.

Minseok felt stupid in sweatpants and a baggy shirt, and suddenly became conscious of how fat they made him look when he saw Luhan’s milky-white, slender legs propped up against the wall. He gulped.

Luhan beckoned him over. “Kitchen.”

Minseok trailed after the younger anxiously, looking at his feet until they had reached the kitchen. Luhan shut all the doors around them, making sure they were completely alone, before folding his arms.

“Sit down.”

“No, thanks.”

“Sit down.”

Minseok’s lips curved into a small frown, but he obediently hopped up onto the counter, legs dangling. Luhan stood on the other side of the kitchen, facing him. Despite the huge distance between them, Minseok felt like he was suffocating.

“You showered with Kyungsoo.”

Minseok titled his chin. “I did.”

“I see.”

Luhan went quiet. Minseok exhaled.

“Spit it out, Luhan,” he said coldly, “I don’t have time for this.”

Luhan cocked an eyebrow. “You really want me to be straightforward?”

“Yes?”

Luhan nodded. “Alright.”

He walked forward, arms still folded, until he was right against Minseok’s knees. The counter was relatively low, but Luhan wasn’t tall enough to be face-to-face with the elder. Minseok looked down at him with challenging eyes.

Luhan put his hands on Minseok’s knees.

“Frankly,” he breathed, “I know that you know about Kyungsoo’s disorder, because he would never expose his body to anyone except me, and maybe Jongin. And he would never risk you seeing his cuts.”

Luhan’s face was drawing closer, and Minseok leaned away, eyes widening.

“I-I don’t know what you’re—”

“I know,” Luhan whispered, “that Kyungsoo always, always purges, straight after dinner, right before he showers.”

Minseok was trembling.

“This is what you meant. When I yelled at you. And you told me you understood.”

“You’re not—”

“You threw up with him,” Luhan hissed, “didn’t you?”

Minseok finally understood why Luhan told him to sit down – because he knew he wouldn’t have been able to support his own body if he was standing. He felt a wave of dizziness wash over him, and he covered his mouth.

Luhan touched Minseok’s chin with the tips of his fingers.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, “it’s okay to admit it. I’m too afraid to binge and too weak to purge. But I’m just the same as you. You know that already, don’t you?”

“D-Don’t touch me!”

Minseok pushed Luhan away and slid off the counter, and his legs almost buckled beneath him. Luhan grabbed his arm for support.

“Minseok. You trust Kyungsoo. You have to trust me as well.”

“Please,” Minseok said quietly, “please, this is too much for me. Just let me go to bed. Please, Luhan.”

Luhan released his arm, and Minseok scrambled away, close to tears.

When the younger finally collected his thoughts and returned to the bedroom, Minseok was already in bed, fast asleep.

Or so he thought.

In all truth, Minseok lay awake for hours, even after Luhan drifted into slumber.

At first, he didn’t want to be alone. Now, he didn’t know what he wanted.

Kyungsoo’s eyes opened slowly, stickily, eyelashes brushing against soft material and making his lids tickle. He mumbled in discontent and moved his head, only to have it push against something firm and warm. The surface responded with rising and falling movements, matched with something else much like the feeling of fingers trailing down his neck.

“Hyung?” a deep voice whispered. It was sweet and familiar, and wrapped his heart in warm relief, but a relief laced with pain that left sharp stabs of guilt through his conscience. He pushed those away, however, and nuzzled his nose into Jongin’s chest.

The younger chuckled. “Good morning.”

“Morning,” Kyungsoo replied sleepily. He subconsciously reached down to peel Jongin’s arm away from his waist, self-conscious, and put it around his neck instead. Jongin pushed his lips against Kyungsoo’s forehead, and smiled.

“How did you sleep?”

“Fine.”

“How was your shower last night?”

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but smile a little. Jongin was already asleep when he left the shower, and he knew the younger would have been worried.

“It was fine, Jongin. I didn’t feel ill at all.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure.”

Jongin’s hands moved up to hold Kyungsoo’s chin. “You have to tell me when you feel sick. How can I work knowing you’re ill?”

“I’m alright, Jongin—”

“I just don’t want anything happening to you,” he whispered. “I don’t want you getting upset, or angry, or anything. I wanted to die, that day you pushed me away. I hated myself when I saw you with Luhan. I just want to be with you.”

Kyungsoo’s gaze dropped. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“No, it is. I promise I won’t ever choose anyone over you. I won’t hurt you like that ever again.”

The last part, he said with uncertainty. But it was reassuring enough for Jongin, and he leaned down to kiss him – this time on the lips – once more.

“Just be happy, Kyungsoo. Please be happy. Don't ever change.”

Kyungsoo wished he could dab away the sadness forming in Jongin’s eyes – the grief he knew wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for him. It was his entire fault. If he wasn’t so selfish, if he didn’t have his disorder, if Jongin had never fallen in love and he hadn’t been so desperate to pretend he could love Jongin back…

“I’ll do anything for you, Jongin,” he whispered, resting his head back on the toned chest, and closing his eyes.

Jongin spoke, but Kyungsoo was too afraid he’d burst into tears if he replied.

Minseok was eyeing his breakfast suspiciously and glancing at Kyungsoo for reassurance, finger tracing the rim of his bowl. He was hungry, but he was scared, unsure whether or not he was ready to purge again. Kyungsoo nodded as if to tell him it was okay to eat – but Minseok was still anxious.

It didn’t help that Luhan had just walked into the room, locked gazes with him, and slipped into the seat on the other side of Kyungsoo.

They were literally a single seat away, and Minseok was as shaken as ever from Luhan’s confrontation. He wasn’t ready.

Kyungsoo noticed the way Minseok’s eyes flashed with panic, the way Luhan’s lips pursed together and his fingernails dug into the tabletop when he sat down, the way the whole room tensed dramatically. He knew, immediately, that something had happened.

He looked back and forth between Minseok and Luhan, eyebrows raised, watching them stare at one another. Eventually Luhan broke his gaze and looked at Kyungsoo, who stared at him inquisitively. Luhan stared back.

Minseok frowned and looked back and forth between the two, and they both looked back at him. They all stared between one another, until Kyungsoo caught sight of someone else staring at all of them. He turned to face Junmyeon, who was watching them all with a hardened expression and confused eyes. Minseok and Luhan turned to him, and Junmyeon’s eyes narrowed.

Eventually they all saw movement from the corner of their eyes and turned their heads to face Baekhyun, who was halfway between sitting down and standing up. He had the most disgusted look of horror on his face that he could ever have displayed, nose scrunched up and mouth half open.

“The between you all is unbearable,” he groaned, “if you’re going to eye each other like that then, Jesus, spare us all, and get a room.”

Junmyeon offered him the most withering glare he could possibly muster, and even Yixing, watching from the kitchen, flinched.

Baekhyun sat down silently, looking at his feet.

Minseok and Luhan’s eyes met once more, before they turned away, unspeaking.

Everyone felt on edge through the whole meal. The discomfort was quickly sensed, and easily picked up. Only Jongdae and Chanyeol seemed comfortable, conversing quietly with the occasional snicker or game of footsies.

Jongin looked troubled throughout the whole of breakfast. Since Minseok and Luhan had taken both seats beside Kyungsoo, he’d been forced to sit down next to Luhan, and he kept gazing at his boyfriend over Luhan’s head. He hated how Kyungsoo seemed to shrink away in his seat, trying to look as small and insignificant as possible.

All that Jongin could think of was, is he okay? Did something happen? Is he upset again?

Kyungsoo didn’t look at him once.

Minseok finally managed a few words under his breath that nobody but Kyungsoo could hear, when Zitao smashed a bowl and commotion arose. Between the cries of “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” and “Zitao, calm down!” Minseok leaned towards the younger and whispered into his ear.

“Kyungsoo, my throat hurts from yesterday. I’m not sure if I can purge this morning.”

Kyungsoo’s expression was unmoving.

“The first time is always the hardest. You can skip, if you want. It’s your body,” Kyungsoo responded, voice quiet.

Minseok bit his lip. He didn’t want to get fat, and he knew if he let the food digest for too long, it’d be too late. But he was in pain. He couldn’t afford to hurt his voice any more – his throat was raspy and sore already.

He could see Luhan watching them, but took no notice.

“Okay.”

Minseok sat back in his seat, and refused to eat any more.

✏ [ a/n ] you guys should just like unsub already i'm done i'm so done i feel guilty into encouraging you guys to comment bc if i was a reader of this i wouldn't comment at all i wouldn't sub I WOULD JUST EW EW eW i'm trying guys i'm really trying i want to edit this thing through but i don't wanna delete things vital to the plot later on that i've forgotten about idk BEAR WITH ME IF YOU CAN if you can't that's okay i can't even deal with this myself anyway i love you guys you are the highs in my life when i turn into luhan and get really really low shawty got low low low low oh my god i'm just annoying myself now i'll stop okay bye

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