FOUR

Yixing looked pained as he reluctantly stepped into the kitchen early Monday morning without Sehun behind him, and quietly began bringing out the pots and pans he’d need.

He’d woken up earlier than usual and checked up on Kyungsoo – his door was unlocked, finally, but he was still tucked deep into the blankets, sleeping soundly – and then on Sehun, to see if he was awake and in the mood to help make breakfast. He was also asleep, however – but Jongin was awake, sitting up and fiddling restlessly with his head down.

Yixing was worried about Jongin – the shock of the whole incident the previous night had taken a bad toll on him, and he could tell the poor boy was completely shaken up. He kindly offered to let Jongin watch him cook, knowing the younger wasn’t fond of interaction with the kitchen, and the lonely boy accepted shyly, but desperately.

Just seeing the lingering upset on Jongin’s face hurt Yixing a lot, and as much as he wanted to reach out and comfort him, he felt the distance between them was too far.

He looked over and saw Jongin leaning against the counter, playing with the hem of his shirt and holding back tears as he stared at the floor.

“Are you alright, Jongin?” Yixing asked softly. Jongin nodded a little, but Yixing knew he wasn't okay.

Cautiously, he approached the crestfallen boy, and took his arm, patting a clear part of the counter that was close to the stovetop.

“Sit up here. I want to see you.”

Looking up, Jongin reluctantly untwisted his fingers, and propped himself up onto the counter, legs dangling. Yixing patted his knees and smiled at him, before continuing to prepare the meal.

“How long has it been since Kyungsoo stopped cooking?”

Yixing had seen it coming.

“A few weeks.”

“Oh.”

A long silence followed, and Yixing found his work sloppier and slower than ever – not because he was cooking without Kyungsoo or Sehun, but because the mere thought of having a heartbroken Jongin behind him was hurting him too much. He’d been close with Yifan for a while and he knew all about Woosung, and was deeply afraid Kyungsoo would end up the same way – there was no other explanation for his actions except some sort of mental disorder, that was clearly related to eating.

He burned a lot of things, and undercooked others, and grew unbearably frustrated in his lack of concentration.

“Jongin, can you pass me the spoon over there?” he said frantically, gesturing loosely behind him. He heard Jongin slide off the counter and pick up the spoon he’d motioned towards, and pass it to him.

“Thanks.”

“Yixing, what’s going to happen to Kyungsoo?”

Yixing sighed. “Jongin, I’m really sorry. But I honestly don’t know. I really, really don’t know. I wish I could assure you of something, and I wish I could make everything better, but I’m just as confused as you are.”

“He’s been making me feel really uncomfortable lately, hyung,” Jongin whispered.

Uncomfortable.

“In what way?”

Jongin hesitated, and Yixing turned around, facing the younger in confusion. ‘Upset’ and ‘worried’ were expected, but uncomfortable? Kyungsoo was never the type of person to bring discomfort to others, especially Jongin.

“He’s been acting…weird recently. Like, touching my chest, and legs, and – not…not in that way, but…well…he…I don't know how to explain it. He compares our wrists and thighs, and touches my neck and collarbones, and feels my hipbones, and…and…”

Jongin’s voice broke, and he buried his face in his palms.

“He tells me I’m so skinny, and he’s so fat, and I tell him he’s perfect but he never listens, and I haven’t even done anything and now he’s…doing this…”

Yixing was breathing hard. “How—how long has this been happening?”

“Months.”

“Months?!” Yixing cried, “Kyungsoo’s been acting this way for months and you haven’t said a word to any of us? Jongin, what’s the matter with you?”

In his horror, Yixing was practically screaming, and Jongin was close to tears, cowering behind his splayed fingers and whimpering.

“Y-Yixing-hyung—”

“Jongin, you have no idea how bad this is, oh my God—”

“I know how bad it is!” Jongin screamed. He curled his fingers into his cheeks and dug pink welts into the flesh, eyes squeezing shut in remorse. “I know, okay? I’m an idiot and I’ve ruined everything! I just…I just didn’t realise it was this bad, until he…he yelled at me, yesterday…”

Jongin burst into tears, and dropped to the floor, hugging his knees.

“I’m sorry, hyung, it’s all my fault…it’s all my fault…”

Yixing covered his mouth, ignoring the food smoking behind him, and sank to his knees, saline wetness forming under his eyelids at the sight of Jongin being so broken.

“J-Jongin…”

“I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I?” Jongin sobbed, “it’s too late to fix Kyungsoo, isn’t it? I’ve broken up the whole group. I’ve ruined everything.”

“It’s…it’s not…”

Yixing didn’t know what to say, because admittedly, it was that bad. If Kyungsoo really had ended up with an eating disorder, or some other problem that was going to affect him drastically, it would greatly impact the whole group, and undoubtedly something severe would happen – whether it was a delayed debut or having Kyungsoo’s contract shredded to pieces, it was going to affect them one way or another.

Something had to be done, because they couldn’t just leave Kyungsoo to die away in the wrath of his own mind.

“He’s going to die, and I’m going to be a murderer, because I was too scared to react…I thought he was just admiring me, but I was so stupid, and it’s all my fault—”

“Jongin, it’s not your fault,” Yixing whispered, “it’s not. Please, believe me. It’ll…it’ll be okay. We’ll find a way around this.”

‘I don’t want Kyungsoo to go,” he blubbered, “I don’t want him to be like Yifan’s friend, I don’t want him to end up—”

“He’ll be okay,” Yixing insisted, “I’ll make him better.”

Yixing comforted the upset one, suppressing his own tears, because he knew Kyungsoo wasn’t the only one. He’d seen Luhan’s severe change after Junmyeon had commented on his weight, and he knew everything could only go downhill if he didn’t act as a barrier.

The thought was overwhelming. Everything was going wrong, and all too soon.

The rice cooker beeped for ten minutes straight, and neither had the strength to switch it off.

The other members seemed practically oblivious and woke up as normal, except Yifan and Luhan – Luhan because he was still shaken up from the thought of becoming like Kyungsoo, and Yifan because he was terrified both Kyungsoo and Luhan would end up like Woosung.

Kyungsoo, however, made no effort to exit his lonely bedroom, and it took a lot of convincing from Junmyeon for him to even leave the bed.

When Kyungsoo walked in with Junmyeon beside him, however, silence fell as everyone remembered the fight he and Jongin had got caught up in the previous night. Only then they realised why Jongin was being so unusually quiet, and everyone turned to the young dancer, who was staring at his feet.

Kyungsoo said nothing.

Yixing was re-making all the food since he burned most of it whilst helping Jongin, and everyone else was sitting around the room trying to distract themselves from the deafening quiet around them, but to no avail.

“Kyungsoo, would you like to help me make breakfast?” Yixing said, almost begging, seeing as he was struggling to keep up with everything. Kyungsoo immediately declined, but when he saw the desperate twinkling in the elder’s eyes, he gave in, and broke away from Junmyeon to help out.

Admittedly, he did miss cooking. He’d loved it from a young age and dedicated a lot of his time studying and experimenting in the kitchen, and although it often triggered him, it was a hobby he’d struggled to give up.

The process of preparing breakfast sped up dramatically once Kyungsoo started helping out, and the meal was served within minutes. Kyungsoo, still laying out bowls and plates, was the last to sit down, and the only remaining seat was beside Yifan…and Jongin.

He immediately felt his shoulders stiffen, and looked around awkwardly for a vacant seat that didn’t exist.

He did feel guilty for screaming at Jongin after his emotional breakdown the previous night. He knew Jongin had been under a lot of pressure because of him, and was only trying to help out and dig the roots of the whole problem, but Kyungsoo was so sensitive and terrified that the others would find out his secret that he couldn’t do anything but lash out at him.

Kyungsoo had heard everything after he kicked the younger out of his own room, and felt terrible about it. He wasn’t ready to face Jongin – he had realised his mistakes, but he didn’t know if he could apologise without breaking apart again.

Slowly, he pulled out the chair and sat down, facing his knees. Jongin didn’t look up, but Kyungsoo could hear his rapid breathing clearly, and he knew the poor boy was incredibly nervous.

A wave of guilt overwhelmed him, and before he could comprehend what was happening, he felt himself reach out and take Jongin’s hand in his own.

Finally, the dancer’s head rose, and he looked up at Kyungsoo tearfully, with so much pain in his eyes that Kyungsoo weakened in regret, all barriers falling.

“I’m so sorry, Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispered, squeezing his hand gently.

Jongin’s wide eyes flickered up and down between their hands and Kyungsoo’s remorseful eyes, and, with the whole table quietly watching, he let out a loud sob and threw his arms around the elder’s shoulders, hiding his face in Kyungsoo’s neck and breaking down into tears again.

“Hyung, hyung, Kyungsoo-hyung,” he cried, “K-Kyungsoo...”

Overcome with both relief and pain that Jongin had forgiven him for his cruel actions, Kyungsoo found himself in tears as well, and accepted the embrace thankfully, crying onto the soft brown hair nestled in his shoulder.

Seeing that the two needed a moment, Junmyeon stood up and helped them both to their feet, walking them out of the room – with difficulty, seeing as Jongin made no move to let go of Kyungsoo. When they were both out of earshot and behind closed doors, Junmyeon returned to the table, and spoke up before anyone could comment.

“Yixing, I heard a bit of what you and Jongin were discussing this morning.”

The whole table looked at the Chinese member, and he reddened immediately – one, because he despised having so much attention turned to him, and two, he’d been spied on during his private moment with Jongin.

“I didn’t hear much, though. But I – we – would like to know exactly what’s going on. Because something’s happened between Jongin and Kyungsoo, and it’s clearly significant.”

Yixing picked at his nails awkwardly, and sighed.

“I think Kyungsoo’s got a disorder. An eating disorder,” he breathed.

Everyone was quiet – mostly because the statement had only confirmed their suspicions. There was no other reason he’d be acting that way.

“He’s been comparing his body with Jongin and making him uncomfortable. Complaining that he’s fat, and that he wants to look more like Jongin. I don’t know what to do.”

Junmyeon sighed. “I knew it.”

“I saw it too,” Yifan added, “but nobody seemed to be complaining, and I didn’t want to falsely accuse Kyungsoo. I can see the symptoms.”

The other members nodded grimly, murmuring in agreement and putting their chins in their palms. Kyungsoo’s change had been obvious over the past few months, but nobody had been brave enough to speak up about it.

“Alright. We’re going to have to do something about this that doesn’t involve the company. Unless you guys want to stir up useless with the staff that’ll kill all chances of us debuting,” Baekhyun said, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms. Everyone was surprised at the sharpness in his voice, but they knew the situation was serious.

“He’s right,” Yifan agreed, “we have to deal with this subtly, on our own. There’s no other way to do it.”

“We don’t exactly have a plan,” Jongdae chipped, “and I don’t think we’ll be able to deal with something this serious without—”

“We do have a plan,” Junmyeon retaliated. “It might not work, but it’s all we’ve got. We have to support him through this. A disorder isn’t a choice – it’s just overpowered his sanity, and…well, Kyungsoo. He’s not himself, and we have to help him fight back the disorder, because he can’t do it by himself. And we have to force him to eat through this – gently, of course, but we can’t let him get away with skipping meals anymore. We have to guide him through this, okay? No comments on weight, no yelling, no force-feeding. It’ll just trigger Kyungsoo’s anxiety and his eating disorder and make it more difficult for him. Understand?”

Silently, the other members nodded.

“I hate that we all have to do this,” Yifan added, “and I hate that we have to be the ones to take responsibility of such an issue when really, Kyungsoo needs professional help. But for the sake of both him and our careers…we really need to take action, and make a real effort to help Kyungsoo fight this. Because he’s not going to win this battle alone – I had to learn that the hard way. Even if he pushes you away, like he demonstrated ever so conveniently last night with Jongin, it’s really a cry for help. He needs help.”

Minseok stood up, and forced a smile. “And we’ll have to start with breakfast, right?”

“Junmyeon, I swear, I’ll have lunch,” Kyungsoo insisted, “I’m really just not—”

“Kyungsoo, if you think the ‘not hungry’ act is going to fool us any longer, then it’s not. You haven’t eaten in over twenty-four hours. Don’t try and pull this act up.”

“I feel sick from all the crying, I swear,” Kyungsoo begged, “please, please, just let me skip this once. I’ll eat lunch. I promise.”

“No, Kyungsoo! You’re going to eat breakfast; I don’t care how much it is. At least have a little.”

“So much for being kind and understanding,” Chanyeol muttered, making Sehun snicker. As Luhan was sitting beside Chanyeol, he also heard the comment, but he felt too ill to even react.

He’d felt uncomfortable and nauseous the whole morning; not because he was sick, but because his mind was too congested with the fear that everything that was happening to Kyungsoo, would end up happening to him. Now, everyone was scared of Kyungsoo, just because he was skipping meals. The thought that maybe, maybe Luhan’s thoughts would progress, maybe he would end up with an eating disorder…maybe he would end up like Kyungsoo.

He didn’t want that to happen, at all.

However, he still couldn’t drive away the tiny, hesitant thoughts every time he sat down at the dining table – no matter how insignificant, they were still there, and they still scared him.

I’m not fat. I’m not fat. I won’t be fat. I can’t be fat…

“No,” he whispered, “no, no…”

“No what?” Chanyeol asked.

Luhan looked up. “Oh, nothing.”

He shook the thoughts out of his head, and looked over at Kyungsoo again. He was playing with his fingers awkwardly, opening his mouth with reluctance and letting Jongin feed him small bites of his meal. He refused to meet Jongin’s eyes, but despite his downcast expression, Jongin was smiling brightly, satisfied that Kyungsoo was eating again.

The others were also eating casually, acting completely normal, and with a sigh, Luhan began picking at his food – which was, of course, better than it had ever been in the past few months.

He guessed everyone was relieved the old Kyungsoo was back – at least, for the while.

✏ [ a/n ] this story is so bloody sporadic i swear. luhan based huhu not really. yeha idek i know the entire plot and this story is still confusing me so if you guys are confused then it's my fault LOL ahhh please do leave some feedback, bad or not. oh yeah about the story feed (if anyone actually saw that?) my hard drive got replaced within a day but the story was saved so updates should be coming in as normal! i love you guys so much <3 thank you for all my current supporters, i can't even say it enough, you guys mean the world to me <3 don't be scared to drop me a comment from time to time guys, i appreciate them 100000% more than a subscription, honestly ; u ; a big special thanks to the darlings that comment on every chapter, omfg, i can't even express my gratitude enough, you guys are the best <3

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