TWENTY

It was dinnertime again. The five words were still ringing in Luhan’s mind – Eating Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified.

Not otherwise specified.

Not otherwise specified.

It was no wonder he wasn’t able to pinpoint the disorder specifically. It was such a brief term – seemingly a diagnosis to address pretty much every eating problem that didn’t meet the criteria for anorexia or bulimia.

He didn’t like to think he really did have an eating disorder. But just the sinking feeling in his chest when the dreaded food was placed in front of him was enough to prove it was true. He wanted to eat, so badly, but the fear of becoming fat was enough to will him to only eat a few bites.

The other members were as concerned as ever.

“You’re not eating much,” Jongin said quietly. Luhan grimaced, and almost kicked him out of his seat.

Why does this brat always sit next to me during meals?

After deciding it probably wouldn’t be a smart idea to tackle Jongin and punch him unconscious, he settled with an exasperated “sorry”, forehead in his fingers. Jongin didn’t seem satisfied.

Leaning away, Jongin lightly tugged on Kyungsoo’s sleeve. “Hyung, he’s not eating again.”

Luhan turned his head, and they locked eyes. Kyungsoo looked back up at Jongin.

“Leave him be. It’s just dinner.”

Jongin bit his lip and nodded, returning to his food and eating again. Luhan mouthed a relieved “thank you”, and Kyungsoo nodded in understanding.

Yifan watched the whole exchange between them, appetite disappearing.

“I hate this feeling,” Luhan whispered, tugging at the collar of Minseok’s shirt and touching his shoulders. Minseok opened his eyes and looked up at him, curled up against his chest, and blinked in confusion.

“Hm?”

“Food sitting in my stomach.”

They’d just finished dinner, and Yifan was cleaning up, leaving the two alone in their room with Kyungsoo once again. Their heads were propped up in the younger’s lap, letting him run his fingers through their hair, soothing them from their pain.

It helped Minseok divert his thoughts, seeing as his throat was still raw from purging, but Luhan hardly felt any better. In fact, having Minseok against him only made him more anxious.

“I can feel it,” he continued, forcing his eyelids open once more. He met eyes with Minseok, and curled his toes. “It’s heavy. I can feel it in my stomach, and in my throat, and it’s thick and horrible and…turning into fat.”

Why did I eat in the first place? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He curled his toes at the feeling of his weight pushing down on the mattress. He felt as if the world around him was tiny, weightless, empty, but he himself was a huge, thick blob of calories and fat, taking up so much space, every part of him weighing down the world beneath him.

He was falling into hyperawareness of the fat on his body, his mass on the bed, how much food was in his stomach. He could feel every bit of it, digesting, making him bigger, fatter, uglier—

“Why don’t you purge it?” Minseok murmured. “It’s so easy, and the after affects are amazing. And since you hate your EDNOS so much…”

Luhan bit his lip.

“You’ve got no idea how much I want to,” Luhan sighed, shaking his head. Kyungsoo shifted, and touched Luhan’s cheek softly, leaning forward to look at him.

“We can help you.”

Luhan’s eyes widened at the seriousness in his voice, and looked at Minseok, who nodded.

“It’s not hard.”

“You’ve got both of us to help.”

Kyungsoo’s voice was husky, certain, scary. Half on Luhan so desperately wanted to stand up and stick his fingers down his throat, eliminate the feeling of fullness inside of him – but the other half was terrified.

He was ashamed of his fear of vomit; he was ashamed that he was too scared to dispose of what he put inside himself.

But he couldn’t do it.

He felt Minseok’s body moving from his chest, and Kyungsoo lifting his head up slowly, swinging his legs off the bed. Luhan’s breath caught in his chest, and he could only stare, blinking in confusion.

“Huh?”

“Come on,” Kyungsoo chuckled, “we’ll help you. Okay?”

Luhan gasped as Kyungsoo tried to pull him up, “no!”

Stumbling to his feet, he pushed away from Kyungsoo, and shook his head. Kyungsoo cocked an eyebrow, and Luhan gulped, shaking his head again.

“No,” he whispered, “please, don’t—”

“Do you want it out of you, or not?”

Food churning in his stomach, he slapped away Minseok’s outstretched hands, trembling.

“No,” he pleaded, “no, don’t. Please. I-I’m not ready, I can’t—”

“You can do it,” Minseok whispered. “If you’re so scared of your disorder, why don’t you just be like us?”

Eyes dark, Kyungsoo moved forward, grabbing Luhan’s hands and pinning them behind him. Luhan gasped, and tried to move away, but Kyungsoo’s grip was strong.

“What are you so afraid of?” he whispered. “You have us, Luhan. Don’t you trust us?”

Colours flashed behind Luhan’s eyes. He could see himself eating, food, fat, fingers sliding down his throat as everything rose back up as burning acid and churning remains, gagging, retching, horrible.

“Get off!” he spat, kicking Kyungsoo’s shin and making him yell and let go. Luhan pushed away, and Minseok looked stunned.

“Calm down, Luhan,” he said quickly. Luhan shook his head.

“Please—please, stop. Don’t force me. I’m—I’m not ready to purge.”

Kyungsoo looked up, but he didn’t glare.

He looked disappointed.

Gulping, Luhan felt his cheeks flush, mind flooding with thoughts. Pathetic, fat creature. How could you possibly be so cowardly, to not purge? Minseok and Kyungsoo can do it. Why don’t you have the willpower to be skinny?

No, no, no.

Hardly able to breathe, he shook his head once more, before stumbling over himself and running out of the room.

The room was silent.

Everyone was asleep, except Luhan and Kyungsoo. He and Minseok had finished purging their seemingly endless binge and Luhan had woken up to offer moral support. Minseok had retreated to bed, but Kyungsoo had said he didn’t want to sleep – so they’d taken refuge in the living room; both tired, yet not tired enough to sleep, afternoon scene forgotten. Luhan was lying on his front along the couch, flicking through photo albums he’d dug out of the wardrobe, and Kyungsoo was curled up in an armchair opposite, watching him in content.

He wasn’t sure how, but he’d managed to find a collection of printed photographs of himself, right from when he was only days old. He didn’t recall bringing them into the dorm, and assumed someone had snuck them in, but it sent waves of memories back to him, and he was too emotional to close the book again.

He flicked through the pages slowly, the smooth photographs with sad eyes. Even when he was young, his facial features were evidently the same.

Passing photos of his adolescence, he smiled lightly at the prominent memories of the times before he was recruited as a trainee. He had never had any confidence issues – despite the bullying he received because of his feminine looks, he still had high confidence and a happy life.

The images made his heart throb, suddenly missing his home country. Photos of him with his friends, playing soccer, eating lunch, at the movies…

He chewed his lips and shifted in discomfort.

He wanted to be happy again. He wanted to be carefree again, with no schedules, no panicking about weight. Just him, his friends, and everything good in life.

A particular photo of him and an old school friend at a local restaurant made him pause, finger between the sheets, and stare. His friend was laughing and sticking an irrationally large amount of food in Luhan’s mouth, while he was crossing his eyes and leaning away from the abuse. He had a crease in his chin from bending his head down, and looked incredibly unappealing – and chubby – in the particular shot.

Luhan’s eyes flicked back and forth between the un-photogenic face and the large bowl of rice next to him in the photo, mouth drying, before he quickly closed the photo album, staring at the cover.

Kyungsoo blinked slowly.

“How many calories are there in fried rice?”

Kyungsoo smiled sadly. “How many cups?”

Luhan exhaled. The bowl was pretty big. “Uhh…two and a half.”

Kyungsoo yawned. “A little under six hundred?”

Luhan shut his eyes. So that’s why I’m so fat.

Picking up the photo album, Luhan stood up from the couch and stowed away in the wardrobe, hiding it as much as possible.

“Remind me never to look at that again.”

He offered a hand to pull Kyungsoo up, refusing to look at him.

“Let’s go to bed.”

Kyungsoo stared at him in curiosity, before taking his hand and standing up, nodding slightly, even though he knew Luhan couldn’t see.

✏ [ a/n ] another short chapter wtf and on top of that it's useless too??? well guys here's your wonderful stupid chapter that has all these details for absolutely no reason except to give a little more info that nobody even cares about and boo it's only like 1500 words HAHA i'm sorry the next chapter is pretty long (and useless) i think but it should be happier??? maybe??? i don't know???? what am i doing even???? wat is this story????? wat is life???? wat are this???? can you guys even believe it omgh 20 chapters in let's throw a party WOOHOO we're almost halfway through! i'm still snipping and fixing up chapters a little bit but we could say we're about halfway through the story, i just can't believe it's gone so fast...? it makes me want to never update so i can wake up every morning and thank all my new subs and my new commenters and feel happy because i've got all these beautiful people supporting me through this I DON'T WANT THIS TO END you guys have to promise me even after this story is finished you won't forget me if i ever come running back to you with random wallposts or something bc i'm gonna miss you all so much i love you guys no seriously i do <3 if only it was valentine's day again YOU COULD ALL BE MY VALENTINES i would honestly gather you all up and buy 200 bouquets of flowers and give them all to you i don't even have 200 subs but that's okay leftovers are great we can have a flower party with them right!!!!!!!!! what am i even saying just go JUST GO GUYS I'M SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU WITH THIS CRAP CHAPTER GO gO JUST LEAVE ME!!!! LEAVE ME EVEN THOUGH I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!!!!! i'll never let go jack I'LL NEVER LET GO

word count: 1491