THIRTY-FOUR

Junmyeon kept a close eye on Kyungsoo that morning as they ate breakfast, making sure to nudge him softly every time his fingers quaked, wondering whether or not he should eat another mouthful.

Kyungsoo noticed the way Junmyeon was watching over him, and grew increasingly uncomfortable, knowing something was up.

Hesitantly, Kyungsoo pushed away his bowl when he half-finished his meal, and stood up.

“I’m going to—”

“No, you’re not.”

Kyungsoo froze when Junmyeon hooked his fingers around his wrist, yanking him back down in his seat.

It wasn’t what Junmyeon had thought he’d do, but Kyungsoo wasn’t fighting back, so he hoped it was what Yifan had expected.

The other members looked up in surprise, and blinked, while Kyungsoo sat still in his seat, dumbfounded.

Junmyeon gulped at the tense atmosphere, “I mean—we’re all eating a meal together. Stay with us.”

Kyungsoo looked over at Jongin, who was watching them innocently. He nodded encouragingly, “stay with us, hyung.”

“But—”

“You can shower later,” Chanyeol said suddenly, looking up. “We want you to stay.”

Even though it was clear that Kyungsoo was getting nervous, Junmyeon felt his heart warm at the care the other members were showing. Although it felt like years ago, they still remembered the first time they addressed Kyungsoo’s issues as a group, and were sticking up for his health, protecting him tirelessly. It made Junmyeon proud, and lifted a great weight off his shoulders.

Junmyeon smiled at Kyungsoo warmly, and switched his rough grip into a warm grasp of hands, making his eyes widen.

“Please stay, Kyungsoo,” he said quietly. “You always leave us early. You never talk to us anymore. We want to be with you. We love you, Kyungsoo.”

We love you, Kyungsoo.

The words left Kyungsoo speechless, and they meddled with the feeling of food sitting in his stomach and the want to purge, driving him insane.

“I-I really need to—”

Junmyeon took both of his hands. “please, Kyungsoo. Don’t do this to us.”

Baekhyun, who had hardly spared a glance the whole time, spoke up.

“Stay with us, Kyungsoo.”

He looked up, head unmoving, and played with his food awkwardly.

“We’re partners in this business, but you always avoid me. You avoid all of us. It makes me feel lonely. Stay with us for once – we want your company.”

Kyungsoo felt panic rising in his throat. “Can’t I—can’t I just have a minute to—”

“No, Kyungsoo.”

Suddenly growing angry, Kyungsoo pulled away from Junmyeon, clenching his fists. He stood up, and Junmyeon’s eyes widened.

“Why?” he yelled, “why can’t you just leave me alone, for one minute? Don’t you all trust me enough? I just want to go to the bathroom, for God’s sake!”

Taken aback, the other members silently watched him shake in anger, standing with his fists balled.

“Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon said softly. He stood up, and gently took his hands, holding them firmly enough to keep the younger from pulling away. “We can’t let you leave us now. We don’t want you to—”

“Stop it,” Kyungsoo growled. “Stop acting as if you give a , Junmyeon. Let go of me.”

Junmyeon felt anger bubbling up in his chest. “Acting? You don’t think we care, Kyungsoo?”

“You never have!” he spat, “you’ve never given a crap about me before! Only when it’s blatantly obvious something’s wrong is when you try and nose into my business, but you don’t even try to help, anyway!”

He yanked his arm away, and Junmyeon cried out in anger, stomping his foot.

“Maybe,” Junmyeon yelled, “maybe, if you stopped isolating yourself, we’d help you!”

“Maybe if you left me alone, I’d be better off!”

Kyungsoo turned to run to the bathroom, but Junmyeon lunged at him, pulling him back. Kyungsoo screamed, and Junmyeon pushed him to the floor, pinning him down.

“You,” he hissed, “are not going to purge, Kyungsoo.”

“Purge?” Sehun cried, standing up. “Kyungsoo, are you purging?”

“Sit down, Sehun,” Baekhyun ordered.

Kyungsoo felt himself weakening under Junmyeon’s grip, and stared into his eyes, terrified.

He knows?

Junmyeon was breathing hard, leaning forward so his weight was pressed on his arms, pushing Kyungsoo down.

“Kyungsoo,” he breathed, “are you making yourself throw up?”

Dizzy, lost, horrified. Everything was over. Everybody knew. His life was going to be over, his disorder was going to flourish inside of him as people tried to suffocate it with fattening foods and careless force…

Kyungsoo wanted to vomit. He hadn’t even provoked his purging, but he felt his stomach churning, he felt sick, lightheaded, Junmyeon knew—

“I’m going to puke,” he croaked.

Junmyeon’s eyes widened. Sure enough, Kyungsoo’s skin tone had dropped to a deathly pale, and he looked nauseous and dizzy. He quickly sat up and got off Kyungsoo, pulling him to his feet, the younger swaying dangerously.

Junmyeon didn’t even have time to direct him to the bathroom, before Kyungsoo bent over, right there in front of the table, and vomited violently.

Jongin cried out in horror, and everyone dropped their utensils, stomachs tightening, as Kyungsoo puked out everything he’d forced down.

And then, he laughed.

Well, would you look at this? My body’s purging for me.

“Isn’t that hilarious?” he rasped, stepping back and collapsing unconscious into Junmyeon’s arms.

The manager had walked in on EXO-M’s breakfast, sat down, and declared…that.

“What?” Yifan cried.

“Kyungsoo’s sick. He’s come down with something bad. He vomited this morning and we’re unsure if he’ll be able to perform today.”

Luhan put his face in his hands. “No way.”

Minseok had the option of purging lingering at the back of his mind, but hearing what had happened to Kyungsoo made him panic. Now that they were promoting, nobody could afford to get ill.

“If things get worse,” the manager continued, “and the others won’t be able to perform, you’ll also have to halt your promotions and head back to Korea. He’s in a very bad state right now.”

Yifan swore and stood up, kicking the table, before storming out of the room.

“Junmyeon,” Yifan growled, “explain. Right now.”

The second Yifan had phoned him, Junmyeon had burst into tears, and collapsed from guilt. He felt as if everything was his fault – he was strictly instructed to take care of Kyungsoo, but somehow, he’d failed.

Still crying, Junmyeon dictated the previous events desperately, confused and upset. He curled up on his bed with Sehun beside him, rubbing his back, and frantically wiped his wet cheeks with the back of his hand.

“I swear,” he sobbed, “I swear, I tried to stop him, Yifan. He just went pale and threw up, right there. He didn’t influence it at all.”

After hearing the full story from Junmyeon, Yifan softened, and quietly tried to calm his tears through the phone. Sehun was starting to panic, and Junmyeon didn’t seem any closer to relaxing than before.

“I can’t cope,” Junmyeon wailed. “I can’t cope with this any more. The whole group’s breaking apart and I can’t pull down Kyungsoo’s barriers. What am I meant to do?”

“You did as much as you could, Junmyeon,” Yifan assured. “All we can do is hope Kyungsoo gets better, and that the company doesn’t get involved.”

Junmyeon leaned his back into Sehun’s embrace and sobbed into his arms, phone wobbling in his feeble grip.

“I need you, Yifan,” he whimpered. “I can’t handle this by myself. I can’t take care of a group without you.”

“It’s only for a month or two—”

“I can’t do that!” Junmyeon cried. “I can’t wait ‘a month or two’! I need you now!”

“Junmyeon,” Yifan snapped, firmer than before. “Stop doubting yourself. You’ve done so well taking care of your half, and you can do—”

“Kyungsoo’s dying, and I can’t do !”

“Calm down,” Sehun whispered, combing his fingers through Junmyeon’s hair.

“You can do this, Junmyeon,” Yifan said, shakily. “Kyungsoo—Kyungsoo’s fine, okay?”

“How could you say that?” he gasped, “how could you say that Kyungsoo’s fine, say that everything’s fine, because everything’s ing fine in your world, isn’t it?”

“Hyung, stop,” Sehun hissed.

Yifan snarled. He knew Junmyeon was frustrated and upset, but it wasn’t as if he was any better. The pressure of promotions, of Kyungsoo, of everything balling up in his mind and linking back to the sour emotions he called Woosung – it was just too much.

“If you’re going to give me this kind of crap, Junmyeon, then I’m done with this conversation. I have a band to take care of.”

He hung up.

Junmyeon screamed.

“Sehun?”

“Luhan.”

Luhan’s eyebrows furrowed. He had expected the call to be from Kyungsoo, Jongin or Junmyeon – but not Sehun.

“Kyungsoo performed tonight.”

Luhan kicked his feet back. “Interesting. Why’d you call?”

Sehun sighed, and rolled his eyes. “To tell you that Kyungsoo performed tonight. And then he fainted. And now he’s in hospital.”

Luhan’s breaths sharpened immediately at the thought of Kyungsoo being ill, but despite his state of upset, his curiosity got the better of him.

“Yeah, but, why did you call? Out of everyone else in the group?”

Sehun scoffed, “is there something wrong with me calling?”

“Of course not.” Luhan lay back on his bed. “I’m just curious.”

“Yeah, well. Kyungsoo’s in hospital now. He told me to say he’s sorry. And he wants to talk to Minseok.”

Luhan clenched his fists. “Alright. Thanks.”

“Hey, Luhan.”

His finger was hovering over the ‘end call’ button, but Sehun’s soft voice pulled it away, forcing him to press the phone back to his ear.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

The words cut.

Luhan’s first instinct was to say, ‘yes, of course, I’m fine’. But the words caught in his throat, and he couldn’t bring himself to say it. He froze, mouth agape, and exhaled heavily.

Was he okay?

Of course I’m not okay.

The crying, the cutting, the pain and the eating disorder – they were taking over his life. He was swinging back and forth between recovering and getting worse than ever, and his body and mind couldn’t take the blows of when he fell back into depression.

He could hear Sehun breathing on the other line, waiting patiently for the response that never came.

Why would Sehun ever care about me?

Luhan hung up.

“Sehun called,” Luhan said quietly, leaning into Minseok’s ear. “Kyungsoo said sorry.”

Minseok was standing over the toilet bowl, one hand pressed against the wall and the other down his throat as he vomited up whatever remained of his lunch. He shook with every retch, and Luhan hugged him protectively, kissing his neck in what he hoped to be a comforting manner.

When Minseok finished purging, he laughed.

“Well,” he whispered, “he’s a bit late, isn’t he?”

Minseok straightened up, flushing the toilet, and turned around in Luhan’s arms. The younger dabbed his mouth with the crumpled toilet paper in his hands, smiling softly.

“It’s never too late.”

Minseok smiled back, bitterly. “I chose this lifestyle, anyway. He doesn’t need to apologise.”

Luhan smile fell. Minseok shrugged.

“Why would you choose that?”

Minseok rolled his eyes, “because I want to be skinny?”

Before Luhan could protest, Minseok pulled away, and walked out of the bathroom.

✏ [ a/n ]  hi everybody it's me again!!!!! i counted and there's about 5/6 chapters left of the story which is absolutely bloody terrifying like how am i gonna live without my beautiful readers?!??! you guys aren't even readers to me anymore you're my friends omg i know it sounds creepy bu i just love you guys so much i wanna cuddle you all up and give you chocolates and!!!!!! you're all so cute and sweet and lovely to me i don't deserve it at all and i'm so thankful of all the bonds we've created LIKE REMEMEBER WHEN YOU WERE ALL BABIES GOING hey this story looks interesting :^) AND NOW WE ALL FRIENDS OMG i love you all so so much and after the story is completely do feel free to come back and visit?!??! drop me a comment or pm me or something i just wanna keep you all as frends forever i love you so much i don't wanna lose you guys!!!! <3 okay apart from that sory for the messy awkward chapter and sorry that everything's going downhill after getting your hopes up :c either way i hope you enjoyed the update???? i mean enjoy it while u can bc theyre gonna run out soon OH lord i c: oh yeah and i don't wanna bring down the authors note but i feel like out of respect i should mention ladies code? i don't actually know them but in case you didn't hear they got into a critical accident and member eunb has passed away and it's an absolute tragedy :c please pray for eunb's family and for rise to recover since she's in a terrible state in the ICU right now. i wish the best of luck for eunb's friends and family and i hope she rests in peace. okay i wont say anymore BYE GUYS ILY

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