i'm so sorry for this, but this chap might be dissappoint you guys. i don't know why i feel so discourage in writing these days. so, im going to apologise for the poop writing! ^^

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Second becomes minute. Minute becomes minutes. Here I am, being lost in my own world of insecurities and miserable. Never in a million years I wish to meet someone that already become my-last-person-on-earth-that-I-want-to-meet-till-the-day-I-die checklist in here, at this moment. I notice he has been intensely glaring at me since our eyes met and this crap builds the tension inside me bigger and bigger. The smell of alcohol and smoke already strikes me like a lost bullet, making my head pounds louder and sicker. I look around- trying to empty my head from something else but nothing help me at all. All I could see is bodies of so-called civilized human jumping their off to follow the loud beat of the music. Jiyong is busy talking to another person beside him, the one that I should call unscored exchange of each other success. However, despite from all the annoying things that happen around, my eyes catch a glimpse of Jiyong’s Marlboro cigarette box and his square dragon’s designed lighter. This is a good opportunity to escape all this . I need to get out from here. The air is choking me. The surrounding suffocates me.

‘Ji…’ I start, snaking my hand on his back gently.

‘excuse me.’ I hear Jiyong’s voice echoes before he turns to face me. ‘What is it,babe?’

‘I’m going outside for a while.’ I say slowly, trying to compose my straight-face as good as possible.

‘Does your head hurt?’

I smile at him. He still remembers about it. ‘hurmm..’ I hum while giving him a smile. ‘I’m going…’

I am about to stand when Jiyong pulls my wrist, making me seated again on the black couch. ‘Do you want me to accompany you?’ He sounds worried and I obviously don’t want him to come along.

‘No, Ji. Just stay around. Enjoy yourself… it’s just for a while.’ I look into his eyes to make him sure that I’m okay. He searches for my eyes before nodding slowly and unwillingly.

I let out a small chuckle at his reaction. ‘I love you,’ I say in almost excited voice and peck him lightly on his lips before standing and leading myself out of the door.

I let out a big sigh after succeeding myself from get out from the room of all. I glare in front, acting like a sick brat, ignoring all the people I’ve met in the big casino. People look at my direction probably saying bad thing at my back. Maybe they are wondering where does this , glaring scarily come from. I don’t give a . What I need to get my from this . I need a pain- killer. This pain killer. The box of cigarette and the lighter in my hand, I clutch them hard to help controlling my anger from exploding. Suddenly, I grab a cloth of a waiter who is holding his tray upon his chest. He jerked and shocked by my reaction he almost drop his tray.

‘where is the rooftop?’ I ask him uninterestedly.

He meets my eyes for second before looking down the floor. ‘fol..follow the sta..stair,’ he shutters, answering my question.

What? Am I too scary? Or he I just another scaredy cat? Ah, I don’t know and I don’t care. I send him off without smiling before making my way to the stairs he mentioned before. Within several minutes, I’ve already settled myself in front of the ocean of Seoul light before me. Placing my elbows in the railing, my two hands work fast to grab the cigarette out of the box to my mouth.

Puffffff….. I blow the smoke several times in peace before the thunder of problem strike me without mercy again. From of all the day, how could this day, the day that I want to hate him the most, the day I want to throw him after so long, they day I mad at him the most, he appears in front of me. That big jerk.  Choi ing Seunghyun. The disgusted pictures from the magazine still haunts my mind. The anger and frustration still lingers my heart. The guilt of Jiyong out of lust still aches my soul. And how could he appear after two years? How could he appear after he left me without any damn single word? How dare he stare at me like he hasn’t done nothing wrong? How dare he?

Question after question about me makes me even madder and sadder. How could he? Then man that I haven’t once left him even for a second in my heart, do something unforgivable like that? The fact that I’m so mad at him to the extend I’m shaking makes me crazy. I clutch my left hand so hard and the other keeps its job, taking in and out the cigarette from my mouth. The foreign water begins to pool in my eyes. ‘,’ the word escapes my mouth. After so long I manage to hold my tear and tonight, it begins to form again. After the marriage, after he left me, I promise myself I won’t ever, EVER cry for that big jerk anymore. But tonight, I’m losing myself again. Tonight, I will be crying. Tonight, I get to see him in front of him. And tonight, I know I miss him. All the facts blow my mind to the limit, and finally, after so long ive been holding myself, the tears fall from my eyes. It hurts so much…my heart.

I don’t realise how much did I cried or how did I finish my second cigarette already. When I am about to light the third one, a hand snap it out my mouth.

‘what the ?’ my mouth moves in sync with my head, searching for the rude hand. The second my eyes fell onto the figure, my body stiffens without notice. That same man I have loved all this while. That same man that have the same eyes. That same man I’ve been missing all this while. That same man that rips my heart into pieces.

‘you still curse.’ That voice sweeps my face like a night breeze, so soft yet so painful.

I furrow my eyebrows, trying to surge down the feelings that have been suppressed deep down my heart all this while. All the anger, pain, sadness, disappointment, mistrust, and all the ed up emotion that have been caving inside my heart burdens me to the point it hurts so much, too much I just want to jump from this rooftop. I don’t want to feel this. Please..Seunghyun..just go. I don’t want to see you.

‘what are you doing here?’ that voice rings my eardrums again.

I respond nothing, just staring blankly at the blackness of the night. But inside, part of me wants to throw punches at him for leaving me and appearing in front of me again after so long. Another part, mute and paralyse from what have happened between us. He has chosen to leave me, then what right did I have to expect something from this kind of man.

I tuck strands of hair behind my ear, hating how self-conscious I feel.  I hate the feeling of we are nothing but a stranger and I even hate it when I can do nothing to blow myself to this guy. I do not need him to talk to me, to spark the flustered feeling ive had from him all this while. Why he just can’t disappear, it’s the only thing he good at.

He sighs beside me. I eye him from the corner of my eyes, and I could see his head is lowered. ‘Since when you smoke? It’s not good for yourself.’

It’s all it takes for me to look at him as if I want to eat him alive. ‘Stop acting like you damn care about me.’ I speak to him through a gritted teeth. Yeah, stop acting like he ing care about me. Just leave me like he’s always do. He doesn’t need to show any sympathy at me. I need none!

Seunghyun stares back at me with soft-looking eyes and it makes me hate him more.

‘Hyer..’

‘Stop.’ I cut him off. ‘Don’t say any word, anymore, okay?’ I turn my head off him and look in front. ‘please… don’t make it hard for me.’ I sigh before continue, ‘it has been so hard already…for the past two years.’ My voice sounds like weak duckling trying to gain sympathy, but the truth is, I’m so tired of this already. I’m so tired of him. I’m so tired of this foolish feeling. Again, without my permission, my tears roll down my eyes again. And I can’t help myself, from becoming like a fool in front of him. Wasn’t I always like that? A fool before Choi Seunghyun.

I don’t know why I can’t stop crying right now. I don’t know why it’s too hurt to meet him again like this. I just feel, too much hurt inside my heart that I cannot seem to think of anything else except from this jerk. Although I know all these tears might be nothing to him anymore, but I cant help myself from hurting for his past action.

‘hyeri…’

I hear his voice calling me again, his voice full of remorse and sadness. Then, without any notice, he pulls me in his arms, wrapping them closely to my body. My face sinks in his broad chest-like a good old time and I could feel his breathe sweeps my skin on my neck. Even I know I am hugged unwillingly, I am unable to push him off. I’m too robotic to react to anything. What I know is I want to let everything go tonight. Because I know, at the end of the day, he will go again and me too, have to go to Jiyong’s side. That’s a reality.

‘I’m sorry for everything,’ he mumbles in a soft, trembled voice. ‘I’m sorry.’

Hearing the words, they was just like a blade that slays my heart even deeper. It’s ing hurt me to hear him apologising to me.

‘I miss you…I miss you so much I thought I’m dying.’

‘YOU THOUGHT YOU DIED?’ I scream in his chest. All of sudden, I feel the urge of anger that drives me to yank him from my body.

‘YOU THOUGH YOU DIED?’ I yell the word in this face, repeating the same thing. I don’t know what has possessed me but I launch at him, punching him hard on his chest while saying ‘WELL, I HAVE DIED THOUSAND TIMES BECAUSE OF YOU, BIG FAT JERK!!!’ My tears rain like a monsoon as I beat him. Seunghyun doesn’t even seem to protest me beating him, but he just looks at me like I’m sort of new thing to him. However, I notice his eyes also begin to crystal water and because of that, it softens the beast inside me. I stop punching him. Instead, I turn to my back to him. I don’t want to see his face like that. He looks,,,too fragile. Too pitiful.

‘I almost die, Seunghyun.’ I sob between my words. ‘I waited for you. If it wasn’t for Jiyong, I might not existed anymore… I waited…’ My words die when I feel a pair of hand hugs me from behind. I could feel his body is shaking right now against my body.

‘I search for you, Hyeri… I search for you.. by the time I found you, you’re already …’ Seunghyun chokes at the words. I could feel his suffering in his tone, but he needs to taste my own too. I’m the one who he left behind.

‘You lied. You said you would never left me.’

‘I left to settle things for our sake. How could I left you after you hurt yourself because of me? I still cannot forgive myself for that.’

‘You lied, again. I’d waited for you but….’ I stop at those words. The next word seems to strangle my neck. The thought at the time at the villa back then, it hurts me too much. I remembered the moment I found him not beside me. I remember the moment the pass out in front of the villa. I remembered cutting my hair short. Every single moment back then really hurts me. And every single moment that I have to live without him tortures me. I hate to think that I believe this guy to give him over my everything to him, given everything we had shared over and all we had been through together. I draw a long breath, trying to keep my emotions in check, but it is impossible when it comes to Seunghyun. It is so hard right now and I am tired. I have no strength left to deal with this man. He has taken my soul away long time ago and tonight, he still steals my energy away from my body, making my legs turn to jelly. Seunghyun realises I’m not able to stand, so he holds me close to his body, hugging me close to him. At his touch, I feel all the pent-up emotion of the day burst to the surface, overwhelming my fragile composure, and I squeeze my eyes closed, trying to get rid of everything.

I don’t know how long he holds me, but he never once try to let me go. When I have already compose myself, I try to turn my body to face him. And what I did see, shock me enough. I see Seunghyun is biting his lips hard and his eyes are wet from the tears that overflow. I don’t know why it hurts to see him in that condition but somehow, seeing him like that makes all the bad emotions I’ve held before disappear like a pop.

I run my fingers along his cheeks, sweeping away the drained tears. He looks at me, surprised. I smile at him. ‘You look seriously ugly right now.’

He smiles slightly at me before saying, ‘you’re not mad at me anymore?’

‘I’m tired of mad at you, Seunghyun.’

‘Call me that again, will you?’

‘Seunghyun…’ I call him with the most soft but husky voice I could produce at this moment. Seunghyun closes his eyes when his name escapes my lips. After some times, he opens his eyes again and looks at me with indescribable look.

‘I love you…’

What? I am totally shocked to hear that three words from him. It feels so …alienated but so right to my ears. But before I could even process anything, he already crashed his lips with mine, pulling me onto a kiss that I thought it was imposibble after what have happened. I have forgotten how he tastes, but this moment, the thought flies back to me, making me remember only beautiful things about him. I kiss him back, attacking his lips with my own, causing a groan to escape his lips. But before we immersed into a more tense situation, he pulls out, placing his forehead on mine.

‘I love you, Hyeri… too much. I need you to know everything.’

‘it’s too late already, Seunghyun…’ I reply back, trying to be sensible.

‘please…hyeri..’ he begs me with desperation in his voice and I left with no choice.

I sigh before replying. ‘okay…’

‘thank you… let’s go.’ He pulls my hand out of the place, heading down the stairs.

‘where are we going?’ I ask him urgently.

‘our house…’

Simple answers, but it flusters me too much. Our house…. But wait!

‘Seunghyun! I come with Jiyong here. I didn’t drive.’

‘I did.’

‘You drive?’

He just gives me a simple nod and it shocks me enough. Seunghyun learns to drive? I smile at the thought pleasantly, thinking he has overcame his own trauma for his own good. He tightens his grasp on my hands when we’re came down from the stairs, walking through dozens of people on the dancing floor in the casino. Within minutes, I’ve already in his car which is speeding through the busy night of Seoul.

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Inside the celebrating room, Jiyong is still waiting for his wife to come back after taking the fresh air. He doesn’t expect her to be this late, it’s almost thirty minutes since she goes out and he keeps glancing between the sliding door and his watch.

‘ahh…maybe I should accompany her just now.’ He thinks.

He almost wants to get up from his seat to search for his wife when his phone vibrates inside his jeans pocket.

FROM: MY WIFE

MESSAGE: Ji…I’m heading out first. I’ll sleep at my friend house.