aaaaa~~ sobs! sobs! T.T

I recommend you read this with Haru Haru acoustic version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_o85rUb-jk. Try it.

or maybe you could listen to EXO- miracles in december http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvpvYr2Ju7I. T.T 

By late November, the trees lined up the streets in Seoul that have been ablaze with colour in the autumn are all frozen and covered in white blanket of snow. The temperature has begun to creep up and the surrounding began to smell like ice and unmoving. Four weeks of waiting, yet Hyeri’s shadow never appears in the house or anywhere else in Seoul. She disappears in the thin air like a magic. Her phone number has been changed and I am left with nothing to find her. Hyeri is gone, but I still wait for her in the house, praying that she will miraculously turn up one day. I couldn’t help but to hope and pray. As I walk the streets of Seoul and see the glint of woman’s long black wavy hair, I could feel my heart catch in my throat. I would watch for the delicate nose and curvy body shaped and 163 cm tall, in a hope that it's her but it's not. Hopeless, I feel and become.

I have to go back to work, furious that she has gone because of my stupidity. But whenever I have my day off, I would fly to Jeju to her previous villa, but the problem was still the same. She’s not there and there’s another girl that live there. I don’t know other way around to deal with this. One thing I know, I hate myself more than before and I am desperate to know her well-being.

Two more vodka go down my throat and another half hour passes. By then, I am in rage, disappointment, hurt, confused and whatever that are coagulating in my heart and I punch the kitchen wall hard, bleeding my knuckle. I storm from the kitchen to her bedroom, seizing her picture in a beautiful white and black frame on her bookshelf.

After another vodka, I cry myself to sleep. In the morning, when I wake up, I am miserable again, as Hyeri is nowhere in my sight. Breathing hard, I pick up the phone that has been ringing for several times, knowing it must be my manager who is trying to keep myself ‘in order’.

‘What?’ My voice sounds cold and uninviting.

‘I’ll arrive in 15 minutes.’ The person on the other side sounds more like commanding than telling.

‘I’m not going anywhere, hyung.’

‘I don’t care. Either you want to come out willingly or forcedly. I’ll hang up.’

Tutt…tutt…

Urghh.. that pig really hang up the phone. I grunt while sit up, feeling irritated about everything, including the headache due to the vodka. Damn, I don’t realise someone has been playing heavy beats inside my head. I bring my knees to my chest and put my head in between. Several wasted minutes pass, I know I have no choice except to get up and ready for work. I drag my lifeless body out of bed and walk like a lifeless zombie to the shower.

I wonder alone into the YG main headquarter, covering my eyes with a pair of dark sunglasses, leaving my manager behind while he parks the car. I walk up to the reception desk and realise that the receptionist is having chaos with one woman-fan perhaps. Typical! This situation is none alien to me or other idols inside this building and seems that I’m not in a mood to give a , so I walk out like I have seen nothing to the elevator. The voice of the mad woman and annoyed receptionist echo in the lower level and it makes me wonder why the hell is the evaluator took forever to reach me.

Waiting is an and finally, the evaluator is here. I am in the middle of getting in but my action is disturbed when I hear hyung’s voice calling up for me. I glance and see him waving, instructing me to be presented beside him in the middle of the chaos. This is not really happening, isn’t it? Even though they are arguing because of me, why the do I need to be there? Seriously, is someone playing a sick joke on me? I’m seriously not in the mood of meeting any human being, now to get involved in this ‘pleasant’ event, I mentally myself with a baseball bat. Either so, I still walk to them unwillingly.

‘What is it,hyung?’ I say with a bored voice to my manager and the two ladies turn bitterly at me of my cold greeting. I could see from the corner of my eye that the stranger wears an annoying smirk on her face.

‘what is it?’ the woman imitates me and cluck her tongue before jerking my shoulder. Manager hyung quickly stops her before she could launch her raging hormone on me. From the fire of her eyes, I am sure she would beat me to death if she could.

‘HUH! I always know a celebrity is a jerk but you are just a dumb , Seunghyun-sshi!’ She curses in a unbelievably horrifying voice, making me to look at her. ‘WHAT IS IT??!’ she shouts again, ‘is that all you can say after leaving my friend all alone??!’

Friend? Which friend? Urgh, I’m so sick of everybody wants to be friend with TOP. I rub my temple to get rid the annoyance. Before I could stop her from ricochet me with her words, she already fires her bullets against me.

‘You know what? You just lost one loyal fan!’ she points her forefinger against my chest. Then, she continues, ‘Huh! I’m in riddle why I would even like you at the first place! If I know you are just a , I would not even bother looking at you! I wonder what Hyeri looked into you!!’ she scowls fiercely at me.

Her words somehow are at halt in my head at the mentioned of ‘Hyeri’ and my mind becomes frozen when I hear that name. I thought I am hearing it wrong but she proves me wrong.

‘Take this with you and don’t you ever, EVER, appear in front of her eyes again!!’ The furious woman crash a big, rectangular wrapping package in front of me which it bull-eyes on my left feet and falls before me. The wrapping on the above part is torn because of her firm grip.  

I could hear the sound of her loud high-heels leaving me, but my eyes have transfixed at the writing ‘que ma pr…’ peeping from the torn wrapping. Although the writing is not completed, I somehow know the rest of it and I know whose handwriting was that. I sit to unwrap the package, tearing the wrapping messily, exposing the content.

I gasp. The drawings… It’s the drawings! I observe the three painting closely, making sure they are Hyeri’s and they are indeed. The last drawing is unfinished, exactly just like the last time I saw it. I don’t know how long I lost looking at them, but I come back to right mind when my manager hyung taps my shoulder and hands a triangle folded paper. Hesitated, I take it from his hand.

I have an idea whose letter is this but I am not sure whether I am ready to know the content. I take my own time to unfold the paper and after taking a long breathe, I begin to read it.

My tears fall one by one on the paper decorated by her handwriting. My love… I sob my heart out in front of the reception desk, not bothering if the receptionist looks weirdly at me. I don’t mind people look at me as they pass by. I don’t care if they whisper behind my back, watching invulnerable T.O.P crying like a mental on the floor. I don’t give a single damn to them. All I care about now is Hyeri. Now I know why she didn’t come back to the house anymore. Now I understand why she disappeared. She thought that I left her. She thought that I won’t come back by her side. Oh God! She misunderstood everything. I need to find her and explain the real situation.

‘Hyung!’ I call out for my manager with tears blinding my sight.

‘what has happened, Seunghyun? Yah! Control yourself! People are watching.’

‘ them!’ I shout out loud. ‘we need to find her, hyung! She misunderstood me, hyung! She thought I left her, hyung!’ I grab his collar while my tears roll down my cheeks shamelessly.

‘arasso.’ He replies but his eyes are wildly observing the surrounding. ‘let’s talk in the van.’

My manager picks me up from the floor and leads me to the van. I am too confused about this situation and all I could think of is her letter. Her words dance inside my brain, pounding madly. All this just makes sense to me. I thought she just needs her time to think and I believe one day she would return back to me, or at least, to the house. Never in my wildest dream that her action of changing her number, not coming home and disappearing from my life is an act of her making my life easier. Is she crazy? Is she doubting me loving her all my heart?

I feel the ache inside grow more poisonous and all consuming, spreading like a cancer every second. She could be anywhere, and the thought that she is gone torments me. My heart aches and I am filled with despair. I can feel like I am losing my mind right now.

‘Seunghyun-ah.’ Hyung’s voice fishes me from drowning in the sea of hopelessness.

‘yes hyung…’ I answer weakly between my sobbing.

‘where would we find her?’

His question snaps me. Yeah, where should I find her? She would definitely not come back to our house. She has changed her phone number and I know nothing about her biological family, not to mention her parents’ house. I also don’t know about her office’s number and… wait! Office! Her office. I remember one time she mentioned me about her company’s name. What is it, again? Come on, you fool brain! Think…think.. Ji Construction? No! H Construction? No..of course not. What is it..? ahhh!!

‘K Construction, hyung! That’s her workplace.’ I shout the name out loud, looking at hyung who is driving attentively. He furrows his eyebrows, repeating the company’s name slowly. Then, he looks at me with a smile on his face. ‘I know where it is. It’s the company that build Youngbae’s house.’

I smile back at hyung, wiping out the tears from my face. I don’t know why, but I could feel like meeting her today. All of sudden, I feel my soul I flying back inside my body. The hope remains as a hope but it shines my way to keep believing that I would see her smile later.

It takes us about thirty minutes to reach the company. After parking the car, my manager and I briskly walk pass the security and head to the reception desk in the middle of the lower building. I hide my identity as usual, putting a cap and a mask across my face. The two receptionist ladies greet us with a smile and they don’t show any hint of knowing me. My heart beats so fast of nervousness when I am about to ask them a question. I am both tense and anticipated of meeting Hyeri after a month.

‘Excuse me but may I know if Choi Hyeri is working here?’

The ladies look at each other before one of them named, Mi Ah.P on her nametag answers me, ‘She is an architect here, sir.’

I smile in relief and ask again, ‘May I meet her?’

They both look confused at my question. Then, the other one looks at me and hyung, saying, ‘Err... She is marrying our boss, Mr. Kwon today.’

Only God knows how startled I am when the word ‘marrying’ strikes my head. I look at hyung in disbelief and he looks horrified for me. I am in the state of mind where nothing is registered into my brain anymore, just the next thing I notice, I’m already in the van with hyung beside me. But even when my mind finally begins to slowly work, I understand that I am not ready to face the truth, to think realistically about the information I’ve received earlier. She is not marrying anyone. No! She can’t marry her boss, she never loves him. She would never be, right? She loves me. Only me.

The time seems to freeze in my realm but the world appears to ignore me. The passing cars trails like ants besides me, leaving me frozen in my own seat, in my own world.

She is marrying our boss, Mr. Kwon today.

The words rush again into my head in the same instant my eyes drain tears running down my cheeks. And all at once I remember everything about Hyeri; I remember the way Hyeri had looked when she smiles and I remember how nice her fragrance was, nice enough to take my soul away. My tears fall again, this time when I remember how soft and delicate her touch was. I couldn’t remember if anyone shares that touch, but I am sure no one is anything like her. The image is clear, as vivid as if it was happening all over again, and despite myself-despite everything- I suddenly know that it was all too late, too late. With she marrying Jiyong, I am sure there’s no way I could go back and fond our way to make it work, no matter what the challenges might be, no matter how big my sacrifices will be.

But even then I am still paralyzed, unable to bring myself to move and face the reality.

‘I love you,’ I whisper between my sobbing into the silent, moving van, feeling my future being swept away like so many grains of sand, a future that already felt almost like a dead hell.