TWENTY-SIX

“Everyone, we have some exciting news for you.”

All twelve members were seated outside the practice room they were booked in to, which was currently being used by a senior group, and a representative had approached them hastily. Their manager was looking away with a smile, and all of them knew something was up.

The staff member smiled. “Don’t look so scared. This is very beneficial to your careers.”

They all stared at him in interest, and he held up a sheet of paper he’d slipped out of his briefcase. “The chairman has decided we’ve prolonged your debut for long enough, and you’re ready for promotions now. Instead of debuting in August like we planned, it will be moved to May, instead.”

The members holding bags dropped them on the floor. The empty-handed ones dropped their jaws. Sehun fell off his chair completely, onto his knees.

“No,” Chanyeol gasped, mouth agape.

“Yes.”

“No way.”

Jongdae swore loudly, not caring that he was in front of a high member of staff, and stood up, his hands in his hair. He started pacing the hallway, beaming in disbelief, and continued cursing under his breath.

“I can’t believe it,” Junmyeon whimpered, leaning forward and clutching his knees weakly.

Jongin, news finally settling in through his slow reaction time, screamed, standing up and pulling Kyungsoo to his feet. He threw himself into the elder’s embrace, starting to cry, and all hell broke loose.

The representative managed to escape the havoc before he was pulled in, and the hallway became a storm of painfully tight hugs, messy kisses and tears of joy in shocked celebration.

“May!” Yixing bawled, stumbling into Zitao’s arms and crying into his shirt, “I can’t believe it! May!”

Baekhyun slid to the floor and cried into his arms, shaking his head, incredulous.

“Baekhyun, you should be happy!” Jongdae laughed, hugging him tightly, “we’re going to debut! We’re going to debut in May!”

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed, “I’m sorry I ever doubted the group. I n-never want to leave you guys, ever.”

Jongdae chuckled again and kissed his cheek, slightly violently, and ruffled his hair. “It’s okay. Everything’s fine.”

“I love you,” Baekhyun sobbed, “all of you. You’re amazing. Every one of you.”

Jongdae helped Baekhyun to his feet, and he immediately staggered over to Yifan, throwing his arms over the taller shoulders and crying into his neck. Yifan was frozen, leaning against the wall, and looked even more shaken up when Baekhyun attached himself to him.

“I’m sorry, Yifan,” he cried, clinging on to him pathetically. “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, for everything I ever said. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry, Yifan, I’m sorry, I…I love you, and, and you’ve worked so hard to deserve this, and—”

Tears collecting in his eyes, Yifan hugged the younger back, shaking his head.

“It’s okay, Baekhyun.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Smiling nervously, Yifan pulled back. “It’s okay. I promise.”

Somehow, the hole in his heart that Woosung had left was slowly being repaired. It had only been a day, and already his emptiness was being refilled. He felt refreshed. He felt…better.

Shutting his eyes, he rested his chin on Baekhyun’s head, and they swayed back and forth in their embrace.

I hope you’re proud of us, Woosung. I could never have come this far without you.

Kyungsoo had brushed everyone off that night, silently walking over to his room, and hadn’t even bothered to exit for dinner. He appeared to be the only one that wasn’t in the mood for celebrating their debut date being brought closer – in fact, he’d hardly looked even slightly joyful when the news came. He’d hugged the other members, but never smiled. Nobody had noticed.

Jongin made an attempt to persuade him out of his bed, but eventually gave up when Kyungsoo pretended to be asleep. Jongin knew he was faking it, because he wouldn’t respond even when he shook him – but left him nonetheless.

Luhan and Minseok, for the first time in a while, didn’t have a single thought about their weight, for the whole night. Luhan’s stomach had adapted to eating less than the other members, so he instinctively stopped when he felt slightly full, but was too caught up in the celebratory atmosphere around him to care that he’d eaten more than he usually would have. Minseok finished a meal, and didn’t even think twice about purging.

The eleven members were sprawled out around the living room, watching a movie they’d all seen together many times, having their own separate small conversations and meaningless interactions together. Jongin’s thoughts kept diverting back to Kyungsoo every so often, constantly wiping the smile from his lips, but Sehun did a considerable job of steering his mind away.

“It’s nearly Christmas,” Junmyeon said, wriggling his toes in his socks and leaning on Luhan’s shoulder. Unlike the others, they were sitting on the floor in a separate corner of the room, not bothered to watch the movie and wanting to have their own private conversation. Originally, Junmyeon had felt tired and went to sit down away from the others, but Luhan joined him when he saw the younger sitting by himself in the corner.

Luhan shut his eyes and let his head fall back, resting against the wall. The quiet buzz of mindless chatter and dialogue from the movie was making him sleepy, and Junmyeon’s breath on his neck was encouraging him to doze off, right there, on the floor.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, “we have to buy something for the others, don’t we?”

Junmyeon lifted Luhan’s fingers and gently began playing with them, “what do you want for Christmas, Luhan?”

Luhan was quiet for a long time. The first thought that came to his mind was – I want to be happy, but he couldn’t say that.

All he really longed for was happiness. Through his EDNOS, through the stress, through the secrets he kept and the anxiety he suppressed, he just wanted to be happy. He was scared to give up the lifestyle he’d become accustomed to, but he was tired of it. He didn’t want to constantly worry about his weight, whether he was being judged, what everyone thought of him. He wanted to be carefree. He wanted to be happy, happy, just happy.

“Nothing,” Luhan breathed, “I don’t want anything. I want to be with you. All of you.”

Junmyeon looked up, lifting his head, and Luhan opened his eyes.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Junmyeon watched him for a little longer, a small smile tugging at his lips, before he settled his arms around the elder’s waist and snuggled up to him, head back on his shoulder. Luhan reached up to drag his fingers through Junmyeon’s hair, looking out at the other members.

I want this moment to last forever.

When he looked back down at Junmyeon, he was asleep.

“Kyungsoo!” Minseok gasped, “Kyungsoo, stop!”

Minseok had opened the door to Kyungsoo and Jongin’s bedroom, wanting to check up on the younger member, but he didn’t expect to see what he saw.

Kyungsoo was sitting on the floor, resting against the wall, a razorblade in his hand, dragging it up and down his thighs in a continual, fast motion. He didn’t so much as wince with every cut, slicing through his skin easily, blood beading through.

Up, down, up, down.

The blade was moving fast, but Minseok moved faster. With a cry, he dove onto the younger and swiped the blade from his fingers, knocking them both to the floor. Kyungsoo yelled, and Minseok threw the blade across the room. It skidded across the floor and lodged itself under a stack of books.

“What the !” Kyungsoo shrieked, slapping Minseok and pushing him off.

“Stop it,” Minseok growled, “stop cutting yourself.”

“Stop intruding on my private business!” Kyungsoo spat, “you should have ing knocked!”

Minseok sat up on his knees and held Kyungsoo’s shoulders down, examining his red-stained thighs with angry vehemence. Kyungsoo tried to kick him away, but Minseok ignored every blow.

“Stop looking at me!” he screamed, “stop it!”

“How many cuts,” Minseok breathed, “can you ing make, without killing yourself?”

“Maybe I’m trying to kill myself!”

“Minseok?” Yixing yelled from the living room, “Minseok, is everything okay in there?”

A round of noise arose from the room, and Minseok knew everyone was slowly diverting their attention to the panic in Yixing’s voice, the sleeping members stirring.

They heard someone running over, and Minseok quickly turned around, blocking Kyungsoo from sight and giving him time to pull his sweatpants back up.

Kyungsoo clothed himself and covered his cuts just in time. Yixing stopped in front of the door and looked in, frowning at the suspicious sight. Kyungsoo had his arms around his legs, and Minseok was sitting up on his knees, protecting him.

“What happened?”

“Nothing,” Minseok said immediately.

More members crowded around the entrance, and Jongin pushed forward, looking upset.

“What did he do to you, hyung?” Jongin asked. Kyungsoo shook his head, “we said, nothing happened.”

“Then why were you screaming?” Yifan asked immediately.

“He scared me.”

“He scared you into saying you want to kill yourself?” Sehun snapped. Jongin gasped. Everyone else was quiet.

“I didn’t say that,” Kyungsoo retaliated.

“I heard it!” Sehun protested, balling his fists.                

“He didn’t say it,” Minseok said defensively, “and nobody else heard it, either.”

“I heard it,” Jongdae said timidly. “I mean, I didn’t hear it, but I heard something.”

“Nobody else heard anything,” Kyungsoo spluttered, “let it go, okay?”

“You said you wanted to kill yourself!” Sehun roared, “this is the second time, Kyungsoo!”

“Sehun, stop,” Jongin begged, “please, please, everyone stop.”

“How can you let this go?” Sehun cried, “Jongin, I heard him say—”

“I know!” Jongin screamed, grabbing at his hair and pulling it violently, blocking his ears from Sehun’s voice. “I know, okay? Just ing leave him alone!”

Sehun stepped back, and Jongin let his hands fall back to his sides, starting to cry. “Please,” he sobbed, “please, please, just leave. Everyone, just leave.”

Kyungsoo pushed Minseok’s back with his index finger, “go, Minseok.”

Slowly, Minseok stood up and walked out, glancing behind him, and Yixing waved away everyone.

“Come on. Let’s leave them alone.”

When everyone had left, Jongin shut the door behind them, and turned to Kyungsoo, who was still curled up on the floor. Sniffling, he kneeled next to him, kissing him softly, tears still falling.

“Are you okay?” he whispered, wrapping his arms around the younger’s waist and hoisting him up on his knees. Kyungsoo pushed the arms off him.

“Yeah.”

“Why did you say you wanted to kill yourself?”

Kyungsoo looked away, and stood up, wincing when the material of his sweatpants touched his tender cuts. “I didn’t.”

“Sehun wouldn’t lie.”

“Well, he did.”

Jongin stood up, cornering him against the wall, and Kyungsoo growled in frustration.

“Do you really think I forgot what you said that night we came back from swimming? Do you really think I’m going to let this go? You’re still lying to me, Kyungsoo. Even after all of this, you’re still lying to me.”

Finally, Kyungsoo sighed, slumping against the wall. “Fine. I said it, okay? It was only to make Minseok off. Can we let this go?”

Jongin kicked the wall, making Kyungsoo jump. “No, Kyungsoo! We can’t let this go! You can’t just say you want to kill yourself to make someone go away! Stop lying!”

“I’m not lying!”

With a cry of defeat, Jongin thumped the wall with both fists, and burst into tears again. He crumpled to the floor, burying his face in his hands.

“I can’t even ing communicate with you anymore!” Jongin screamed, “I can’t talk to you, Kyungsoo, because every little thing that comes out of your damned mouth is a lie! I know I’m not a good boyfriend, but we have a relationship! You’re meant to trust me! I tell you everything, Kyungsoo!”

Kyungsoo felt something searing hot burn through his heart, and he gasped, breathing hard.

“Why,” Jongin sobbed, “why are you doing this to me? Don’t you ing love me anymore?”

Kyungsoo’s head was spinning out of control, and all of a sudden he felt lightheaded and sick. He looked down at Jongin’s collapsed figure, his shirt clinging to his thin frame, and inhaled one last breath before he fell to the floor, unconscious.

✏ [ a/n ] honestly, guys, i am really getting fed up with the amount of people being influenced by this story. not fed up with my readers, no, of course not - fed up with the fact that something so important to me is so harmful to others. am i doing more harm than good, by letting the public read this? how many eating disorders am i flourishing? how many lives am i ruining? i know how hard it is to struggle with an eating disorder and, , it's not just a little bit of life taken away. it's a slice of every aspect of your happiness, shredded away, wounds too deep to patch up with any kind of therapy. it's not just life ruining, it doesn't just kill you. it takes away your soul and leaves behind an empty carcass and i refuse to be the one that's causing this kind of epidemic to stir among innocent readers that just want a good story. no; i refuse to create any eating disorders to anybody in this community. i'll say this now and time and time again, i'll make it more obvious than ever: IF YOU ARE AT RISK OF BEING TRIGGERED AND DEVELOPING AN EATING DISORDER FROM THIS STORY, STOP. READING. i'm telling you now, it's not worth the 'good read'. do you want to watch your life crush beneath your very own feet, and not be able to do anything about it? you do not want to develop an eating disorder. the only reason i didn't set this story as M or Trigger Warning is for the mere fact that most of the ED community is underage and i want this story to bring comfort. i will NOT be the cause of eating disorders; guys, i just can't handle that kind of guilt on my shoulders, and i can't let people's lives end up miserable. i want everybody reading this story to answer this poll truthfully. i won't delete this story based on the answers, no, but i'm going to think about some real changes that need to be made to do with the warnings on this story. i'm sorry this can't be the usual cheerful authors note but i just can't keep this story going knowing i could be hurting people's lives.

HAS MY STORY GIVEN YOU EATING DISORDER / SELFHARM THOUGHTS? 
please comment if you'd like to answer in further depth, i'd really appreciate it a lot.

and guys, hell, i haven't even turned fifteen yet. i'm too young to be dealing with these swarm of readers asking for help with their eating disorders. i want to assist all of you but i'm really no damn therapist, i've been trying to support myself for years and i've gone no where except down! if any of you have any ideas on what to do about this and how to make sure i don't influence people (without changing the story in any way) then please, do give me some ideas. i really have no idea what to do. thank you, everyone, and i'm so sorry for everything i've done.

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