Sunday, October 30th 2022

“You’re awake…”

“Jessi…”

“Hush. Don’t move.”

“Jessi…”

“Shhh…don’t talk…”

“Jessi I’m sorry…”

“…”

“I wasn’t trying to do anything stupid…I swear…”

“…Just rest Steph…”

“No please…listen to me Jessi. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. Please believe me.”

“Don’t. Don’t say things like that Steph. It scares me.”

“I’m not trying to scare you…I just…in that moment when I saw her…she was happy. With her own children. Her children. I was never hers. I have no place in her life and I never ever did. And her every smile for her little girl, her every kiss and hug…it hurt me in that moment. Like she had ground my body to dust and scattered it to the four winds. I hurt so badly and yet I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I kept wanting to see more, to hurt more…because on some level, I could replace that little girl with myself…I let myself imagine that she was smiling for me, kissing me, hugging me…loving…me…”

“You’re so ing messed up, you know that right?”

“Yea.”

“Why didn’t you go in and confront her? That’s what your sister wanted! She wanted you to face that sad chapter of your life and be able to close it! She wanted you to get closure and understand once and for all why that woman abandoned you like she did! But all you did, all you did! Was to stand there and wallow in your own pain! You can’t keep doing this! Pain doesn’t keep you alive! It shouldn’t have to be there to remind you that you are still living! The people around you should be the ones to remind you of that! Your loved ones! Me! Love, happiness, joy, intimate understanding, meaningful interpersonal relationships! These are the things that should be keeping you grounded and alive! This is not what Lexi-belle meant when you made her that promise Tiffany!”

“Don’t…”

“Don’t what?!”

“Don’t call me that…”

“Call you what?”

“Tiffany…don’t call me Tiffany.”

“…”

“Please…don’t call me Tiffany…anyone else can…but please not you…”

“…”

“That’s not me…it’s not who I was supposed to be…she’s not who I wanted to be…”

“Steph…”

“Did you know that you look different when you say Tiff compared to when you say Steph?”

“…Really? How so?”

“You look…disappointed…sadder…like…like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Like you’re carrying me…”

“That’s not true. You carry me as much as I carry you. But even if it were, I do it willingly.”

“But I don’t want to be the reason you’re unhappy. I don’t want to be the reason you are sad. I don’t want make you cry Jess. You shouldn’t have to carry me.”

“Well get over it! This relationship isn’t just about you! It isn’t just about you being the one in control of things! It isn’t just about you being the big and almighty protector! I am not a damsel in distress! I am not a princess that you need to save and defend the chastity of! I am not yours to pet and cherish like some stupid fragile china doll Tiff!”

“…”

“You wanna know why you are Tiffany right now and not Stephanie? You wanna know why?”

“…”

“It’s because you are being a complete idiot. And yea! You are disappointing me right now! You are making me sad! You! Tiffany Drewrbooke-Hwang Miyoung! You’re the reason I’m like this right now, so yes! You’re Tiffany until you can get your head out of your and learn that I am as much a part of this as you are! Goddamnit! Get it through your head! I’m here for you! Do you know what that little three-lettered-word means Tiffany? It means I am here to take just as much pain and hurt as you are going through and willingly making it my own. It means that no matter how much you try to shoulder on your own, I still feel it and carry it despite how much you want to selfishly keep it all to yourself!”

“I want to make you happy…”

“Well do I look happy?! Do I look like I am having the time of my life right now?! The more you try and keep all this to yourself, the more you draw into yourself and keep me out, the more I have to carry you Steph… Your hero act is what’s burdening me Stephanie. Can’t you see that? You trying to keep all of us out, trying to make us ‘worry less’ is what’s making us sick with anxiety. I’m not afraid of seeing you break down, I’m not afraid of seeing you cry snot and tears, I’m not afraid of waking up in the middle of the night to your thrashing because of terrible nightmares. I’m not afraid of any of that Steph. But I am afraid of losing you to this sick vortex of misguided masochistic self-destructive attitude. You aren’t helping anyone by going on this way. Yourself included.”

“I’m s–”

“Stop. No. No more please. Don’t say it anymore. You’ve rendered those two words meaningless to everyone around you.”

“…”

“Stephanie…I knew going into this that it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. I knew it was going to be hard. Our entire relationship is forbidden by our society. We live a life that will constantly be under public scrutiny. I am often impatient and intolerant and I have a huge ‘princess-complex’. And you…you’re just screwed up in too many ways to count. The odds are against us but we knew that. Or at least I did. Don’t make it harder on the both of us by making me chase after you to let me carry some of your burden and your pain. Let’s do this together ok? It’ll be better for the both of us. I promise. I promise Stephanie. It’ll be better together. You remember that? Better together? Your words. So please, please for the love of god…let me help you.”

“…I…I can try…would that make you happy?”

“Yes. It would Steph. Immensely. Your pain is my pain and feeling it makes me happy in some odd weird twisted way. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else on this godforsaken planet. As long as it makes sense to us then that is all there is to it.”

“You know I always thought I was the strong one in the relationship. That I was the one you could lean on in your time of need and trust to protect you.”

“You are Steph! You are all those things for me and more. And I’m not just saying that to stoke your ego. You are so goddamn ing amazing in so many ways! But the thing is, that’s not the only thing you are. You’re also the girl I love. I’m so crazy in love with you Stephanie! You make me want to be better for you, do better for you, love better for you. I’m a better person with you Steph.”

“…What if I keep messing up? What if I keep disappointing you and letting you down? I mean, that shouldn’t even be a question. It’s more like, what will you do when I let you down again and again and again and…again?”

“Then we fight. We cry. I may scream at you and yell some obscenities and try to get things through your thick skill. Then…we move on. We get better and we keep going. I’m not going to give up on you Stephanie Hwang. We’ll squeeze all that dark and twisty out of you until there’s only bright and shiny left. Till…”

“Till?”

“Till I can say ‘I love you…Stephanie’ and not have the slightest thought of Tiffany in my mind. Because as much as I love Tiffany…Stephanie is the one behind everything. Stephanie is the one who will remain when everything is chipped away. Stephanie is the one who remains constant. The one thing I know beyond a doubt. You once asked me to give you a chance to be broken by me. Well I’m taking it tonight Tiffany. I’m taking it and I’m breaking you until there is nothing left. Till there is nothing left and all I see standing before me is…Stephanie Drewbrooke-Hwang. The girl I love so so so much.”

“…Jessi…?”

“Yea baby?”

“I’m scared.”

 And that was when Jessica knew that Tiffany had already started to break apart, that Tiffany had long since been just a crumbling scaffold that was in severe disrepair, that the façade was faded and cracked in so many places it could never be put together again.

The girl she was staring at now, the pair of beautiful emerald-flecked hazel eyes peering wanly back at her under sleep-mussed hair, this was Stephanie. And she was peering out from the wreckage that was Tiffany Hwang.

Jessica got up from her seat beside the bed and slid underneath the covers beside Stephanie. And then as if she had done this her entire life, Jessica cradled Stephanie’s head on her chest and held the younger girl protectively as a mother would to her innocent, helpless little babe.

She felt Stephanie wrap her arms around her waist and burrow in close. Jessica knew the younger girl was at her most vulnerable and weakest point right now. Stephanie was allowing herself to be seen, heard, and felt. Jessica didn’t know how long she would have Stephanie with her for before Tiffany came back like a rusted suit of armor, but she knew she was going to treasure this moment. She was going to do all she could to make Stephanie feel safe, make her feel loved and cherished. Make her want to stay.

They fell asleep like that.

…

…

…

And when Mrs. Jung came to check on the two girls, she had no heart to enforce her house rule and let them be.

She had never seen such a sweet smile on either of their faces.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jessica stood on the doorstep of the little quaint house, a stoic yet nervous Tiffany standing beside her.

Anyone else seeing Tiffany would just think her to be an emotionless piece of concrete. The girl looked so stiff and rigid and…unnaturally still.

But Jessica alone was able to read the subtlety that was the unspoken language of one Tiffany Hwang.

That slight shallow, erratic breath. That thin bulge of muscle framing the jaw line that signified clenched teeth. That telltale dilation of the pupils. That clenched fist tight enough to leave indents in flesh. That stare Tiffany always got whenever she was feeing particularly strong emotions and was working overtime to hide it away, resulting in a deadened countenance.

Tiffany was very nervous.

And it showed…

…to Jessica.

The brunette gave Tiffany’s mittened hands a firm squeeze with her own similarly mitten-clad paws before reaching out to knock on the wooden door rather smartly.

Jessica was slightly pissed and angry…and it showed too.

But Tiffany was too preoccupied with her own emotions to notice.

If she had, she would have noted the brunette’s flushed cheeks. And she would have known that it wasn’t due to the cold. She would have noted that hard glint in her eyes and the forced nature of her smile, pink thin lips pressed so tight they were almost invisible.

Jessica was angry.

But it wasn’t at Tiffany.

It was at the woman who stood behind the door to this humble house.

And at that moment, the object of her anger opened the door and stepped through.

…

…

…

Jessica could see only the faintest hints of semblance between the woman who now stood before her and the girl she loved, and for very obvious reasons, it eased her heart a little.

“Yes…? Do you two girls realize it’s Christmas day? Whatever it is you are selling, surely it can wait until tomorrow?” the woman said not unkindly.

Under any other circumstance, Jessica would have apologized for intruding and politely explained their reason for being here. But this was the woman who abandoned her girlfriend before she was even weeks old. As much as Jessica knew there wer