NINE

“Kyungsoo, slow down,” Yixing laughed, “you’re eating too fast.”

Kyungsoo smiled sheepishly, looking up from his bowl, a piece of food dangling from his lips. Yixing chuckled and wiped it away, before pinching his cheeks, cooing over how adorable he was.

“Sorry. Your food is just so good.”

“Oh, stop,” Yixing gushed, “you’re just too sweet.”

Luhan watched the scene suspiciously; knowing that all the food Kyungsoo was eating would end up in the toilet in only minutes. However, he couldn’t help being a tiny bit impressed that Kyungsoo had found another alternative to his eating disorder. It was blatantly obvious when he was starving himself, but now that he was purging, everyone expected he’d recovered because he was eating again. Yet still, he wouldn’t gain any weight after eating, because it was all coming back up again.

Jongin, still paranoid, had noticed Luhan zoning out and subconsciously stirring his food around, and he quietly whined and told him to eat or he’d cry.

Luhan was not in the mood to eat. Yixing had made a foreign dish and he couldn’t find all the ingredients on his calorie count app, so he wasn’t sure what he’d be consuming. He also felt strangely triggered by Kyungsoo’s suspicious behaviour, knowing that whatever he ate would stay in his body, but Kyungsoo would be able to dispose of it easily.

He only managed a few bites before he felt ill at the thoughts of becoming fat, and declared he was finished. Jongin looked upset and Junmyeon was sceptical, but his convincing smile was enough for everyone else.

He froze at the doorway, however, when Minseok quietly stood up to follow him.

They lay in silence on their designated beds – Minseok seemingly comfortable, but Luhan in one of the most awkward positions he could ever have been in. He knew Minseok wasn’t just tired. He knew something was going to unfold – and he wasn’t prepared to be scolded once more.

However, Minseok didn’t speak for a while – but the moment Luhan turned to check if the elder was asleep, he finally heard the words he’d been dreading to come.

“You didn’t eat much tonight.”

Minseok looked up at Luhan, who quickly looked away and rolled over, facing the wall.

“I was a little sick.”

“You didn’t seem to be sick before.”

Luhan sighed. “If you’re going to start lecturing me, just get it over and done with.”

“No, I’m not going to. I just want to know why you’re doing this to yourself.”

“I’m not doing anything to myself.”

“Do you really think I’m that blind, Luhan?”

Luhan sighed.

“I’m not doing anything, Minseok.”

“You’re insecure about your weight, aren’t you?”

Frustration was bubbling up in Luhan’s throat, and it took all of his strength to repress the urge to attack him.

“No.”

Minseok put his hands behind his head.

“Admittedly, I’m insecure about my weight as well. We all are. Except Sehun and Jongin, of course, but they both eat like horses and don’t gain any weight. And I can tell from just the way you act around mealtimes that something’s wrong. I saw it in Kyungsoo long before he lashed out at Jongin.”

Luhan glared at the whiteness of the walls and balled his fists. “Then why didn’t you do anything?”

“The same reason as everyone else, Luhan,” Minseok said softly. “I was scared. Yifan saw it too, but he was scared, as well. We were all too scared. Why didn’t you do anything?”

“Because I didn’t notice anything!” Luhan cried. “I didn’t realise anything was wrong!”

“Don’t yell.”

Luhan dug his fingernails into his palms, seething. “You’re insane.”

“Can we stop talking about Kyungsoo for a minute? Kyungsoo’s recovered now. I’m worried about you.”

“No, he hasn’t!”

Luhan squeezed his eyes shut and focused on calming his rapid breathing, wishing he hadn’t yelled. He was so, so frustrated.

“What do you mean, he hasn’t?”

“He…he…just, just forget it, okay?”

“No, Luhan. I won’t just forget it. Not when you’re going to end up like Kyungsoo. Or, worse, Woosung.”

“I’m ing fine!” Luhan cried, opening his eyes and glaring at the walls, “why are you being so nosy?”

“You are not fine, Luhan.”

“You’re not fine, Kim Minseok!”

“Don’t you speak to me like that,” Minseok growled, standing up and marching over to the bunk bed. Luhan rolled over, and came face-to-face with Minseok’s grim face, partly hidden by the barred railings.

“What? Do you really think twenty-five days is going to change how much respect I have for you?”

“As your elder—”

“Elder my . We’re too close for that crap, Minseok. You’re not even the leader, this isn’t your responsibility.”

“Do you think I had a choice?” Minseok yelled, “how could I possibly lead a band in a foreign country, with a language I can hardly speak?”

“You—”

“Don’t you even try and bring status into this, Luhan! This is about you and your mental health, not my damn role in this industry! I know what you’re doing and I’m not going to let you hurt yourself anymore! Yifan knows it, too, and if you think you’re going to get away with it then you’re not. Ever since you were sent to hospital—”

“Enough,” Luhan barked, sitting up and swinging himself off the bed to stand in front of Minseok. “Just stop, alright? You don’t understand anything. Just let me deal with—”

“I do understand, Luhan.”                

Luhan snarled dangerously, calmness finally snapping, before lunging out and seizing Minseok’s collar, pulling him in roughly and making him scream.

“How dare you say that?”

“L-Let go of me, Luhan!”

“How dare you say you understand the I’m going through? How dare you?!”

“Because I do, okay?” Minseok cried, “I do understand, because this isn’t ing easy for me, either!”

Minseok stared up at him with pleading eyes, while Luhan glared at him, chest heaving, before he let go of Minseok’s shirt, throwing him to the ground. Minseok cried out in pain as his shoulder hit the floor with a loud bang, and curled up, whimpering.

Luhan hardly felt remorse for him.

“You really think you understand this because you’re the eldest, Minseok?”

“It’s not that!” he sobbed, “I swear, I swear it’s not that, it’s not anything. This…” Minseok took a moment to gasp a quaking breath; “this isn’t easy for me either.”

“So you’re only doing this for yourself?” Luhan screamed, “you don’t care about how I feel about this? This is all about you, isn’t it?”

“No, Luhan, listen to me!”

Wincing, Minseok scrambled to his feet, hand still clutching his shoulder. “I don’t…I don’t know exactly what’s happened to you, and Kyungsoo, but this…I’m not finding this easy either…I just…”

“If you’re telling me you’re suffering because of me,” Luhan snapped, “then stop worrying. I can handle my own problems.”

“It’s—”

“I don’t need you, Minseok.”

The words stung. Minseok looked hurt – significantly hurt. He stepped back.

“I…I just thought…if you needed someone to talk to—”

“As if you would understand me.”

Luhan saw tears in Minseok’s eyes, but his conscience wasn’t strong enough to reach his anger.

“You know, Luhan,” Minseok said shakily, voice breaking off tearfully in all the wrong places, “I don’t really like myself either. And I thought you, of all the members, my best friend, the person I can trust most…I…I thought you’d understand that. But I guess not.”

Luhan looked up and down at Minseok, who felt weak and small under his stare.

“Just so you know, if you want to make me feel bad about who I am,” Minseok whispered, “you don’t need to. I already hate myself enough.”

Minseok pushed past Luhan and ran out of the bedroom, and Luhan fell to the ground.

He wasn’t sure when the tears started, but once they fell, they didn’t stop.

“What happened to you?”

Minseok had crashed into Jongdae after he ran out of the room, and Jongdae was horrified seeing him break down into tears.

“Minseok? Minseok, what happened?”                     

“Luhan,” Minseok cried, pulling himself towards Jongdae, “Luhan, Luhan, he’s gone. He’s gone.”

“What?!”

“He’s a monster!”

“Minseok, stop crying! Minseok! Minseok?!”

Minseok’s fingers scraped down Jongdae’s back as he curled into his embrace, tears flowing and soaking up into the younger’s shirt. He was shaking profusely and clinging on for dear life, as if Jongdae was the only thing to keep him from slipping away.

“Everyone’s gone,” Minseok wailed, “Kyungsoo’s gone, Luhan’s gone and it’s taking me away from me…”

“Minseok, what are you talking about?”

The loud noises had attracted some of the other members, but neither took notice of them.

“This isn’t who I wanted to become,” he cried, “this…this isn’t what I wanted…”

Minseok continued to cry over Jongdae’s shoulders, the distressed members spectating in confusion.

Nobody saw Kyungsoo standing in the corner.

Nobody knew he was the only one that could really understand.

Luhan had managed to calm down his tears, but they soon returned when he buried himself under the blankets, trying to sleep. All he could see was food, food, terrible, fattening, horrible food, that sat in his stomach and turned into thick, horrible fat, packed with calories, calories, calories.

Even when Yifan crawled into bed beside him and rubbed his shoulders comfortingly, crying helplessly into his hair, the loud black-and-white screams of too many calories, too many calories was enough to make Luhan’s stomach churn.

✏ [ a/n ] weirdy chapter ik. don't worry this will actually become very relevant later on <3 cough anyway hello everyone! i've been getting heaps of new subscribers, commenters and upvoters and i'm blown away at the amount of attention this fic is gaining. it means so much to me that so many people are enjoying this! all of your lovely comments have made me so happy and i adore each and every one of you~ i've been noticing a lot of people dislike kyungsoo so far LOL but thank you so much for all of your comments and feedback! i love hearing from you guys! and uh while you guys are reading this i'm gonna do some quick and shameless advertising; if you guys like fluffy comedic exo fics, my friend here is currently writing a hilarious hunhan fic that you can read here! since you guys are the loveliest readers i've ever encountered, it'd be so amazing to see you supporting her as well! thank you so much for supporting both this story and my friend's if you're interested in reading it, and i hope you guys enjoyed the update ^^; all the intense stuff is coming up otl hope this isn't too dramatic for all of you ;;

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