Some of you might get confused as i swear i'm not in my right mind now.

but remember, this indicates SEUNGHYUN's RECALL

Several days have passed and I’ve been discharged from the Jeju Hospital. Jiyong stays with me all this time, taking care of me and make sure I got everything I need. As far as I know, he has already informed my family about my condition and our agreement about this marriage. Dongwook oppa has come to visit me at the hospital, but he can’t stay longer as he doesn’t manage to get more leave from his company. I don’t mind though because I don’t want him or anyone else to find out what has happened to me. I just want all these nightmares get buried along with time, let them been swiped away as the wind blows and the water flows.

 According to Jiyong, my Mommy and Daddy are coming back to Korea, to manage and settle our marriage reception here and the marriage would take place in a month’s time. As my foot is casted, the doctor has required me to take at least a month to rest and avoid giving pressure on my foot. Jiyong suggests that we should marry in the middle of December and I bluntly agree to it. I couldn’t care less about Jiyong’s decision or mom or anyone else anymore, however, I am glad that I am not going to be a bride with crutches. Or else, it will taint the pride of all beautiful and gorgeous previous brides in Korean.

‘Oh, I forget to tell you that Chaerin from Delta team will supervise this MX project,’ says Jiyong when we’re heading to my villa to pack up my things.

‘You mean she’ll gonna take over my job?’ I ask him back to clarify his statement. I know my team’s hands are full but to have Chaerin, the junior team to take over this project, I don’t have such a faith.

‘Why? I think she can handle it. Plus, it’s in final stage, right? She just need to supervise it.’ Jiyong replies, glancing at me for a while before having his concentration back on the road.

I argue nothing anyways. Plus, it might be a good thing for me. I don’t think I can handle myself if I were to stay at the villa until the project is finished. There’re too many memories there, sweet yet painful.

‘Have you inform her, Seeda?’ Jiyong asks the third person in the car by looking at her using the inside mirror.

‘Nae. She’ll be here tomorrow morning.’ Seeda, Jiyong’s secretary answers.

~~~

‘Just stay here, Ji. I’ll tidy things up with unni. Besides, my stuffs aren’t too many.’ I say as Jiyong want to follow me upstairs. No, he can’t enter my room or else he’ll see my drawing of …him.

‘I just wanna help you, baby.’ Jiyong replies, caressing my shoulder.

‘just…just…help me packing my things in the studio, will you?’

‘if you say so.’ He smiles happily before taking different way from unni and me.

‘wooaaahh!!’

Unni’s mouth is wide open when she sees my bedroom and the view from the balcony. I smile looking at her reaction. I gotta admit that this villa is freaking cool and I’m lucky enough to get to stay here. Letting unni preoccupied herself with the beauty of the Jeju beach at the balcony, I rest myself on the bed to relieve the tension on my foot.

‘hyeri…’ Unni’s call makes me turn my head toward her direction.

‘what is it?’ I ask frankly before I realise she’s looking at my canvas at the end of the balcony. !

‘is he…TOP?’ she asks, pointing at my exposed canvas.

Seeda’s question makes me anxious enough to even answer her but I know I can’t escape from telling her the truth.

I nod weakly.

‘OH MY FREAKIN GOD!’ she shrieks while running towards me to sit beside me.

‘Why did you draw him? Do you like him too, I mean, as a fan? Can you give me one of those? God, it’s so beautiful! Almost real.’

Tons of questions escape her lips and I don’t know where to begin to answer. One thing I’m sure about, she can’t have any of those. That’s not hers.

‘Unni…could you please..keep this secret from anyone else? Especially Jiyong…’ I start slowly, noticing her expression carefully.

‘wae?’ she asks, looking confused while furrowing her brows. ‘wait! Did you…’ she trails off when she seems to realise something.

‘unni…promise me first.’ I ask her words firmly.

‘Alright. I promise. What is it?’ she asks in such a rush because of excitement while grabbing my hands.

I sigh heavily, calculating where to begin. ‘we’re used to be in relationship.’

Seeda looks at me in disbelief. She even laughs at me, thinking I’m joking. Then, without a choice, I tell her everything about us, about Seunghyun.

Unni drops some tears listening to my story, but I manage to shed none. My stone cold heart doesn’t allow me to cry in front of unni but my heart is bleeding badly inside. Unni seems to understand my situation when she hugs me dramatically when I finish it. It was when I tell her that I need her help.

‘Unni.. I’m sorry… but could you please help me sending all those drawing to him?’

‘You mean to TOP?’ she asks in her sobbing. I hand him some tissue where she takes it gladly.

‘yeap. Would you?’ I request unsurely.

‘hell yeah I would help, Hyeri. It’s my only chance to meet him.’

I chuckle at her jokingly answer. I know she’s one of the biggest fan of Choi Seunghyun or TOP but helping me is her only purpose.

‘thanks unni. I’ll give you his company’s address but I need to write something for him.’ I explain softly while taking a piece of A4 paper from the drawer beside the bed.

To: 최승현

I’m giving you this drawings as my final gift in a hope they would remind you that there’s someone out there used to love you more than her own life. I don’t know the reason you left, but I’m glad you choose your life over me. At least, this pain tells me that you’re real. Besides, I don’t have to see you suffers because of me. I don’t want my bad luck casts upon you, so you should live happily.

Choi Seunghyun, I won’t come back to the house. You can stay there until our contract is over and I promise I won’t appear in front of you anymore. Just promise me you would stay safe and sound. Keep your beautiful music beats the silence, so that you could help me continue living just by hearing your voice.

I love you and I will be always be. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you in any way possible. Please forgive me.

Je t’aime plus que ma propre vie

혜리

I fold the paper in a triangle shape before handing it to Seeda unni. She looks at me with watery eyes, maybe she’s feeling bad at my dramatic kinda movie type of life. I smile half-heartedly at her before turning my head from her. I bite my lips a bit hard to distract myself from being overtaken by the sadness and grief as I know too well that everything about Seunghyun will become a mere history from my life.

Seunghyun that I care.

Seunghyun that I love.

Seunghyun that I desire.

‘unni… I’m going to take a bath.’

‘do you want me to help you?’ Seeda offers me her help which I decline it without a second thought.

‘are you sure you would be okay? Jiyong would be mad if…’

‘I’ll be okay.’ I snap with a stern voice without looking at unni. I feel bad to behave like this but I can’t hold myself any longer. I need to be alone right now and I don’t want anyone to look at my tears and my miserable self.

I walk carefully by the help of the clutches towards the bathroom and disappeared behind the door.

In the bathroom, I take off my clothes and toss them on the toilet seat, then sit myself on the seat that connected with the wall. I stare at myself, , in the mirror in front of me. I finger the bruises of love bites that still faintly visible on my and my cleavage. I close my eyes and touch my lips and my neck, feeling the imaginary kisses that Seunghyun’s trailed on them. The feeling is wonderful but it crushes down to the earth the second I open my eyes, staring at my reflection which is staring at me back in a creepy way. All of my ribs have stood out, and dark circles beneath my eyes give my face a hollowed-look.

I am engulfed by a wave of sadness mixed with excruciating pain as I recall the way Seunghyun would call for me when he walks through my house upon his return. He would call my name with his y and deep voice that I would never get boring with. He would hug me tightly to lighten his miss towards me. He would kiss me deeply and passionately to express how much he loves me. He would kiss me goodnight and take me in his arms when he wants to sleep. I love you, baby.

With the scissors that I snatch from the sink nearby, I begin to chop savagely at my hair. Five inches of black wavy hair fall into the floor.

I love your hair….long..soft.. beautiful… don’t cut it, okay baby?’

His sweet voice echoes in my head, reminding me how much he loves my hair. His request somehow makes me feel worst and enraged! I seize for another chunk, using my fingers to pull it at tight, telling myself to measure properly and snip. My chest feels constricted and tight.

‘I hate you!’ I hiss, my voice trembling. 
‘You lie to me! You told me you would never leave me!’ I lop off more hair, my eyes flooding with pain-fuelled tears. 
‘You leave me just because I ask you to marry me!’ More hair gone. I try to slow down, even out the ends. ‘You left me while I sleep! You told me you love me too much! You lie!’

I am shaking now, my hands unsteady. Uneven lengths of hair gather at my feet. ‘You make me sprain my ankle! I waited for you! You make me almost died of dehydration! You make me believe that you would return!’

I snap the scissors again. ‘I love you!’ I sob.
‘You promised you won’t leave me and I believed you and fell asleep!’ I cut and cry, and when my hair is all the same length, I pull off the scissors from my fingers and toss it together with my clothes. I look at myself again in the mirror and sob uncontrollably while the water from the shower hits me.
‘You don’t have to leave me. I could have gone with you and waited if you asked me.’ I clean off some hair that stick on my body.
‘I love you more than everything else in this world. How could you leave me… how could you Choi Seunghyun…’

My heart cripple by the veins that keep on twisted of invisible knots. Seunghyun has cut through me and I keep bleeding on and on. No matter how much I act strong and want to forget him, I realise it is impossible. I have loved him too much than I expected. Then how can I forget him when he already become one with my heart and soul?

I keep on reminding myself that our love is over but my heart doesn’t seem to cooperate well with me. I know that his love has left me crushed on the ground and I know I would wake up lonely after this. There’s loneliness and sorrow filled the air in the bathroom. I have lost Seunghyun’s love.

The moments when I first met him till he held me close for the last time in his arms, they hurts me so much my head goes numb.

I shake my head to get rid of them all from coming haunting me. You have left me.

Carefully, I dress in stretchable shorts jeans and a sweater and stare at myself. A short-haired stranger look back at me.

Annyeong, Choi Seunghyun….

~~~

‘Is there anything else, Hyeri?’ Jiyong asks me while loading my bags and stuffs in the trunk.

I shake my head and give him a forceful smile.

‘alrighty then.’ He says while coming closer to me and his secretary. ‘I think that’s all Seeda. Take care. See you in Seoul.’

Seeda is going to stay at the villa until Chaerin’s arrival tomorrow. She hugs me tightly and looks at me with pity in her eyes and I hate it.  We bid her goodbye before setting off.

~~~

‘why did you cut your hair?’ Jiyong asks me when we are on our way to the airport.

I know that my action is a bit reckless and he knows how I love my hair. I have been expecting this question from him but I have no desire to tell him any truth.

‘no reason… it’s just…more comfortable this way. It’s difficult to handle my long hair. I barely handle my leg.’

He laughs like a sweet teenage boy which I secretly roll my eyes. ‘I love it. It’s beautiful.’ He pauses for a while before continuing, ‘So, how are you going to live alone at your house?’

Oh bloody hell. My freaking house, why on earth don’t I think about that. I can’t and I don’t wanna go home anymore. I’ve promised...him not to appear in front of him again so I won’t go there. Besides, I don’t know I can even look at him before suiciding myself first.

‘I don’t wanna live there anymore, Ji. I’m scared.’ Yeap, scared the only word I can think of to avoid Jiyong from getting suspicious.

‘scared?’ Jiyong asks me, observing my expression for a while.

‘hurmm.. I’m afraid of being alone.’

‘owhh.. Then, you want to stay at your parents’ house?’

! My parents’ house? I would rather end up staying with beggar under the bridge than staying with them. To be specific-my ‘mom’ster!

‘can’t I just stay with you?’ I ask him without any emotion.

‘what?!’

‘what? We’re going to marry soon. So, who cares if I live with you?’ I don’t care about myself anymore, so why would I care about others? To tell the truth, I don’t care about anything anymore. My life is pretty much destroyed in ashes the moment Seunghyun steps out from my life.

‘I don’t mind but… are you sure about it? I don’t know if I can handle myself with you around.’

I hit his arms when I get his meaning. ‘It’s not like I want to sleep the same bed with you!’

‘why not? We’re going to marry anyway.’

Wow. Bummer. He ends up ‘quoting’ my own statement to fire me back. Still, to think about it, it’s going to happen no matter what. I know I can’t avoid this forever. I sigh silently in hope that I could at least lift some burden in my shoulder.

‘Anyway, we should drop by at your house to pick up your clothes.’

Seriously Ji, can we just S T O P talking about going to my house? I seriously feel like whacking his head but I realise I won’t do any good. ‘Can’t I just wear yours?’

‘wait, what? Did I mishear it?’ He asks me in a surprised tone.

I turn to face him and say in a very sarcastic way. ‘tsk! You’re asking me to share a bed with you and now that I want to share your clothes, you act surprised! Wow! Kwon Jiyong should be nominated for the best two-face!’

He laughs heartily upon my reaction. ‘It’s not what I mean. I don’t have any woman’s under……’

‘Yahhh! KWON JIYONG!!’ I snap before he could continue what his dirty mind has been thinking right now. ‘I have mine already. Pfftt! You are such a ert. Scratch the idea that I’m staying at your house. Just drop me at any hotel.’

‘just joking. I’m too excited.’ He takes my left handand caresses it when he notices I’m getting pissed off over his irrelevant joke.

‘I love you…’

I sigh when I hear those words coming from Jiyong’s mouth. I don’t know whether I should be excited or happy but one thing for sure, I don’t wanna hear that three magic words from anyone else except for Seunghyun even though I am well aware he won’t say those words any longer.

I'm so ing tired becoz of this ing workshop. i'm so mad. i'm cold. i'm tired. i feel like killing everybody off.
btw, i wrote some of this fic when i had to hear them talking nonsense and some when i was in my room. so, there might be some off about this writing. I'm sorry and please forgive my flaw. *sobs*

lots of you are searching for TOP from double B, right? 
Stay tuned, his turn is next. 
Let's wait where and why does TOP leave.

bye bye. i love you.
i'm going to headbang and jump from a cliff now. -.-'