FINAL

One Year Later

It was a rainy afternoon of late October, 2013, and all ten members had been tirelessly going through re-run after re-run of their comeback single, perfecting formations and dance moves as a whole group, then splitting up for separate vocal practice. They’d gone through the choreography as a full group once more, before taking a well-earned break on the slightly scuffed floors, sculling water and catching the breaths they’d spent so long puffing out.

It was a year after Kyungsoo and Luhan’s deaths.

Luhan’s body had been found in the river hours after he jumped by searching policemen, and it was far too late to save him by then. Fatal fractures, they’d concluded. The impact as he’d hit the water had snapped his neck and killed him immediately.

“It was a fast, painless death,” the doctors had said, as if it would make it any better, as if the physical pain had any kind of match against what he’d been suffering with.

His funeral was organised quickly, despite the state of horror the members were in, and he was buried right beside Kyungsoo the very next day.

The group had taken a one-year hiatus following the deep loss, recovering and supporting one another through the pain. Jongin, Junmyeon and Yifan had collapsed into depression that only months of counselling could pull them from – though they still suffered from a pain too severe to ever erase – and Jongin self-harmed for the first time, carving ‘Kyungsoo’ into his thighs with tears fusing into the blood. He re-traced the marks for weeks, every night, until Sehun finally noticed, and every razor in the dorm was disposed of, knives being locked up in drawers.

Minseok had attempted suicide in the dorm, trying to overdose on pills just days after Luhan’s death, but fortunately, Jongdae had found him in the bathroom before he could consume any. There was screaming, punching, wrestling for the container, and Jongdae ended up knocking the elder unconscious – but he saved Minseok’s life all the same.

Minseok had been under strict supervision since. The scales were smashed and thrown away, and Minseok visited a psychiatrist every day to support him through his pain. He was cared for more than any other member, cooed into eating and convinced it would have made Luhan happy, despite his arguments and attempts to purge.

Eventually, they’d all settled down – and although the pain of their loss never faded, they learned to cope, and controlled each other’s tears for the sake of Kyungsoo and Luhan. They visited the graves every week – at inconvenient times, to spare them from crowds of disrespectful fans – and lay down small letters and bunches of flowers, treasures and memories that brought them all to tears.

Being told they would finally have a comeback was a bittersweet joy, for everyone. Memories of sharing the happiness of debut with the two members they lost were cruel, and painful.

But they were happy – and they were proud. Proud they could sustain the group and keep one another alive, and continue with their dreams, smiling and pushing on.

It was hard, and it hurt.

But they made it through.

Jongin had his arms splayed out beside him, lids heavy and chest heaving with every gasp of air he took. Junmyeon was kneeling beside him, using one hand to wipe away Jongin’s sweat with a cool, damp towel, and the other to fan him with a sheet of paper.

They were too happy to spare a thought at the familiarity of it.

Too puffed out to thank the younger, Jongin smiled weakly at Junmyeon, who smiled back and nodded in response. He noticed the sweaty locks of hair sticking to Junmyeon’s forehead, and frowned, before sitting up and gently pushing him to the floor, clambering onto his chest and fanning him in return.

He’d expected an offer of gratitude, seeing as Junmyeon’s breaths were shallow, his face was flushed from the intense practising and he clearly needed to cool down, if anything more than anyone else – but he only grunted and pushed him off.

Jongin huffed in annoyance, and Junmyeon sat up, clutching his middle.

“God, Jongin,” he grunted, “you’re so heavy.”

Jongin’s eyes widened, and he sat back, hurt.

“Am I really?” he whined, folding his legs and looking down at his body. He lifted his shirt to examine his middle – sure, he wasn’t as fit as before, seeing as they’d taken a hiatus and had a break from working out, but he was still slender and thin. He reached to trace the lines of muscle along his chest with soft fingers, and his breath caught in his throat.

Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo would always trace his chest. Kyungsoo would always touch his body.

Kyungsoo did it because of his disorder.

And Luhan’s disorder—

“You’re so heavy, Luhan,” he groaned, “don’t sit on me like that.”

“Have you been following your diet?”

“I’m not fat.”

“Am I?”

“A pinch of salt creates a pinch of fat.”

Fingers weakening, Jongin lost his grip on his shirt, and looked up. Junmyeon had blanched a ghostly white, and was staring at him in horror, hands trembling.

No.

“Luhan,” Junmyeon whispered, “Luhan, I never meant—I never meant to hurt you.”

Breaths rapid, he stared into Jongin’s fearful eyes, frozen.

“Well you’re a bit d-damn late, aren’t you?”

No.

The memories, the words, the familiarity was all coming back. Everything had happened too fast.

He could see the other members moving behind Jongin from the corners of his eyes. Standing up, walking around, drinking water and stretching. Even without counting them – he knew they were there.

Luhan.

Kyungsoo’s broken smile, Luhan’s teary eyes, bursts of colour and shattering glass that he could only pierce his skin with in his desperation to repair.

Kyungsoo.

Cracked mirrors, breathy screams, fading, falling…

Don’t go.

Sight blurred by tears, he watched as Kyungsoo and Luhan faded away, members laughing and passing through the mirages as if they were ghosts. His heart pounded in his ears, figures crumbling to dust – Jongin.

Black smears and white knuckles, and time streaked before him, words like daggers and Jongin was gone.

“God, Jongin,” he grunted, “you’re so heavy.”

What have I done?

The world sharpened in crisp lines and icy stares, and he saw tears forming in Luhan’s eyes – or were they Jongin’s?

“No,” he whispered, “I didn’t—”                                  

Before he could stop him, Jongin had scrambled to his feet, covering his eyes with the back of his hand, and ran out of the room.

It’s okay.

A loud sob reverberated in his mind and lungs, and he extended his arms, slamming the bathroom door open and falling to his knees. He hit the floor hard, shaking, feeling every bit of weight on him forcing him down.

It’s okay.

He clutched at his knees tightly, feeling the skin pull in his grasp, feeling the fat on his muscular legs that didn’t exist. He forced his eyelids open, and stared down at his thighs, gasping down long breaths.

It’s not okay.

“I’m fat,” he whispered, “Junmyeon said I’m fat.”

A little less food couldn’t hurt.

He wasn’t going to do that. It was just a diet – a diet of a diet. A smaller diet. It wouldn’t hurt. He wouldn’t end up crazy.

Just a smaller diet.

He wouldn’t end up crazy.

Would he?

✏ [ a/n ] ...that's it. that's it guys. that's really it. this it the end. the real, real end. holy crap. i can't believe it. over a year ago i began this story with anger bubbling up inside of me and no plotline in mind. and now, today, here i am, marking this story complete on aff. my life and my emotions. the one fic i poured everything into, is finally up and complete to the world. damn. i don't even know what to say. probably sorry for leaving you hanging like this for good HAHAHHAHA NO END TO THIS CLIFFHANGER MFSSSSSS
i feel like the most important thing to do right now is acknowledge you -- yes, you. all of you. all of my amazing readers started at the beginning as supporters, and now you're all my friends, my little bundles of sunshine and hope. i love you all to extents i can't even explain. thank you for everything you've done, all of you. thank you for the 400+ subscribers, the almost 100 upvotes, all of your comments and the way you just care so much. i care about you all and it touches me that you all care back. i love you all just so much. remember that i'm always here for you, as a friend, as an author, just as a human being. i am always welcome to new friends and don't let this story be the end of your recovery. if you're using this to recover, take the completion of this story on board and use it to push yourself back into normality. you will get over this. you are not the disorder. i believe in you all and i support every single one of you <3
i don't really know what else to say...thank you, everyone, for making my journey with this story so much better than i could have ever imagined. i wouldn't be the same person without you. i love you all just so much and you've done so much more than just subscribe to this story, i promise. thank you for being a part of this important journey with me <3
if you'd like to see more of me, my profile is currently friend-locked but you can always add me and check out some of my other stories or just have a chat, i'd love to talk to you <3 my ask box on tumblr is always open SELF PROMOTION FOLLOW ME FOLLOW ME!1!!11 and you can contact me absolutely anywhere. i don't want to lose any of you.
alright, this is getting long enough. i wish i could acknowledge all of you but there's just too many. just know you are all special to me. i love you all, so much. be safe, be happy, and thank you for everything you've done. i love you all so much.
HAHAHA I CAN'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY HASTA LA VISTA YOU CUTIE PATOOTIES SORRY FOR WRECKING YOU ALL EMOTIONALLY LMFAOOOOOO HAVE FUN STEWING IN YOUR MISERY
no but really
final goodbyes from your annoying but grateful author,
ellie <3

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