sorry guys. i'm so lazy right now. next chap will be posted soon. :(

‘please don’t leave me Seunghyun.. please…’

Her voice becomes a dragger that stabs my heart brutally. She sobs to her heart content in my chest, and it absolutely hurts me, leaving me scarred when I have to see her like that. Being with her, not a single moment I haven’t regretted what I’ve said to her this evening.

Her blistering hand underneath my skin, it holds me like I am the most important thing in her life. Her burning breathe slays my chest even though I’ve wear a thick t-shirt. Nothing can make me feel sicker than this.

Helplessly, I part from her just to hear my heart breaking again, looking at her swollen and red face and eyes. Her lovely eyes have turned into puffed-up orbs that I barely recognized them anymore. Her nose is as red as the Santa’s reindeer. Her pale lips have turned red-bluish and bloated because of her hard weeps and the wound.

Heartbrokenly, I draw myself closer to her lips and crash mine against her. Her lips are still warm, and addicting and soft, just like the way I remember it. Her touch tells me how much she loves me and wants me to be one part of my life. There’s no way I could even let this woman slipped from my life, she’s too precious to be wasted like this. I love her. She loves me and I would do anything in my power to protect us.

I part her lips and brings her lifeless body into my embrace. I tell her softly, ‘just sleep baby…you’re so weak.’

‘I love you, Seunghyun…so much.,’ she claims in a slow but audible voice.

‘I love you too Hyeri… too much.’

‘Don’t leave me alone anymore, my love.’

‘Never in your wildest dream, baby…’

I hug her tightly in my arms, mentally telling her how much I love and want her in my life. She just flings her right arm limply over my waist and close her eyes. In no time, she’s already fallen asleep, her breathing becomes stable but hard.

I stay with her for an hour, embracing and caressing her hair. She sleeps soundlessly in my arms, looking both tired and sick. For some time, I have been thinking about what I should do to repair the mess I’ve made. I should set this right. There’s only one solution that seems right in my mid. Although half of my mind rejects the ideas, but my heart seems to agree with it.

I need to give up my career.

The world won’t agree with me. They’ll fight me to death if they could. But, it’s the only way that makes sense to me. I don’t see any other solutions to deal with this. As long as I’m a celebrity, our lives will be played by the whole world hands. Never mind the happiness, only curse and hate will fall upon Hyeri’s life. Her life has been hard enough and I don’t want to add any burden on her shoulder anymore.

They can hate me, I don’t mind. I won’t bother even. I have earn enough for my next life. I can just open a restaurant, become an underground producer at YG if only Hyunsuk hyung still wants me, work under Hyeri to design some furniture or I’ll just be a house-husband. We can build a simple life with a complete family where she wakes up early for work and I’ll wait for her at home. I’ll take care of our children and she can cook for us. Simple but happy life. Yes, I want it that way. She would have like it that way too.

Carefully, I slip my arm under her head and put it on the pillow. I kiss her forehead lovingly and have a quick peck on her lips before getting off from the bed. Fishing the phone from my jeans pocket, I call my manager.

‘hyung!’

‘Tabi-yah! Are you mad? Why are you calling me at 4 in the morning?’ Byunghyun hyung sounds sleepy, furious and irritated at the same time.

Ignoring his feeling, I continue, ‘hyung-ah. Sorry, but I need your help.’

‘What now?’

‘We need to go fly back to Seoul right now.’

*********

The cold morning breeze greets me when I enter the YG headquarter. It’s 9 in the morning and the noise of busy people buzzing in my ears. Several of them greets me happily and I just nod in rush. Disappearing into the elevator, I hit the highest button heading to YG CEO’s office. People go in and out along the way. Some tries to strike a conversation with me but I cut them off quickly by hitting the screen of my iPhone randomly. After several minutes of tension, I finally make my way out from the elevator. Hyesang, the CEO’s secretary seems to be busy by writing something on her paperwork.

 I fake a cough that gains her attention. She smiles before I ask her.  ‘Hyesang, where’s Yang sajangnim? I need to see him now.’

‘he’s not here, Seunghyun-sshi. He’s going to LA with Teddy.’ She answers clearly without referring to her note.

‘LA? Where are they headed to?’ I ask again.

‘I don’t know, Yang sajangnim didn’t tell me the details but it has something to do with celebrating Taebin’s birthday.’

‘Arasso. Thank you Hyesang-ah.’ I nod in understanding and walk to the elevator again. Taehin hyung is an ex-member of 1TYM and he lives in LA after disbanding. I know Yang CEO too much after 10 years working with him, he will spend at least three days with Teddy hyung there. I know I have no choice. I need to go to LA now.

*********

‘Hyung, I’m going to LA now.’ I tell Byungyung hyung who is eating his ramen on my office. He looks startled at my statement, almost choking the ramen and he quickly drinks the mineral water to soothe his pain behind his throat.

‘What?’ He asks, his face has turned red. ‘Listen Seunghyun-ah! You don’t have to do this.’

There’s seriousness on his face and his tone. I know he’s going to fight me over my decision and the big man always wins. However, I’m not going to let him cut me through.

‘Yes. I have to do this.’ I say firmly, sending strong gaze to him.

He puts down his ramen cup and brings his hands behind his back. He’s getting annoyed of my attitude and without any warning, he shouts at me. ‘No! You’re not thinking clearly. You’re in rush!’

His loud voice thunders inside the office, making me alarmed but I am not losing to him. This is my life and Hyeri’s is at stake. My heart feel like bursting the moment I remember Hyeri’s face last night. I promise I would fix back what I’ve done to her but hyung’s refusal somehow adds my surfer. It ing hurts me now.

‘I’m ing lose her, hyung!’ I shout back, feeling raged and terrified. ‘And I’m already losing her now. I don’t even need my life if she isn’t in it!’

My emotions begin to control my body and tears start to fall down. I’m feeling so helplessness right now. Why doesn’t he at least try to understand me? This is not easy for me too. I’m ing giving up my career for the woman that I love. Can’t he feel the fear I have if I lose her? Every second is too previous for me and Hyeri, and now, Yang sajangnim is not in Korea. For all the days, he has to be in Los Angeles right now. I couldn’t even tell my family about my decision, they will try to make me ‘see sense’ just like hyung right now. Why can’t anyone consider what I feel at this moment? I’m losing her and I’m afraid I won’t be able to touch her again or even hear her voice.

The fear of losing her makes my legs goes jelly and I fall on my knees on the floor at the corner of the room. My hands sink desperately in my hair, sometimes grabbing them to get rid the hurt I felt in my heart. Silence falls inside the office, there’s only my sobbing filled the air.

‘do you love her that much?’ Hyung’s voice finally strikes my hearing.

I look at him with teary eyes. ‘More than my own life.’

‘then, I’ll help you.’

********

After packing up several clothes into my backpack, Byungyung hyung and I set off for the airport. He books my ticket online and the fastest ticket available is for another 2 hours. To kill time, he brings me to a restaurant near the airport, but I have no appetite to eat. I basically watch him eating his food while I gulp down a glass of Americano. One hour later, we head to the airport.

I stand in the slow-moving line and wait until hyung comes back from the counter. He passes me the ticket and we bid our goodbye short. Then, I show my identification and answer the basic security questions before being handed my boarding pass. Once I land in Los Angeles and pick up the taxi, I would have another thirty minutes on the road. Assuming there aren’t any delay. I would be meeting Hyunsuk hyung by late evening. Quick trip, in and out. I’d do what I have to do and don’t plan on hanging around any longer than I have to. LA might be a nice city but I got an urgent business there.

On the airplane, I settle into the flight. I have a window seat about halfway back, next to a young woman; blonde, early twenties, long-limbed, and tall. Not exactly my type, but pretty enough. She leans into me as she searches for her seat belt and smiles in apology.

I nod, but sensing that she is about to strike up a conversation, I stare out the window. I watch the luggage cart pull away from the aircraft, drifting as I often did into distant memories of Hyeri. I picture the times we spent time, reading together in our living room. She would lean her body against my side, sometime we brushed up against each other; or how we used to stay up together while I need to write a new song. She would sit on the floor, her arms wrapped around her drawn-up knees, making me think that I want nothing more than to see her sitting just like that forever.

We argue as well, and then I catch a glimpse of her fiery nature. Our disagreement weren’t constant, but we weren’t infrequent, either; remarkably, no matter how quickly things flared up, we almost ended equally fast. Sometimes it was about little things- she would get jealous if I took an intimate picture with another woman and it spread widely on the media or when there was rumour about me and my colleague spiced out. Hyeri was nothing if not opinionated, and we would bicker furiously for a while, usually without any sort of resolution. Even in those instance where I became truly frustrated, I couldn’t help admiring her honesty, and honesty rooted in the fact that she cared more about me.

Thinking about her, I totally forget to tell her that I am leaving to LA. She is still sleeping when I leave her this morning and I don’t even text a single message when I am at hyung’s place. There are too many things that going in my mind not to mention how bad I feel to leave her alone at the first place. I take out my phone from my pocket and begin to text her. In the middle of the message, I am caught and required by the stewardess to switch off my phone. Having no choice, I do what I was told and continue drifting off until I am fallen asleep.

After landing in LAX, I fling my bag and sweater over my shoulder and walk through the terminal, barely registering the activity around me as I sift through memories with Hyeri and the need to meet Hyunsuk hyung right now.

It is in the taxi when I realise my iPhone isn’t in my pocket. I rummage through my bag in case I misplace it there but it isn’t. Damn. Coming to LA is simply a waste of time if I weren’t able to contact and find Hyunsuk hyung and my phone is the only way to contact him. I don’t even remember anyone’s number except for my mom. Biting my fingernail in nervousness, I ask the taxi driver to drop me at the nearest hotel.

Twenty minutes later, I find myself settling in a room at Dorrel Hotel. The first thing I did is to call my mother. Unfortunately, she doesn’t pick up the phone. I call her again for second, third and countless times and the result is still the same. I slam myself in frustration on the bed and put my hand against my forehead. Only then I realize the time difference between LA and Seoul. Omma is supposed to be sleeping by now and it is stupid to call her at this time. Until I place my head on the pillow, I haven’t realised how tired I am. Within few minutes, the drowsiness has taken my right mind and force me to swim into a dream.