SADNESS ALERT! No.2

Youngup ain't so happy, sorry :/

And I'm sorry if you find some of my descriptions of their emotions too similar. There are only so many kinds of feelings and I don't have a terribly extensive vocabulary. And if you don't then not to worry :) I only said it since I noticed myself :3

“He’s using you Jongup. I know you can’t see it but I can. Youngjae’s a manipulative bastard and he’s got you trapped. If you only knew what he’d done behind your back. If you only knew what he did in front of your face! Jonguppie! Wake up!” Himchan tapped the side of his own head as he stared bug-eyed.

Jongup's roommate had warned him about his boyfriend before. Himchan had spoken to him on several occasions about how ‘shifty’ or ‘strange’ Youngjae was but Jongup just ignored him. This time felt different, like it was Himchan’s final stand, much stronger than before.

“Youngjae has you following him like a puppy and he abuses you every time you think for yourself. That’s not a relationship Jongup.”

Jongup stood in front of the couch with his arms crossed and legs apart. His frustration wouldn’t allow him to sit down; and that was the only way Himchan could tell the younger boy was actually upset in any way. Jongup’s face was blank, his mind was blank and all that lingered on his tongue was questions that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to ask or not. Jongup was trying hard to be able to process what was being said to him by his hyung who sat on the edge of the couch. None of the words that slipped through the air stuck in Jongup’s head.

“But…I don’t get it hyung? Why would he do that?” His face turned puzzled. Jongup felt the crease between his brows deepen when he noticed how bloodshot and red Himchan’s eyes were, as if he’d been crying and was ready to cry some more. Jongup was sure it was because of his own lack of reaction and it made him step closer to his hyung, crouching in front of him and placing his forearm along the length of Himchan’s thigh. Himchan’s mouth opened and closed, reminding Jongup of a pet goldfish he’d had as a child. The elder man was never going to be able to explain in quite the right words what was going on and the tension of it was really trying hard to pierce into Jongup’s unwavering mind. Himchan growled low and rubbed his face harshly, tinting his skin red from the abuse.

“Youngjae doesn’t love you Jongup, that’s why!” He stared with a dead face at the younger below him. Jongup knew Himchan would never want to hurt him by being frank but the more subtle approach just didn’t compute. Jongup felt like he hit a brick wall with his entire body broken into a gajillion pieces that had been glued together before he was thrown back at the wall. A dull ache spread into his chest and limbs, cutting of his air and causing him to fall back onto the floor with his palm holding him upright. He couldn’t breathe or speak and he could feel his heart hardening inside its bone cage. It wasn’t ever going to work the same way again.

His mind turned hysterical as each thought of Youngjae jumped at him and he could them slicing at his heart before moving back into his memory bank. Fleeting moments spun through his mind and he was starting to feel sparks inside his memory, him finally picking up on what he’d been so blind to. Youngjae had treated him like an abandoned child that he felt obliged to take care of but no real want to do so. He’d treated the younger boy like his slave and Jongup’s body flared at the thought of how often he’d done things that Youngjae could have more easily done himself. He remembered all the times he was with Youngjae, the way it felt and how it just distracted him from everything the elder man did. Sweet nothings brought him away from what Himchan was trying to get him back to. Youngjae never had that sweet tone to his voice, it was too harsh and nasally but when the man sung, Jongup forgot how he disliked Youngjae’s voice as it filled his ears with a softer melody that distracted him from reality.

The verse that filtered through his brain morphed and changed as his memory of Himchan’s voice danced with the rhythm that he’d sung in. He’d helped Jongup through more than anyone could imagine and one of the better things Jongup could remember was Himchan’s voice carrying the tune that Jongup would move his languid body to. He realised how much more he loved it than Youngjae's, how it really got to him the way he only believed Youngjae's did. Years of friendshp may have made him biased but it wasn't hard to be when the man he thought was his lover had treated him like a piece of dirt.

When the first stinging sensation shot from the corner of his eye into his clogged throat, Jongup looked to his hyung. Himchan’s dismay told Jongup that none of this was new to the elder, he’d known longer than Jongup cared to find out. He closed his lids when a lingering silence descended upon the small room. It wasn’t awkward or comfortable, it wasn’t thoughtful or content. The silence screamed Jongup’s pain into the room and the whole world seemed to break in half when Jongup felt his cheeks become wet. The last time he remembered crying was when he’d fallen off his bike learning to ride. It made him realise how silly it was to cry over a scraped knee, not when he was crying over a person.

Jongup was surprised at, and certainly wished against, the fact that he was still alive after those few words spilled from Himchan’s lips. He'd believed the opposite for almost too long to count and the devastation of it all was crashing upon him hard. Jongup wiped his cheeks, feeling more tears well up in his throat as he took a heavy, jagged breath. He opened his eyes in time to see Himchan stand and sit next to him.

“I’m sorry Jonguppie. I…I wish I could just undo all of this and stop you from ever meeting him.” Himchan’s gaze was pleading, but it was begging for something neither of them could accomplish. Jongup didn’t think he could heal.

His next word left him as only a breath, Himchan asking him to repeat it. “Why?”

“I-I don’t…I don’t know Jongup. I guess he’s just too selfish to realise how much of an idiot he is.” Himchan’s stuttering only added to Jongup’s pain. The elder never did that unless he was so angry he thought faster than he spoke or if he was beyond upset and couldn't speak through his own emotions. Jongup wasn’t sure why Himchan would be in either of those states and had added his own emotional pain to the list of things that removed his hyung’s ability to speak. He didn’t want that. Himchan’s voice was sweet and caring, it soothed him after a bad day but when he fumbled with speech like that it grated in Jongup’s ears, ruining the sing-song tune that cemented Himchan as one of the happier people that Jongup knew.

Jongup felt Himchan’s slender fingers start to rub circles on his shoulder blade, calming him even if it was only minute. He gave him a wavering smile that he tried his hardest to maintain over his quivering lip. Crying and smiling were not easy things to do at the same time. The crying won out and Jongup felt all his muscles explode from stress, forcing him to collapse onto his hyung as desperate sobs choked through his throat. This whole experience was frightening, not just Youngjae hurting him beyond understanding, but his own reactions were nothing he could have expected. Jongup was meant to be the collected one, the guy that never stopped smiling. He could have a frown or two but it wasn’t meant to last, not like the tears that flooded from him like Niagara Falls.

“Shush, shush.” Himchan brushed at Jongup’s forehead, diverting the locks of hair that were in the way. Jongup sniffled as he looked up at Himchan's sombre eyes. He looked as if he wanted to say something but was struggling to find the right words so Jongup beat him to it.

“It’s not going to be okay.” Jongup took a heavy breath, calming the cries that wanted to leave him. “Not for a long time.” He hung his head, resting it on Himchan’s shoulder. The elder gently squeezed the top of his arm before shifting beneath him, signalling that he was going to get up. Jongup shot him a puzzled look but Himchan didn’t seem to want to explain. His face was fierce though, like he was about to get very violent. “What is it?”

“I’m…I’m going to call him Jongup.” Himchan spoke low and terrifying and Jongup was frightened for what might happen to the man on the other end of the telephone. Mostly because he was worried for Himchan’s sake.

“Wh-what? Why do you need to call him? I don’t want to talk to him!” Jongup clutched onto his legs a bit harder, his short nails digging harshly into his jeans and breaching his skin. He reached one hand out to Himchan as the elder swooped over to his phone and scrolled through the contacts after unlocking it.

“He needs to know what he’s done Jongup! He has to know that he doesn’t deserve his worthless little life.” Jongup had seen Himchan angry before and he thought he’d seen the full range of Himchan’s negativity from frustration to rage but the look in his eyes was new to Jongup. He could feel himself being affected by it, he was starting to feel the pressure building more and more as his grief and anger competed for his attention. He was afraid that whichever might win, he would fall further into the depression that had started to tickle his heart. The sound of Himchan punching in Youngjae’s number beat down on Jongup’s ears and he fought the desire to push the phone out of Himchan’s grasp.

After a few painfully slow moments, Himchan’s eyes sparked and he glanced at Jongup. “Ah, Youngjae.” For a fleeting moment, Jongup’s entire body felt like nothing, like he was simply a conscience. He could sense something switch inside him more suddenly than a light going out. His body became hot and filled with adrenaline when every ounce of sorrow morphed into fury within the second. Jongup stood quicker than Himchan could react and snatched the phone away from the elder, scratching his palm in the process. He almost didn’t catch the hiss that Himchan made before Jongup’s voice reached into every corner of the room.

“WHY!? WHY YOU FILTHY BASTARD!? WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME THAT YOU DID THIS!? WHAT IS SO MESSED UP INSIDE YOUR HEAD!? YOU SEEMED HAPPY ENOUGH BUT IT WASN’T ENOUGH RIGHT!? YOU'RE A DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!” The screams turned falsetto in Jongup’s dry mouth. Stuttered, heavy pants escaped him when he stopped, feeling the abrupt exhaustion as both his mind and body drained of all his energy. He wanted to destroy the phone, smash it and stamp on it like it could hurt the disgusting man on the other end. He held on to it tight though; knowing that it was Himchan’s brought his fingers into a death grip around the phone without him actually holding onto it any tighter. He took one last deep breath, preparing himself for the onslaught of his own words when a distinct beep filtered into his ear.

‘Thank you for recording your message.’ The line cut but the dial tone didn’t echo into his head. The phone dribbled to the floor in several pieces, Himchan becoming breathless as he watched them clank out of Jongup’s fist. He wasn’t strong enough to really break the phone, just destroy the plastic casing. A strangled sob clawed out of him as he dropped the remaining chunks of phone.

Every idea and notion that Jongup had about himself crumbled in his hand as well. He’d always believed he could be calm and secure in himself no matter what, that his smile was never far away. But the downward tug of his lips and the sobs that reverberated into the dead quiet made all the reverse truer than he wanted. He fell onto the single sofa beside the coffee table, sinking back into his more quiet nature as he pulled his knees to his chin, clasping each calf with the opposite hand in a tight hold. This was who he was, reserved and soft, but his emotions weren’t as pliable as he imagined and the breaking point had come sooner than expected.

“Moon Jongup! Don’t you dare turn catatonic on me!" Himchan all but ran to his side, pointing angrily as he moved. 'You’re going to forget that and you’re going to be happy again.” Himchan’s words were nothing more than a whisper to Jongup as he retreated in the recesses of his mind. His vision was blank – not black or white or even the red of his lids – but he didn’t remember closing his eyes. He stopped noticing the steady up and down of his chest, his senses pulling away from his muscles until he was nothing more than a bubble inside his own head.

Himchan was beginning to sob himself, only little tears falling down the side of his nose at the slow loss of his friend. The sound poked into Jongup’s consciousness. “Please, Jonguppie, don’t leave me. Just…just smile, like you did this morning, like you do all the time!" The desperate words only just registered in Jongup's ears. "It’s easy see? I’m smiling.” The words made him turn his head unwittingly, but Himchan looked vulgar and scary with the taught ‘smile’, as he called it, curling across his face as it battled with his hopeless crying. Jongup couldn’t do what Himchan wanted. He couldn’t force himself to show an emotion he didn’t feel.

“Please Guppie… please.” Jongup pressed his lips to the top of Himchan’s head when he bent over the arm of the chair to reach the man crouching by him, who tried hiding his red and swelling cheeks.

“Shush, it’ll be okay Channie. It’ll be alright. I think I knew it all along.” Himchan looked up at him incredulously. It wasn’t meant to be like that. Jongup was meant to be comforted, not comforting and Himchan had no right to let that be. Jongup’s eyes were blank though and his words sounded too lifeless for Himchan to find any part of Jongup still inside them, other than that he was still trying to look after his friend when clearly he should be more affected. Jongup’s habit of looking after people quietly and carefully – just when they needed it – was endearing and thoughtful but it was backfiring just when Jongup had to keep himself together. Not for others, like usual, but for himself.

“I’ll be okay Channie. I promise.” Jongup closed his eyes and his laboured breathing became more subtle and deep. If Himchan didn’t know better, he would think the boy was asleep.

Himchan wasn’t sure who Jongup would be now with so much being taken from for so long and it all ending so climactically. Himchan hadn’t ever seen this Jongup before and he knew this new boy wasn’t going to go away soon. He would have to get used to a sour, outspoken Jongup who could tear a person apart with just a few pointed words. The boy was different and his mind was soiled, Himchan could tell. Jongup was saying his goodbyes to his relationship with Youngjae while Himchan had to say goodbye to the sweet, selfless boy he’d known most his life.

Alright :)

Personally I don't like the way I ended it. I think it could have been better.

But Youngup is done. I also tried to make this one a bit longer since I realised that the others have been kind of short compared to my usual oneshots. Which was mostly because I've been writing on an iPod and this was my first chance to write on a laptop for a few weeks now ^^

I hope you enjoyed it~! Comment/subscribe/vote/do whatever! <3