THIRTY

The screams from the other side of the stage were unbearably loud, but the pounding of the member’s hearts were louder. The staff were shouting orders and perfecting the last touches of makeup, as time drained away, choreography imprinted into the member’s minds.

The groups were minutes away from debut, and the thought of their idol life being right in front of their eyes was undoubtedly terrifying.

“I’m not ready,” Jongdae whimpered, “I’m not ready for this. This is the end of our freedom.”

On the other side of Asia, Junmyeon clutched his phone to his ear, shaking his head.

“It’s not,” Junmyeon whispered. “This is the start of a better life. This is an opportunity you’ve worked so hard to have, Jongdae.”

“EXO-M onstage in one minute!”

Jongdae let out a cry, and Junmyeon tried to hush him.

“It’s okay,” he pleaded, “it’s okay. You can do this. You’ve worked so hard for this.”

“Please,” Jongdae whispered, “please tell me they won’t hate me. I can’t do this if they hate me.”

“The fans won’t hate you.”

“EXO-M onstage in thirty seconds!”

Junmyeon closed his eyes.

“Good luck, you guys,” he whispered.

Seconds later, the phone line went dead, and Junmyeon knew it was time.

“They’re going onstage now, guys,” Junmyeon announced.

Baekhyun collapsed into a seat and put his face in his hands, only to have them yanked away by a stylist, snapping that he’d ruin his makeup.

“God,” he whispered, “I can’t believe this is really happening.”

Jongin appeared to be the only one who wasn’t at all nervous. The others were surprised at his unusual lack of anxiety, but he could only display his delight.

“I hope they like my solo part,” he chirped, spinning around and waving his hands in restless excitement. “Do you think they’ll cheer for me when I dance? Do you think I’ll scare them? What if they think I’m a girl? Do I look like a girl?”

Kyungsoo put a hand to his forehead. “You’ll be fine, Jongin.”

“Should I practice my dance par—”

“EXO-K onstage in five minutes!”

Kyungsoo closed his eyes and breathed out heavily, nerves rising in his throat. He swallowed hard, and tried to drain out the loud sounds penetrating his sensitive ears. The lyrics of their songs replayed through his mind over and over again, making him dizzy.

Frustrated, he ran his tongue over his teeth, and sighed – only to pause in surprise.

He tasted blood.

Opening his eyes, he lifted his chin and put his tongue to his teeth again. They felt slimier than normal, and tasted metallic and bitter.

Panic sparkling in his eyes, he raised a finger to his mouth and pressed it against his teeth, pulling it out and examining it under the bright white lights.

Red.

Blood.

My gums are bleeding.

“Oh, God,” he muttered, standing up and striding out of the room.

“EXO-K onstage in four minutes!”

“Hyung!” Jongin called, “where are you going?”

“Bathroom.”

“You’d better hurry!” Chanyeol yelled.

Locking himself in the empty bathroom, Kyungsoo folded up a wad of toilet paper and pressed it to his mouth, occasionally taking it away to examine the blood. It was bleeding profusely, and didn’t show any signs of stopping.

“!” he swore, throwing down the soaked wad and collecting another.

He’d never experienced bleeding gums as a side effect of his purging, and didn’t expect it at all to happen when he was keeping down most of his meals.

The makeup artists must have accidentally aggravated it, he thought sourly.

“EXO-K onstage in three minutes!” the loudspeaker blared, making Kyungsoo curse again.

How am I going to get onstage when my gums are bleeding?

Frantically, he put as much pressure on his mouth as he could, holding the paper there until the loudspeaker crackled and declared, “EXO-K onstage in two minutes!”

The bleeding continued.

Hissing, Kyungsoo threw the wads of paper under the sinks, angry, and ran his tongue along his bloody teeth. It temporarily cleared away the redness, but it was replaced within seconds, blood seeping from his gums and dispersing along the white visibly.

“Damn it!”

It’ll have to do.

With a frustrated push, he exited the bathroom and returned to the group; lips sealed shut, eyes dark. Jongin breathed a sigh of relief when he entered the room, pulling the elder into his arms.

“Are you nervous?” he said quietly, putting their foreheads together and staring into his eyes. Mouth unmoving, Kyungsoo shook his head, but gulped all the same. Jongin looked pained.

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “I promise, everything will go fine. You’ll do perfectly.”

Without bothering to find a private space, Jongin pressed their lips together in a firm kiss, sharing the warmth of self-assurance.

“EXO-K onstage in one minute!”

If any staff were planning to yell at the two for showing inappropriate signs of affection, they had no time to, because the six members were too busy being escorted to the entrance of the stage.

“Are you guys okay?” Junmyeon asked kindly. “Remember, we’re all here for each other.”

Chanyeol nodded in agreement. “We’ve worked so hard for this. We’re going to do fine.”

“I’m scared,” Sehun whimpered.

Everyone looked at him in surprise, and Sehun put his face in his hands, trembling.

“I’m scared. I’m really, really scared,” he whispered.

Jongin looked horrified, and immediately pulled the younger into a warm embrace.

“Sehun, don’t cry!”

“What if they think I’m as ugly as you?”

With a cry of annoyance, Jongin pulled away, slapping his arm and stomping his foot. Sehun laughed, but was still visibly shaking, anxiety written all over his face.

At the familiar, in-character comment from Sehun, everyone began to relax.

It’s fine. It’s okay. We’re not going to change. It’s just like practice, in front of an audience.

“EXO-K onstage in thirty seconds!”

Baekhyun swore, and Chanyeol slapped him from behind. They both laughed nervously.

It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.

Kyungsoo felt sick, the taste of metallic blood all over his tongue, and pressed a finger subtly to his teeth again. Sure enough, there was still blood there.

“Twenty seconds!”

“Ten seconds!”

“Five seconds!”

Before any of them could comprehend what was happening, they were being ushered onstage, screams piercing their ears, icy darkness filling their eyes.

Kyungsoo was panicking.

He was hitting every note perfectly, expression confident, everything going wonderfully. The group had never performed so well before, and it couldn’t have been a better performance.

Except for the fact that Kyungsoo was bleeding.

And, the moment Kyungsoo began singing the starting line of Mama, a girl in the audience screamed, “pig!” over all the other voices.

Pig!

Pig!

Pig!

the blood from his teeth with the inside of his lips, Kyungsoo danced as powerfully as his weak body would let him, close to tears.

Pig!

The other members zoomed past him in rapid, fluid motions, slender bodies moving with the beats of the song, voices belting out smoothly. He felt weak, small and fat beneath their beauty.

Pig!

He sang his next line with hesitance, almost forgetting to away the blood that he could tell was still dripping from his gums. His whole mouth tasted of iron, and his head felt like it was being filled with lead.

Pig!

He exhaled deeply and spun around, almost toppling over.

Did I mishear her?

Baekhyun’s voice boomed over the loudspeakers and the screams from the fans rose dramatically, and Kyungsoo couldn’t tell whether girls were wailing or his mind was screeching at him.

Pig!

Kyungsoo struggled with every step, every jump, every spin, eyes blurring out of focus as he tossed his head. He’d never struggled with dancing so much before, and at the same time, he’d never danced so intensely in his life.

Jongin rode through his solo with ease, arms moving gracefully in deep contrast to the blaring song, hands grabbing at himself in all the right ways. Kyungsoo was half mesmerised, half jealous, and completely on edge.

Pig!

Running his tongue over his whole mouth one last time before the last chorus approached, he swallowed his tears, and became painfully aware of how heavy his footsteps really were.

✏ [ a/n ] QUICK WARNING PLZ READ!!! M RATED CHAPTER NEXT AND AGAIN THERE WILL BE A CHAPTER SUMMARY AT THE END IN THE A/N PLEASE BE WARNED OK DONE!!! my precious readers omfg all the feedback from last update you guys i just-- i don't deserve any of this support you guys are the loveliest i love you so so much you really do make my world <3 thank you so much for all of your support guys i say it all the time but UGH what else do i say how can i truly express my thanks???? update faster idk???? (also sorry if i don't reply immediately we're having internet problems but i promise i'll get around to it eventually) i love you guys wtf okay bye <3

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