Hi guys.
First and foremost,, i'm so so sorry for lying and screwing up. i'm not intended to.. i'm so sorry :'( :'( :'(
i know i've promised to update on the 1st Jan but it's already 3rd now. I'm so sorry. You guys might probably have some negative impression of me, and i'm sorry i can't help it. :'(
My department organized a party to celeb new year at my senior's house and i was required to decorate and ran some errands for them. I hate it, but seniority is highly emphasized here. :/:/
My lecturing is starting soon and i need to enroll earlier as my prof asked me to attend this bull workshop-thanks to my brain -.-' . So, i might not be able to update much after this. I'm so sorry, but i'll try my best to find my time to feed you guys with this story. Please, understand me... :'( :'( :'(
I'm sorry if you found this chap is a piece of trash as i'm really in serious badmood because of what happened and now, i knew that GD dated in LA. -.- 
Please forgive me guys. My life is a wrecking balls and i'm a poop. :'(:'(:'9

Am I in hell? Am I being punished again?

It is too hot in here. It feels like thousands of sun above me. My eyes are so sting as if volcano is being poured on them. God please… if you really exist, please...please don’t let me die yet… I need to find Seunghyun. I need to see Seunghyun. I need to touch Seunghyun again. Please… don’t let me die yet. Just..just punish me. Just torture me as long as you want…I just want to wake up and see Seunghyun beside me again. I want Seunghyun to be in my arms again… please god. Please…

With my all will, I try to open my eyes, hoping to see my love beside me. The glaring and hot light keeps burning my eyes, adding my difficulties. No! I can’t give up. I need to open my eyes and get out from this hellish light. I need to be strong!

Slowly, my eyes start to open and blurry images welcome me. Slowly, the body starts to feel a sickening throbbing on my ankle, soreness on my face and numbness all around my torso. I smile weakly when I feel I have come back to my sense.

I try my hardest to clear the images in front of my eyes by blinking. Soon, it becomes clearer and my questions are answered by the images that come into my sight. The white fence, the green grass, the sound of the waves, the lines of the flowerpots….it’s my villa.

I’m alive!

I’m still alive!!

I’m not dead yet!

I come to learn that I’ve passed out in front of the house, on the bed of grass. The piercing hot light is the sun, so, it might be afternoon now. Slowly, I try to wake up. The sickness I had yesterday becomes worst and I could see how terrible I look by the reflection of the glass door in front of me. My hair is a mess, my eyes look swollen, and there’s a bruise at the end of my lips. I don’t know what had happened to me and i can’t tell how awful I feel right now. I look at my right foot, it has swollen like a size of baby elephant’s foot, big and bluish. I must have sprained my ankle so bad that I can’t feel my foot anymore. damnit!

Even so, I try to stand up to enter the villa but it isn’t long till I fall back into the grass. I’m too weak, the pain eats my energy, I can’t stand too long, not to mention impossible to stand and walk with one foot.

But then, I can’t stay here forever, I need to get myself alright to find…him. The thought of him suddenly makes a sudden rush of sadness and pain fallen onto my heart.

‘Seunghyun…’ I call his name in my heart. My eyes start watery again. How could he…..

With the despair gripped hold my heart, I drag myself into the villa half-heartedly, still dumbfounded about what has happened. I still can’t believe that man has left me without a single word. ! If he really wants to go, at least, tell me goodbye you ing balls! I am mad, upset, despair of him but I can’t lie of loving him, desperate for him.

Feeling that my last energy has been totally spared, I collapse myself on the wooden floor just after I succeed dragging myself to the middle of the hallway.

‘Seunghyun…’ I call out weakly.

In the eerie quiet, I am able to hear my own short breathing, my own pitiful sobbing. Seunghyun would never come back again. He has left me for good. He chooses his life without me. My heart suddenly feels as if it is going to explode. The pain and hurt invade my heart and every single cells in my body. The truth is bitter, too bitter to be swallowed.

What is the meaning of my life without Seunghyun?

God,, why are you so cruel towards me?? WHY??? WHHYYY???!!!

You take my sister, you steal my mother’s love from me, and now,, YOU ING TAKE SEUNGHYUN AWAY FROM MY LIFE???

Is this your punishment to me??? Why is your torture too painful for me? What did I do wrong in my life, or my previous life that you need to take all the people I love from me?

I’m asking you to live again just to see Seunghyun and Seunghyun only. I do not ask for this.

God, I need more time with him. I need him to listen when I whine. I need him to forgive me when I make mistakes. I need him to lend me his shoulder when I cry. I need him to support me when I’m down. I need him to bring laughter when I’m sad. I need him to stay by my side as I’m getting older. I need him to love me the way he had all this time. I need all of it forever, and I know you wouldn’t allow it to happen.

God, why do you hate me? Just like my mother…

Am I too disgraceful for you?

Why do you betray my trust on you, I thought you are the only person who can help me?

You are my last resort yet you are my last destructor too. I’m losing all hope by now.

I look around the villa but every sight is accompanied by my own sadness and wretchedness. I look at the kitchen. The image of Seunghyun eating my cooking crushes my heart. I switch my sight at the living room. It was just last night we… we make love there. The image of him hugging and kissing me is still fresh before my eyes, making my heart shattered. I turn to lock my vision on the front door. The image of him holding my hand when stepped up for the first time here, it destroys my soul. Every laughing, every smiling, every words that coming from Seunghyun, rings endlessly in my ears and I refuse to forget them. I love you Seunghyun…too much it kills me.

I feel like my rough sobbing doesn’t accompany by any tears anymore. I’m too tired right now. The nauseating pain in my ankle and mouth makes me go beyond numb. I could only lay motionlessly on the floor, crying non-tears. It’s too painful now. I can’t bear it anymore. I give up, God. You win. I lose. You are the most powerful. I am the weakest. I have no power against you…

If this what you decide for me, it’s okay… I’ll accept it, God.

I’ll do whatever you want. After all, I always obey whatever you choose on me.

You and mommy, have always set my life a living hell. Then, why would I yet complain?

Seunghyun and I, we are only a joke for you. We would never be together. I should have known. I should have known that happiness would never across on my path yet I still hope for it.

Still, I’m grateful as you are still giving me a chance to live. At a very least, I still could see Seunghyun from far. I still can hear his voice on radio or tv. I might even meet him again in my dream.

Yes…it would be enough for me. It’s enough for me to live again.

 I’ll be living on memories again, just like before.

I’ll be living on unni memories, omma’s love memories and now… Seunghyun’s memories…

I am alone anyway, I am always alone…

There’s no one and everything brings nothing to me…

I’m too tired now. I’ve lost to God. I shall not complain about my life anymore. I just want to sleep and forget all these. I have no energy left. Every second brings me pain. I’m exhausted just by breathing. I bring my legs to my chest, hugging them like a scared twelve years old girl.

I close my eyes slowly…trying to swirl my mind into dream.

In no time, I finally sleep and chase the pain away from hurting me any longer.

*****

‘Hyeri…’ A faint sound shakes my eardrum, waking me up from a long sleep.

Who is he? Who is calling me? Is he Seunghyun? It’s a man’s voice.

‘Hyeri…’

the voice is calling me again. There’s no other man that enter my mind at that time except for Seunghyun. He’s the only one who know I’m sick, I’m waiting for him. He must have come back, isn’t he? He doesn’t leave me, he just… just leaves for a while. He comes back again for me. For a second, that is what I believe and there’s nothing that can make me happier than the thought of him coming back.

‘eunngg huunn..’ I call for the caller’s name and smile. After all, God is still have pity on me, he let Seunghyun coming back to my side.

A sudden warmth spreads through my hand across my heart makes me mentally jump. Seunghyun is real this time and I am no dreaming. His warm hand proves that.

‘enng huung…’ I call out for my lover’s name again. I smile for the second time. He’s not leaving me. He has awaited for me.

‘hyeri..are you awake now?’

Holy . This is real.

I try to open my eyes. I feels so strange as if I’ve already forget how to open them. I certainly sure that I’ve been out for several days, judging by the pain in my foot and all over my body has finally disappeared.

But, my anticipation of seeing a tall, black haired man is crushed down to the earth when a man with a blond hair greets me happily with a wide smile. The smile I had on my face swiftly disappeared and I feel so disappointed as if I have stepped into something that I can’t scrape it off my shoes.

No. He’s not Seunghyun. He is nothing like Seunghyun. I feel like my currently recovered heart is shattered one more. Damn, I should not have any hope for it. It’s not him. It’s not Seunghyun.

‘Jiyong...’ I mumble out the name of the man, disappointingly.

He, on the other hand, gives me a satisfying smile when he hear me calling out his name.

‘finally…’ he lets out an explosive sigh before continuing, ‘yahh! I’m dead worried about you, bad girl!’ He looks at me with a concern and relieve looks, but neither of them shake my heart anymore.                               

‘what’s happened?’ I ask him uninterestedly, just to distract him from seeing the disappointment I had just now.

 ‘you don’t remember?’ he scratches his head with a frown.          ‘you’re out for four days already of Dehydration. You didn’t go to the office nor the site. So, the chief project tried to call you many times but you didn’t answer. He thought you had come back to Seoul and he called me to confirm that. I felt something bad happened to you because you would definitely call me if you’re in Seoul. So, I went to check up on you at your villa and I found you unconscious in your hallway.’ Jiyong pauses and eyes me with suspicious.

‘your condition was terrible. Did something happen?’ He adds.

I feel into silence and throw my view outside the window. Did something happen? I repeat Jiyong’s question in my mind. Something hell has happened… I answer it silently in my head.

This is it. This is God’s final answer to all my prayer and hope. Seunghyun is no more. My life has been damned in His hand. I can’t help from feeling sad, upset, heartbroken, disappointed, mad, and they make my world turned dark already. I can’t foresee any bright side in my future anymore. As much as I hate my life now, I learn that nothing does matter to me anymore. I feel so sad but I am not crying. I feel so mad but I am not throwing any tantrum. I feel so disappointed but I do nothing. Nothing. My heart, mind, soul feel nothing and blank and so dark I don’t even care about anything anymore.

From this moment, I realize that I am more like a string puppet rather than a human. A wooden and string puppet plays by God that has no feeling anymore.

I turn my gaze to Jiyong and force out a smile. I know I look almost plastic, but this is all I can do right now. I’m going to be a pawn in God’s chessboard. I’m going to do what people have expected me to do without caring or thinking about myself.

‘Ji…’ I swallow, the temptation of destroying my own life begun to take over my mind and soul.

‘what is it?’ he asks me, playing his fingers between mine.

‘let’s marry.’