TEN

“Kyungsoo.”

Gasping, Kyungsoo stumbled back as the sudden voice appeared from behind him, and he whirled around, coming face-to-face with Junmyeon. He quickly took his hand off the fridge handle, and stepped back. Junmyeon gave him a reassuring smile, “I’m not going to hurt you, Kyungsoo.”

“Why are you awake?”

As Kyungsoo was unable to do his daily binge-and-purge routines during the day, he usually did it late at night – one in the morning, that particular night – and it was the first time he’d been caught out. Fortunately, he had only just walked into the kitchen, so he (hopefully) didn’t appear too suspicious.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

Kyungsoo gulped and tried to look away from Junmyeon. He found it incredibly inconvenient that the elder liked to sleep clad only in boxer shorts, and only made him feel more disgusted at his own body when he saw how toned his leader really was.

Junmyeon walked forward and put a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, making him shiver in fear. “Are you alright?”

“Y-Yeah.”

“Why are you up so late?”

Kyungsoo looked back and forth between the fridge and Junmyeon’s curious face. “Needed some water.”

He nodded in understanding. “Alright. Sorry for…uh…interrupting you.”

They stood awkwardly for a few moments longer, until Kyungsoo laughed sheepishly and stepped away, retrieving a glass of water as he had said. He was uncomfortably aware that Junmyeon was watching him from behind as he forced it down.

“Did I wake you up?”

Kyungsoo placed his cup in the sink and turned around, leaning on the bench and meeting eyes with Junmyeon. The elder smiled, and shook his head.

“Nah. I was just thinking.”

“Why did you come over here, then?”

Junmyeon fiddled with his fingers for a while, before sighing.

“Kyungsoo, can I…talk to you about something?”

That made him nervous.

“Sure.”

Junmyeon looked down, before walking over and leaning his back on the bench beside Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo felt their bare arms touch, and flinched.

“You saw what happened to Minseok, right?”

Kyungsoo nodded, but played dumb. “He looked really upset.”

“…I just…”

Junmyeon was quiet for a moment, while Kyungsoo formulated excuses to escape from the awkwardness. None of them seemed to suffice.

“Can…well…I know this is personal, but…but…your eating problems, Kyungsoo, you’ve…recovered from them?”

Kyungsoo bit the inside of his lip, hard, so hard he almost drew blood. He did not want to discuss his disorder with Junmyeon.

“Of course,” he said, through clenched teeth. Junmyeon sighed in relief.

“Just…tell me if this gets too personal. But…Minseok…”

He hesitated again.

“What he said, to Jongdae. About monsters. And Luhan. And…you.”

Don’t. Please don’t…

“Could…could he possibly be…well, I mean…could he be developing something as well?”

Kyungsoo feigned oblivion. “I don’t know.”

Junmyeon tapped his fingernails impatiently, and lifted himself up, sitting on the edge of the bench, swinging his feet. Kyungsoo didn’t look up.

“I mean, if you’ve been observing Luhan and Minseok’s behaviour lately…do you see anything? See them acting strangely, like the way you were acting before?”

Kyungsoo didn’t reply.

“As in, any behaviour that might indicate—”

“I know what you mean,” Kyungsoo said quietly.                               

He looked up at Junmyeon, gaze flickering down to his flawless body for a second before their eyes locked. He could tell Junmyeon’s stress was torturing him – the friendly twinkle in his eyes had dimmed, and his lips curved down unnaturally. Junmyeon could also sense something unusual about Kyungsoo – his dark eye bags, dishevelled complexion, overall exhaustion from things he’d never understand.

“Do you think Minseok and Luhan have got disorders?”

Junmyeon looked hesitant to reply, but nodded slowly.

“I don’t know how bad it is, but…the way Luhan has been acting around meals lately, and the fact that he’s so different, he’s less enthusiastic about things he used to enjoy…something’s not right. I’m scared for him. And I’m scared for Minseok, too.”

Kyungsoo nodded, silently admiring Junmyeon’s sharp observance.

“The thing is,” Junmyeon continued, his voice a little weaker this time, “it all seemed to start from…from that one night I made a comment about his weight. Does this mean…if Luhan really does have an eating disorder…is…is it all my fault?”

Kyungsoo picked at his cuticles apprehensively. He didn’t like the hurt in Junmyeon’s voice. He didn’t know what to think.

“Don’t worry about it,” Kyungsoo said bluntly, “I’ll talk to him, okay?”

Junmyeon looked unsure, but nodded slowly. “Thank you, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo shrugged.

“I’ll…I’ll go to bed now. Goodnight—”

“Wait.”

Kyungsoo felt a hand wrap around his wrist, and his heart flew up to his throat at the sudden contact. He quickly shook it away, but turned around, watching Junmyeon hop off the bench and step in front of him.

“Honestly, I’m worried about you too, Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon said gently. Kyungsoo felt his heartbeat speed up, and avoided his gaze – but when he looked away from his face, all he could see was Junmyeon’s body, and he was so beautiful, and toned, and skinny…

Junmyeon reached down and tilted Kyungsoo’s chin up, shaking his head. “Look at you. You’re exhausted, Kyungsoo.”

He stepped back, pushing away Junmyeon’s fingers. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“I am.”

Junmyeon took both of Kyungsoo’s hands in his own, “please don’t lie to me, Kyungsoo.”

What am I meant to say?

“You know you can talk to me any time if something’s affecting you, Kyungsoo. I care about you a lot.”

You wouldn’t understand me anyway.

Kyungsoo pushed away. “Thanks, but I don’t need to talk about anything.”

Junmyeon watched him turn around and leave the kitchen, footsteps padding away, and sighed in defeat when he heard the bedroom door close behind him. He didn’t know what to think now. He was just confused.

Upset, Junmyeon switched the lights off and walked back to his room, sliding under the blankets once more. He dozed off restlessly, yet still didn’t hear the sounds of gagging in the bathroom.

Yifan still had Luhan’s back against his chest when he woke up, and, in his foggy daze of wake, frowned at the familiar tiny body against him.

It didn’t feel like Luhan. It felt like someone else.

Someone else with the same long, soft hair, the same frail body, long arms, slim legs, the same comforting warmth that only one person could ever bring him—

“Woosung?” he mumbled, lifting one hand to rub his eyes open.

“Huh?”

Yifan felt his heart sink. Sure enough, it was only Luhan.

As if Woosung would ever be in his arms again.

“Nothing,” he whispered, “go back to sleep.”

Luhan turned around in Yifan’s arms and faced him, furrowing his eyebrows. “Get off my bed.”

Yifan’s downcast expression made him feel a little guilty, but the latter obediently let go and pushed himself off the bed, climbing into his own.

They were quiet for a while.

“Why did you call me Woosung?” Luhan whispered, staring up at the ceiling. He felt the bed shift as Yifan moved.

“It felt like you were him.”

Luhan’s forehead creased. “What?”

“You have the same body,” he murmured. “It felt like I was holding him again. I’m sorry.”

Luhan felt a small pang of regret, hearing the sorrow in Yifan’s voice – before he really thought about what Yifan had said, and his throat closed up.

You have the same body.

You have the same body.

Didn’t someone tell Woosung he was too fat to debut?

You have the same body.

Did that mean he really was fat?

You have the same body.

Did that mean he’d end up in rehabilitation like Woosung because he was too fat, and he’d develop bulimia as well?

You have the same body.

“No, we don’t,” Luhan gasped, grabbing at the blankets frantically. He felt dizzy, even though he was lying down, as if he was going to throw up.

“You’ve never even seen him before, Luhan.”

“I’m not like him!”

Yifan sighed. “Fine. Whatever.”

He stood up, and Luhan watched him walk out of the room. “I’m going to call him.”

The words were oddly familiar.

It was early in the morning, and Luhan was incredibly sleep deprived, but somehow, he couldn't fall back into slumber again.

Luhan felt Junmyeon staring at him a lot more than usual that morning, and it only made him all the more self-conscious as he slowly ate his breakfast. He hated people staring at him eating, and didn’t like the heaviness of Junmyeon’s gaze on him at such a vulnerable time.

He finally looked up and caught Junmyeon out, who immediately flushed and looked away.

“Why are you staring at me?”

They were only a few seats away, so not many people heard, but the words sounded loud in Luhan’s head. Junmyeon looked back at him.

“I wasn’t.”

“You were.”

Junmyeon smiled through his teeth. “Just checking on you.”

Luhan was about to retaliate, but Junmyeon had already turned away to speak to Jongin, making him clench his fists in frustration. His anger was making his head spin, and he wanted nothing more than to walk away and scream into his pillow.

It felt like everyone was watching him. It felt like the whole world was grabbing at his shoulders, tumbling down on him, forcing him to his knees.

Luhan squeezed his eyes shut and lolled his head, rubbing his temples.

Even through the blackness of his eyelids he could tell people were looking, watching, staring. The loud chatter, clinging of eating utensils, the echo of existence in his mind—

One particularly loud round of laughter from Jongdae and Chanyeol sent a painful throb shooting through his head, and he stood up, chair scraping back and falling over with a bang. The whole table fell silent.

Luhan was breathing hard, hand still on his head, eyes closed.

“Are you okay, Luhan?” Yixing asked immediately, also standing up.

“I’ve had enough,” he whispered.

“Enough of what?”

He opened his eyes and stumbled back, and Baekhyun stood up, grabbing onto him to prevent him from falling. Luhan shook him off.

“Stop.”

“Luhan?”                                                                                   

“Stop!”

Baekhyun stepped back, and everyone slowly got to their feet.

In a panic, Luhan ran out of the room.

Luhan was shivering and crying on the floor, knees pressed to his chest, facing the back of the room, when the door creaked open behind him. There was no use pretending he wasn’t having a meltdown, so he continued crying into his knees, hugging his legs and squeezing at the fat on his calves.

He did stop crying, however, when he heard Kyungsoo’s voice.

“Luhan.”                               

Luhan’s fingers scraped down his legs as he chanted no, no quietly under his breath. A cold hand pressed against the back of his neck, and he screamed.

Kyungsoo quickly pulled away, and stepped back – only to grab a chair and lodge it under the door handle, locking them both in.

“No!”

Luhan tried to stand up, but Kyungsoo pushed his shoulders back down. He kneeled in front of him, holding onto his hands, and stared at him with soft eyes.

“You shouldn’t be so afraid of me, Luhan. We’re meant to be the same. Remember?”

“You are nothing like me,” Luhan spat, but he didn’t try and pull away from the younger’s grasp. It was cold, but it was firm, and reassuring enough to slow his heart from hammering so fast. Kyungsoo wasn’t leaning close, and he knew he wasn’t going to harm him—

“Do you trust me, Luhan?”

Do I trust you?

The question rung in his mind, and it hurt. Because only then he realised, he didn’t trust anyone anymore. Everyone was an enemy. Nobody understood him. He was alone.

Luhan dug his nails into Kyungsoo’s palms, but the younger’s face remained stoic.

“Do you?”

Do I?

Who could he trust? Everyone else was a trap. Kyungsoo was the only one who knew, and understood. Everyone else was trying to dig further into him, to discover his secret, and when they knew they’d spill it to everyone. When they broke down his walls, they’d leave them crumbled, shattered, as broken and open as the scars on his wrists and heart—

“Yes,” he whispered, desperation ripping at his voice, “yes. I-I trust you.”

Kyungsoo smiled. “Really?”

“Yes.”

Kyungsoo traced circles with his thumb along the back of Luhan’s hand, and felt the nails releasing from his skin.

“You can trust me,” Kyungsoo said, “you can trust me, Luhan. Nobody else is ed up like us. We’ve only got each other and ourselves. There’s nobody else to trust. Everyone’ll just hurt you, like those voices in your head.”

Luhan looked up from under his eyelashes, and Kyungsoo watched him with utmost fascination.

“You didn’t trust me before.”

“I’ve got nobody else, Kyungsoo,” Luhan exhaled, “nobody else would know, would they?”

Kyungsoo smiled.

“I’m glad you understand now.”

Kyungsoo’s hands slowly released from Luhan’s, and ran up his arms, before landing on his shoulders, then sliding down his shirt. Luhan quivered at the feeling of hands on his clothed chest, but sat still obediently, letting Kyungsoo explore him tenderly.

“You’re not scared.”

Luhan jerked forward when a finger brushed a sensitive spot through his shirt, and Kyungsoo snickered.

“Because…I know that…you know…about…me.”

“You really freaked out last time, didn’t you?”

Luhan didn’t smile. “It was the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever had. I thought you were judging me.”

“I was.”                                                                    

Luhan inhaled sharply, and Kyungsoo pinched at his tummy, the familiar act sending memories of Junmyeon smacking into him with force. He pushed Kyungsoo’s hands away.

“Not in that way,” Kyungsoo said casually, “I wasn’t really judging you. More…examining you. Seeing how far you’ve gone with this disorder. Checking your hips.”

“My hips?”

Kyungsoo looked into Luhan’s eyes for a moment, before sitting up on his knees and pushing him to the floor. Luhan raised his eyebrows, but when Kyungsoo started to unbuckle his belt, he began screaming again.

“Kyungsoo, stop!”

“Calm down,” he snapped, “you’re no different from before.”

“Kyungsoo!”

He pulled the elder’s jeans with a yank, but only halfway down his thighs. And then Luhan realised what Kyungsoo was looking for.

He immediately covered his thighs with his hands, but he could tell by the look on Kyungsoo’s face that it was too late.

Kyungsoo bit his lip. “How long?”

Luhan was quiet.

“You can trust me, remember?”

“A few months.”

He nodded. “After you started dieting?”

“Yeah.”

Kyungsoo reached forward and traced the geometrical scars lined across Luhan’s pale skin. “They’re beautiful.”

Luhan frowned. They weren’t beautiful. They were the ugliest things he’d ever placed upon himself, and he was more than ashamed of them.

He quickly pulled his jeans back to his hips and sat up, buckling his belt and looking at the floor. He was humiliated. He wasn’t meant to show anyone his cuts.

“Remember, you can trust me.”

“I know.”

Knocking was heard on the bedroom door, and suddenly, Luhan was aware that there were other people in the dorm that could have heard every word they said. He whitened. Kyungsoo watched him.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Jongin,” a muffled voice said timidly, “I-I heard you scream before, so I thought…”

Luhan stood up and moved the chair from the door handle, opening the door. Jongin looked down at him, wringing his hands.

“Everything’s fine, Jongin.”

“But—but your breakfast—”

“Tell Yixing I’m not hungry.”

Jongin clenched his teeth and pushed out his bottom lip, and Luhan only shrugged. They stood there awkwardly, before Luhan decided Jongin wasn’t moving, so he stepped back and shut the door on his face.

He heard Jongin sigh in defeat from the other side, and walk away.

Luhan felt Kyungsoo stand up and step close to him.

“So you’ve even shut out Jongin, huh?”

Luhan kept his hand around the doorknob. “We were never really close, anyway.”

“Everyone’s close to Jongin.”

“Well, what do you expect me to do?” Luhan spluttered, whirling around to face Kyungsoo, “suddenly let him in when I’ve learned not to trust anyone else? Do you want Jongin to get hurt?”

“Of course not. I’m just surprised you’ve closed off to everyone so fast. Especially him.”

“What makes Jongin so different?”

The question seemed to pain Kyungsoo.                                                                                                          

“Nothing. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me.”

Luhan cocked his head, because he’d seen something flash in Kyungsoo’s eyes that wasn’t there before. Kyungsoo looked down, before elbowing past Luhan and walking out of the room, door slamming behind him.

✏ [ a/n ] long chappie! i hate this story lmao. another important chapter - all the events that have been and will be happening have great significance (especially in the next chapter WOAh get excited guys) so tell me if you're not following along <3 12 upvotes, 63 subscribers and counting! you guys blow me away. thank you for all this gorgeous support. your comments really make me smile and now that the plot is really starting to shape itself i'd love to hear how you're feeling about this story! all your kindness means a tonne to me. i love you guys more than words could ever explain. your support for this story gives this untouchable, inexplainable hope, i can't even tell you how much happiness it gives me. i love you guys. really i do. like fo reals. i'm on one knee as i type this bb will u marry me. we can be together 12ever. even after this ty fanfiction is finished. ok i'm done bye

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